Oh, and I broke. I was on holiday, in Italy, nowhere for me
to write my opinion on this shit down, so I started my Sarah Dessen book. Hey,
guess what this one features? A documentary director, her lackey, and a local
artist. And I'm about halfway through but have seen more action and tension and
plot and characterisation than in Billy and Me. And Sarah writes for teenagers,
so even more fail for you, Giovanna.
Also, I came home last night to a package. What was in that
package? A copy of this:
It's her husband's second child's book with one of his
bandmates, and even the gross subject matter gets more of a reaction from me.
Even your husband, your stand in for Billy Buskin, can write better.
#justsaying.
So Chapter 16 starts up at the after party for the BAFTA's,
I think. Remember how before the ceremony, everyone was like 'oh, good luck
Billy, zomg we love you so much!'? Yeah.
I thought Billy was
popular before his win but the party after the awards shows me that things are
about to get even crazier. It feels as though everybody comes over to Billy to
congratulate him on the film and his award, meaning we can barely walk two
steps without being stopped by someone new.
See what I mean by 'I think' this is the after party? Yes,
she mentioned it, but the way it's phrased makes it sounds like days have
passed, while still being in present tense, which leads us back into awkward
sentences. And I don't feel like I've gained anything from this storyline so
far, because that's what every other chapter has basically said, ' I thought I
knew how famous Billy was, but he's more famous than that'. So, great start,
Giovanna.
This sort-of segues into an elderly woman who's been
speaking to both Billy and Sophie, and this is notable because she's looked at
Sophie and not just blanked her. Give the woman a fucking prize. We get this
nonsense in the middle of the spiel:
I never realized
before how rare an occurrence this actually is, but the fact that it makes an
impact on me means that it must be.
I'm not going back into the other chapters. I'm just going
to hold my head in my hands and sigh. Again, she repeats every chapter. I want
to just skim all the repetition and show the new junk, but then I could sum the
whole book up in one go and anyway, why do you get to escape the torture I'm
going through?
We get the obligatory 'this Mary Sue is special, you keep
hold of her!' bit from the doddery old dear who only serves to big up the Mary
Sue, and Billy falls for it, groping Sophie all the while. Tasteful. The old
bird then waves the white flag and surrenders to tiredness so skips out of the
party, her only task done. As she leaves, Sophie watching her all the while,
someone else appears in her eyesight, coming towards them.
Yeah. Giovanna went there. And it's so awkward and tacky.
Noticing that I've
suddenly tensed up, Billy looks at me to see what's wrong. When he looks in the
direction of my eyeline I hear him laugh quietly as it all becomes clear.
"Billy? Jude. I
just wanted to come over and congratulate you on your win,' says Jude Law (yes,
my flaming crush!) as he offers Billy his hand to shake.
I think I'm going to do a bullet point list for this. Hopefully,
it won't be long:
-Maybe Sophie would have tensed up anyway, as it's canon
that she has anxiety. They've had a fight about her anxiety, after all.
-If Billy looked up to see what's wrong, where was he
looking in the first place? His feet? Her boobs?
-And if Billy looked up, would he not see Jude? The
implication by her phrasing is that they're side by side and able to see what
the other one is seeing. If he's facing her, a more valid way of needing to
shift his gaze to see what she is looking at and causing her panic, then he
should be looking around.
-Is Billy taller than Jude? Why is he looking at Sophie's
eyeline, and not in the direction of her gaze? They're two separate planes of
vision.
-Why is Billy laughing at Jude's presence? Is he laughing at
Sophie's reaction? In which case, what a prick.
-What is it with the way she's made Jude make those
introductions? He sounds like a twat. Jude Law is no twat. Not unless you're
married to him and he's fucking the nanny, anyway.
-I'm saying nothing about the congratulations. I could, but
I won't.
-Did we need the brackets? Seriously? Seriously. We know she
has a crush on Jude Law, we know she said Billy wasn't as talented as Jude,
we're not ignorant or stupid. I've had two weeks away from this book, and I
remembered that Jude Law got mentioned when every other character in this book
is made up (I can't forget shit like that, sorry Giovanna). She could, if she
was so desperate to slip that info in there, made it an aside through dashes,
as the subject in the brackets pertains to Billy and Sophie's reactions to
Jude's presence so makes the information in them more relevant than anything
put in brackets. Brackets are off-topic information, that is not. She's
stiffened, she's blushing, she's staring, I got that it was a crush. Also,
crush is an American term, she could have said 'the actor I fancy' or 'the one
I have the hots for' or something. She could have been contemporary and said 'yes,
Jude, the guy who's so bang tidy.' And the exclamation mark there can fuck
right off too. She's gleeful about embarrassing herself now.
-Jude, don't you take Billy's hand, don't you dare!
I got a bit carried away at the end. Sorry. She starts
waxing lyrical about Jude Law, and thanks Sophie, but I don't need the help.
Seriously, I never thought Doctor Watson was fuckable until Jude Law. I loved his
lisp in the Holiday. He was a great narrator in Lemony Snicket. Jog on.
After a page of how sexy Jude is, which is about three times
the amount Billy got (oh, Tom, you in trouuuuuuubleeeeee!) we actually get
Billy's response, and Jude gives him some advice, which doesn't sound as
awesome as Jude could be. I blame the writer in this instance. And then ... why
you have to fuck with Jude, Giovanna?
" ... this must
be your wonderful lady." he says, turning his attention to me and shaking
my hand. "Miss Sophie May, was it?"
*Exaggerated Southern Belle accent* Well, I do declare Miss
Sophie May, looks like you gone got yourself a regular acting man to be taking
for your husband!
*normal voice* Seriously, who the fuck is this, and what did
you do with Jude? Sophie can't speak, Jude remembered her name from Billy's
embarrassing PDA! Someone stops by to take a photo for some newspaper or
magazine, and Billy engineers it so Sophie's next to Jude.
*holds up hand* wait a second. Just wait a second here.
Did you see what I did? Did you see Sophie go venomous
because Billy was paid to simulate oral sex with an actress?
Did you see her get possessive whenever Billy touched her
leg, her arm, her shoulders, even as friends?
It wasn't just me noticing that even that one girl didn't
get a pass, because even though she didn't touch Billy, she smoked in their
house, and dared to eat a dessert that Sophie made?
Oh, and the whole Coco shit. That was seriously annoying.
Okay now, so I just saw Billy watch Sophie meet a
hero/fapstar of hers, and engineer it so that when they had their photograph
taken for the tabloids, she'd be beside him.
Want to take bets on reactions? No?
Billy's grinning cheekily at Sophie. Jude touches Sophie's
arm, and Sophie stops breathing and makes herself gurn at the camera.
I fucking hate you, Sophie May, you hypocritical,
glory-hunting, Jude-wreaking BITCH.
Urgh, then Billy starts chatting to the photographer about
getting the photo's emailed to him, even the unused ones and it's clearly as a
present for Sophie so she can cut Billy out and completely live in a fantasy
world and Sophie's left with making small talk with Jude. I'm impressed she
didn't jam her tongue down his throat or flap about a little screeching the
word 'cake' over and over. Y'know, like normal.
Jude says he loves her dress and why is Jude turning into a
cross-dresser now? It's not 'that dress is flattering on you' or 'the colour
brings out your gorgeous eyes' no, it's 'love the dress'. Either Sophie is butt
ugly or she's implying Jude needs to come out of the closet *shoves him back
in* no you don't!
It's okay, Sophie verbal-diarrhoeas at Jude and he smiles
back and eases out of the conversation as Billy comes back. Billy starts to try
to tease Sophie as Jude walks away and Sophie misses it in her normal clueless
way by ranting about her mother and Molly being well jel, innit? Billy's like
'yeah, at least you have pictures so they'll believe you' so ... I'm jealous of
this relationship. Totes.
There's a section break so we can get a bit later on in the
after party, because it's just exhausting writing about people fauning over
someone who's not you. Sophie talks about how as people have gotten drunker at
the free bar, she's been sidelined more and more and Billy's having trouble
extricating himself.
We learn that Billy and Sophie have also had champagne, but
don't worry, they've been pacing themselves, they're not drunk! Honestly!
*coughs*bollocks*coughs* Sophie goes to the toilet, blaming the designer dresses
and not her current inebriation on the length of time it takes. Right *winks*
She makes her way to the bar afterwards, and one of the guys
mentioned in the previous chapter as a competitor for Billy's award is siting
there too. He is only here to serve one purpose.
Now, you and I are smart. We know he's bitter over his loss
and has probably been sat at the bar for hours, watching Billy and Sophie being
smarmy and drunk and completely up their own asses. He's going to tear her a
new one, and I kinda envy this guy.
Sophie's too drunk stupid drunk to realise
this, however much she might protest that she's not. She just hears this guy
shitting on their parade and takes it personally. How is she twenty-six and
still taking things personally?
Russell the other actor - says Billy's going to drop her
sometime soon, when the success goes to his head, and he'll start fucking
models then. I think Russell missed the bit where Billy did that already.
Sophie tries to ... oh fucking hell, no, you have to read this word-vomit too:
"Now,
Russell," I say, placing my arm on his shoulder in a friendly manner,
acting more confident than I feel. "I've worked blooming hard to look this
good today, well, a whole team of people have, in fact, it took them hours. Are
you trying to say I'm not dazzling enough?"
*chokes* the sentence that would never end, the patience she
pretends she has, the out-of-character arm around the shoulder, the way she
takes credit for her look, the dazzle reference *chokes again* I feel sick.
Russell starts chatting shit about how she needs to make
herself part of a power couple and she'll end up on the used pile if she
doesn't. This sounds like something Giovanna actually had to deal with, hence
the out of character reactions, but still, who the fuck is Russell to Sophie
and why the fuck should she give a shit when he's clearly bitter? It's yet
another thing that might work if Giovanna hadn't changed the parameters of her
relationship with Tom to make this story.
Anyway, so Sophie acts all gracious as she leaves him, but
wipes away a single tear (to cry artfully) and then stomps up to Billy, who's
grinning like he doesn't realise she might be going into harpy mode. She starts
trying to rationalise Russell's words as she chats with Billy, but she clearly
won't because she's Sophie May. They decide to go home because there's too many
people at the bar.
Sidenote here - mcfly were banned from after-parties for
years. Their management had just had Busted break up on them and they were
party animals, so they were harsher when mcfly came around. Giovanna wouldn't
have been to an after-party for about three years of Tom's career. This scene
makes no sense to me, applying Sophie or Giovanna's story to it.
Anyway, new section break, and they both sit on their phones
on the way home, because that's what you do in the throes of a new relationship
when one of you has succeeded in your career. No heavy petting on the backseat,
or anything. Molly screeches out some crap about Sophie being gorgeous and
Billy being gorgeous and Sophie's hair not being a plait and here's Sophie's
mother. And then Sophie's Mum starts talking, but since she has no real
character she has nothing to say that hasn't been said. Nice waste of words
again, Giovanna.
Sophie waxes on about them all sitting around watching the
ceremony which I've already pointed out wouldn't happen yet, because of
continuity. It's all self-aggrandising shit again, what did they think of me,
did they notice my face, blahblahblah. I'm fast-forwarding.
Her mother left another blahblah message that didn't need to
be because I guess Giovanna fell short of her word count the first time, and
then Andrezj is there, talking about meeting up which is well lolz because I
wouldn't contact a former employee who fucked me over that way. And the only
people I've ever worked with on my facebook page are pretty much ex-employees.
So then, the ground opened up and I was proved wrong. That
Mary Lance, the first named person of this story, has left a message, asking to
meet up. She got Sophie's number from her mother. Her mother was probably
ecstatic that Sophie might have a friend. She asks to hang out, and Sophie
thinks about it while checking her texts.
Has Billy disappeared at this point? Just wondering.
So Sophie has a text from Carla Daily! *shrugs* who the fuck
is Carla Daily? Oh, wait, we get some exposition later. Someone Sophie went to
school with, who was popular but never talked to Sophie. Her text explains that
she's friends with MaryLance and wants to hang out with both of them too.
Potentially, this is because Carla and Mary are now BFFs and do everything
together, but Sophie thinks it's suspicious. The next few messages are from
other members of the old popular crowd, so her suspicion increases.
*sighs* you know what? The popular crowd don't think of
themselves as the popular crowd. They're friends, and they happen to be
confident, and if you don't have that confidence then that's your shit to deal
with. They're not rubbing anything in, you're just taking their agenda
personally. You're not even on their agenda, why are they on yours?
Billy twigs about the messages being from old school friends
(oh, there's Billy, hey Billy!) and tells her to invite them over. Sophie pulls
a face, because he said the word friends maybe? And Billy gets confused about
why she wouldn't want to interact with anyone. You should've seen her with Russell
earlier, Billy. Anyway, Sophie shuts that down because who needs friends? Even
old friends who share your earlier history? Billy tries to talk her around, but
I guess he forgot he was talking to Sophie.
She neatly *ahem* changes the subject to Paul's message, and
Paul's so happy. He's not even angry about Billy not sticking to the speech.
Apparently, everyone thinks it's hilarious.
*holds hand up again* Wasn't Billy doing the stage play -
I'm not going to even try and remember the shit name - to be taken seriously as
an actor? Wasn't the role he was nominated for an attempt for the same thing,
hence why he even got into that category? If he now looks like
then why is his manager and the company behind the nominated
film role finding this funny?
All Sophie does is get sceptical that Paul could have been
nice to her, but wisely keeps her mouth shut for once. Billy says apparently
people want to know about Sophie
and that she could get into modelling or acting now. Fucking
hell, is his fame just giving her EVERYTHING on a plate now? They ramble about
the new film, and how Sophie will actually be on set for this one because who
needs to be consistent ever? I am skipping so much shit right now, right up
until the next section break, because I really need to be sick reading it.
Sophie can't sleep, at the new section break. Everything's
been so amazing and her life is incredible and she bagged an award-winning
actor and it was all the better for actually being at his side and not
sidelined like last time. Yeuch. But not everything is perfect, not even
meeting Jude Law (or whatever the hell that was) because Russell's words won't
leave Sophie alone. She wangsts for three pages about everything she's said so
far, but now she can blame Russell, not her own lack of self esteem. Fantastic.
I fucking hate this book. Until chapter seventeen ... which
is also part three. Happy happy joy joy.
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