Writing style

So I've said before that I'm reading Das Sporking a lot lately, I've read fifty shades Sporking and the first twilight one, and at the end Mervin, Sands, Ket and Gehayi have included outtake scenes, spitefics and FAQs and it's inspired me (and I can't remember my very old live journal password, so you all get to hear my rant).

One of the FAQs includes fans asking Stephanie Meyer about her writing style and her blabbing about her wonderful approach to prose. And something jumped out at me. She said she wrote the scenes she had in mind and cobbled the independent scenes together with filler (I paraphrase, heavily).

I know that can work. I've written scenes for future books of mine, some of them the same incident in a myriad of different ways (but all with similar outcomes) but the above process? I wouldn't recommend it. You're never going to understand character growth in that way. Those are the chapters to reference when the correct time comes, but you have to trust in your characters enough to know that they're still on that path but the now is important. It's why my writing has languished a little lately, because Lamb and Carter are trying to race ahead of where they are at the moment, but they'll get back on track.

Anyway, you know what? Unless a writer is really skilled, you can tell when they've done this patchwork method. By all means patchwork, but then sit back and write in a linear way and include elements of the scenes as and when they're relevant. There's such a difference.

And now I'm going back to laugh at Meyer and her amazing writing abilities which include ignoring your editor and naming one of the self-insert's love interests after your brother. Sexy times.

Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 2

I wrote this yesterday, and since the creative juices aren't flowing so much right now, I figured I'd share this with you. It's ten pages in word, so it may have to be in two parts. Enjoy my endless ranting!

Rosefont Hill is a tiny little village, one where everybody knows everything there is to know about everyone who lives here. Nothing newsworthy usually happens, therefore you can imagine what an impact a film crew rolling into town has on it.

Oy. Okay, first of all, Rosefont sounds a bit like Monotype Corsiva, or Freestyle Script, or maybe Segoe Script ... it does not sound like a village. And a village implies a certain size, I think she means more of a Hamlet maybe? I live in a Hamlet, we have four shops, but we're in between two more built-up areas. The teenagers travel out for school as well.

But the thing that bugs me most about this start is the implication that this hall being used by the film crew has never been rented to a film crew before, and as a result everyone's being really unprofessional. I mean, we've seen that, but bollocks to that, these buildings are often rented to film companies for a cheaper set-dressing, so she's making this more impressive than it should be. And who does that?

How convenient, Mary Sue: 8

In the first paragraph.

All the shops are being tarted up, and we're treated to some wonderfully stunted vocabulary in adjectives:

Each shop has had a spruce up, hoping that they'll gain some new trade. The local WI, of which Molly is the head, has examined every potted plant in the High Street and made sure they're watered, pruned and spruced to perfection.

Spruce it up, baby. And also, of course Molly is the head of the WI, she bakes cakes and backstabs. That's the pre-requisite, right? How many people are coming to make this film anyway?

I should also mention, this book is mainly present-tense as well as first person. That's really hard to pull off, even more so when you comment on what's just happened or go into flashbacks, or as we'll see later, the totally Ana Steele ability to see her own eyes. We'll see if this style of formatting works as we go on, right?

Anyway, the local school kids have been blessed with the chance to contribute to whoring out the town for this amazing film crew who have confidentiality clauses and the honour of the first unit using the local manor. The kids have made a welcome banner out of their 'tiny painted handprints'.

It seems like every member of the community has done something to get the village prepared for its newcomers, and their hard work has paid off as it looks nothing less than idyllic!

Excited?! Me?!: 13

How convenient, Mary Sue: 9

Of course Mary Sue lives in an idyllic country village, complete with sprawling Manor house and a best friend in the WI. I prefer thinking of the village of Pagford and The Fields. Krystal will come along any minute with her foul mouth and unkempt brother, right? I mean, before Robbie drowned (I actually loved The Casual Vacancy, even though all the characters are arseholes).

Sophie goes on to say that she's looking forward to the project now that she's seen trucks 'full of equipment' through the village (would you know it was full of equipment? Maybe it's catering, I can't tell through the sides of a truck) although how a truck can filter through typically narrow village roads is beyond me. Strangers have also appeared, which for me is a relief because I doubt Mary Lance is heading the project.

We then have a great paragraph I have to share with you. They spruced up the village, right?

It seems like quite a lot of the village folk have been tarting themselves up somewhat for the event (with the possibility of A-listers and VIPs coming into town they want to look their best). I'm not entirely sure what they're hoping will come of their freshly dyed hair or their new cardis from Marks and Sparks, but looking good certainly seems to be important to them.

*brain explodes* I think I have to do a list for this:

-So they'd tart the village up, but stay scaggy? Logic, where art thou? Also, why is it sprucing for inanimate objects, but tarting for the people? As you've only referred to them as folk (I'm leaving that one) are you calling the men tarts as well? Or are you sticking to misogyny? This books makes me question everything.
-A-listers and VIPs? What the hell is this? Are you referring to the actors who will be filming this? Who said they were A-listers? Is this for cinema or for TV, or even for a smaller project? Because none of that is specified, so how do we know that they're either? It's a new adaptation, sure, but there are so many this might go straight to bargain-bin DVD status.
-Not sure what they're hoping will come of their newly dyed hair and clothes (for any non-British reading, 'cardis' is a plural of 'cardi' which is an abbreviation of 'cardigan', which is a button-down sweater) - maybe Molly has Regina'd them to match the rest of the village in terms of presentation? Maybe on the village notice board there's a sign applying for extras in crowd scenes and they're trying to make the best impression on the director and producer. And maybe - call me crazy - but maybe looking good does mean something to them. I have friends who think - quite rightly - that self expression and a good impression start from how you present yourself. Like right now, I'm in black bootcut jeans, a blue shirt and a blue lace over-vest, to see me sitting here typing you'd think I was laid-back, and for the most part you'd be right. Clothes can be a useful determinate for mood (referencing my own book, at one point Lambrini points out the more Carter likes a band, the more likely it is that he will wear their shirt in a good mood. Right away, you can tell if he's wearing the Beatles, he's happy).
-Is Marks and Spencer really tarting yourself up? Why not shop in one of the clothes stores in the village and you know, keep local businesses going in this era of economic struggle? Do they not have nice things?

One paragraph produced that much thought process. None of it good. I will some up what the head of WI probably said to them all as the trucks started rolling in though:

and if they don't?

 

For some reason, since we're in chapter two ... I think Mean Girls is going to get referenced. A lot. Anyway, the above simple paragraph leads into a description of all the different ways people have tarted themselves up, and how Sophie hasn't bothered (but we finally get a physical description of Sophie! She has frizzy brown hair which she wears under a polka-dot bandana. She calls it a hankie but I honestly don't think they make handkerchiefs that big. Anyway, she says it's to keep in with Molly's retro-fifties look. Is that what she was doing? I thought she was dressing appropriately for her age and vocation, silly me.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 10

Of course Mar- sorry, Sophie, makes no effort to change. Mary Sue's only attract attention for being "normal" even when "normal" is actually "acting different from usual behaviour patterns as displayed by the regional mass due to a change in circumstances". So they get attention for ignoring the vogue and doing whatever the fuck they want, right? That's called rudeness, isn't it?

Anyway, Sophie talks about how she's baking and she has white powder all over her clothes. She does say flour, but I'm going to pretend she sniffs coke while waiting for the oven to ping because it's just funnier. Anyway, Sophie tries to get out of being a complete Sue by attributing her lack of effort to how she has to bake, not because she could care less about the film crew. She says that make up would melt off her face.

Bitch, please. I've worked in a kitchen for eight years, and while I don't give a shit about having slap on my face, other people can cake it on. I've worked with someone who customers used to watch warily in case her mascara clumps fell into their Big Mac. I've worked with managers who wear foundation in the height of summer and end up looking like a Dr Seuss character where it's only been wiped off when they've had a drink to cool down. Most people who work there wear makeup. I am not buying what you are selling today, not even with a slice of carrot cake.

We then get a scene where an old lady wants a pot of tea and a cake but can't afford it. This is the first moment I like Sophie.

I quickly glance around to check that Molly is occupied elsewhere, then lean across the counter and whisper to Mrs Sleep, 'You're forty pence short ... but seeing as you're my favourite customer I'll let you off!'

Even though Mrs Sleep's reaction is to giggle like a child, I like that she's willing to help the elderly. Although watch your back Sophie, you get a reputation for letting people off and no one's going to want to produce the right amount. Sophie covers the difference out of her own money, and then:

"You'll end up skint if you keep giving away money like that."

Tom McFly, is that you?: 5

She'll probably also lose her job Tom. Billy, sorry, sorry, it's Billy. Sophie jumps as she hears the person speaking, since her back was to the door and she didn't see him come in. She turns and sees a guy around her age smiling at her, and then she waxes lyrical about it being rare to get a man in the teashop because they prefer the cafe to a chintzy teashop. Go figure that one!

Want the description of Stu? You can tell he's a Stu just from the paragraph:

the arrival of this man (and a rather good-looking one at that), makes my heart momentarily stop and my cheeks instantly burn in surprise. He is jaw-droppingly attractive, with brown hair swooped into a stylish quiff, a healthy tan and deep brown eyes which twinkle as he smiles.

Of course he's jaw-droppingly, orgasmically gorgeous. Nice bit of comma abuse there too.

Now here's where I'm a little like 'eh?' Because Giovanna's husband?

 

Quiff? Check. Deep brown eyes? I did get a little lost, myself. But he's blond. He's not particularly tanned.

 

Quiff? Check. Brown hair? Check. Tanned? Oh my, yes. Brown eyes? No, blue. But still, this is Tom's bandmate, Harry. If Danny wasn't so freckled, I'd include a picture of him too. My point is, Billy sounds more like Tom's bandmate than Tom. Did she change his hair colour and pigmentation to throw me off? Because it didn't work. Write in his dimple when he smiles, I dare you. Include the hipster glasses when he's not in character. Because otherwise? You're writing about the drummer. What does his wife think about that? And before I go on, because some of you are mcfly fans:

Thank you, attitude magazine. Favourite shoot ever. Anyway, after the description of Harry, we get a typical Mary Sue reaction.

"Sorry, I didn't see you there ..." I somehow manage to say, softly clenching my jaw and forcing myself not to revert into the old, socially inept me. I've come a long way from that little girl who quivered at the attention of others, but I think a large part of that has been down to the safety of these four walls and Molly's time and care.

First, how do you softly clench your jaw? A jaw-clench is typically hard, no? Also, I thought her old self was this rambunctious child who could not be satisfied with what she had but progressed to more and more due to tantrums and later, singing and dancing to the point of irritation? The social ineptitude developed later, so it's your current self. And if your time with Molly has really made you more of a social butterfly (which shows when you stood up over that woman in the banana-yellow suit) then it should be made more obvious. You should have included that in the prologue also, about how life in the service industry has brought you out of your shell.

Like, going back to my restaurant, I used to be practically silent. Not because I was shy, I just get really internal, I like to reason and over-reason and un-reason until I come to conclusions others seem to get to pretty fast (though without considering the implications, it sometimes feels like) and when I first joined the restaurant, I was happy in my own world. One of my first shifts, I got told I had to yell to the kitchen. I was shit-scared, unable to imagine raising my voice beyond what is essentially a mumble. My loud is the typical Essex quiet. You have to shout though, so the kitchen know what's moving, how quick it's moving, if someone can't have ketchup in their burger for an allergy, if someone's been waiting an unfeasible amount of time for food ... shouting comes with the job. I've seen that same worried look on so many new faces, the 'really? Shout?' face and you have to explain that it's not to shame them, it's not to initiate them into the world, it's seriously the best device to keep service going. Nowadays, I can be a gobby little shit when I need to be, but only at work. I feel like I put a suit on when I step in that restaurant, and quiet, analytical, dreamer me has to take a backseat. Likewise, even though this is a teashop she would have built a rapport with the customers and would occasionally have to call for Molly. Like:

 
"Molly! Molly!" I called from the till. Molly was in the kitchen at the back, baking away.

"Yes, Sophie dear?" She called back pleasantly enough, but it sounded faint under the noise of the cappuccino machine brewing.
"We're almost out of cupcakes, can you make some more?"
"Right after this shortbread I'm baking, Sophie darling."

 And then Molly punches the shortbread because god, Sophie's annoying ('who is?' ' ... who is this?' 'Gretchen.' 'Right ... just a sec. God, she's so annoying!')

My point is, it's realistic that eight years in the service industry would have brought her out of her shell, but the last we knew, Sophie was still firmly in there. Consistency, thou art a bitch. Speaking of which, the end of her rant about how his gorgeousness has made her Mary Sue all over the floor includes how her blush increases. Was she blushing? Oy, these details, amIright? Anyway, watch out because it's chapter two and Thomas Fletcher is already set to flirt.

"That's okay, you were busy ... with your favourite,' he says with a slight smile. 'Don't worry, I've already checked my pockets and I definitely have enough cash on me."

Don't worry, you pretty, blushing Mary Sue, for I am Gary Stu and have mountains of cash enough for tea and crumpets and time with doddering old ladies drinking their tea with their lace gloves and doilies!

Sophie ineptly flirts back by telling him she only has one favourite a day. Today is not your day, tomorrow isn't looking so hot either (okay, she only said the first line). For some reason, without my fabulous addition of an obnoxious catchphrase, Billy finds this hysterical, tipping his head back and laughing like crazy. At least Sophie's got some brains on her enough to agree that this reaction is strange because she wasn't being funny. I know honey, but this is Billy's way of flirting, clearly. He will laugh so you laugh so he can get in under your radar. And he started this just on the view of your ass, Sue.

I haven't done counts in a while, have I? Since these pages just make me go 'lolwut?' and I've been avoiding them. It's the ellipses one mainly, they're freaking everywhere! So what counts to catch up on?

Big Bad Secret: 4

How convenient, Mary Sue: 11

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 21

I'm not apologising for including multiple counts. You should see all the ellipses. I feel like breaking out the Mamma Mia! DVD (And? ... Dot. Dot. Dot.)

Anyway, I think Billy realises he's not the cool, suave, debonair actor he thinks he's portraying, and his own laughter makes him a bit uneasy. He hides behind the menu, and Sophie stands there for about thirty seconds before asking what she could get him. This must be a tiny menu. He orders coffee and lemon drizzle cake (why? Lemon drizzle has shit icing!) and then she notices he has a hand in his back pocket. Bitch was totally scoping his butt. They're both butt-people. Apparently she gets pretty familiar with his ass because he 'ponders over which table to sit at' before going into the darkest recesses of the shop. Big clue, miss I-can't-foreshadow, he's avoiding the fans. I should point out he hasn't introduced himself yet, and like Sophie he won't do so until his second chapter (and even then, it's not his choice), but this is Billy Buskin. In case you thought there might be any real drama.

Sophie makes his coffee and Molly materialises from the room of waiting-to-be-a-plot-device, adding to my other counts very nicely. Thanks Molly, you selfish, back-stabbing, slut-face ho-bag.

"Tell me everything!"
"What do you mean?" I ask, still flustered at the new arrival.
"Who is he?"
"I've got no idea!"
"Where did he come from?"
"Seriously Mol, I've got no idea. I've never seen him before.'
"Really? He looks a little familiar to me. He's not Mr and Mrs Williams' grandson, is he?"
"Maybe, but I don't think so. Wasn't he in the army? And ginger? I do think I've seen him somewhere before, though ..."
"He must be doing something with the filming. Just look at him,' she says, glancing quickly over her shoulder. 'Oh, if I was ten years younger!"
"Just ten? Make that forty!" I joke.
"You cheeky little ... I could show him a thing or-"
"Excuse me?"

Excited?! Me?!: 18

Molly just knows, OKAY: 2

How convenient, Mary Sue: 12

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 23

The excuse me came from Billy. He was so after hearing them bang on about how he got lucky with the old gene pool, and how awesome he is as an actor. Molly jumps straight into 'I'm a doormat, how can I best serve you' so is she Aaron Samuelling Sophie right now? And jumping back a little, Sophie's giving Molly crap about her age? OOC. Also, maybe Billy likes cougars, you ever think on that?

Billy wants a ham-and-pickle sandwich. Oh, these actors with their unreasonable demands and sandwiches that make me hungry (I could definitely go for a ham and pickle. Or a salt beef and pickle). He goes back to his seat and they giggle like they're still twelve.

There's a section break where we find out Molly has gone shopping and one of the other doddery old dears has summoned Sophie to talk about Stu. This is will be the topic of about 90% of conversations from now on, if this follows the usual patterns. The old lady is worried about Billy, because he's not behaving normally. As in, he's talking and gesturing to himself.

Confession, I do this. It helps me plan out dialogue and physical stances for my characters. But I do this in the bathroom. I don't do this with a script in front of me in a teashop described by the shop assistant as 'twee'.

Anyway, the old bat can't possibly go up to the guy muttering to himself in case it turns out he's a whackjob, so Sophie of course has to be the one to approach him. He's wearing purple converse (and the first positive thing I can think of about Billy, because converse are what make my feet happy) and having a merry old conversation with the air. For all the talk of how Sophie loves the classics and reads them multiple times, I'm surprised she didn't recognise the dialogue. She and the old bird have exclaimed a few times so far so

Excited?! Me?!: 20

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 24

The old bird makes a tea request before sending her off to the possible-nutter so yeah, good luck ever getting that tea, you dottering old biddy.

Sophie approaches Billy who is not only animated as he converses with the air, but has his eyes shut, and arms and legs crossed ... and he's tapping his head as he concentrates. So he has how many arms to be able to gesture, fold, and tap? Crossed arms waving about? That would work with the lunatic label, I guess. Still, fail.

Sophie apologises before getting his attention. Not 'excuse me?' just 'sorry'. Maybe she's apologising for his obvious demons. He stops talking and looks up anyway, such is the power a Sue has on a Stu. Sophie's nervous, such is the power of a Stu on a Sue. She blabs about how Miss Brown, the old lady, was scared he was a crazy bastard, but tries to make a joke of it. As someone who is brain damaged - that's not a laughing matter. And she's *impatient noise as words won't do*

Although, is there ever a jokey way to bring into question someone's mental health?

Considering what I know is about to happen, burn in hell, Sophie. You're not exactly the picture of mental health here. He has a wad of paper in front of him, you have already noted that. Maybe he writes the screen play. Maybe he finds it easier to read things like contracts by saying them out loud. Maybe he has a list of things he needs to get on with and he's reasoning how to go about it out loud. Maybe he's on a hands-free phone call and you're being fucking rude. Maybe he's rehearsing lines to play Mr Darcy in the upcoming film because he's Billy Buskin (It's that one).

He stops trying to capture Mr Darcy long enough to look intrigued and call Miss Brown out on her fucking judgements. I'm liking Billy a lot actually, he seems pretty well-balanced compared to this crazy-ass town. And I can see why he'd have to leave Mr Darcy in a compartment in his brain, since he seems happy-go-lucky (because he's Tom Fletcher) and Mr Darcy is an arrogant twat until Elizabeth Bennett bitchslaps him with reality.

"Really? Why? Have I done something to offend her? Did I eat with my mouth open? Slurp noisily on my coffee?" he asks, clearly amused.
I hear the elderly lady loudly tutting behind me.
"Actually, she's worried about the fact that you've been talking to yourself for the past hour," I force myself to continue. "According to her, it's the first sign of madness ..."
Suddenly he breaks out into another huge laugh, making me look up from the floor and take in his joyful face - causing a smile to spread across mine uncontrollably. Once he has composed himself, he leans forward, lightly holds my forearms, pulls me towards him slightly and looks into my eyes as he continues in a calm and quiet voice.
"Please tell dear Miss Brown that I'm sorry for upsetting her. There's no need to call the men in white coats yet. I'm just lear-"

Before I carry on:

Ellipses! Ellipses! More Ellipses!: 25

Tom McFly, is that you?: 6

Excited?! Me?!: 21 (for Billy's random laughter)

I love Billy's bit here. Like 'oh, was I lacking in manners? No, no it's not me lacking in manners ... I'm going to go with the old bird in the knitted hat sticking her beak in my business. That's who the fuck has no manners'. And Miss Brown knows that's what he was doing, because she made that noise. And Sophie is completely unaware of the subtext and plows on like a good Mary Sue, and he finds it hysterical that she has no awareness of anything, pretty much. So then he explains patiently what's going on, and it cuts off right where it does in the quote. Why?

Big, bad secret: 5

Sophie stops listening to the obvious explanation because he's touching her (and did he really need to grab her? Put your libido away Tom, I know it all started when Giovanna walked into assembly but really?) and that causes her to have a panic attack. Bitch has panic attacks and judges other people on their mental prowess. Panic attacks should surely make her more understanding that a glitch in the brain is harder to heal than a glitch anywhere else, right?

But Billy ups his cool even more by instantly noticing the dumbass has frozen and gone into fight-or-flight, asking instantly if she's okay and by the looks of things, genuinely meaning it. She can't speak, she's shaking, so he makes her sit down. Bit of manhandling to get her there which is stupid really, because touching her is what made her shut down. But Billy maybe doesn't know that, he's just aware enough that being unsteady when you're standing is not a good thing.

He starts making her tea, rummaging around behind the counter for a cup and saucer and junk, and she says the noises are amplified in my head (my mental issues cause this sometimes, that is far more annoying then she's explained so far) and then he hands her the tea, sitting next to her as she drinks and holding her hand, rubbing his thumb along her palm.

That makes me squicky for two reasons. I can't stand when people touch my palm, or I've had boyfriends before who stick their nails under mine (the fuck is that? I want to shed my entire skin and flesh when shit like that happens, I feel it all crawling. Like someone else's clothes rubbing on my bare arm, or someone touching my ear like my son does sometimes. I feel like the feeling won't go until I scratch my ear off, for real). I also hate this for the obvious reason of they've been in the same teashop for all of an hour and have had two limited conversations in that time, one of which she called him mental. The fuck is he holding her hand for? I get he's trying to soothe her, but that shit is what messed her up in the first place, and you move fast now, dontcha Tom? Although as the story goes, he did basically ask her out her first day at school. Then dumped her two days later for someone else (hey Billy, you gonna do that?)

Somehow, Sophie likes the handholding. She concentrates on the palm stroking and that focus brings the panic in a little. She's looking at their hands, and somehow knows he's looking at their hands and not her too. Periphery vision? Maybe. Poor writing? You tell me. She recovers from her Bellaitis and acts all embarrassed. Billy's like 'hey, shit happens' but obviously neither of these characters swear as much as me:

"Better?" he asks, his hand stopping the rubbing motion but continuing to clasp mine
I nod slowly. Instantly feeling stupid, I keep my eyes on the cup I'm holding, too humiliated to look elsewhere.
"How embarrassing!" I say, closing my eyes.
"No it's not. Don't be daft."
I look up at him with another sigh. For the last five minutes or so I'd turned into a trembling idiot. It's more than embarrassing. It's humiliating.
"Hey ... it's OK," he says, giving my hand a squeeze along with a sympathetic smile.
I glance over at Miss Brown and find that, thankfully, she seems to be preoccupied with a crossword puzzle. She's probably even forgotten sending me over in the first place - little does she know the drama she's sparked.
"At a guess, I'd say you were having a panic attack," he continues cautiously.
I close my eyes and let out a groan.
"Oi! I said don't be daft," he says, squeezing my hand again.

Miss Brown probably also forgot she ordered another pot of tea.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 13 (nice plot device to make your Stu wuv you!)

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 27

Billy already seems pretty emotionally invested in Sophie, which is weird to me. He doesn't even know her name yet, she doesn't know his. They talk a little more about how Sophie used to have panic attacks a lot but that was the first one in a while and Billy says he knows what it's like but neither of them goes into it (because Tom probably doesn't like the whole world reading in two books how his Bi-Polar makes him a little socially awkward at events and with fans. Their autobiography did that enough, right? I still think Tom's adorable though). Sophie says it's nice that despite not trading stories, having known each other for all of an hour and a bit, that he can understand her and hasn't judged her.

That's right Sophie, you out-and-out called him mental to his face, and then showed you had a panic attack in some brilliant move by karma, and he didn't once say 'and I'm fucking mental?' but instead accommodated the fact you actually do have a problem. He's understanding to a fault. Like a Stu to a Sue.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 14

We get our next flashback! I won't recap it too much, but it's about her first panic attack, when she was eleven, and her dad had just died and her mum was struggling with her own grief and didn't realise Sue felt neglected. The other kids stared at her because her dad had just died and she ended up having a panic attack. She describes it pretty accurately, actually.

Molly comes back from the plot-device store, and Sophie remembers that hey, this is a shop she works in, and not a first date with a stranger. She starts to get up, but she needn't worry her pretty little head, she has a man now to help and get work done. Molly looks shocked as Billy approaches her (she was totally reading the weekly rags and got caught up on who Billy is) and Billy talks fast and quietly to Molly, which Sophie declares is him 'grassing her up' because they look at her.

Totally. I think it's more "Hey, Mrs Shop owner, I see you have Heat Magazine in your bag and therefore know I'm Billy Buskin. The girl on the boat with me is my sister, but whatever, please don't tell Sue who I am. You get slave labour for the day. Oh, and she had a panic attack, so I gave her some tea. Maybe she should go home or summat?"

Well, Regina totally loves being in on the secret so she makes him help her and whisper with her. Sophie refuses to go home and instead once Billy buggers off, sits there eating cake and drinking tea and generally wasting labour and stock. Viable business practice, right there. And that's the end of the chapter, but not with a few more tally additions:

Molly just knows, OKAY?: 3

Tom McFly, is that you?: 7

How convenient, Mary Sue: 15

 

END OF CHAPTER TALLIES:

Big, bad secret: 5
Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 5 (unchanged from chapter 1)
Excited?! Me?!: 21
How convenient, Mary Sue: 15
Molly just knows, OKAY?: 3
Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 27
Tom McFly, is that you?: 7

Meh

I want to write, but lack of sleep means my brain is like 'what are words right now?' and reading Mervin's Twilight sporking makes me want to rant about blood, which I do far too much (for the record? It takes 10 days for your blood cells to break down in your body and for your spleen to make new ones. Bella had several transfusions (oh god, my brain hurt finding that word) and still smells amazing two days later ... Bullshit, Meyer).

So not fair, I won't get another chance to write until next Tuesday. My life is full of bullshit right now.

Still, mum and me made my dad watch We Need To Talk About Kevin last night, which is my favourite book (I took my mum to see it in the cinema and she laughed when Eva broke Kevin's arm ... innappropriate much, Mumsey?) and it's the first film in a while my dad has stayed awake for. He commented heavily, and I think he thought I was pretty blase about it ("he's a psychopath!" "he's completely mental!" "he shot his dad and sister?" "why didn't he kill the mother?" "because you don't shoot the audience.") but I have read that book a few times, and seen that film more than once, and I fucking love Ezra Miller and his over-sized head just for how well he did Kevin.

Giving back

So, on Sunday I demanded to finish work early (I left half hour late, thanks for the understanding!) and did a seven mile bike ride around Richmond Park for the TTP unit who saved my life. Then slept for six hours, and went back to work, another three hours sleep, and another shift (Yep, I finished at 8am yesterday, and was due back at 5, but I had to wash my uniform as well so win). I ache like a bitch.

And because of that achiness, because the bike I was using had dud gears and I had to walk up each incline (there were many) I am full out whoring my donation page.

http://www.justgiving.com/Siobhan-Collier1

I know I'm well above my target, and the minimum per rider, but:

-each machine they have for plasma pheresis costs £600,000
-each treatment for TTP is around £15,000
-£75 is not a lot in comparison for how much was spent on me in the course of a fortnight.

At least I have an awesome purple T-shirt (no, you can't have it Jodie) ... my boy also got one, since they had spare, but they only had spare medium so ... he has a purple dress.

I may or may not whore out their website when the pictures go up. No, I will not point out who I am, although tags may do that for me. Was cool meeting the woman who basically saved my life again, that's a surreal moment right there (I do mean the doctor, who's also like, the lead researcher of TTP in the country, so yeah, she's saved a few lives!)

Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter one

Chapter one starts by telling us it's April, and winter was 'dreary' but there's lots of flowers and colours and optimism in the air, bunnies on the floor and birds flying through the air.

So of course, Sophie is in a coat, to keep out the crisp spring air that threatens to chill my bones. Sorry Sophie, I think it's winter still.

She goes on to add to the count in the second paragraph:

My cold button nose is buried deep inside a battered copy of Wuthering Heights as I make my way down the tree-lined alleyway that leads to the quiet High Street.

*sighs* Is your nose a button one, or did that kind of purple prose just grab you? And I'd batter my copy of Wuthering Heights if it wasn't on my kindle because that book sucks ass(my personal opinion, sorry). Also, alleyways are typically between houses or fences, and are rarely tree-lined. I don't know where you were walking, Sophie.

Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 2

This then leads nicely into another opportunity to bump up my counts, because she can read while walking yet avoid all dangers by staying away of her periphery vision thanks to my literary obsession!

Excited?! Me?!: 3

I'm guessing it's thanks to the obsession because she read a how-to on walking, reading, and avoiding manholes. Unfortunately it doesn't get referenced, possibly because Heathcliff declared it was Cathy's book and a wench like Sophie shouldn't sully it. She says she still says good morning to people she passes, so either she's not concentrating on the book and therefore just walking around obscuring her vision, or she's chancing a 'good morning' on whatever obstacles she thinks she can see. She probably said good morning to as many trees as she did people.

She's also training for the olympic reading-while-walking event, I think, because despite reading she's taking strong strides up a hill. I've read-and-walked, you really don't walk that fast, or quickly, or which much purpose, and that goes double since you're on an incline. She can also see through the pages at Molly waving and winking through the window ... so we'll just assume what Sophie was actually doing was walking and thinking about Wuthering Heights.

Sophie enters the shop, and Molly's on the phone, gossiping about someone, and we add to our count with something really bitchy:

"Oooh, June,' she coos, excitement making her voice go squeaky. "There she is now! Gosh, what on earth is she wearing that for? She looks like she's in a banana suit!"

So, Molly's a bit of a bitch.

Excited?! Me?!: 4

I actually don't know the point of this bit, except to make Molly seem vicious with her gossiping and show Sophie to be a bit spineless.

I follow Molly's gaze and find that she's looking at Mrs Taylor, who has decided to venture outside today wearing a tight, bright yellow two-piece. Oh, the scandal! I roll my eyes and walk over to the oven to start baking. I can still hear Molly wittering away on the phone while I tie on my red-and-pink spotted apron.

See? She knows Molly's being a bitch, she thinks it's wrong, she sees nothing wrong with the outfit described ... but she starts baking. Also, unless they're pink and red spots on a white background, that apron sounds gross.

Molly carries on 'wittering' (bitching) until Mrs Taylor comes into the shop. She hangs up quickly, and Molly becomes an even bigger bitch by smiling and simpering as she talks to Mrs Taylor, and then compliments her on her outfit, saying yellow really suits you!

She didn't have to say shit about the outfit, she wasn't prompted. If it was that bad, mention Mrs Taylor's hair cut. This is what I fucking hate about other women. And Sophie's response? To think internally

Ahh, the friendly two-facedness of village life

Was that really friendly? That was like Regina George saying:

 

Molly is Regina George in fifty years. Anyway, the next bit is of Sophie banging around in the kitchen and Molly asking why but not really asking and the conversation goes in a pointless circle vortex of increased word count. So what does that signal?

Big, bad secret: 3

I'm still only two chapters on from here, and you know what? I can call this secret. Her dad died, her mum couldn't get over it, and neither could she. Billy will help her come to terms with it, blah blah blah.

I'm also introducing a new count, because the amount of ellipses I'm seeing in the text is frightening. Ellipses are so tempting, and I am forever editing the shit out of them and in fact I've deleted two in this spork alone. There's a use for them, to show a transition from one thought period to another but this is ridiculous and unnecessary. A comma would do for most of them.

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 11 (I just counted)

We're treated to a time jump signalling the end of an undetermined length of shift, when Sophie goes to visit her mum, and we hear all about their council-funded library. Are there many independent libraries in England and I'm just unaware because I come from a poor area where all we have is council-funded libraries? Or is this opposed to a University library and therefore balancing genres rather than being academic?

She also gets a bit Bella-Swan like, saying there's only ten rows of battered books (does her mother not give people the stink eye and try and revoke their cards based on the way they've neglected these books?) and two computers that might as well turn to oil now, they're such dinosaurs. At least there's a study table and a stretch saved for beanbags. So we can afford to spruce up the decor, but not the actual point of the library ie books and computers? I'm not pissing about here:

Mum takes great pride in the place and makes sure the rows of books gleam to perfection, that her wall displays are always fun and inviting, and that she's quick to order in anything requested that they don't have in stock.

I take it back, she's Ana Steele-d it (with her, nasty, never-used trainers) ... how can the books be battered, yet gleaming? I'm assuming all these dog-eared, fall apart books her mother is so eager to order more of are in dust jackets ... but wouldn't it be more prudent to pay for new rather than second- or third-hand? But hey, I shouldn't judge, because the walls are fun! Take that, High Street!

She talks to her mum, and almost Bella Swan's again, since we get this wonderful description of her mother, but we still don't know what she looks like. She misses being a total Bella though, because we actually get hazel eyes and chestnut hair, which is a major step up from 'my mom looks like me' *flips back and confirms there's no description for the comparison in the first place*

We find out her mum, who's restacking magazines, has been reading along as she goes, so well done skiver-mum! It's an opening however, to talk about how her mum thinks the magazines will bring in younger people because they're things like Heat and Grazia and shit. Which will lead to talking about the point of the story eventually, but first, we need some culture!

 

"We've also had some new books delivered," she continues, as she picks herself up from the floor, brushes dust off her knee-length black skirt and removes bits of fluff from her black shirt. "Including a brand new copy of Jane Eyre," she continues. "So you no longer have to battle with those loose or missing pages!"

Oh, for Jane Eyre we can get a brand new copy, but Dan Brown and Dorothy Koomson can go take a hike, right? Also, continues twice in the same paragraph? That's an Ana trait. I can tell this has been edited, so what the hell editor, proof-reader and beta readers? Could she not 'add' after she 'continued'? Plus

 Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 3

Jane Eyre reminds me of my year eight teacher making me stand on a chair at the front of class so he could deliver the teacher's "you're pathetic, Jane; you have no future" speech at me. Thanks for that mental scarring, Mr Cracknell (could be worse, he did Mr Rochester's love speech to my friend. Awkwarrrrrrrd!)

Sophie's read Jane about a hundred times, by the way, but the old copy's probably worn out by all the schoolgirls who leave it in their bags ... grrrrrrr! (also, mental note, add to the ellipsis count because that was an unfinished sentence in the book) Okay first of all, depending on which exam board your school is part of, Jane Eyre is on the curriculum. Girls and boys would all be reading it. Second, if it's in their bags, it's safer for the spines and therefore the leaves than if it was, I don't know, being read constantly? And third, why would these school children have a book for their coursework and then just leave it in their bags? They'd come out for lessons, and homework assignments and I'm actually so mad at this. Is this a dig at Tom's fans?

Tom McFly? Is that you?: 1

So mad, I'm starting that count early.

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 12

And now her mum starts gossiping. She says she doesn't want to hear any gossip but pfffft, course she does. The gossip it that a film company is coming, ohmigosh, and they're going to make a period drama right in the village, up in the big hall that the village was built around. They're making Pride and Predjudice, would you believe?

Excited?! Me?!: 6

Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 5

Yep, the exclamation count got a triple, look at this:

"This is the bit I think you'll like ..." She pushes her glasses up her nose with one finger and pauses for dramatic effect. "Pride and Prejudice!"
"No!"
"Yep!"

And Goddammit, I almost missed it:

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 13

But Sophie isn't happy, because of course a film crew is going to butcher a classic Austen, and they clearly don't love Austen the way Sophie does.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 4

It's such a Mary Sue thing, to love something so much better than everyone else and therefore piss and moan if someone dares touch their special thing. I'm tempted to add to the Tom count on this as well, because this is so foreshadowing for the Tom figure, but I won't. Sophie starts speculating on who Darcy is going to be played by, because hey, a Sue is not complete without a Stu, and wouldn't a film star just be the peachiest role for a Stu? That way he can be perfect and manly and it's expected.

Been there, done that. Also, this adds:

Excited?! Me?!: 7

Sophie's hoping it's Jude Law. Now, for an older-than-myself man, Jude Law is pretty fit, but this seems off to me. Jude's borderlining forty, he's too old for the role. Why couldn't she say someone like James McAvoy or Orlando Bloom? Both can do regency, and British accents, and are young enough to pull off the role. I think they both have, actually. It's just weird for a twenty-six year old to fantasise about a young man being played by a middle-aged man when people like Douglas Booth make more sense for her to aim for, but this might be to try to show how unattainable the Stu is going to be. This gets two counts:

How convenient, Mary Sue: 5

Tom McFly, is that you?: 2

We're treated to another time jump, where everyone's gossiping about the film. Not about how wonderful Pride and Prejudice is and how excited they are for a new interpretation, but because it's a film, and they might get to meet whatever star is involved.

We get this wonderful bit of foreshadowing as well:

The shop has slowly become the 'cool' place to hang out, attracting grannies and mums in the daytime and then schoolgirls from four o'clock onwards. There are a few different groups of girls that come in on a regular basis, but this afternoon we are joined by Janet, Ella and Charlotte - three fifteen-year-olds who simply love talking boys, make up and gossip whilst sipping their pot of peppermint tea and picking at their skinny blueberry muffins.

Oh, boy. Do you know what I just read? "All Tom's fans are young, have stupid names and are vacuous and cliquey." Harsh. I'm older than all of McFly, love reading, and writing and discussing theories, but I also love shopping, and peppermint tea, and cake ... I will give you the stupid name. Seriously, what monster calls their child Janet these days? Apparently she's bossy, and therefore the leader of the clique. Nice judgement there, Sophie.

So the first person mentioned is a made up Big Brother contestant. It gets lots of exclamation marks, because he weed in the pool and had a threesome in the garden apparently. Not sure anyone is quite that voyeuristic. But still

Excited?! Me?!: 8

Charlotte, who's quiet and therefore thought more kindly about, volunteers that she heard Billy Buskin might be Darcy.

Tom McFly? Is that you?: 3

Billy Buskin is a made up actor, and because the title is Billy and me, and we've already met the me (Sophie) this must be the Billy. Welcome to my Sherlock style powers of deduction. Charlotte heard this from the mum of one of their friends who's going to train the cast on horse-riding. She has lists, and apparently no confidentiality contracts, so what kind of shitty film crew is this? It would be different if Charlotte was snooping and found the list, and she'd impress her friends more.

Anyway, her friends hear the facts and immediately ignore them because he's too famous for a period piece, dontcha know? Except I know Jake Gyllenhaal tries to match every three films he does with a stint in the theatre and Daniel Radcliffe is equally eager about being on Broadway as he is about expanding his film roles. So this gets a blatant count for shitty foreshadowing.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 6

And then we get this wonderful bit of internal monologue:

I've no idea who they're talking about and so zone out and think about Jude. Imagine walking through the village and bumping into him every day! That would be absolute heaven! Of course, he'd bring lots to the role too ... charm and charisma. I don't just want him here to ogle at - honest!"

Excited?! Me?!: 11

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 15

We then get to hear why she's obsessed with Jude Law, it's because of The Holiday. And Goddammit, I'm giving this final paragraph a couple of counts, because it's vacuous what Toms fans - those teenagers-are discussing, but since Sophie loves Austen and Bronte and Jude Law, it's different:

How convenient, Mary Sue: 7

Tom McFly, is that you?: 4

Excited?! Me?!: 12

And I bet you thought I was joking about the excite-o-meter bit.

 

END OF CHAPTER TALLIES:

Big, bad secret: 3
Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 5
Excited?! Me?!: 12
How convenient, Mary Sue: 7
Molly just knows, OKAY?: 1 (unchanged from prologue)
Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 15
Tom McFly, is that you?: 4 (and Billy hasn't even shown up yet)

Siobhan's sporking: Billy and Me, Prologue

I'm going to dive right in:

When I was four years old, all I ever wanted was to have a weeing Tiny Tears doll. 

This is how Giovanna has decided to start her novel. So we know instantly it's going to be first person narrative. It's going to have flashbacks. Lots and lots of flashbacks.

This one goes into a description of the doll and why the main character (we don't know her name yet) wants one. Her nameless best friend had one, and envy set in. The main character had a tantrum or two and got her way, only to abuse the poor thing about a week later.

I'm not having great thoughts about our protagonist already. Self-centred, a little shallow, and flippant about material goods that cost way more than a child can potentially realise. Good start, Giovanna.

She goes on to talk about how her life follows this pattern, where she wants something (the next story is going onto Live and Kicking and dancing with Mr Blobby) and whether she gets her way or not. I'm still not totally in love with this protagonist.

And then, we get a slight change:
 

At some point that extrovert little girl who used to sing to anyone who would listen and dance without a care in the world, became painfully shy and bashful.

 1)"Extrovert little girl" is clunky and poor English.
2)Run on sentence. I should know, I'm pretty good at them.
3)I know I've glossed over the singing/dancing bit, but I don't like the whole 'overnight I changed' bit. This might end up one of my counts, for just being so derivative and having a big, bad secret. Why does it always have to be a secret that acts as the catalyst in these things for conflict?

Big, bad secret: 1

And in the same paragraph that the above starts, we also get this wonderful nugget:

I suddenly became less confident at school and around other people - preferring the company of a good book to an actual human.

And so begins count two.

Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 1

Look, I love to read, Giovanna. I've always given books slightly more attention than people, but that doesn't mean I want to believe my protagonist has fallen into the trap of replacing people with books. I hate that stereotype. Also, I chose that count name for a reason, I don't mean make obscure references; but the bookish in the world can tell a reader in a writer. Twilight gets stick for clinging to whatever Bronte or Austen novel caught Stephenie Meyer's attention. Fifty Shades is renowned because EL James has messed up Thomas Hardy and tried to sell it as a romance (...) I'm not saying don't love these books, but show you read more. Say something positive about recent novelists maybe, throw in comparisons to Helen Fielding and Sophie Kinsella. Talk if you must about Edward Dante and what his love drove him to. I personally think Sarah Dessen is the Young Adult equivalent of all these books (and The Moon and More is out now, get in!). Expand your book knowledge in story to show that your character truly is a reader *end rant*

Anyway, this is one long paragraph on exposition as to why this nameless girl is now shy and quiet. She had one friend, apparently (and the first name we get, Mary Lance! Never to be heard of again, no doubt) but they weren't really friends, just bodies that happened to gravitate towards each other at lunch.

Nameless then gives more exposition (is this a prologue? Is this chapter one: exposition? It just says "Me" on the title of this section) about forgoing A levels for a gap year. But not a gap year to travel, just to live in her village and work. And then we get the first of many exclamation marks that are going to bug me (I've only read to the end of chapter three, I know they're going to bug me).

I started my job hunt by dropping off my CV in the village shops - there weren't and aren't that many to target. We have a bank, a library, a post office, Budgens, a florist, a few clothes shops, a hardware store, a cafe and a teashop ... hardly the most riveting high street ever!

Excited?! Me?!: 1

She's talking to me like we're friends. Since I don't even know her name, this just really sticks out for me. Also, that's a fairly varied, and populated high street for a village. In this era of economic decline with email being free and easy and faster than post, it's the post office that makes this stick out for me. You have to be reasonably sized, have enough people and things going on within the town to have one these days. Especially as it's not tacked inside a chemist or corner shop. Also, why is the high street supposed to be riveting in the first place? Oh, I know why she put that, but seriously ... are the clothes shops boutiques, or chain stores? Would it be more exciting if the Austen-only bookstore happened to be there? Do you expect streamers and a parade every time you go down it? Because that doesn't tie in with your three-kindle-pages worth of woe-is-me exposition.

We then hear about how this nameless girl entered the teashop, and what it looks like, and smells like and sounds like. Which is brilliant, because I don't know what this girl looks like. Maybe like Kiera Knightly, she does all those period romances, right? Anyway, we also then get a description of the owner of the teashop, as she zips around serving the customers and sounding like an elderly tornado.

Flying around the room was a woman who I guessed was in her sixties. Her grey hair was set in a big rollered quiff at the front, with the rest of her curls held in underneath a net. I watched her dart in between customers - taking orders, bringing out food and stopping briefly for a little natter here and there. She continued to keep a calm smile on her face, even though it was clear that she was running the shop alone.

You want a job here, and you're watching her mount her broom and sweat it out for how long before you intervene? Oh, you don't, you sit there in a corner until she gets bored of being stared at and comes to you.

She hands over her CV after a paragraph of how she's done that before but this is different somehow, and then she basically gets an interview, right off the bat. During which, she lies about her experience. And then we get this exchange:


"And - one last thing - do you like cake?"
"I love it," I said, giving her a nervous smile.
"Good to hear! You're hired. You've come in at a very good time actually, my last waitress unexpectedly quit yesterday - with no explanation!"

Excited?! Me?!: 2

If only cake was a real requisite for getting a job ...

Also, new count,

How convenient, Mary Sue: 1

Because who just gets a job, just like that? After the person who's position you're now taking just upped and left without explanation? Also, what if that person had played hooky for the day, or had laryngitis so bad they couldn't get out of bed without their head spinning? I've been there, so this person might have lost their job on an assumption. Wow.

Anyway, we finally get names! The teashop owner introduces herself as Molly (what kind of job interview is this? "What hours will you work? Like cake? Great, you're hired! I'm Molly") and Nameless finally christens herself as Sophie.

So Billy and me is actually Billy and Sophie, peeps.

Anywho, Molly hugs Sophie, because this is just how job interviews go in rural villages too small for the high streets to be open-air nightclubs twenty-four-seven, yet big enough to apparently have its own stand-alone post office, and when Molly asks if Sophie had anything by way of a social life happening that day and gets a no, she makes Sophie work.

Oh. I get what you did there, Molly. Lure her in, then make her work like a dog. Sophie serves some people, mainly old ladies who will provide gossip and typical Mary-Sue-Supportership. Then there's some more exposition about Sophie's mother being a librarian and wonderful so obviously Sophie will be wonderful, sprinkled with some nice, blatant foreshadowing.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 2

Because isn't it just so typical that one Sue begets another? Anyway, we're then treated to the mother of all time jumps:

My gap year flew by before I'd even had a chance to think about what I wanted to do next, and so I extended it to two years ... then three years ... then four, until I suddenly realized that I had no desire to go to university at all; I was happy where I was, and am still just as happy eight years later.

If Mervin and the rest at Das Sporking saw that, I think they'd have a hernia. They criticize Twilight relentlessly for the crazy time jumps, but that is ridiculous. The smoother way would have been to continue the exposition, then have an insert page declaring it eight years later. Especially as Sophie then goes back to how she and Molly started a routine of baking then waiting, and it throws me that she jumps forward, then back in time.

We're treated to one more Mary-Sue before the end of whatever this is (the next page just says Part One, so ... what was that, exactly?) and it's a doozy, hitting a few Mary Sue elements of being amazing, and misunderstood, but surrounded by whatever tools will help her grow into a beautiful butterfly:

Looking back now, I know Molly had an inkling of who I was as soon as I walked into the shop. I also believe that, knowing who I was, there was no way she would turn me away without helping me, because it's in her nature to help those in need of healing; and I certainly needed some of that.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 3

Big, bad secret: 2

Molly just knows, OKAY?: 1

Yeah, I just added that last count, because this will happen as well. So that's the end of ... the prologue? Can I also just say, that last paragraph has some bad grammar. "it's in" is present tense, but "looking back" implies past tense. I know what she's done, she's shortened "it was" instead of "it is" because I do that too, but this makes me cringe extra because I know how awkward that one is.

 

END OF CHAPTER TALLIES:

Big, bad secret: 2
Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 1
Excited?! Me?!: 2
How convenient, Mary Sue: 3
Molly just knows, OKAY?: 1

So far, this is reading like a typical romance set up, isn't it? The next couple of chapters will be proof as to why it's not a typical romance, but is a typical fanfiction. This woman is married to a musician, a fairly successful one at that. Stayed tuned for the count on him ...

my first sporking

I've decided I'm going to try my hand at sporking a book.

for those of you who don't know, sporking is a way of reviewing a book, often going line by line or scene by scene. An in depth review.

I've been reading das sporking's fifty shades, twilight and Harry Potter fanfics and I think it's an interesting process.

I probably won't be consistent with my updates as my work patterns vary so much. But I'll do my best ;)

the book I'm going to spork is Billy and me.by Giovanna Fletcher. As I type I'm three chapters in and I already have a lot to rant about so ... that's why I chose this book.

Giovanna Fletcher is the wife of one of mcfly, Billy and me is her first novel. We will be discussing heavily how that shows.

for the record, I quite like Giovanna, so I'll do my best not to rip into her completely.