Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 20

Chapter twenty makes me a little bit happy. I was cheering so hard for Billy in this chapter, but if you're in any way sympathetic to Sophie, like a lot of reviewers were, then he might seem like a major dickwad. You'll see what I mean by the end of this post.

The chapter starts with Sophie talking about the next phase of filming, which are 'the first in a long line of love scenes' so hey, guess what the overriding theme of this chapter is? It's all getting pissy because Billy has to snog someone else! I think reality just slapped Sophie in the face, but to help it along - Sophie, do you realise that the house and the flash car and the nice clothes and yummy food and eons of free time are all due to him getting paid to make out with other girls and he is essentially a legal rent boy? - I'd like to think I'm putting some good out into the world, there. Or you know, keeping her morals in line.

So, Sophie spots the call sheet which has been left in Billy's dressing room for the next day, so thanks for catching up to the rest of us in correct terminology. Billy notices her sighing, which makes me think she's sat there doing it over and over again for effect, and he comes over to look. He realises exactly why she's sighing, so cue an emo-loaded conversation. It starts as eloquently as ever:

"Ah ..." he says, rubbing the sides of my arms.
"Ah, indeed," I nod, turning to face him.
"I know I've said that I want you there, but I'm not going to force you to sit and watch it if you're not comfortable."
"Well, it's not going to be the most wonderful day of my existence, that's for sure."

Because, even though this is Billy's job for which he gets an obscene amount of money? This is all about Sophie's feelings. I actually really like Billy in this conversation, because she's her typical neurotic self, and he's taking the time to sympathise, but to also give his side of how it feels. Sorry to shove so much quotage at you in such a short space of time, but:

"Mine neither. I'm pretty nervous about it," he says, fiddling with my hands.
"Why?"
"Despite what you might think, it's not something I'm used to."

That was actually really sweet to me. Like, he's saying he's insecure about what he has to do, and he's afraid of how it will come across and is he even a good enough actor to pull it off? And Sophie seems to realise that Billy has feelings at the same time as he says this. I can't even, guys. They're in a relationship, but it's only now that she considers Billy's thoughts and feelings? Wow. Maybe this is why I'm single.

They emo some more about whether or not Sophie should be there when Billy's having to shoot these love scenes. I can't even believe it's up for debate with everything that's been in the book so far. She should not be there, she can't take it and Billy's a melt if he thinks for a second it's a good idea. But since in this whole scenario I'm the only one with common sense, of course she's going.

Oh, and there's a line that makes me really mad. Billy starts raving about how he doesn't know how he'd cope in Sophie's position. Which is what, exactly? That makes me think he is doing the dirty on her at work. She makes a cute little joke about how she doesn't plan on rolling around in bed half-naked with another guy any time soon and I die inside. Bitch, you're confusing your reality for his work AGAIN. Why did Giovanna word-replace Tom's job for 'actor'? Because this shit is driving me to the mental hospital at the end of my road, for sure (true story, I live near a facility). But anyway, they agree Sophie is going to be there ... hell, just look at what they say:

"I'll come and watch ... I want to support you and be there for you. I'm trying my best not to turn this into some weird thing between us."
"I know you are, and I admire you for that," he says, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.

That's some bad foreshadowing. This is Sophie, this will turn into something weird between them. And like fuck she's thinking of supporting him. The dialogue is so stilted too, and that kiss-on-the-back-of-the-hand bullshit? The fuck is that?

Anyway, the scene ends in the usual inappropriate manner. Judith - hit list girl number one - knocks on the door calling out about how she's a granny who needs to see Billy naked. Wow.

The next section starts with them walking onto set the next day, and Sophie's emoing like crazy about how she'll deal with this. Rather than hit myself on the head over this bullshit, every time something like this comes up, I'm just going to put cute dog pictures in.

 

Look at the adowable puppies in the basket, n'awwwwwwh!

Sophie describes the set and having watched a LOT of supernatural (like seriously, five and a half seasons in about three weeks) lately, it sounds like every dodgy motel the guys stay in. Except Day-Z, but it's not some sit-com remake created by Gabriel ... I digress.

She then starts saying how the scene they're shooting should be taking place on a closed set to allow the actors some modesty, but she's Billy Buskin's girlfriend, bitch, she can be there if she wants. No, seriously, Billy got permision - from Heidi as well as the director - for Sophie to sit in on a closed set.

 

He'sh sho fluffy and gwumpy! Seriously, it's the cute fluffster or sheer rage. Sophie finally, finally thinks of what it must be like for Heidi, but in that kind of 'well, I checked those boxes of empathy' kind of a way. She gets a paragraph of consideration, and that's it. Actually, she gets half a paragraph of empathy for the fact that her ex's girlfriend will be seeing her tits and then Sophie gets right back to bashing Heidi. Because Heidi's being a sweet girl to the director, but the other actors can just jog on. Maybe, since this is a closed set with only a few of the techies and one other actor, Heidi is finding it difficult to be in the room with Billy and his highly-strung girlfriend and is therefore talking to other, more neutral, people.

 

Needed. Needed so much. I am so Team Heidi right now. And that puppy looks like Text From Dog's friend ... yeah.

We get two more paragraphs on the kind of bitch that Heidi must be based solely on what Sophie has seen, and how Sophie should be intimidated by Heidi's vast beauty but she's not because Heidi has an attitude problem. Oh, Sophie, did you never hear this one:

 

Or, as psychologists would say ... PROJECTION!

So Billy gets dragged straight onto set and Sophie notes the seriousness of his handler, but the moment still gets dragged off point by Billy telling her he loves her. Oh, I get why, he's trying to reassure her that whatever she's about to witness, it's not Billy doing it, it's Stan *pulls fingers together as she drags her hand down in front of her face*. But he winks as well and that really kills the mood for me.

Sophie sits by the monitor, criticising the director for wearing the same clothes for a week as she tries to listen in on the directions he's whispering to Billy and Heidi. She's not happy though, because Billy's arms are crossed and that means he's uncomfortable.

 

I cross my arms in serious situations, it's not a sign that you're uncomfortable, it's a sign that you're holding back on the flippant side of your personality so that you can give the correct respect to the situation. Every action has more than one connotation, bitch.

 

There's a section break just before the action, though I'm not sure why. Maybe Giovanna sucks at transitions? It's also the most cringe-worthy section because ... look, Giovanna, you cannot write erotica. Did you take lessons from E. L. James? Because she's bad. Really bad. Jenny Trout/Abigail Barnette, now there's a great erotica writer (I'm still not into erotica though ... but I love The Boss for the characterisation ... I digress).

So the morning doesn't go smoothly, apparently. Mainly because with their touching, writhing and licking (which actually causes my heart to shrivel up painfully like a prune), they aren't comfortable and appear awkward and clumsy on screen. Sophie's a critic now. But I did note how the first way the morning wasn't going smoothly was because of Sophie's interpretation of the action in front of her, rather than the way Billy and Heidi might be feeling.

It just carries on from there, the Sophie emo and her hurt feelings and the dry description of the real action. I just ... I can't ... here, you read this shit for once:

It's been gut-wrenching to watch, and at times I have had to look away, preferring not to watch as the person I love gets his ear nibbled by this vixen woman, who has her pert boobs on display, or watch him slide his way up her. Surprisingly, I've managed to hold it together. So far.

 

One puppy wasn't enough. And I love Siberian Huskies. Shit, if this gets really bad, we might have to have a clip of the 'I love you' dog.

Apparently the director, Max, isn't happy either, but he's more upset about the lack of chemistry between his two stars. He's trying different tacks, but not the best one, which would be to kick the distracting girlfriend out. We get a really shitty example about how Max is losing it.

"CUT! This isn't working!" screams Max, as he walks towards Billy and Heidi, holding his hands in the air in desperation. "It needs something more. It needs to be sexier. Guys, come on, you're not giving it to me. This is setting the tone for what's to come. Stan is meant to be a sex god, so play with her, use her, tease her. Manipulate her body like you're the master of it. Megan is gagging for it. She wants him and she wants him now. She's got to show him what she's got, entice him with her body. They're wild. Wild! You're both too in your heads, it needs to be all about the physical,"

He goes on some more, but I'm leaving it there. I have never read a more dispassionate rant before. I write them dude! Shall we look through my writing for one of the times Carter goes off on one (it's always Carter, crazy boy), when he was talking to Thomas in the first story, which is on my other blog:

'Anyway, it shouldn't matter, Car. You want her and she wants you, it should be that simple.'
'It's not that simple for you, is it?' I challenged him, pissed off that he was being so damn flippant about it.
'Nice try, Carter.'
'I'm just saying, you're saying all this crap about how nothing else matters, but if it was that simple, you and your boyfriend would just come out with it. And you don't, you hide behind all these stupid excuses and then think you can dole out all this hippie advice. Maybe I don't wanna hear it.'
'My situation is nothing like yours. I'm just trying to give you a little perspective.'

Just a few points I want to make - Carter let Thomas talk back, to put in valid arguments he could spring off of. Yeah, it doesn't seem like Thomas is saying much, but he's actually pointing out that Carter can't turn around and lay his problems at Thomas' feet, he has to man up and deal with his situation. And Carter then turns around and tells him exactly, and concisely, why he thinks that's complete horseshit. Which is how most people do rants. They need to feed off other people's reactions, but all we get in this is some kind of dictator. A good director would try to get into Billy and Heidi's heads, find out what's making this scene so difficult for them.

Also, the language Sophie used seems more like a how-to book rather than dialogue. I know it's not correct grammar, but speech is different, and sticking to the rules leads to awkward dialogues and monologues. Like, further down my scene, Thomas takes the chance to rant himself. He's a lot more uptight that Carter (which is saying something) so you'd think it'd work better with Sophie's scenario, but:

'This is why I knew you wouldn't get it, Carter. Let go of the past sometime, maybe?'
'Let go of the past? Are you for freaking real? Why not make a pass at Matt, I used to love the atomic wedgies, you could see why he called them his speciality.'
'Carter-'
'Or hey, Brett or Noah! Swirly kings.'
'I get it, okay? And no, I didn't enjoy having my head stuffed down a flushing toilet either, but that doesn't mean I'm going to use the vitriol against them forever after. People change, Carter. It can be as simple as that.'
I didn't bother answering that.
'And Ashley has changed, just try talking to him once. Or not, if you're really still offended that he did shut us in lockers. I mean, you never tried to exact revenge or anything, did you? Never did anything wrong in middle school, never fought back, just kept being targeted by the big bad jocks.'
'You're right, people do change, because right now you're acting like a dick.'

Sorry for the big quotage of my own work. But there's one more point I want to make in that scene - there's a break in the rantage where there isn't a spoken reaction from Carter. It's written in first-person, so it's how Carter views the situation. The break is for an internal reaction. Go back and read that director rant, and tell me where we see Billy or Heidi, or even Sophie reacting. The bit I broke off on? It's where the director pounds his fist in his hand and then carries on talking. It took until that point for her to break.

My point is, it's so fricking unrealistic. And now I need to do this:

 

I used to be all about Dalmatians.

Anyway, back on point. So Billy and Heidi trade a look as the director makes suggestions like 'could you suck on her nipple or something' and my God, I have to fan myself pretty briskly, I'm so turned on. Sophie interprets this look as them recognising the request 'as ridiculous'. Personally, I think they're silently communicating whether or not they could do it effectively, and then agreeing to just try it.

Sophie's emo is threatening to kill me. I hate her so, so much.

I know in Billy's earlier scenes I've been highly sensitive to the smallest glances from one of the girls, but this is bordering on the insane. It's too much to ask these two people, who are actors, to do. They play characters, yes, but their bodies are their own.

Then they should go on fucking radio. Since you know, acting on TV and films is a visual, physical thing and that includes bodies. But Sophie thinks millions would agree with her. I must be one in a million.

The director keeps trying to talk them around, still without getting their feedback to best speed up the process, and then they finally start trying to act again. And there's a really telling bit to me next:

"It's fine by me," huffs Heidi, as she gets back into her starting position on the bed, pushing her hair over her shoulders, sticking out her breasts.

Now, we're meant to think with that last action that Heidi is a whore, but it's the context of what she says and why that intrigues me. She's obviously trying to get the chemistry going, she's comfortable in her role in Billy's life and how Sophie fits in, and she just wants to get the scene done. She's getting frustrated that she's making the effort and it's still not going anywhere. So what does that equate to? Billy. Billy's the one fudging the scene, because Sophie's so in his fucking head that every time he does what he's scripted to do, he second guesses himself because of Sophie. He should have flat out told her to fuck off on this shoot. I bet it looks a little something like this so far:

 

lol, the episode where they enter an alternate reality where they're actors on a show called Supernatural ... I love parody. Dean's so wooden and Sam has no idea what he's doing ... muchlols.

Anyway, so Billy hesitates, looking on the floor, trying to blank out Sophie, and then he agrees. And Sophie steals my fucking line.

"We can try that," I hear him mutter.
Something in me dies.

I think she's joined me in hell. Except, mine is worse, because I'm making myself go through this and I don't have to. Wait, no, shit, it's the exact same set up for her. Okay, it's worse for me because she is STILL MAKING THIS ABOUT HER:

I look around helplessly as they start to film the shot again, not able to believe that I'm actually about to witness this.
No one notices me.
Everyone is wrapped up in the scene, all busy doing their jobs.

 

Do you know when, on a film set, it's a problem to be ignored? WHEN YOU'RE THE FUCKING DIRECTOR!

/rage. We get some indepth shit about what Billy's doing to Heidi, and I call incorrect, it's what Stan is doing to Megan. You have to learn to characterise. I'm glazing over it, because it's yet more dryrotica and I don't want to chafe. So anyway, in the dryrotica, Billy starts sucking Heidi's tit, and then a wailing sound makes them call cut.

Oh, hush, you saw it as soon as they read the call sheet in the first paragraph. She totally Bella's it though.

On the monitor, Billy looks up in shock, as confusion and anger flicker across his face. People start looking in my direction, which is when I realise the sound is coming from me. I cover my mouth to stop it, frozen to the spot as everyone glares in my direction.
In shock, I run from the room.

On the plus side, Sophie, everyone paid attention to you then. Billy's hot on her heels as she heads for his trailer, although personally I think he should get the scene done first and then appease her psychobitchness. He immediately turns into my hero though, asking her just what in the fuck she was doing. And I can't stomach the response.

"That's the same question I've been asking myself, Billy, 'what was that?' " I ask, flinging my arm in the direction of the studio. "Don't worry, I'm going - so you can carry on without interruption from your stupid girlfriend," I blurt, getting my coat and bag from the sofa.

 

I don't have to rant about why Sophie is stupid, do I? We all know why it's completely obtuse of her to be so up in arms about a scene an actor has to do. He's done all the prep he can to make sure she knows this is kosher, but she still clings to this idea that should Billy do something for work, he's emotionally involved. Does she actually think he's that terrible an actor? But Billy stays on point of awesome.

"What do you want me to do? I can't just ignore the director. Do you want me to quit? Is that it?" Billy shouts. "Do you want me to just walk away because you feel uncomfortable?"

Apart from the fact that there's no caps or exclamations, so it's hard to buy that Billy is yelling ... beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. See my above comments on ranting, because at least Billy gets it. Sophie acts like it's abominable that Billy could think she was in the wrong. Fucking Mary Sue. Billy's not done yet ... it's like a Dean Winchester Is Self-Righteous But Also Right rant, and those always get me in the girl bits.

"I have done everything I can to make you feel welcome. I have spent hours talking you through every little detail, making sure you feel included and a part of this whole thing."
"I know ..."
"Hours when I should've been getting to know everyone so that it's not awkward when we're on set together."
"I've never said you couldn't spend time with them."
"No, you haven't, but any time I do spend with them you make me feel bad about it. I can feel you seething, bubbling away the minute one of the girls comes over to me."
"I don't do that."
"Any girl I chat to, straight away you're saying they fancy me - making everything awkward because I don't want you to think I'm egging them on in some way."
"I've never stopped you talking to anyone ..."
"But you have! Can't you see that?"

I just ... it's the best scene in the book. The best bit. Guys, this is great writing, Giovanna can do arguments well. Why is she shying away from her actual talent?

Do you know what I think it is? And it's sad, but I think these were editors notes. These are the questions the editor brought up 'wouldn't Billy question Sophie, wouldn't he feel like Sophie is stopping him from bonding with his workmates and making him feel under pressure?' and Giovanna took the notes and turned it into this. But Sophie still has to be Right and Billy still has to be Wrong. Like a little bit later in the same argument:

"Overly sensitive? Billy, you had another woman's nipple in your mouth!"
"And?"
"And?" I scream back at him, unable to see how he can't comprehend where that might be a problem. "Your ex-girlfriend's nipple? Do you really not see what's wrong with that?"
"It's work!"
"It's disgusting!"

This is the bit where a lot of reviewers have said Billy is a jerk, but I don't agree. He's been so patient about this, he told her what the role meant, shared with her his worries about working with Heidi, prepped her for the work so that she knew he was doing it per script, and not because he got his rocks off that way. And yet she still makes it personal, she still applies reality to the fiction and makes it far creepier than it is. And I'm sorry, this isn't about women's rights. If Sophie was up in arms about how both Heidi and Billy were being exploited and the film industry was depraved I would back her one hundred percent. But it's about his previous connection to her co-star. Sophie is crossing a line.

After all he's done, the work he's put into her ...

"You could've thought how that might affect me and realize that asking someone to do something like that is far from normal, it's sick, and you're stupid for going along without questioning it. For just doing it because the director told you to. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"
"But I was acting. That's what I do."
"Then you're pathetic," I spit.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I fucking hate Sophie. Puppies aren't going to cut it this time.

 

 

 

Better.

So Sophie stalks out of the trailer and off the lot. And she takes the cake by looking behind her about five seconds later and being affronted when Billy doesn't follow her out. Her phone starts ringing and she thinks maybe that's Billy, but it's not, it's Molly. For once, she decides to end the call and not complain to Molly, but not for any good reason. She doesn't want to hear Molly say 'I told you so'. But Sophie is still in the right, honest!

She then starts emoing about whether she's to blame or not, and was she really so paranoid and giving the other girls a hard time? And I'm sat here thinking 'do you read over what you write?' because clearly not, I've been saying about this shit since what, chapter four?

Holly then appears, you know, the bitch who flirts with Billy because nothing phases her? And she says how she heard what happened from Judith, so Sophie's done great making herself the topic of gossip - I thought this was a major problem for Sophie? - but Sophie doesn't seem to think anything of it, she just tells Holly she's not fine but smiles. I'm pretty sure she's full-on crazy. Holly tries to empathise and sympathise and Sophie eats that shit up. Holly then tells Sophie how much Billy loves her -

You know what, I'm getting on my soapbox about this. She is telling-not-showing this apparent love as much as Meyer does. All I hear about this great love is what other characters tell Sophie exists. All I see when they interact is two near-strangers trying to convince themselves they're in something big. I have a real problem with the word love being banded about. I've almost written two full novels, and not one character has sincerely turned to another character and professed their love to them. They may have said it in a different context, like say, when Lamb got Carter something he wanted for his birthday, he may have said it the way I do over my friend Cat letting me talk her ear off about Supernatural (her fiance is making her watch. Catty, marry him!). The adults in the story might say they love each other, the ones who are married. But the teenagers? No. Because you know what? Love is a big deal. A huge deal. And these eejits have been declaring it to each other through others since chapter four. But you know what? You know fucking what? When my characters finally talk of love ... they're damn well going to have expressed it enough to back it up. And for those who have read, Foster hasn't even said it to Abbi, and they're my high school sweethearts in the story. They're for life, and it's almost a year into the story and they haven't said it, in what's been written and in my head. And they won't for a while.

Fuck anyone who says love this soon into a relationship. I hate you all. You're shallow and superficial and don't know true love.

Urgh, I hate Holly's peptalk. She's gone from being competition to being Sophie's moral crutch, since she wouldn't pick up on Molly.

"I reckon that might be why Heidi has been such a sourpuss from day one."
"Do you think?"
"Definitely. Think about it, she's working with an ex ... what's worse than working with an ex? Working with an ex who doesn't want you."

Shut your mouth Holly, Sophie's entire problem is that she thinks Billy does want her, because she has no self-esteem and must build her ego with sycophants like you.

Holly says maybe Billy can't admit he's wrong until he's done the scene and I'm gobsmacked that a professional actress would take that side. Holly invites Sophie back on the set, but Sophie says no. Holly says, just to get a ride home? Sophie says no. Holly gets the message, and says she'll ask Billy's gopher to send a car outside the lot where she is so that she can go home. Sophie agrees, and her latest minion runs away to do her bidding.

Hi, I'm Holly. Sophie is Gru.

That's the end of the chapter. I need a drink.

It's times like this I hate TTP the most.

So, if you don't know me personally by now, you may have picked up in these blog posts the type of person I am. I may not be beautiful, or particularly feminine, or the nicest person on the planet. But I think a lot, and I have a lot of determination, and useless general knowledge, and I'm kinda principled even if those principles may not seem cohesive. Like, why would I bitch in my recaps about Sophie ditching work to be little better than a socialite when I also bitch about my work? The main issue there being I bitch a lot (no, really!) and also, I wouldn't act without another plan.

What's my point right? Don't worry, I'm not having a self-esteem issue and doing a public motivational speech to myself, at least, not in that sense.

I got sent home from work today. I've never had that, not in the 8 years I've worked there. I was feeling hot, and dizzy, and nauseous, and disoriented. I was in a position where I had to communicate with a lot of people at once ... that's kind of hard to cope with. Still, I didn't feel good about leaving, even if I knew that's what I needed.

That's my conflict right now. Has been for a while actually. The more I find out about my illness, the more research that's done as time goes by ... I'm in the wrong place. But I'm not. Like, for the person I am, this job makes sense. It's physically and mentally demanding and there's always a challenge. I have to think on my feet, and own my mistakes. I eat that shit up. But every so often - and I think now is one of those times, and my boss called it too when he sent me home - it's like I hit a TTP wall. Like, my body is saying, "you can't do this anymore, you can't be you all the time anymore, you have to stop." And then my mind races but there's nothing there and I'm tired but I can't sleep, and I'm rushing but it's like running through quicksand. There's recent research from Arkansas that says TTP is just the start of needing long-term care. Five years ago, my doctors told me it wasn't a genetic thing, but the money we raised on the bridgathon is being put towards a genetic tracer thing.

Basically ... I think I might have to give up being a manager so I can get access to better hours. But the notion of a demotion makes me sick, like it was all for nothing, or I failed ... I'm not good with either concept. But I can't carry on being so up-and-down with this whole thing.

I really dislike reality right now.

Sioban's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 19

I'm back. I've read this chapter once already, and I want a drink. Like, bad. It's Billy's first day on the set of the film so of course there's plenty of time for Sophie Emo. I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be like, Giovanna's interpretation of the time Tom did that one music video/meet'n'greet/interaction with any other girl not related to him. I feel like I'm getting more and more cynical the more I read about Sophie and Billy. Sad times.

The chapter starts with Sophie blabbing on about Billy being in rehearsals. She's clearly not been allowed in there, and it's blatantly eating her up inside. I have never seen a more obvious bunny boiler outside of a horror story:

I don't ask too many questions when he first comes through the door (I don't want him to know I'm trying to size up the situation), but when we're sitting down for dinner a little later I try to delicately ask a few questions about the cast. Trying to prise information out of him without making it known that I'm worried the girls are maneaters, ready to pounce on my man at the first opportunity they're given.

Guys, I didn't write that. Those words are in the book, verbatim. If I was seeing someone like that, I would be scared to go to sleep. They've been dating for a few months at best. It's frighteningly co-dependent. The next sentence makes it even creepier:

"So, what's everybody like?" I ask innocently, twirling my spaghetti round my fork.

Mm-hmm, she's all nonchalant while she plans how best to skin the bitches alive, I'm sure. Billy doesn't get that she's being blatantly two-faced and chats like she actually gives a rats ass that he makes friends easily. He blabs on about wanting to learn something on the guitar once they've finished filming and sounds more like Tom than ever. Sophie takes the opportunity to wax lyrical about Billy's many talents, and it sounds a lot like Giovanna is back to fapping over her husband publicly again.

Sophie eventually goes back to digging for information about the other girls on set, because she didn't give a flying fuck about the rest of the band cast, and Billy immediately asks about the extras who are cast as groupies, rather than you know, the ex-girlfriend who's playing opposite him. Maybe he's more switched on to her bunny boiling ways than I first thought, but not enough to save him. Sophie forces him to tell her all their names and he blanks on two. Clue Sophie - these are the two he's potentially fucking. I hate this conversation so much:

" ... this way, when we get on set we'll just be able to bask out scenes easily rather than having to be wary of upsetting each other."
"Right ..."
"They're looking forward to meeting you."
"Really? I thought you didn't get a chance to speak much?"
"We didn't, but you're always on my mind," he says, with a laugh and a wink.
It's good to know Billy's been talking about me, that I'm not banished from his mind the moment he steps into a room full of girls.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

 

 

She says she wonders if he's lying and it's really because someone's been getting too close for comfort. Oh, Giovanna, with your placing Mcfly song titles in your published fanfic!

So, it turns out the ex-girlfriend is being off, not just with Billy but with everyone. And instead of sympathising that the girl must be going through some shit that she's not talking to anyone about and being friendly despite that, they bitch about how difficult she's making it for everyone else. And even worse, Sophie says how happy she is that there's a barrier between them, so they don't reminisce about the old days and end up in bed together, or some shit. God, I hate Sophie.

There's a section break, that cuts to the first day and we get a laundry list of turning up on the set of the film, complete with slobby clothes and sleeping in the pickup car that came at five. It takes two pages for Billy's bitch the Second Assistant Director to show up and introduce himself and make the point that he's there to lick Billy's shoes. But I am grateful just to get away from Sophie's whinefest for two seconds. Even if it does delve into the slightly homoerotic:

"He does an awful job," mocks Billy.
"Oi!" laughs Stephen as he playfully punches Billy in the arm.
"See? If I'm bruised the make-up ladies are going to be so mad at you!"
"You're such a  peach."

The fuck does anyone care about the makeup ladies? I'd be pissed if someone bruised me. Start with number one. Also, the peach thing, is so fucking gay. The whole damn thing is gay, they get a huge breakfast, and sit on the sofa watching TV. I know that happens in real life, but in a book, if you dedicate half a page, you're going to make your readers want to tear their eyes out. Just because Meyer won the fucking lottery doing douchebag moves like that it doesn't mean anyone else is going to score the same way.

Billy goes off to make up with more homoerotic innuendo, and Sophie carries on watching shit TV until someone comes up to Billy's trailer singing his name. The whore. When she gets into the trailer, and sees Sophie sitting there, the girl gets confused and Sophie gets pissy. I mean, how dare she be so happy to see Billy, and all? Sophie introduces herself and the girl is like 'riiiiight, Billy's girlfriend!' and seems just like those actresses in the stage play to me. Brilliant characterisation there, Giovanna. The girl introduces herself as Holly just before Billy comes back, and then they start flirting, in front of Sophie. Although, I'm not buying that interpretation, since Sophie's view is clearly skewed by the steam coming out of her pot.

They blab for ages, I'm bored. As soon as Holly goes, Sophie turns on her 'should I kill this woman' setting and asks all about Holly, in the context of 'so how well do you know her?' and I am so Goddamn tired of this bint now. She also starts talking like an asshole, because no twenty-six year old on the planet would have dialogue like this:

"You seem quite close."
"Not really, I probably speak to her a bit more than the other girls, that's all. They get a bit funny about just coming over and talking to me, whereas Holly doesn't seem fazed by anything."
"I think she might have a bit of a thing for you."
"Nah! Don't be daft," he says, as he takes his shoes off and sits back down on the sofa beside me.
"She seems quite smitten."

Oh my fucking God, get over yourself already! I hate this bitch's insecurities. And who talks like that, who? It should be more like:

"You seem close?"
"What, me and Holly? Yeah, I guess. She doesn't seem as scared to come talk to me as the other girls on set. I don't think nothing scares her."
"I think she fancies you."
"Don't be an idiot, and anyway, I'm with you aren't I?"
"She acts like she wants you."
"Well, I want you, but I don't have a fucking clue why right now."

I nail dialogue.

So we get someone else banging on the door before Sophie can go completely Glenn Close, and it's the bird who gets to put clothes on Billy. Well done for forcing yourself to the top of Sophie's hit list, Judith, even if your name implies you're old enough to be his mother. I mean, Daniel Radcliffe lost it to a fifty-year-old, right? That sort of shit happens.

I want to show you some accidentally funny dialogue now. It's Judith blabbing in her intro speech as she spots Sophie. I almost smiled at it:

" Ah, yes, someone said you had company," she says, looking at me. "That's a good idea. There's so much waiting around on these jobs. It can get quite lethargic."

So perk yourself up with a quickie! Billy asks for her name again after about five seconds, just so we know that Judith is dead girl number one, and then we get the section break. The next part is of them going on set, and Giovanna tries to describe it ... look, I've been to the Harry Potter studio tour. Twice. I know what to expect, and it's far more fascinating that the way it's being described here. I will spare you most of the shit, except for this little nugget:

Bizarrely, it's colder than I thought it would be, in both temperature and atmosphere.

Muchlols. It's a huge warehouse, they're not going to have space heaters all over set, they haven't got a huge load of ovens ... when my McDonald's loses power, the temperature drops quick because we rely on the 300 degrees C equipment we have for heat.

After a couple of paragraphs about the actual set, we get another entire paragraph about how everyone's drinking tea. Changed my life, that whole section. Sophie then starts describing the scene being shot that day, and I swear it's like she's never been in a club or seen a sixties documentary in her lifetime.

With nearly all of the actors in it, it's meant to be full of energy and excitement, like one big wild party. From what I can see of the set from where we're stood, the club has red leather sofas lining the mirrored walls with matching stools at the while bar, and black-and-white tiles patterning the floor. It sounds as though it should all look gorgeous, but it actually looks like it could do with a wash: the floor has been streaked with dirt and the furniture has been battered and worn in, making it all appear dark and grimy, adding to the rock and roll vibe the designers have been creating.

Maybe it's because Giovanna's only really ever been backstage at Hammersmith or Wembley? I don't know. Or that's how she felt about The Boat That Rocked. I'd hate to see her at the Underworld.

Sophie gets told - by Billy - not to go wandering into shot, although how people manage that when there's you know, giant cameras and white spots everywhere is beyond me. And then Billy's ex-girlfriend shows up, and Sophie spends forever having an orgasm over this girl. Absolutely nothing happens, so Sophie asks if that means she's still being 'off' and Billy says yes. He hasn't even fucking talked to her! But then the director calls for attention, and we get more shit about tea.

There's a section break, in which we hear even more about how boring film sets are and how in the way Sophie is but Goddammit, she is not going back to the trailer, because Billy is flirting with everyone and she wants to keep an eye on him.

I have a major issue with this. I mean, I've moaned and complained about how much of a bunny boiler Sophie is, but she does make a good point that he shouldn't be so flirty, even if she's a witness to it. There's being friendly, and there's being flirty, and there should be a segregation of the two when you're in a relationship. Billy's being a dick. It's just yet more proof that these two together are a hideous, hideous idea. Sophie's actually pretty introspective about this, admitting that it's part of the reason why she has a problem with other women being near 'her man' but she's not smart enough to speak up for herself or realise that this is going to be a continuous problem. And she immediately goes back on all of it from a few moves of Billy's:

In his defence, Billy has pointed me out to a few of the girls, blowing kisses in my direction in a sickeningly sweet, yet cute, way - so he isn't acting like I don't exist. But what is he like when I'm not around if he's like this when I am?

I don't understand her punctuation usage here by the way. She opened a parenthetical, but didn't close it? Weird. But hey, I guess writing is just vomiting words on a page and hoping to fuck they make sense, right? Punctuation's for pussies.

Ugh, why do these chapters feel like they will never end? Sophie goes back to the trailer in the afternoon as Billy gets a makeup touch up, and she calls her mum to tell her, and us by proxy, about the nothing that is happening on the set. Thanks for the waste of words. You wanna share my torture with me?

"I don't know how you can watch it, love. I wouldn't be able to."
"Billy's asked me to," I say, although now I'm doubting if it's sucj a good idea to watch after all, especially knowing how much it affected me just seeing him interact with the girls earlier.
"You're a stronger woman that me, If I'd had to watch anyone so much as look at your dad in the wrong way I'd have given them what for."

I don't think any women are looking twice at the guy who brings his buddies along on dates. Or if they are, they totally love fat, sweaty guys who are stuck on Star Trek and their X boxes. Anyway, Sophie and her mum start gassing about Colin, the man who pulled Sophie's mum out of depression, and I'm trying real hard with this book. So hard, but it still numbs my brain.

We get an awesome week-long time jump when the phone conversation finishes, and Sophie's back on what Billy thinks of the other girls, and which one he fancies, even if Sophie wasn't there. Billy takes like, two pages to get slightly irritated with all her shit. He makes a half-assed attempt to make her see reality, and then the chapter ends, with these two yahoos still thinking they're meant to be together.

But there's 25% left to go of this book. A quarter left. We can do it ... right?

Random general update

It's random because there won't be much cohesion in the following points:

-I did an overnight last night, 11pm - 8am. I'm back in at five. Apparently, it's not illegal because it's shift work. Although, I may have to ask my friends who work in offices if they're ever kept until 10pm and expected back in at 9am next morning. I'm thinking not.

-I fucking love Supernatural. Looking back, I remember seeing ads for it when it first came on sky living, and I wanted to watch, but we are not a sky living household. We're a 'CI or TLC if there's nothing on the main channels and the boy has gone to bed' household. Seriously, murderous women and cake boss, Supernatural doesn't quite fit in. Anyway, I'm grateful to Mervin, Cat and Ama for mentioning it lots lately and convincing me to try it. So worth it. I've just watched season three in three days (only fifteen episodes, but during overnights, so potentially impressive, right?) only five more until I'm all caught up, ready for when season nine starts up. Dean Winchester is like, my ideal husband. Awesome car (60's Chevy?!), great taste in music, my sort of humour, drop dead gorgeous ... Jensen Ackles isn't half bad either lol.

-I bought this new punk rock album the other day. Most of my favourites are on it. Awesome album. Although, now I have smash mouth in my head ... It was 'Carry on my wayward son' for some reason yesterday ...

-I want chocolate.

-I can't sleep. I probably will drop off ... Just before I'm due to wake up. Tonight is going to suck.

-I take it back, what I said in a post a few days ago. Doing the bridgathon with my mamma. Need to make up my just giving page, right?

Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, chapter 18

Wow. So I just looked at the word count/page count on my word document where I write this ... I have written 30,000 more words about Giovanna's first book than I've written on my second book. About 50 more pages. That's a little frightening.

So, chapter 18 *cracks knuckles* oy. It starts off with Billy telling Sophie she has to read his new script. Me being me, I guessed it was because he was showing off. But no, apparently, he wanted her to read it 'in context' so there were 'no surprises' when it came to the crunch, unlike with his stage play. Apparently, simulating oral sex can be a good surprise for your new girlfriend, but anything more, even from multi-camera where the physicalities are different to get the right angles ... yeah, that shit needs the Bunny Boiler to look it over. And probably veto anything where Billy wears less than a tee and shorts.

I hate this scene so much. Why can't Billy have the balls to stand up and say 'look, this is my job, and it's not like I can just throw coffee over the director if I don't like what he says to me, like you apparently can do in your job. Suck it, bitch.' No, no, he has to appease her. Dude is WHIPPED.

The dialogue still sucks by the way:

"I'm sorry. Just remember it's an amazing script with a brilliant director, who will film it in an artsy way. It's going to look more classy and less like porn."

"What?"

"Argh! See? I'm not good at explaining it," he moans, covering his eyes with his hands. "I just want you to think of it as more of a mechanical thing, rather than something with feelings involved. Just read it, please?"

I repeat. Whipped.

And I hate this thought about actors, that they can't separate their work lives from their real lives. That in day-to-day interactions they must be putting on an act with everyone, yet when it comes to filming or stage work, their true emotions get involved. It's not like doctors, who overanalyse everyone they know because their work is so intense and full on it's hard to get away from it. She's propagating a stereotype and I fucking hate that. Both my sisters got really into acting - one of them even tried out for Italia Conti - and I've never felt they were confusing a script with reality. Likewise, when I write a story, I'm not thinking 'gee, am I writing Crystal and Chloe into Fiesta at all?' because you know what? Only a fucking HACK would do that sort of shit. You can draw on real life, but only in an abstract way.

And Billy grew up acting. He should know this. It should not be a concern and if it is, then he is clearly with the wrong person. If he really thinks he's going to be fucking his co-worker, then his current relationship isn't working out and should be over. Likewise, if she can't trust him to do his job and not confuse fiction with reality then she should get out of dodge. It's so fucking immature.

I really need to de-rage. It's kinda hard with this book.

Anyway, so Sophie grudgingly agrees to read the script. Big reader, my left arse cheek. She should've read that script the second it came through the door, with squeals of 'free, unbound book!' like a certain loser I can think of would do (oh, hush, I used to re-read shampoo bottles in the bathroom if I couldn't remember to take a book in the toilet with me. She has freakin' gold in her house and only reads it with permission? I also once ignored my then-boyfriend when I went to his house so I could read my way through the few books he owned ... I do not buy this bullshit) and even worse, she sends Billy away so she can read without him watching her read. Again, a reader? Honey, you should already be in the pit, smelling the stale smell of sweat, beer and fags, uncomfortable and hot but bubbling inside with the anticipation of the band about to perform ... but no, you stay on the couch and focus on posing for your famous boyfriend.

I am still on this 'she's-not-a-reader' bit for the next couple of paragraphs, because she's still talking out of her arse:

I don't have to read very far into the script to find the first 'love' scene, in fact the film opens with one, and it makes me want to vomit.

She's definitely an A. Takes one to yadda, yadda, yadda. And I want to pause for a second. She can just read this script like a film? Really? I mean, it barely has any directions in it, it reads exactly like her fucking newspaper articles. Shall we google some script images?

 

No idea with what film that is, but notice the formatting? Also, on the day, what do actors work from?

 

A call sheet (hey, this one was Roswell, I loved the shit out of that show). Notice how much of either of those is actually scripted words? And how much is exposition on where the characters are positioned (which is actually blocking, which isn't always on the script, as we saw above)? And what does Giovanna write as the script? Well ...

APRIL, 1971, LONDON, ENGLAND

INT. STAN'S HOTEL ROOM

The door of a hotel room bashes open, in wades STAN BAR - A DANGEROUSLY SEXY ROCK STAR IN HIS LATE TWENTIES - with a woman - MEGAN REACH, EARLY TWENTIES - wrapped around his waist. He carries her into the room and slams the door behind them in haste. The pair grab at each other longingly, exploring each other's mouths, writing around in excitement.

Hey, fun fact, Giovanna's IMDB page lists her work on The Boat That Rocked, which is ... a film about a boat where a pirate radio played rock music, and rock stars hung out. Gee, I wonder where this shit came from. And really, is she throwing some kind of artistic licence into actual scripting? The above on its own? Acceptable stage direction. The next paragraph? It just described the 'writhing around in excitement' in exact detail.

So ... Sophie's definitely an A. Or at least a Gray:

I clench my jaw as I read through the rest of the script, each rub, lick, kiss and grind resonating through my brain, giving me a headache. I place it on the coffee table in front of me, resisting the urge to chuck it across the room, and grab the cushion next to me for comfort, hugging it to me tightly.

Oh, hey dangling participle, do you know what you just did? You just made Sophie put her headache on the coffee table, and want to chuck her headache across the room. Oh, I know 'it' was meant to reference the script, but intention doesn't mean diddly here, the headache is now a physical entity.

But back on point, why would a sexually-loaded script make her react so physically repulsed? Unless she was in the asexual spectrum, I really can't understand it. I mean, I said before I consider myself a Demi, and I would totally have the same sort of reaction to someone fondling the person I'd manage to commit myself to, because damn that would have taken me a lot to go out with them in the first place; but I'd understand the work aspect, and I can shut down my emotions so why wouldn't my actor boyfriend do the same? She's acting like sex is a dirty thing (which it kind of is) and that she's never done it. I just ... she doesn't make any sense to me. She's fucking repressed, for sure, but you'd think Billy gives it to her every now and again, since they share a bed and all, right? Does she equate sex to intimacy? Is that the problem? I genuinely want answers, because to me, her character is so conflicted.

Like, the next paragraph, she whinges some more about how she hates the 'detailed scenes' (yeah, overly detailed) but then says it's a powerful script and she can understand the draw to someone like Billy. She then describes Almost Famous but calls it this script, minus the learner journalist of course.

Sophie's set to full on whine mode, which I am only dulling by watching my Supernatural DVDs as I type. She's blabbing on about how she's not sure if she should be pleased that Billy let her read or not (I'm thinking yes, because I remember the shit Anna Kendrick landed herself in when she 'accidentally' threw out the scripts to one of the Twilight films and Up In The Air) but she acknowledges that she'd have been shocked on set otherwise. That's all she does, she's not grateful for the knowledge, or worried about having to watch, or even trying to schedule it so she misses that day due to her poor constitution and lack of smelling salts. She just makes that brief acknowledgement, before emoing about the reality of Billy's job, and how she can't start throwing her weight around now and making demands.

NO, YOU FUCKING CAN'T! IT'S HIS JOB! YOU BARELY COUNT! *breathes* This isn't like trying to talk Tom out of a GQ photo shoot. It's not like asking him to tone down his lyrics. This is a script which he is now contractually obligated to do and he's just being polite and considerate of your crazy ass ways. You cannot make him void his contract just because you're psychotic. It's not an option, don't even begin to speculate that it might be. You know the only person who can make a request? Billy. And maybe his co-star. And even then, they might not get much sway.

Oh but this bitch doesn't get it ... on two points on this one page:

Reading the script, it makes sense that actors usually date other actors. To those outside of the profession, the notion of sending your partner off to work every day where he'll be fondling someone else is just plain barbaric. At least with two actors they each have to do the same thing, sharing some sort of mutual understanding.

 

I know my reaction to this script is pivotal. If I react badly, blow up and go nuts at the stupidity of someone doing scenes like this when they're in a committed relationship, I'll push Billy away and drive a wedge between us. I'll be giving these girls the advantage of things not being rosy at home. Allowing them to wiggle their way through the cracks and come between us.

Did you think I was kidding about the emo angst? And fuck you, it's not barbaric, it's work. And hey, since I'm watching Supernatural, and Dean and Sam just got pinned by a fucking demon who tried to crush their lungs ... barbaric is all relative. And funnylolstory about the word 'barbaric'? When I was in Rome recently, the tour guides tried telling us that 'barbarian' actually was 'blahblahian' and the Romans used it for anyone who talked in a dialect they didn't understand. Which I guess, in the context of Sophie's pissy little rant, actually does make sense, because it seems to be outside of her dialect.

Anyway, why is her reaction so pivotal? If she and Billy had any real relationship, this shouldn't be an issue. I am going to repeat this until this book ends and I am blue in the face. IF THIS WAS A REAL RELATIONSHIP, THEY WOULD BE STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND ANY OF THIS. IF SHE WANTS TO DATE AN ACTOR, A WELL-KNOWN ONE AT THAT, SHE NEEDS TO BE MATURE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH WHATEVER ALREADY EXISTS IN HIS LIFE AND TO FIT IN. THIS RELATIONSHIP SHOULD NOT EXIST BECAUSE SOPHIE FUCKING MAY IS TOO FUCKING IMMATURE FOR THE COMMITMENT THIS SORT OF RELATIONSHIP NEEDS!

And now for the cherry on the shit sundae which is this segment of the chapter:

I have to remain calm and rational, no matter how tempted I am to scream and shout, declaring the whole thing ridiculous. It's only for eight weeks, after all, how hard can that be?

Shove it up your arse.

So the next section is Billy coming through the front door 'puffing in distress' which to me sounds like he just got jumped. Sophie's still making it all about her and how she felt about that fucking script. And ... I'm going to put the passage, because you're going to see a word jump out at you like I did and be like 'are you trying to be meta right now, Giovanna?'

"Paul ..." he says, scratching his head as he screws up his face in angst. "While I was there he found out who'd been cast opposite me in the film."

Yeah, he wasn't nearly beat up, or robbed ... he just found out his co-star, and it's causing him distress.

Oh, and the word of the day was 'angst'. She actually fucking wrote that. About Billy. Muchlols.

So the new co-star is his ex-girlfriend. I would actually be relieved, because someone is an ex for a reason, and it sounds like Billy went into MegaWhore mode after they broke up, so I'm guessing they're very over each other and really, Sophie's worries should be put to rest.

But of course, this is Bad News for Sophie, because he fucked her once, so maybe this will remind them of their glory days and start them fooling around again. They got together through work the first time after all, right? (Isn't Sophie going to BE there? In his trailer, all day every day? Aren't they only going to separate themselves for scenes? When is Billy going to cheat, exactly?) Billy still has to reassure the neurotic mess that is Sophie:

"I know this is going to be really odd, but trust me, it'll all be professional and above board. It's literally a case of putting what where for the camera, anyway."

Although to me, that sounds like this has become an actual porno.

They emo the same shit for two more pages. Mmmmmm, creamy, sickly-sweet filler. The next section, Sophie talks about finding out about Billys ex being his co-star 'makes' her call Molly. Fuck off. You made yourself call your emotional crutch because you're too fucking insecure. Own your shit.

Actually, pause on that thought for a second, because it almost seems like for a nanosecond she does:

I've been so wrapped up in my own torment and misery that I selfishly blocked out how Molly must've been feeling during that time.

So then they start expounding on how shit Sophie's replacement was and how they both suck for trusting her, and how Sally went about betraying everyone, the cow. Oh, and everyone is up in arms because the next article might be about someone cheating about their cooking ... yeah. Quite the scandal, there.

Then Sophie says she's glad the article came out and that Billy knows now and I try not to ragesplode. She's like this guy I work with who will throw tantrums about ANYTHING, cuss all the managers out, act like a brat ... then twenty minutes later come back and say 'I do apologise, I'm so sorry'. Which is the point I basically tell him to go fuck himself (or, you know 'I don't want your empty apologies, I want you to think and act like an adult and maybe not fuck up in the first place? That would be good once in a while. Otherwise, I don't want to hear it') because who wants people like that in their lives?

You know, I don't think Giovanna is actually like this, you know. I think she's trying here to create tension and she's out of realistic options, so she's rehashing the same things over and over. Which is fairly realistic, I have some friends who stick to the same five conversations, but in print, as I've pointed out, it makes Sophie look like a horribly neurotic psychobitch. This should have been a novella.

Ugh, I hate Sophie-and-Molly conversations. They have one word conversations for extra added filler, and it takes So Damn Long to get to the point. And then we have a rehash of the chapter so far with Molly fangirling in between Sophie's blabbering. I'm not kidding, the last few paragraphs in entirety?

"My girl, just remember that it's you he comes home to every night."

"Yes, but is there any point in him coming home if he'd rather be somewhere else? There's so much happening at the moment, opportunities being offered every day - it's all so exciting for him. But for me it's just ..."

"Overwhelming?"
"Yeah. I guess. I've got nothing exciting to give him."
I hear Molly sigh down the phone. "Don't let your doubts get into his head - nothing will push him away faster. That boy loves you, Sophie. You've got to start believing you're good enough."

See? Fangirling. Although, I saw that sigh. Molly's as done with Sophie's shit as I am.

And with that is the end of the chapter, and the end of this blog post, and I am out. Done. See you next time.

Career

So ... once again my friend Cat's work is hiring.

Guess who's reapplied?

Fingers crossed, right? I want a career now, a job I can be proud of, not something teenagers do to make some cash so they can go out/get ready for uni/buy their first car ...

... it's not too much to ask for, is it?

Bridgathon

So, every year, the hospital that treated my TTP have a fundraiser that they call a Bridgathon. It's a six-mile walk across six of the London bridges, and I did it a few years ago with my BFFs. This year is the first year they're officially acknowledging raising funds for TTP research, and I've booked the day off for it from work.

Only problems are? I can't get the registration form up on my laptop properly to fill it in, not without a year's subscription to adobe, which I already have so WTF? And also, thanks UCLH for that difficulty.

Also, I still have this chest infection. And a cold. I feel like shit. I don't think I'm going to be well enough to do it. That completely blows.

Still, if anyone wants to donate, this is the link to sponsor the doctor who's doing it. She's like, the lead researcher in the country, so to me, that's a pretty big deal.