Monday 5 October 2015

Feeling down

So, I think a couple of posts ago I was thinking of this situation I'm in, and for the last few weeks I've managed to avoid it, but it feels like it's rearing its ugly head again, so I'm going to blab on about it on here and see if I feel any less rubbish as a result.

I've talked on here (relentlessly) about my health issues as I try and sound them out, and cope with them. It feels like my doctors are finally taking it seriously, now I'm in the position of feeling light-headed nearly constantly.

They do limit what I can do as a mother. I'm not the mum who goes and takes my boy to the park, or plays games with him all the time. Sometimes I'm the mum who can barely move out of bed but I do because seeing my boy is important to me. On my worst days, I sit in the front room and just try to be near him while he plays, looking at him when he's close, trying to listen when he talks endlessly about his passions. On my worst days, I can't follow him, I pick up words and the general gist but it all goes over my head.

I know I'm lucky, still living with my parents, having them help out. It took them a while to realise that it's always going to have an effect ("Siobhan, I think you have fatigue, but I don't think it's chronic" "I've had it for seven years" *speechless response*) but throughout, they've always helped when I'm feeling weak, made suggestions to keep him entertained that are low impact for me, given me reminders when I needed them ("he has swimming on Mondays, not Tuesday now") - I am grateful for everything.

But I'm not the only one who lives at home still. And those who do can see my struggling, can see when I'm sitting on the sofa with a heat pad and a glazed look on my face because sitting upright is hard for me. I thought they understood just as much.

I'm not the only one in my family who has issues, but where I can be sensitive to them, I am. I thought that I had a good relationship with all my siblings, but I found out recently that I was wrong. That the sister I thought I was closest to can't stand me.

She said some really shitty things. Things that are unacceptable normally, but then throwing in all my problems and ... it was such a slap in the face (which is ironic, because as they were leaving her mouth, I slapped her in the face)

And now my parents have gone away, to visit my cousins halfway around the world - one of them is getting married - and it's just us in the house. I would be finding it tough anyway, to do ten days without support. I'm on the least amount of hours possible at work to balance it all, and make sure boy is always looked after, but that doesn't mean I find it easy to do all the cooking and washing and remembering the schedule all by myself. I would cope with it, however, if she wasn't there, ignoring me, acting like neither of us exist. She was the one saying the unforgivable stuff, how am I the one feeling this awful over it all? This isn't like falling out with a friend where you have a difference of opinion but still love each other and know you'll get past it, this is something I don't think I've ever experienced before. She blamed me for things that other people have done or said, and then acted like I was the bitch for pointing out it wasn't me, that she shouldn't be judging me without judging everyone who has actually upset her. My mum's reassured me that she was venting on me, and I could take that, if she hadn't crossed a major line.

Because as a mum, you worry constantly if you're good enough. You have the whole world, at some point or another, making a judgement call on how well you do. And when you suffer from a chronic condition and struggle with the basics but make sure there is a decent support system in place, you feel it even more. I feel guilty all the time for not being the mum to go to the park, or play Minecraft alongside the boy (I've been finding screens difficult lately, the brightness and the motion together sets off my dizzy spells). To have someone you love say that you're a neglectful mother when you already feel like you don't give your kid enough but do your best despite your obstacles ... I don't know a bigger stab in the back than that.