mental health

So, as you all know by now, I don't have great mental health, a result of my body being starved of oxygen from poor blood flow and partially collapsed lungs way back when I had TTP. Sometimes, I think I can cope with day-to-day stuff despite it, but increasingly I'm feeling like it's really limiting me, or holding me back.


Even the most simple tasks can escape me, be too challenging or just not occur to me. Things like getting my son ready for school, or doing a simple laundry load, I need encouragement or assistance by my parents still.


I'm not trying to moan, or make people feel sorry for me. I just feel so frustrated by it all, and out of my depth for things that should be commonplace. I remember when I first went into remission, I was determined to beat it, to make what happened a footnote that I would barely remember. But sometimes, it's the only thing I remember. I'm learning - very slowly - just how big an effect this has had, how ling it will continue to dominate my life. You can't escape a handicap no matter how much you try.


Sometimes I don't realise just how it affects me until a situation occurs where I then can't cope. I might have been having a good day and then one question can ruin everything. Because I struggle with the answer. Because I can't figure out the task. Because the question places some kind of stress on me that renders me useless.


And I'm not unintelligent, I was always gifted, and even now when I'm confused so easily I can still ace a quiz. But where I used to coast so easily through these things it makes it so much harder to deal with.


I admit, sometimes I wish I could just cave completely and research whether I'm technically disabled on this front, go through the system to find out if they think I am. But then I'd feel so guilty, or lazy (this is a personal thing. I am not in any way applying these thoughts to my disabled friends) and I can imagine them saying no I'm not, and I've worked since my sick leave so obviously I can manage. And I love my job, but I know I'm not very good at it. I forget the simple things there too, like asking customers obvious questions.


I think mainly, I just wish it wasn't like this so much. That I could remember the basics and not have to rely on others. My parents are getting on, you know? They shouldn't have to be my carers. They shouldn't have to be my sons other parents.


Part of the reason I haven't blogged so much, on top of my big writing projects (which I am also struggling with) is this feeling, and not being able to think of topics. And I probably sound really down and for the most I'm not. I'm just increasingly frustrated by how limited I feel. I think that feeling fuels the problem and I'm stuck in a cycle right now. I don't know how to break it.

2015

don't worry, I'm not about to make wlempty new years resolutions like "I will blog more" (truthfully, I have missed blogging but have been consumed by this companion story I've been working on which is almost over now) more, I'm making a plan of action for the foreseeable future. Such as:


-not spending anything superfluous in the next few months. I have a shit ton of expensive things to pay for - a new car, a concert with boy, my BFF's hen do, Asylum 14, BFF's wedding - and not much time, with minimal hours in which to pay for it.


-clear my old laptops. Sell them.


-ebay my nice clothes that no longer fit.


-car boot stuff from Primark etc.


gahhhhh, I fucking hate money!


other POAs include:


-finishing the companion piece.
-finish other outstanding pieces.
-work on my WIP.
-actually sodding publish.


... so, not many goals.

Illness

I chose a timely moment to write this, my boy is home from school with a stomach bug (you wouldn't think it right now, because he's drinking juice and watching YouTube, but my car stinks of stomach acid from where he puked last night) but ultimately, my motivation for writing this comes from ... you probably guessed. The Supernatural fandom.

Overall, it's a fantastic fandom. Unless you're in it, you probably wouldn't understand totally what it's like, and don't worry, I'm not going to sit here and bang on about it. Any more than I have done anyway.

One of the things I've noticed - and I've noticed it in other areas of my life too, but this one more so perhaps because I met about 500 people, all at once - is that a lot of us do have health problems. Fibromyalgia, MS, BiPolar, arthritis, Aspergers. We're a sickly bunch.

But despite this, it's proportional, you know? I mean, when you consider that fibro, like TTP, has only really had an advancement of study in the past few decades and more information and therefore more diagnoses are becoming prevalent (and in the case with my TTP, it means more lives are being saved so more people are TTP survivors).

However, I have noticed a trend in the last few weeks in the various groups we're all involved in. A trend where people claim that anxiety is a disability - I mean, it can be, but I'm referring to those who have never had a problem before, or who don't seem to have any issue with shouting about their anxiety from the rooftops, which seems like an oxymoron to me. Those people definitely don't have the medical connection - with the announcement that Jensen will be at the next Rogue Convention (fucking meeting DEAN!!!) it's increased sporadically.

I'm sure I've mentioned on here before my own dealings with social anxiety, where I couldn't even hand in my TTP sick notes and my parents had to do it, where I have to talk myself into the simplest of things. One of my best friends has gotten married in the interim of my postings, and I was terrified of going. Someone reposted something on Facebook that I included into my mantra to help me do basic things ("Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on") but there is something key here. My social anxiety is a result of the trauma I went through. It's tough, it can seem debilitating, sometimes that fuck it feels like I should be saying 'fuck it, who needs it?' but most importantly? IT IS NOT A DISABILITY.

Like friend A with fibro needs a rest every couple of days and she can live a semi normal life. She has a friend with recurring Lyme disease who developed CFS and he is only functional a couple of days a week. Friend B with fibro has to rest up for a few days after doing anything, because her body will fight her if she tries to do any more. Like friend C whose son is Aspergers, and friend D whose husband and children all have different things wrong.

I'm not trying to shit all over people's problems. I loathe it when people shit all over mine, when they think I'm whining about being tired because my brain damage gets triggered by my fatigue so when I'm feeling like I cannot go on and the only sense I can make is to say "I'm tired". But there is an inherent difference between being medically unable to function and something that's tough but doesn't require medical assistance. And people should understand the finite differences, and act accordingly.

Why is this annoying me? Because I can see a couple of things happening. Perfectly healthy people with no restrictions are suddenly considering asking for disability access, all because Jensen is coming. I get it, I do, he's a huge actor and that makes you anxious which sets off the cycle. But consider this - your anxiety to get five minutes up the queue to see the man triggering your anxiety will have a knock on effect for that Aspergers kid who can't cope with crowds. It's going to make that girl with fibromyalgia sit out something she wanted to do because she cannot cope with the increased access line. They got access to avoid what your anxiety is causing. The knock on effect is that your anxiety makes a tougher con for more people, including the staff who are helping to make the experience a good one for everyone. If it is so important, why did you not buy a ticket early and seek out an upgrade? I know of one upgrade who will be getting access because she has genuine issues ... and that's it. Out of 150 of us (approximately).

What else can I see? I see people using it, going on about it constantly, making it seem like a big deal that they have anxiety and so need pity. No. I'm sorry that you have these issues, I do too, trust me. But there are worse things. There's being told you're brain damaged for a start. There's doctors telling you that the things you took for granted, you can never do again, like walking, or being fully independent, or having children. All because of a legitimate disability. I, and others, battle constantly to even try to function as normal, to do things like we used to because dammit, it's hard enough now without those pleasures life used to give us, without people wanting pity for something others consider a side effect. Yes, it irritates me. I get that it's a big portion of your life, and this will be harsh, but please understand what it's like for those of us with real issues who have to read this over and over. It is minor. And it sickens me that this is the excuse that will be used by so many people to try and get that much closer to Jensen. It makes a mockery of the system, and of those people who are so restricted by their legitimate anxiety that they can barely leave the house.

So reconsider. You have over six months in which to do so. Is your anxiety really so strong that you cannot even go near the crowds (have to wonder why you booked for such a notoriously busy convention, personally) and must have access? Is it general or Jensen-specific anxiety? Does someone else need this more than you? Are you being selfish here, or is it so bad that it's a necessity?

And for the record - no. I wouldn't consider access. I didn't spend seven months of sick leave when I first went into remission fighting to get my brain back and function again to go on disability, so why would I try to access that now? I've done two cons and know what I can cope with (lesson learned at A13: I cannot stay up drinking until 3.30 in the morning and then get up at 5.45 and expect to feel well at all. I went straight from still drunk to hungover to fatigued-and-nonsensical) and know that I don't need it, not when that boy in the wheelchair does. Not while that man's on crutches. Not while that girl is saying she has arthritis. Live within your means, and remember the convention is for everyone who paid a ticket, and not just you.

/end rant. This is the most I've written all day. Whoops.

Asylum series: an explanation

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger. This is where I make some weak ass excuse. But seriously, I keep thinking that I need to blog and then nothing springs to mind. A little like my main writing, atm. I've been stuck on my Destiel.

So, this post actually serves a purpose. Maybe a couple.

I know I promised to continue talking about Asylum, and I will, but not how I was planning before. I know I promised to address something, but I wanted to do it right, and well … I don't know if I can. Because for me, it's tied to a lot of things that took me a long time to deal with and trying to work through the minefields that it concerns is just … it's beyond me. So I'm not going to be writing about that. But I do plan on summarising the awesomeness that was Asylum 13, and I will also talk about the impending asylum 14, which Sarah-Jane will be coming to as well!

But for now I'm tired because there's been a few stresses at work and I've been on the go for a while now and I just need to chill out a little. But I'll be back soon, promise!

I want out

People can suck so much.

How much do you have to beat yourself up to meet their requirements when they still shit all over you?

It seems like such a minor thing, but it stems from something much bigger.

Ugh.


BTW, when I say people, I exclusively mean my brothers. Want nothing more to do with either of them.

I will blog properly soon. I only just remembered the other day that I owe Sarah-Jane a blog post about a necklace, and another about fan fiction for two of her separate blogs, so I promise to get right on with them!

Genre

I'm still struggling to write the first draft of book four of Uprooted. I think I know what it is, I need to research the American school system more, to know when stuff like college applications happen, so I can plot that in. Plus, this is the book where things change drastically for one of my main characters and I'm terrified of doing it wrong. I feel like I've been ham-fisted with a lot of things.

Meanwhile, I'm getting more requests for the risqué stuff I've been writing. I seem to do okay with it. It makes me wonder … am I writing in the wrong genre, aiming for YA? Or can I be like Rowling, and have more than one genre (and just go by a pseudonym because erotica and YA should not be compatible). I don't know. I feel like the emergence of this serendipitous revelation that I'm good at filth is making me question my true abilities. I enjoy writing it too, which is bizarre, because I never thought I would, and because I don't in "real life".

I'm whining, I know. I'm procrastinating. Like I was when doing GISHWHES. Like I do with a lot of things.

I just have a shit tonne of ideas and no real time to write them in.

In other news, today is the last day of my Yearly tracker. I have to finish totalling todays writing when I finish today's writing, but I had the intention of writing 150,000 words this year. Currently, the total is 468,189, plus I have two paragraphs to add in, and others to write because I'm not done yet tonight. Let's round up to 469,000.

Next year's tracker may have to have a higher target. 300,000?

Climbing a mountain

So, I've said before I'm doing GISHWHES this year, right? We're about halfway through now (just tomorrow and Friday to go!) and I'm loving the challenges, both that I've done and that my teammates (who're just awesome) have done.

I did a big point item yesterday. Worth 147 points. I climbed to the top of Mount Snowdon ( item 26: IMAGE (two images edited side-by-side). Table Mountain, South Africa; Mount Snowdon Wales; Mount Sinai, Egypt; Mt. Fuji, Japan; and Mt. Kilimanjaro, Tanzania are epic peaks. Climb one of them. You must submit two images side by side, one of you in front of the mountain, and the second, with you at the summit, wearing the same clothes, holding up a sign that says: "Everything is easy when you GISHWHES!")

This was a big challenge for me, in a few ways. My family came to North Wales when I was seven, and we were going to attempt the summit. We were going to use the train, but it was too expensive. I was hung-ho for walking it, because I was seven and had no concept of time or distance or effort (I have climbed hills since, like Malvern in Wales and somewhere near the Lake District, and part of Vesuvius) but mum said me and my eight-year-old brother were too small, so we didn't go. I've wanted to do it since then.

I admit, due to health reasons, I got the train this time, which stops a ten minute walk from the summit (so Misha, I did reach the summit on my own! Kinda!) I'm glad I made that decision, my fatigue would never have gotten me to the peak, and nor would my lungs. I'm so disappointed with them. They partially collapsed with the TTP stuff, and I had physio to get them working properly again, and then last year I had chest infections/bronchitis so badly they gave me and inhaler. That's why I only did part of Vesuvius, I got about fifteen minutes from the summit and had a coughing fit so bad I nearly puked. So getting the train lessened the strain, though as soon as I stepped off my chest was tight, my throat felt like it had been sanded raw, and I coughed a lot. But I freaking did it. I got the pictures. I got our points. I completed a 22-year-old wish. I didn't see dragons, but you can't have everything.

So, thank you Misha, for putting that item in there, and completing a childhood wish. I'm sorry my health stopped me going along the walking route (though I did the very bottom for one of the pictures) but I reached the summit, one way or another. And that's what counts, right? You said climb and well, the train helped me do that (if I was wheelchair bound, I wouldn't worry this much! Although, I would never have reached the tiny summit! steep, wonky steps up to a compass point!)

You could see the isle of man from that vantage point. If it wasn't so cloudy, you could have seen Ireland. I don't think my pictures do justice for the scale of how steep and high it was!