A moment of angst

You may have noticed I haven't been avidly updating you all on my Asylum experience as promised.

I don't mean to keep you all in the dark - especially Lydia, who's asked about it - but post-con there has been some … unpleasantness. And I barely know what to make of it and how to handle it and I'm trying my hardest to embrace the positive out there despite what's going on but guys, it's tough.

It's tough because one of my best friends, who came with me to the con, has since been accusing me of doing some really bitchy things, things that … I'm not saying the situations weren't there, but they weren't there in the way they've been conveyed to me and I'm really upset that she would even think that about me in the first place. I'm not going into specifics here, but yeah, I'm finding it really tough at the moment. Because when I try to answer, I'm trying to be fair, and find a middle ground, and okay, maybe I'm telling her that there's fault on her side too, but I'm not trying to absolve myself of anything, just trying to find the middle ground. And I'm getting even more shit back.

Your best friends aren't meant to be like this. I'm not saying they're not allowed to tell you when you're being a dick, but try and only do that when they have been a dick. I just feel like the only way out of this is to roll over and take it and admit I was being a bitch and fake a smile every time we interact from her on out but … that's not me. I will admit to plenty, because of course I'm not an angel, but I try to live by putting my hands up and saying 'I was a raging douchebag'. But in this instance, I know I wasn't. I've talked to other people who were there, and they've said they never saw me doing anything so spiteful. I don't want to fake anything here, but it honestly feels like my opinion in this situation really does not matter.

I'm actually heartbroken over this. It was, actually, a really good weekend. Yes, there were moments of contention between us, but nothing like what I've been accused of. And when I've tried to defend myself, I've been accused of being equally offensive. I have no idea what to do about this. She wants to sweep it under the carpet now she's said her piece but … I can't do that. And I don't know what else I can do about it. I've had a couple of people offer me the same advice over it, and I wish I could take it but the situation doesn't feel as clear cut as they're making it sound.

So yeah, it's hard to write about something so happy when I feel so miserable. And I even feel like a bitch for saying overall, I was happy about the weekend when since she's given me the silent treatment until last Friday and since then, she hasn't stopped messaging me with this stuff. I'm so worn out by it. I was happy and approachable all weekend, to everyone I could manage. I even want to go again, though she doesn't; in fact, I've just paid to go to the next two, because it was a good experience and the other con goers were good to talk to. But for me, it's totally unconnected to everything that happened between us at the time, and since.

I know she'll probably read this, and maybe even comment on here too. And it probably seems like really incoherent rambling but that's kind of the point, I don't know what to think of it, what to do about it, anything. The only thing I know is that it makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry for a very, very long time. I was not that person. I would never be that person.