So, someone on my twitter feed - mentioning no names out of respect - has shared a blogpost about Asexuality, and the fact that it does exist. And I couldn't resist messaging her to thank her for it.
It's not something I advertise hugely, although I have referenced it a couple of times. Particularly in another post with the same title (hence the part two). But I identify as graysexual, which is a little bit like asexuality, but you're not entirely apposed to sex. I can't explain it very well, except maybe to parallel it to other romantic situations. Like marriage. You know what a big commitment that is, right? That's the sort of thought process I go through with the idea of flirting. And going beyond that is a little bizarre to me. If I do, and it works well, I'm more open to casual dating, maybe. It must be akin to walking down the aisle with cold feet, me dating.
And I'm not one to talk about sex full stop, because it's a private thing between two - or more - people. But I guess to fully get across how I feel I have to go there. Because I guess, I already have. I have a kid, right?
See, the thing is, when you're a Grace, it's not entirely ruled out. I've slept with two people my entire life. One who I was in a good relationship with, and one was the rebound from him. And I know people are like, 'oh, sex is amazing' but really, no. It was boring. I tried, you know? I tried to be into it, but it's just … it's kind of gross. And painful. Not like that, I always get a cramp in my leg just doing stretches for exercise. It's awkward. I just … you guys can keep it, and I can keep making jokes about it, deal?
The thing is, when I try and word it right, it sounds like I got stuck in a fantasy constructed by Disney, that I'm waiting for my One True Love. But I'm really not. It's just that I can't process the idea properly. You know how you go 'hey, that person of the sex I am attracted to is cute, I'll talk to them and flirt a little and see if this can go further'? I can't do that. I go 'hey, that person is cute. Hey, it turns out they're pretty cool! Hope we can hang out again some time.' Conversely, I can look at someone like a celebrity, and be like 'he's cute, wish he was my friend, or maybe something more' but I think that level of lithromancy comes from knowing that nothing would actually happen. I wouldn't want it to.
I get judged for this all the time, not because people know I'm a Grace, but because they don't know what it is or why I am like I am. Like, my mother tells me every so often she suspects I'm a lesbian. Thanks, Mum. How do you even answer that? It's not insulting, because why should being a lesbian be insulting? But it's frustrating that her world view is so limited to 'if you're not in a relationship for more than x years, you must be gay.' Why can't I be polyamorous? Why can't I be a total Ace? How do I explain to someone with such a limited knowledge on sexuality exactly what goes on in my head?
Or like at my work. I work with such lovely people, but a few of them do talk about sex frequently, and I have found myself in awkward conversations with people, when they find out it's been seven years since Noah's conception and the last time it happened, and they can't fathom why it doesn't bother me. Or a couple of the guys were joking and talking about how one of them should lie to some girls who were flirting with him about being gay, so they would back off. And I said, equally jokey 'that doesn't stop some girls' so they instantly asked if I'd heard it a lot. Um, no, it was a joke, it wasn't about me, and what makes you think I hit on guys frequently?
Or with my son. Yes, I have a child. Yes, he is the only one. He will always be my only one. I will NOT be pressured into doing something I don't completely enjoy just to make others feel better about my son being raised as an only child. When I was younger and believed I had to be in a monogamous relationship and be a mother, I did say I wanted kids. But growing older and coming out of the sheltered existence I was raised in has really helped me work out who I am and what I'm about, particularly in the last few years. I'm sure at the time I'd been convinced my heart was in it when I said I wanted three kids, but even then, I know I didn't see myself in a sexual relationship.
It's not an easy thing, to be a minority sexuality that people question the existence of. My assurance that it must because I am doesn't seem to be enough. You get all sorts of shit, the above 'well maybe you're a lesbian' or 'well, you haven't met the right guy yet'. No, I haven't, and it's dubious I will. That's the point. But if it happens, I'm not going to put the boot in it just because I'm clinging to fear. And if that's what people think graysexuality is, then they're totally clueless. It's not being fussy, or controlling, or stuck in a fantasy land. It's a choice based on what I'm comfortable with.
I wish stereotypically monogamous heterosexual people got this kind of shit. And I'm sorry if talking about this makes anyone half as uncomfortable as I currently am, but I'm sure you can understand why I feel compelled to write this, correct?
I guess it makes it even stranger that I do read erotica occasionally, and I'm actually pretty good at writing emotions in my work. But you know why? I read erotica to see if I'm normal in any way, because I'm made to feel like my life choice is so strange. Except with Cynthia's stuff, that's just helping a friend out. Plus, she writes such quirky characters that I can overlook all the rubbing and touching and junk. As for me being an emotional writer? Dude, I'm graysexual, I still have feelings. People who know me well know I'm passionate, and I love loudly and I can be scary when angry and when I'm upset, it's a physical thing, not purely crying, but almost a tingling sensation all over my body. I can still connect on an emotional level, just like anyone else. And maybe it's because I do feel these things so strongly that I can't just let anyone in. You have to be freaking special in my eyes to earn it.
Graysexuality isn't a burden, not at all. It's a blessing. It's just others attitudes that makes me feel like it's a burden.
An addendum: I've also discussed being a demi, which is subtly different to graysexuality, but I believe I'm both. I don't often go for the idea of a partner, but if I do, sexual attraction is definitely secondary until after I've gotten to know them. I think the two are closely related, so it's totally possible to be both. For a basic definition of both, check out the tumblr post http://ilovebuckybear.tumblr.com/post/80523842704/kanayapapayas-heres-the-sexuality-section-of
ReplyDeleteIt really aggravates me, with anything to do with any sort of sexuality, that other people make it such a hardship. I know things are getting better for LGBT, but then you still have niche groups that, just because they don't understand, they feel the need to belittle. Sometimes I want to say to people, 'Look, you don't understand what she/he/I mean, so don't make my choices seem any more insignificant or unbelievable than your own.' If people don't understand a persons choice, they should just accept it! I know I like to ask questions, but that's only out of curiosity because I like to educate myself on things I don't understand.
ReplyDeleteOh, and also, certain people make me uncomfortable at work too, so you're not alone there! ;) xxx
It aggravates me when hetero people try and tell me what it's like to be a minority group. Someone tried that recently over a comment Jared had made about Justin Bieber, she was telling me why minority groups found it insulting and I was like 'you're being insulting' but I didn't want to turn around and tell her why she was out of line. And really, it was over nothing, he'd shared a picture and said it was funny, but apparently he was being transphobic. She didn't reply after I told her that, by dictating what they felt, she was being transphobic, because she was speaking for a group she had no business trying to represent.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind being asked questions, I do mind when my brain just goes 'Because. That's why.' You can ask if I seem too weird. But hey, you knew that already!
I don't mind so much when she - I know who you mean, lol - starts talking about it, it's like a learning curve for me. But when it gets personal, that's when I'm like 'well, this got awkward'. It's completely separate to me, in my head.
There was a great thread in the NaNoWriMo group on Facebook the other day. Really eye-opening for a boring old hetero like me ;)
ReplyDeleteOne person said: "Lets take the whole orientation scenario and throw it out the window for a second." And then went on to describe a relationship where it didn't matter what you were, and there were no adjectives needed to describe any relationship that existed between two (or more) people. It was more who you were, rather than how people chose to describe you.
It's a shame I can't point you at it, because it was a great and, generally, non-acrimonious discussion with lots of people sharing their feelings and experiences.
Is that the general NaNo group? I think I only joined the Essex one. But I like that description! It reminds me of a fanfic I wrote about Supernatural, because the angels and demons are able to possess whichever gender they want, and for me I think it's interesting to delve into whether that would change people's perceptions of them. Like, one of the leads - Dean - is good friends with an angel, and the way they've written the show, there is a big question mark of the depth of their connection. But they seem to stick close to typical gender tropes, so it makes me wonder what the nature of their relationship would be if gender wasn't an issue. And since they won't explore it on the show, I felt I had to write a story for it.
ReplyDeleteI digress, anyway. I just think it's weird that, in a world where so much progression occurs every single day, people are still hung up on the basics like gender, sexuality and skin colour. I just don't see why it HAS to matter, or why it has to segregate people in some way. To me, it's like making fun of anyone with, say, hazel eyes.