Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, chapter 18

Wow. So I just looked at the word count/page count on my word document where I write this ... I have written 30,000 more words about Giovanna's first book than I've written on my second book. About 50 more pages. That's a little frightening.

So, chapter 18 *cracks knuckles* oy. It starts off with Billy telling Sophie she has to read his new script. Me being me, I guessed it was because he was showing off. But no, apparently, he wanted her to read it 'in context' so there were 'no surprises' when it came to the crunch, unlike with his stage play. Apparently, simulating oral sex can be a good surprise for your new girlfriend, but anything more, even from multi-camera where the physicalities are different to get the right angles ... yeah, that shit needs the Bunny Boiler to look it over. And probably veto anything where Billy wears less than a tee and shorts.

I hate this scene so much. Why can't Billy have the balls to stand up and say 'look, this is my job, and it's not like I can just throw coffee over the director if I don't like what he says to me, like you apparently can do in your job. Suck it, bitch.' No, no, he has to appease her. Dude is WHIPPED.

The dialogue still sucks by the way:

"I'm sorry. Just remember it's an amazing script with a brilliant director, who will film it in an artsy way. It's going to look more classy and less like porn."

"What?"

"Argh! See? I'm not good at explaining it," he moans, covering his eyes with his hands. "I just want you to think of it as more of a mechanical thing, rather than something with feelings involved. Just read it, please?"

I repeat. Whipped.

And I hate this thought about actors, that they can't separate their work lives from their real lives. That in day-to-day interactions they must be putting on an act with everyone, yet when it comes to filming or stage work, their true emotions get involved. It's not like doctors, who overanalyse everyone they know because their work is so intense and full on it's hard to get away from it. She's propagating a stereotype and I fucking hate that. Both my sisters got really into acting - one of them even tried out for Italia Conti - and I've never felt they were confusing a script with reality. Likewise, when I write a story, I'm not thinking 'gee, am I writing Crystal and Chloe into Fiesta at all?' because you know what? Only a fucking HACK would do that sort of shit. You can draw on real life, but only in an abstract way.

And Billy grew up acting. He should know this. It should not be a concern and if it is, then he is clearly with the wrong person. If he really thinks he's going to be fucking his co-worker, then his current relationship isn't working out and should be over. Likewise, if she can't trust him to do his job and not confuse fiction with reality then she should get out of dodge. It's so fucking immature.

I really need to de-rage. It's kinda hard with this book.

Anyway, so Sophie grudgingly agrees to read the script. Big reader, my left arse cheek. She should've read that script the second it came through the door, with squeals of 'free, unbound book!' like a certain loser I can think of would do (oh, hush, I used to re-read shampoo bottles in the bathroom if I couldn't remember to take a book in the toilet with me. She has freakin' gold in her house and only reads it with permission? I also once ignored my then-boyfriend when I went to his house so I could read my way through the few books he owned ... I do not buy this bullshit) and even worse, she sends Billy away so she can read without him watching her read. Again, a reader? Honey, you should already be in the pit, smelling the stale smell of sweat, beer and fags, uncomfortable and hot but bubbling inside with the anticipation of the band about to perform ... but no, you stay on the couch and focus on posing for your famous boyfriend.

I am still on this 'she's-not-a-reader' bit for the next couple of paragraphs, because she's still talking out of her arse:

I don't have to read very far into the script to find the first 'love' scene, in fact the film opens with one, and it makes me want to vomit.

She's definitely an A. Takes one to yadda, yadda, yadda. And I want to pause for a second. She can just read this script like a film? Really? I mean, it barely has any directions in it, it reads exactly like her fucking newspaper articles. Shall we google some script images?

 

No idea with what film that is, but notice the formatting? Also, on the day, what do actors work from?

 

A call sheet (hey, this one was Roswell, I loved the shit out of that show). Notice how much of either of those is actually scripted words? And how much is exposition on where the characters are positioned (which is actually blocking, which isn't always on the script, as we saw above)? And what does Giovanna write as the script? Well ...

APRIL, 1971, LONDON, ENGLAND

INT. STAN'S HOTEL ROOM

The door of a hotel room bashes open, in wades STAN BAR - A DANGEROUSLY SEXY ROCK STAR IN HIS LATE TWENTIES - with a woman - MEGAN REACH, EARLY TWENTIES - wrapped around his waist. He carries her into the room and slams the door behind them in haste. The pair grab at each other longingly, exploring each other's mouths, writing around in excitement.

Hey, fun fact, Giovanna's IMDB page lists her work on The Boat That Rocked, which is ... a film about a boat where a pirate radio played rock music, and rock stars hung out. Gee, I wonder where this shit came from. And really, is she throwing some kind of artistic licence into actual scripting? The above on its own? Acceptable stage direction. The next paragraph? It just described the 'writhing around in excitement' in exact detail.

So ... Sophie's definitely an A. Or at least a Gray:

I clench my jaw as I read through the rest of the script, each rub, lick, kiss and grind resonating through my brain, giving me a headache. I place it on the coffee table in front of me, resisting the urge to chuck it across the room, and grab the cushion next to me for comfort, hugging it to me tightly.

Oh, hey dangling participle, do you know what you just did? You just made Sophie put her headache on the coffee table, and want to chuck her headache across the room. Oh, I know 'it' was meant to reference the script, but intention doesn't mean diddly here, the headache is now a physical entity.

But back on point, why would a sexually-loaded script make her react so physically repulsed? Unless she was in the asexual spectrum, I really can't understand it. I mean, I said before I consider myself a Demi, and I would totally have the same sort of reaction to someone fondling the person I'd manage to commit myself to, because damn that would have taken me a lot to go out with them in the first place; but I'd understand the work aspect, and I can shut down my emotions so why wouldn't my actor boyfriend do the same? She's acting like sex is a dirty thing (which it kind of is) and that she's never done it. I just ... she doesn't make any sense to me. She's fucking repressed, for sure, but you'd think Billy gives it to her every now and again, since they share a bed and all, right? Does she equate sex to intimacy? Is that the problem? I genuinely want answers, because to me, her character is so conflicted.

Like, the next paragraph, she whinges some more about how she hates the 'detailed scenes' (yeah, overly detailed) but then says it's a powerful script and she can understand the draw to someone like Billy. She then describes Almost Famous but calls it this script, minus the learner journalist of course.

Sophie's set to full on whine mode, which I am only dulling by watching my Supernatural DVDs as I type. She's blabbing on about how she's not sure if she should be pleased that Billy let her read or not (I'm thinking yes, because I remember the shit Anna Kendrick landed herself in when she 'accidentally' threw out the scripts to one of the Twilight films and Up In The Air) but she acknowledges that she'd have been shocked on set otherwise. That's all she does, she's not grateful for the knowledge, or worried about having to watch, or even trying to schedule it so she misses that day due to her poor constitution and lack of smelling salts. She just makes that brief acknowledgement, before emoing about the reality of Billy's job, and how she can't start throwing her weight around now and making demands.

NO, YOU FUCKING CAN'T! IT'S HIS JOB! YOU BARELY COUNT! *breathes* This isn't like trying to talk Tom out of a GQ photo shoot. It's not like asking him to tone down his lyrics. This is a script which he is now contractually obligated to do and he's just being polite and considerate of your crazy ass ways. You cannot make him void his contract just because you're psychotic. It's not an option, don't even begin to speculate that it might be. You know the only person who can make a request? Billy. And maybe his co-star. And even then, they might not get much sway.

Oh but this bitch doesn't get it ... on two points on this one page:

Reading the script, it makes sense that actors usually date other actors. To those outside of the profession, the notion of sending your partner off to work every day where he'll be fondling someone else is just plain barbaric. At least with two actors they each have to do the same thing, sharing some sort of mutual understanding.

 

I know my reaction to this script is pivotal. If I react badly, blow up and go nuts at the stupidity of someone doing scenes like this when they're in a committed relationship, I'll push Billy away and drive a wedge between us. I'll be giving these girls the advantage of things not being rosy at home. Allowing them to wiggle their way through the cracks and come between us.

Did you think I was kidding about the emo angst? And fuck you, it's not barbaric, it's work. And hey, since I'm watching Supernatural, and Dean and Sam just got pinned by a fucking demon who tried to crush their lungs ... barbaric is all relative. And funnylolstory about the word 'barbaric'? When I was in Rome recently, the tour guides tried telling us that 'barbarian' actually was 'blahblahian' and the Romans used it for anyone who talked in a dialect they didn't understand. Which I guess, in the context of Sophie's pissy little rant, actually does make sense, because it seems to be outside of her dialect.

Anyway, why is her reaction so pivotal? If she and Billy had any real relationship, this shouldn't be an issue. I am going to repeat this until this book ends and I am blue in the face. IF THIS WAS A REAL RELATIONSHIP, THEY WOULD BE STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND ANY OF THIS. IF SHE WANTS TO DATE AN ACTOR, A WELL-KNOWN ONE AT THAT, SHE NEEDS TO BE MATURE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH WHATEVER ALREADY EXISTS IN HIS LIFE AND TO FIT IN. THIS RELATIONSHIP SHOULD NOT EXIST BECAUSE SOPHIE FUCKING MAY IS TOO FUCKING IMMATURE FOR THE COMMITMENT THIS SORT OF RELATIONSHIP NEEDS!

And now for the cherry on the shit sundae which is this segment of the chapter:

I have to remain calm and rational, no matter how tempted I am to scream and shout, declaring the whole thing ridiculous. It's only for eight weeks, after all, how hard can that be?

Shove it up your arse.

So the next section is Billy coming through the front door 'puffing in distress' which to me sounds like he just got jumped. Sophie's still making it all about her and how she felt about that fucking script. And ... I'm going to put the passage, because you're going to see a word jump out at you like I did and be like 'are you trying to be meta right now, Giovanna?'

"Paul ..." he says, scratching his head as he screws up his face in angst. "While I was there he found out who'd been cast opposite me in the film."

Yeah, he wasn't nearly beat up, or robbed ... he just found out his co-star, and it's causing him distress.

Oh, and the word of the day was 'angst'. She actually fucking wrote that. About Billy. Muchlols.

So the new co-star is his ex-girlfriend. I would actually be relieved, because someone is an ex for a reason, and it sounds like Billy went into MegaWhore mode after they broke up, so I'm guessing they're very over each other and really, Sophie's worries should be put to rest.

But of course, this is Bad News for Sophie, because he fucked her once, so maybe this will remind them of their glory days and start them fooling around again. They got together through work the first time after all, right? (Isn't Sophie going to BE there? In his trailer, all day every day? Aren't they only going to separate themselves for scenes? When is Billy going to cheat, exactly?) Billy still has to reassure the neurotic mess that is Sophie:

"I know this is going to be really odd, but trust me, it'll all be professional and above board. It's literally a case of putting what where for the camera, anyway."

Although to me, that sounds like this has become an actual porno.

They emo the same shit for two more pages. Mmmmmm, creamy, sickly-sweet filler. The next section, Sophie talks about finding out about Billys ex being his co-star 'makes' her call Molly. Fuck off. You made yourself call your emotional crutch because you're too fucking insecure. Own your shit.

Actually, pause on that thought for a second, because it almost seems like for a nanosecond she does:

I've been so wrapped up in my own torment and misery that I selfishly blocked out how Molly must've been feeling during that time.

So then they start expounding on how shit Sophie's replacement was and how they both suck for trusting her, and how Sally went about betraying everyone, the cow. Oh, and everyone is up in arms because the next article might be about someone cheating about their cooking ... yeah. Quite the scandal, there.

Then Sophie says she's glad the article came out and that Billy knows now and I try not to ragesplode. She's like this guy I work with who will throw tantrums about ANYTHING, cuss all the managers out, act like a brat ... then twenty minutes later come back and say 'I do apologise, I'm so sorry'. Which is the point I basically tell him to go fuck himself (or, you know 'I don't want your empty apologies, I want you to think and act like an adult and maybe not fuck up in the first place? That would be good once in a while. Otherwise, I don't want to hear it') because who wants people like that in their lives?

You know, I don't think Giovanna is actually like this, you know. I think she's trying here to create tension and she's out of realistic options, so she's rehashing the same things over and over. Which is fairly realistic, I have some friends who stick to the same five conversations, but in print, as I've pointed out, it makes Sophie look like a horribly neurotic psychobitch. This should have been a novella.

Ugh, I hate Sophie-and-Molly conversations. They have one word conversations for extra added filler, and it takes So Damn Long to get to the point. And then we have a rehash of the chapter so far with Molly fangirling in between Sophie's blabbering. I'm not kidding, the last few paragraphs in entirety?

"My girl, just remember that it's you he comes home to every night."

"Yes, but is there any point in him coming home if he'd rather be somewhere else? There's so much happening at the moment, opportunities being offered every day - it's all so exciting for him. But for me it's just ..."

"Overwhelming?"
"Yeah. I guess. I've got nothing exciting to give him."
I hear Molly sigh down the phone. "Don't let your doubts get into his head - nothing will push him away faster. That boy loves you, Sophie. You've got to start believing you're good enough."

See? Fangirling. Although, I saw that sigh. Molly's as done with Sophie's shit as I am.

And with that is the end of the chapter, and the end of this blog post, and I am out. Done. See you next time.