Wednesday 12 November 2014

Illness

I chose a timely moment to write this, my boy is home from school with a stomach bug (you wouldn't think it right now, because he's drinking juice and watching YouTube, but my car stinks of stomach acid from where he puked last night) but ultimately, my motivation for writing this comes from ... you probably guessed. The Supernatural fandom.

Overall, it's a fantastic fandom. Unless you're in it, you probably wouldn't understand totally what it's like, and don't worry, I'm not going to sit here and bang on about it. Any more than I have done anyway.

One of the things I've noticed - and I've noticed it in other areas of my life too, but this one more so perhaps because I met about 500 people, all at once - is that a lot of us do have health problems. Fibromyalgia, MS, BiPolar, arthritis, Aspergers. We're a sickly bunch.

But despite this, it's proportional, you know? I mean, when you consider that fibro, like TTP, has only really had an advancement of study in the past few decades and more information and therefore more diagnoses are becoming prevalent (and in the case with my TTP, it means more lives are being saved so more people are TTP survivors).

However, I have noticed a trend in the last few weeks in the various groups we're all involved in. A trend where people claim that anxiety is a disability - I mean, it can be, but I'm referring to those who have never had a problem before, or who don't seem to have any issue with shouting about their anxiety from the rooftops, which seems like an oxymoron to me. Those people definitely don't have the medical connection - with the announcement that Jensen will be at the next Rogue Convention (fucking meeting DEAN!!!) it's increased sporadically.

I'm sure I've mentioned on here before my own dealings with social anxiety, where I couldn't even hand in my TTP sick notes and my parents had to do it, where I have to talk myself into the simplest of things. One of my best friends has gotten married in the interim of my postings, and I was terrified of going. Someone reposted something on Facebook that I included into my mantra to help me do basic things ("Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on") but there is something key here. My social anxiety is a result of the trauma I went through. It's tough, it can seem debilitating, sometimes that fuck it feels like I should be saying 'fuck it, who needs it?' but most importantly? IT IS NOT A DISABILITY.

Like friend A with fibro needs a rest every couple of days and she can live a semi normal life. She has a friend with recurring Lyme disease who developed CFS and he is only functional a couple of days a week. Friend B with fibro has to rest up for a few days after doing anything, because her body will fight her if she tries to do any more. Like friend C whose son is Aspergers, and friend D whose husband and children all have different things wrong.

I'm not trying to shit all over people's problems. I loathe it when people shit all over mine, when they think I'm whining about being tired because my brain damage gets triggered by my fatigue so when I'm feeling like I cannot go on and the only sense I can make is to say "I'm tired". But there is an inherent difference between being medically unable to function and something that's tough but doesn't require medical assistance. And people should understand the finite differences, and act accordingly.

Why is this annoying me? Because I can see a couple of things happening. Perfectly healthy people with no restrictions are suddenly considering asking for disability access, all because Jensen is coming. I get it, I do, he's a huge actor and that makes you anxious which sets off the cycle. But consider this - your anxiety to get five minutes up the queue to see the man triggering your anxiety will have a knock on effect for that Aspergers kid who can't cope with crowds. It's going to make that girl with fibromyalgia sit out something she wanted to do because she cannot cope with the increased access line. They got access to avoid what your anxiety is causing. The knock on effect is that your anxiety makes a tougher con for more people, including the staff who are helping to make the experience a good one for everyone. If it is so important, why did you not buy a ticket early and seek out an upgrade? I know of one upgrade who will be getting access because she has genuine issues ... and that's it. Out of 150 of us (approximately).

What else can I see? I see people using it, going on about it constantly, making it seem like a big deal that they have anxiety and so need pity. No. I'm sorry that you have these issues, I do too, trust me. But there are worse things. There's being told you're brain damaged for a start. There's doctors telling you that the things you took for granted, you can never do again, like walking, or being fully independent, or having children. All because of a legitimate disability. I, and others, battle constantly to even try to function as normal, to do things like we used to because dammit, it's hard enough now without those pleasures life used to give us, without people wanting pity for something others consider a side effect. Yes, it irritates me. I get that it's a big portion of your life, and this will be harsh, but please understand what it's like for those of us with real issues who have to read this over and over. It is minor. And it sickens me that this is the excuse that will be used by so many people to try and get that much closer to Jensen. It makes a mockery of the system, and of those people who are so restricted by their legitimate anxiety that they can barely leave the house.

So reconsider. You have over six months in which to do so. Is your anxiety really so strong that you cannot even go near the crowds (have to wonder why you booked for such a notoriously busy convention, personally) and must have access? Is it general or Jensen-specific anxiety? Does someone else need this more than you? Are you being selfish here, or is it so bad that it's a necessity?

And for the record - no. I wouldn't consider access. I didn't spend seven months of sick leave when I first went into remission fighting to get my brain back and function again to go on disability, so why would I try to access that now? I've done two cons and know what I can cope with (lesson learned at A13: I cannot stay up drinking until 3.30 in the morning and then get up at 5.45 and expect to feel well at all. I went straight from still drunk to hungover to fatigued-and-nonsensical) and know that I don't need it, not when that boy in the wheelchair does. Not while that man's on crutches. Not while that girl is saying she has arthritis. Live within your means, and remember the convention is for everyone who paid a ticket, and not just you.

/end rant. This is the most I've written all day. Whoops.

Sunday 26 October 2014

Asylum series: an explanation

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger. This is where I make some weak ass excuse. But seriously, I keep thinking that I need to blog and then nothing springs to mind. A little like my main writing, atm. I've been stuck on my Destiel.

So, this post actually serves a purpose. Maybe a couple.

I know I promised to continue talking about Asylum, and I will, but not how I was planning before. I know I promised to address something, but I wanted to do it right, and well … I don't know if I can. Because for me, it's tied to a lot of things that took me a long time to deal with and trying to work through the minefields that it concerns is just … it's beyond me. So I'm not going to be writing about that. But I do plan on summarising the awesomeness that was Asylum 13, and I will also talk about the impending asylum 14, which Sarah-Jane will be coming to as well!

But for now I'm tired because there's been a few stresses at work and I've been on the go for a while now and I just need to chill out a little. But I'll be back soon, promise!

Saturday 30 August 2014

I want out

People can suck so much.

How much do you have to beat yourself up to meet their requirements when they still shit all over you?

It seems like such a minor thing, but it stems from something much bigger.

Ugh.


BTW, when I say people, I exclusively mean my brothers. Want nothing more to do with either of them.

I will blog properly soon. I only just remembered the other day that I owe Sarah-Jane a blog post about a necklace, and another about fan fiction for two of her separate blogs, so I promise to get right on with them!

Monday 11 August 2014

Genre

I'm still struggling to write the first draft of book four of Uprooted. I think I know what it is, I need to research the American school system more, to know when stuff like college applications happen, so I can plot that in. Plus, this is the book where things change drastically for one of my main characters and I'm terrified of doing it wrong. I feel like I've been ham-fisted with a lot of things.

Meanwhile, I'm getting more requests for the risqué stuff I've been writing. I seem to do okay with it. It makes me wonder … am I writing in the wrong genre, aiming for YA? Or can I be like Rowling, and have more than one genre (and just go by a pseudonym because erotica and YA should not be compatible). I don't know. I feel like the emergence of this serendipitous revelation that I'm good at filth is making me question my true abilities. I enjoy writing it too, which is bizarre, because I never thought I would, and because I don't in "real life".

I'm whining, I know. I'm procrastinating. Like I was when doing GISHWHES. Like I do with a lot of things.

I just have a shit tonne of ideas and no real time to write them in.

In other news, today is the last day of my Yearly tracker. I have to finish totalling todays writing when I finish today's writing, but I had the intention of writing 150,000 words this year. Currently, the total is 468,189, plus I have two paragraphs to add in, and others to write because I'm not done yet tonight. Let's round up to 469,000.

Next year's tracker may have to have a higher target. 300,000?

Wednesday 6 August 2014

Climbing a mountain

So, I've said before I'm doing GISHWHES this year, right? We're about halfway through now (just tomorrow and Friday to go!) and I'm loving the challenges, both that I've done and that my teammates (who're just awesome) have done.

I did a big point item yesterday. Worth 147 points. I climbed to the top of Mount Snowdon ( item 26: IMAGE (two images edited side-by-side). Table Mountain, South Africa; Mount Snowdon Wales; Mount Sinai, Egypt; Mt. Fuji, Japan; and Mt. Kilimanjaro, Tanzania are epic peaks. Climb one of them. You must submit two images side by side, one of you in front of the mountain, and the second, with you at the summit, wearing the same clothes, holding up a sign that says: "Everything is easy when you GISHWHES!")

This was a big challenge for me, in a few ways. My family came to North Wales when I was seven, and we were going to attempt the summit. We were going to use the train, but it was too expensive. I was hung-ho for walking it, because I was seven and had no concept of time or distance or effort (I have climbed hills since, like Malvern in Wales and somewhere near the Lake District, and part of Vesuvius) but mum said me and my eight-year-old brother were too small, so we didn't go. I've wanted to do it since then.

I admit, due to health reasons, I got the train this time, which stops a ten minute walk from the summit (so Misha, I did reach the summit on my own! Kinda!) I'm glad I made that decision, my fatigue would never have gotten me to the peak, and nor would my lungs. I'm so disappointed with them. They partially collapsed with the TTP stuff, and I had physio to get them working properly again, and then last year I had chest infections/bronchitis so badly they gave me and inhaler. That's why I only did part of Vesuvius, I got about fifteen minutes from the summit and had a coughing fit so bad I nearly puked. So getting the train lessened the strain, though as soon as I stepped off my chest was tight, my throat felt like it had been sanded raw, and I coughed a lot. But I freaking did it. I got the pictures. I got our points. I completed a 22-year-old wish. I didn't see dragons, but you can't have everything.

So, thank you Misha, for putting that item in there, and completing a childhood wish. I'm sorry my health stopped me going along the walking route (though I did the very bottom for one of the pictures) but I reached the summit, one way or another. And that's what counts, right? You said climb and well, the train helped me do that (if I was wheelchair bound, I wouldn't worry this much! Although, I would never have reached the tiny summit! steep, wonky steps up to a compass point!)

You could see the isle of man from that vantage point. If it wasn't so cloudy, you could have seen Ireland. I don't think my pictures do justice for the scale of how steep and high it was!

Friday 1 August 2014

Yet another reason to love Misha Collins

He's like a big fan himself:


He also tweeted about orgies. It's a Supernatural fan thing (I haven't been tweeting him about the same thing. Nooooo!)

Why would you not respect a guy who embraces all the strange things his fans do, and then makes them do strange things too? I wish I was in Seattle on Sunday, with the french maid's costume and art-style hat.

And that won't make any sense to you, but it's so very, very Misha.

Thursday 31 July 2014

Positive developments

I don't have a lot of body confidence. I know it's cliche to be a woman and have body hang ups, so I'll make this clear - I used to be happy with my body. At the end of my teens, start of my twenties, I had a body I was happy with, that I understood, that I could dress well and know my clothes suited me. And then I had my son, and got sick, and spent a few years bloating out and not understanding my physiology enough to be able to change that. Part of the reason why I like doing herbalife is because of the energy it gives me, and the chance to think about what I'm doing with my body again. I'm not like a health food crazy, but I'm more restrained. My body's getting back to the way it was when I was happy with it, like I wanted. It's been slow because I've been crap with herbalife through June and half of May, but I'm back on track now.

And I did something I've never done before. Ever. Even with my happy-body. I wore a bikini. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I do prefer onesies. Unfortunately, my boobs become besties with gravity when I wear one. And I found a Kelly Brook range in New Look months ago, and she understands what it's like to be a big-on-top girl, and this bikini has been floating around my room for ages. We were going to the beach today, and last time we went I had so much fun playing in the shallows with Noah, that I wanted to go further. I'm not a strong swimmer, but he's little and wouldn't go too far. I wanted us to enjoy ourselves. So I wore the bikini. That I now resemble a lobster is nothing, I gave Noah a lot more than I've been able to for a long while, thanks to my shitty energy levels and headfuck. Today was fun. Even if I still have some way to go (and no Lydia, I have no side-on shots. They all looked pornographic!) I'm not sorry I'm making you look at it. Gallbladder surgery scars and all:


Tuesday 29 July 2014

How on earth did I forget this?!

So, I don't think I've even mentioned this! God, what's wrong with me?

Okay, so a couple of months ago, someone from the Supernatural fandom world and I were talking, and she said she really wanted to go to Asylum 14 next May. And I offered to help her out, not by buying the ticket, but by doing something, finding some way of contributing. I would have just given her some of the cost of the ticket, but I knew she wouldn't be comfortable with that. She does Chibi drawings a lot, so we hammered it out until she agreed to draw some of my characters as a commission piece, and the money from that would go to her ticket. She got the ticket, and worked her butt off on the commission. Bless her, she was worried it was taking so long, but we'd gone into our summer sale at work and the days were flashing by and I honestly didn't notice when her imposed time limit was gone. She kept saying sorry, but honestly, the most important thing for me was that she was going to be able to enjoy herself (coincidentally, the woman I'm sharing a room with at Asylum 13 offered to help someone else, and got refused. Which is fair enough, money makes people weird, but then the same person kept moaning she couldn't afford a ticket, and then they all sold out and she didn't have one and it's like, dude, you had a brilliant opportunity to go!)

Anyway, she sent me the final product a few weeks ago. I love it! There's a few things I didn't expect (like Carter's shirt is bright for him. Must've been baseball day, haha!) but I love what she's done. Especially with Lambrini, since I can never quite picture her (although my friend Holly sent me a picture of a character from Waterloo Road, and she comes close) so now I have some kind of visual representation to refer back to.

Wanna see the picture?:


If you haven't read my stuff, they're probably just cartoons to you. But this is the two main characters, and their friends (at least, the ones dominant in the first four/five books) and it took me ages to work out who I'd want a picture of. Can you imagine if I'd asked for Carter's entire family? She'd still be working on it, for sure!

I need to get off my butt and carry on writing it, really!

Friday 25 July 2014

Trouble





Another video book review! Hope you enjoy it. It's probably too waffly :/

Tuesday 22 July 2014

The Fault In Our Stars

You can hear traffic constantly! I have abrupt edits because I had to cut off my mother calling me every two seconds! I totally disregard my most recent post (until like, the last ten minutes, anyway ;) )

Enjoy! It's effing long:

*ETA: I can't upload it for some reason, blogger's pretending it doesn't know crap about my youtube, even though they're on the same google account. Whatever, google plus! so sorry, it's a link. Maybe because it's 45 minutes long?!*

zee moans about TFIOS

Saturday 19 July 2014

Awwwh!

So, I haven't talked too much about it on here, though I have talked about it at some point, but I've been trying my hand at erotica in fan fiction. I'm surprised at how okay I am at it, all things considered. I've had to explain some BDSM stuff to two different people based on my last chapters, which is so surreal for me. How do I know all this stuff and you guys don't?!

Anyway, so the big project I have going on, with my longest chapters ever (current one I'm working on is estimated at 8k. I tend to do 1-2k per chapter. Gerald won't know what to do with me!) I've done two versions of, for each of the two main characters. They have such different perspectives, and different things going on in their lives (which marries up with the show beautifully. Okay, I confess, this is Destiel. Heavy slash Destiel. Totally NSFW. And it's so much fun to do) and even though the main thread of the story is the same and I don't change events or speech … well, this is the comment someone made this morning when she read some of it:

"I've never read companion writing before yours. Wasn't sure what to make me the idea, but when i started reading, my god, WELL impressed with how different the same story can be, its so cool!"

I'm so pleased about that! It's a big ask to make the same story different, but I think it's because I've employed a few little tricks to keep it going:

-One is written in third person, the other in first. Which means one gets to be more descriptive, and one is more colloquial, and emotional.

-One is meant to be more romantic, and touching. The other I'm trying to inject some humour in. Writing in first person means the reactions can be the most comical bit, especially when they misinterpret each other.

-They're not together 24-7. What happens when they're apart lends the stories a different flavour.

It's so much fun to see people's reactions to the different stories, although the third person one is getting more of a response. I think because it came first and then people are worried that by trying the second, it would be really repetitive? But if you'd want to read, let me know, I might link you, if I think you can handle being scarred mentally. I mean, at one point there's an angel buying supplies in an S&M shop in Amsterdam, so you already know it's going to be pretty messed up.

And I'm totally going to hell.

Good timing!

Last night, I drove home in the middle of a thunderstorm. I freaking loved it. But the best part of seeing forked lightning streak across the sky in front of my little Fiesta was the music. I was playing McFly's memory lane album, and the timing was exception. Like there was a line about storms *lightning flash* and seeing someone through driving rain (driving through driving rain). I mean, yeah they were making metaphors, but you cannot time that kind of perfection!

I was sad when the storm ended before I got home, the sky owed me like, a giant flash across the sky as I put the handbrake on, just to tie it up neatly! Okay, it didn't owe me, but that would have been amazing!

Wednesday 16 July 2014

Surprise! I've been busy plotting

For a reading/writing blog, I don't talk much about other books on here very much. But I've solved that now:


My editing sucks. So does the sound quality. I was nervous doing it, and taping it trying not to be overheard by the many members of my family, who would just take the piss (ahhhh, family!) so if I seem like I'm whispering, it's because I thought I heard them on the stairs ;) Still, I hope this can be a regular thing. I can be very opinionated.

Monday 14 July 2014

It's nice to be important. But it's important to be nice.

Someone on my twitter feed wrote the above title as a tweet today. I like it for a few reasons.

Like, more and more, since I left McDonald's, I'm trying to be positive and embrace the good in life. Part of that is trying to see the best in everyone, part of that is finding ways to be kind, or to reach out to people on something relevant to them. Being nice is about making others feel good, because the world is so full of criticisms and harshness and if you can be the brief silver lining in someone's cloudy day, doesn't that have some relevance for the way the world works?

That's not to say by being positive you should be a doormat, and you should always endeavour to stand up for your beliefs. Just find kind ways to be firm. You can be nice for so many things where people get irate. Like, I went to a store recently, and I had to talk to the sales person about something I needed, but at first it felt like she was really unhelpful, and I could feel myself getting worked up, but then I had as quick a rethink as I could, and I rephrased. I asked questions to find out why she couldn't help, and I felt shitty for getting upset in the first place. But you know what? When I left, we were on pretty good terms, because I'd tried to be patient and kind and understand that actually, the situation was as little her fault as it was mine, because that's what I hope for when customers aren't happy in my job.

Or like when the A12 tickets got cancelled, as upset and angry as I was, yelling and being abusive would have led to what, exactly? So I was as polite as I could be through the devastation, and the tickets were reinstated, and actually, I've emailed a couple of times since then for the next two conventions and I feel confident in doing so, because I am polite and patient and just nice. The responses, when I get them, respond to that. Nice leads to nice, and that leads to happy.

It makes me look back on McDonald's and wonder why I ever put up with the way things were there. The way you had to compromise your morals and friendships in order to keep the wheel turning one more day. But there was no gratitude for they way they stomped on your soul and sucked your time, just an expectation that you step up quicker, next time. I cannot be around that anymore, or anything like it. Not when there's so much in the world that is amazing, and worthwhile.

Or like on goodreads, where I do discuss books with other frequently. There's a member I've debated/clashed with for a long time. I used to think it was me. I endeavoured to take my new, embrace-the-positive attitude to those conversations, or else move away. And I've realised - albeit with the help of others - that it was never me. It was always her negativity. And now that I've let it go, I'm really enjoying the conversations with everyone else on there.

The world is so full of good-natured, friendly people. It's just that sometimes, one negative person can make the world seem like it's full of anger, and lies, and depravity. It's times like those - like the other day - where I just try to take five, and then find those who are being positive. I want to surround myself with good, and happy, and love, because I've had enough sadness to last me for the rest of my life now.

I think this is why I embrace statements like the above, or things like Random Acts, which is about being kind and considerate. I love Misha forever for creating such a great concept. I can't wait for GISHWHES in a couple of weeks, which is his biggest fundraiser, and completely mental, according to my more experienced teammates.

And all of the above … I'll be honest, it's why I haven't posted so much lately. I've had a fair bit of negativity in my comments since my Destiel post - which I stand by - and I felt like this was a negative place. I feel compromised being here, a little. But this is my blog, and it's where I reason things out, and I'm not going to let a few unfounded comments put me off being here. This blog is going to grow again, and it's going to grow from love. I may still have my whiney posts - I am human - but remember that they're fleeting, and that I'm aiming for something different now. I'm aiming for happy, however I can harness that. I'm considering doing 100 happy days on here, just to enforce that. Because happiness is in big shows, and tiny efforts, it's in smiles and compliments or a comfortable silence with an old friend. It's a book, or writing, or hugs with my son. Happiness is everywhere, I'm just going to make sure I've got my eyes open.

Sunday 13 July 2014

Siobhan watches: Supernatural. Season One, Episode Twelve. Faith.

Sorry I haven't done one of these for so long! I have no excuse, just haven't been in the mood. Also, the title of this one has me laughing. I have a fanfic with the same name. It's not important. Let's go on.

After the introduction, we're shown the outside of a run-down house at night. The Impala pulls to a stop outside the building, and the boys use their sawn-off shotguns to prop open the trunk of the car as they rummage around for the equipment they need. Sam asks Dean the ampage of the taser in his hand, and Dean tells him they're at 100, 000 volts. He says he wants the monster "extra crispy" and they only have one shot so they need to make it count.

They enter the basement of the building, shining their flashlights around as they go. They notice a large wardrobe, and count to three to open it, finding two scared children inside. They ask if "it" is still there, and the kids nod. Sam and Dean tell the kids to hold hands, they're going to get them out of there. Sam runs upstairs with the kids as Dean continues looking around the basement and following slowly, until something grabs Sam's legs and pulls him down the stairs. The little girl screams, and Dean past Sam, releasing the taser. We hear a monster groan, and Dean orders Sam to get the kids out. Sam chucks Dean his own taser the monster, and runs out with the kids. Dean carries on looking in the basement, knowing the monster is still alive, and it jumps out at him, pushing him down. He scrambles around for the dropped taser as the monster advances on him, grabbing it out of a puddle and aiming it at the monster. He hits it, but the electric current passes through the puddle and Dean is shocked by the taser too. Sam comes running down the stairs, shouting Dean's name, and trying to wake him up.

Yeah, that's right, my baby was so intent on killing that monster that he didn't watch for himself. So Dean. Even though I don't like seeing him that way, it is good they show that hunts don't always work out. Regardless, this episode is predominately about one thing. Dean. Mmmmm! I think this is the bit where the writers noticed exactly what they had made him and decided to give him a little more focus, or perhaps they were trying to show Sam as more sympathetic by showing just how concerned he is about his big brother, who so far has done nothing but try to make his baby brother happy.

Sam is at the hospital, talking to a nurse who tells him she can't find any insurance on file. Sam gives her a puppy dog look and passes her a card from his pocket as two police officers look on. He looks over at them as the nurse looks them up on the computer, and they tell Sam they can finish up later. Sam says it's okay, and tells them a story about how he and Dean came to be in the neighbourhood. They buy it, and thank him, and Sam excuses himself to talk with a doctor who has appeared down the corridor.

The doctor tells Sam that Dean's resting, but he was electrocuted into having a massive heart attack. He goes on to say they've done all they can but now they just need to keep him comfortable. At most, he'd have a month left to live.

It's a dark day in Mrs Dean Winchester land *pulls veil from funeral hat across face* my poor baby!

Sam insisted there must be something they can do, and the doctor tells him they can't work miracles.

Why put ideas in his head, Doc? He's a freaking Winchester! Also, I can tell the doctor thinks he's just a typical relative, wanting the impossible because they can't accept reality, but … the Winchesters live every day with the impossible, so get the hell over it, Doc!

In the hospital bed, Dean is flicking through TV channels, looking tired and worn out. As Sam walks into the room, he says in a croaking voice about how terrible daytime TV is.

He hasn't found Dr Sexy, MD yet.

Sam - "I talked to your doctor."
Dean - "That fabric softener teddy bear, ooh, I'm gonna hunt that little bitch down."
Sam - "Dean?"
Dean - "Yeah? Alright, well, looks like you're gonna leave town without me."
Sam - "What are you talking about? I'm not gonna leave you here."
Dean - "Hey, you're gonna take care of that car or I swear I'll haunt your ass."
Sam - "I don't think that's funny."
Dean - "Oh, come on, it's a little funny. Look, Sammy, what can I say man? It's a dangerous gig. I drew the short straw. That's it, end of story."
Sam - "Don't talk like that, alright? We still have options."
Dean - "What options? You got burial or cremation. I know it's not easy, but I'm gonna die. And you can't stop it."
Sam - "Watch me."

They're scho cute! I love how determined Sam is. He can make anything happen as long as he sets his mind to it. Is it big-headed that I can relate to that? I'm relating anyway. He's so dynamic! I know, I'm complimenting Sam … I do actually like the guy! And only Dean would want to gank
 a TV mascot because it annoyed him. The line about Dean haunting Sam for messing with the car has come back via tumblr for a later episode … but no spoilers, or anything!

Later, as the camera pans over various books and print outs of biology books, we can hear John's voicemail again. As soon as the beep goes, Sam begins to leave a message, letting him know that Dean's sick and the doctors are calling time, but the doctors don't know the things they do, right? He then says he'll do what it takes to get Dean better, but he wanted John to know. He hangs up and drops the phone, fighting tears back as someone knocks on the door of his motel room. he goes to answer it, and there's Dean, looking completely wrecked.

And what he says next is really misogynistic and pig-headed and I should hate him with every fibre of my being, but I'm a really poor example of my female species and squealed instead. Oh, Dean!

Sam - "What the hell are you doing here?"
Dean - "I checked myself out."
Sam - "Are you crazy?"
Dean - "Oh, I'm not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot."
Sam - "You know, this whole 'I laugh in the face of Death' thing? It's crap, I can see right through it."
Dean - "Yeah, whatever, dude. Have you even slept? You look worse than me."

See, I can see through the bullshit too, which is why Dean gets away with being a pig, because he's hiding how scared he truly is and all he really wants in his *possibly* last few days is the baby brother he raised. And he really doesn't look better than Sammy. He looks like he needs me *sighs*

Sam tells Dean he's been searching the net for the last three days as he helps Dean into a chair. He then says he's called every contact in their dad's journal. Dean asks what for, and Sam says to get him help. A guy called Joshua called back about a specialist in Nebraska. Dean asks if Sam's going to let him die in peace, and Sam smirks before saying he's not going to die, period. They're going to Nebraska.

In Nebraska, there are people on crutches and with zimmer frames forcing their way through a muddy field in order to reach a tent. Sam and Dean drive up as well, Sam trying to help Dean along. Dean spots the sign for the tent, and calls Sam a lying bastard, because Sam had claimed they were going to a doctor. Sam responds with "I believe I said a specialist."

Semantics, Sam. You didn't say faith healer.

Sam tries to talk the guy up, and Dean moans about the set up, a guy who heals people out of a tent. A passerby tells them the healer is a great man and Dean shoots her down. They pass another man telling a local officer that the healer is a fraud. The officer defends the healer, and as he takes the protestor off, Dean comments "I take it he's not part of the flock." 

Actually, for the purposes of foreshadowing, I'm going to copy out some of the dialogue:

Sam - "Well, when people see something they can't explain, there's controversy."
Dean - "But come on, Sam, a faith healer?"
Sam - "Maybe it's time to have a little faith, Dean."
Dean - "You know what I got faith in? Reality. Knowing what's really going on."
Sam - "How can you be a skeptic with the things we see every day?"
Dean - "Exactly, we see them. We know they're real."
Sam - "But if you know evil's out there, how can you not believe good's out there too?"
Dean - "Because I've seen what evil does to good people."

I'm up to date, this dialogue is hard to take. But essentially, this is a theme throughout a few seasons, Dean has no faith, and Sam has a lot of faith. It's a nice turn around when you do see Dean finally praying, but that's in like, season four at least. His prayers are hysterical.

Another passer by tells Dean how God words in mysterious ways. Dean agrees as he eyes her up, and Sam shoots him a look.

Because it is a little skeevy of Dean to agree just for some tail. Sam's got his priorities right. Dean's thinking with his dick. And I still would. I know, I should be ashamed.

Dean continues flirting, and introduces himself and his brother. The passer by introduces herself as Layla.

If you couldn't tell by now, if they get named, they're relevant to the episode.

Layla asks Dean why he's there if he doesn't believe, and Dean says his brother believes enough for the both of them. Layla gets called into the tent and they watch her leave before Dean says to Sam "Well, I bet you she could work in some mysterious ways." Sam smirks and laughs, then follows Dean into the tent. Dean's first reaction is to comment on how much peace, love and trust there was in the tent while nodding to a CCTV camera fixed to a tent pole. Dean moves towards a chair, and Sam tugs him up front, despite his protests.

For me, this more than Jensen's acting is selling the idea that Dean is dying. Because Jensen's acting is a teeny bit inconsistent here, but the fact of him cow tailing to Sam's decisions is the biggest red flag. He's only half-assing his arguments, and that's not very Dean. I mean sure, he'd do anything for Sam, but he'd do anything for Sam in his own way, because he's in charge.

Sam fusses over Dean, who continually waves him off, despite audibly struggling with just sitting in the chair. The preacher up front, who's wearing dark glasses (so blind?) begins his sermon, talking about his wife reading him the news. As he talks, Sam is looking around at the stage props, and Dean merely looks pissed off. As the preacher says that God helps him see into people's hearts to know who to heal, Dean mutters "Yeah, or into their wallets."

Sidebar: I pull this shit in movies, and did in the panels at the convention. I have never had happen to me what happens to Dean. Poor Dean.

The preacher hears, and confronts Dean. Dean apologises, and the reverent makes a joke about blind men having sharp ears. He calls Dean up onto the stage, and Dean says no thanks. Sam asks what he's doing as the preacher points out he came to be healed. Dean continues trying to pass it off, they should pick someone else, and the reverent says "I didn't pick you, Dean, the Lord did."

Foooooreshadowiiiiiiiiing!

Sam prods Dean again, and he finally goes up to the stage. The reverent asks if he's ready, and Dean admits he's not a believer. The reverent assures him that he will be, then asks the congregation to pray. The reverent puts his hand on Dean's shoulder, and then on his head, and Sam watches intently from the audience as Dean begins to collapse on stage. Sam stands up as Dean is kneeling, eyes blinking, neck cricking everywhere, and then he falls on the floor. Sam jumps up, calling for his brother as everyone applauds.

Dean comes to, and looks towards the preacher as a shadowy figure appears beside him and then disappears. Dean sits up, staring around.

Yeah, I'm not too sure about this scene. I mean, it's meant to be Dean getting healed, but did it take them a month to find this guy in Nebraska? Really? Its timeline is as messed up as Bugs. Or was Dean on his way to another heart attack (Jensen didn't sell that) regardless of the time limit and it just so happened to be in that tent? I don't understand why Dean saw that figure.

Can I just sidebar to say that I started reviewing this episode only a few days after the last one? It's taken me months. Season Nine finale fucked me up good. I will finish it! I need the disc drive for something else coming up on my blog. And going back into the episode:

In another hospital, Sam is enthusiastically asking if Dean feels okay, which he tries to shut down quickly as a doctor walks into the room, saying that there's nothing apparently wrong with Dean's heart, and it doesn't look like there ever was. He's been cured. She says it's strange but it can happen. Dean asks what she means by that, and she says just the day before, an athletic guy, about 27 had a heart attack out of nowhere. Dean thanks her and she walks out. Dean turns to Sam and says it's odd, to which Sam says it's a coincidence. Dean says no, and Sam asks why they can't be grateful that Dean's life was saved and moved on.

Because Dean doesn't think he's worth it. Especially knowing another man might be dead in his place. That sort of thing eats him up.

Dean says that he thinks something's wrong, he felt cold at the time of the 'healing' and he saw an old man. He thinks the man is a spirit. Sam points out he would have seen it as well if there has been something, because he's seen an awful lot more than Dean lately. Dean says "Oh well, excuse me, psychic wonder. But you're just gonna need a little faith on this one. Sam, I've been hunting long enough to trust a feeling like this." Sam laughs, but agrees, and asks what Dean wants to do. Dean tells Sam to check out the guy with the heart attack, he's going to talk to the reverend.

I'd normally say this isn't the best way to do this, Sam should go talk to the reverend because he can doe-eye him into putty, but Sam's in smug mode after being 'right' about the healing, so I can understand that Dean thinks he's acting too maturely. Plus, Dean would have more of the right questions in this situation.

In the reverend's house, Dean is telling the reverend and his wife how great he feels, and how he's now trying to make sense of what happened.The wife (I've seen her in another episode! This is going to drive me crazy!) says it was a miracle, that's what happened. Roy - the reverend - is surrounded by miracles. Dean asks when they started. The reverend tells how he lost his sight to cancer, and he and his wife prayed for a miracle, even when he felt weak. He slipped into a coma they didn't think he would come back from, but he woke up, cancer free. Dean asked if that was when he discovered he could heal people, and the reverend tells him yes, afterwards. The wife says how the congregation grew, and Dean asks for one more question. The reverend says yes, and Dean asks, why him? The reverend said he looked into Dean's heart, and Dean stood out. Dean asks what he saw in his heart, and the reverend says "A young man with an important purpose, a job to do, and it isn't finished."

You can take this one of a few ways: his job is finding his dad. His job is to get revenge for his mother. Or - as he told Sam - his job is to hunt monsters and save innocent lives.

Meanwhile, Sam is talking to a witness who said the heart attack victim swam every day, and didn't smoke, he was pretty healthy so a heart attack seemed bizarre. They talk about how he was running the night of his collapse and how he said something was chasing him. When Sam asks what, the guy says thin air, there wasn't anything to be seen. Sam notices the clock has stopped, and when he asks, the guy says they can't get it working. Sam asks if it's stopped on the time that the guy died, and the witness says yes.

On Dean's way out of the reverend's house, he meets the Layla who asks how he's feeling. He says good, cured. She smiles, and he asks what she's doing there. She says she brought her mother to talk to the reverend. But the wife appears and says that Roy's resting and not open to receive anyone else. The mother begs, saying they've been six times now. The wife gives a spiel about working when the Lord will allow, and tells Layla's mother to have faith. As the wife walks away, Layla's mother turns to Dean and asks why he's still even there. Layla's shocked, telling her to stop it as she tears into Dean. Her mother says she wants the strangers to stop being picked over Layla, and Dean asks what's wrong with her. Layla has a brain tumour. Dean apologises, and Layla passes it off, before her mother asks "Why do you deserve to live more than my daughter?"

Because he's the Michael sword, the descendent of Cain and the righteous man. But we'll get to that as we go along.

Also, I'm pretty sure Dean's basically Jesus.

Dean goes back to the motel room, where Sam is already typing away on his laptop. Dean asks what Sam's found out, and Sam's response is an apology. Dean asks why he's sorry, and Sam gives Dean the runner's time of death. Dean makes the connection out loud for us "The exact time I was healed." Sam's put together a list of the six people Roy had healed over the past year, cross-checking them with local obituaries. He passes the list to Dean, mentioning that the times of healing/death weren't the only coincidences, the people that died had the same complaints as the people being healed. Roy is trading one life for another. Dean asks if Marshall, the runner, died to save him? Sam points out he would have died in someone's place anyway, it just happened to be Dean who got healed. Dean tells him he shouldn't have dragged him there, and Sam said he was just trying to save him.

Another recurring theme! A Winchester's biggest weakness is saving his brother. Sam and Dean will continually fuck up with the other in mind. This is why Wincest exists. They're pretty co-dependent, considering they've only been travelling together again for a few months.

Dean reminds him that someone's now dead because of him, and Sam says he didn't know.

Meanwhile, Roy is healing someone else, an elderly man with breathing trouble. Sam's voice carries over the scene, wondering how Roy is trading a life for a life. Dean points out it's not Roy. Something else is doing it for him.

We see a female jogger bending over, gasping for breath from her run. She turns and sees the man, as Dean mentions him in the narration. He says he didn't want to believe it. Sam asks what he means, and Dean says there's only one thing that can give or take life like that. "We're dealing with a reaper."

Reapers change so much throughout the next nine seasons. Also, sorry I didn't do this part so well, the boys are talking but the shots are between the motel room, the healing and the reaping, but it's really hard to write about it in the correct order.

The jogger begins to run away from the reaper as Roy goes to place a hand on an elderly man on an oxygen tank. As the jogger turns to see where the reaper is, she runs into him. He puts a hand on her head, as Roy does the same to the elderly man, and she asphyxiates.

And because the soundtrack is awesome, this bit is to the tune of Don't Fear The Reaper.

The last thing we see is the reaper putting his hand on the elderly man as well, giving him the girl's life, and disappearing before the man pulls off his cannula.

We cut back to Sam talking as Dean looks through some papers. he's in front of his laptop and asking if Dean thinks it's the grim reaper.

He sounds ridiculously excited by the prospect. Oh, Sammy!

Dean corrects him quickly. "No, no, no, not the Reaper. A reaper. There's reaper lore in pretty much every culture on earth. They go by a hundred different names. It's possible there's more than one of them."

Spoiler alert: there are many. Like, one in every town.

Sam points out he saw a dude in a suit. Dean asks if he should be working the 'whole black robe' thing.

And my DVD has stopped on the funniest possible moment. Cas would be happy ;) Unfortunately my screen shots suck.

Dean continues by mentioning the clock stopping, and tells Sam reapers stop time, and you only see them when they come for you, hence why Dean saw him and Sam didn't. Sam says maybe, and Dean puts his foot down, saying it couldn't be anything else, he's just not sure how Roy's controlling the thing. Sam mentions a cross, and Dean asks what he means. Sam tells him about a cross in the tent that he'd seen before, and he begins flicking through tarot cards, looking for the cross.

This is the kind of exposition we typically get in Supernatural, with Dean and Sam discussing the things they've found to draw a base conclusion. I like it, because it's fairly natural dialogue (considering the topics) and you can see their personalities, but also the respect and love they have for each other. They don't talk down to each other, they discuss possibilities and work on building each other's theories. For now, anyway. This is, after all, the 'happy' series. This is them getting along best.

Sam passes the right card across, and Dean reacts to the tarot, but Sam assures him it makes sense. Sam says tarot came about in the early Christian era when priests used magic, and some veered off into darker stuff.

I have tarot cards. I'm not great at them, but they're not dark. That's such a misconception. If you read them right, they're a good guidance when you have doubts. Oh, Sammy, just when I thought we could be friends! Also, the card, if you're wondering, is the Magician.

Sam talks a little of Necromancy, and how to both push death away and cause it too.

Okay, we're friends again. Don't ever touch Necromancy *shudders*

Dean concludes where Sam is going with all this: "So Roy's using black magic to bind the reaper?" Sam says if he is, it's dangerous, like putting a dog lead on a shark. Dean decides they need to stop Roy, and Sam asks how. Dean tells him, he knows. Sam asks what the hell he's talking about, they can't kill Roy. Dean points out that he's playing God, deciding who gets to live, that makes him a monster.

This seems ironic to me. "We have to kill him, I've decided, because he's deciding if other people get to live or not. This validates my decision to kill him." Dean is so complex *drifts off into fangirl world*

Sam says no, they're not going to kill a human. If they do, then they're no better than Roy.

Sam can now be my BFF.

Dean says "Okay, so we can't kill Roy, we can't kill death. Any bright ideas, college boy?"

Sidebar for a spoiler: In season five, Dean tries to kill death.

Sam thinks for a moment, then says they need to find what the binding spell is, and break Roy's hold on the reaper.

The scene cuts to the Impala pulling up outside the tent/reverend's house, where there's another service about to begin. Sam says if they're using a spell, there may be a book, and Dean tells him to try and find it, they have fifteen minutes until the service is meant to start. In the mean time, he'll try to stall Roy.

The protester is outside again, calling Roy a fraud. Dean says to him "Amen, brother." and Sam tells him "You keep up the good work." as they walk past. Sam waits and watches for Roy to leave his house, and then breaks in through a window.

Jared's 6'5", this is hilarious to watch!

He finds a study lined with dusty old books, and he scans until he finds a break in the line of thick dust. He pulls that book out (An encyclopaedia for Christian history) he flicks through and finds nothing, but then discovers a smaller book in the books slot. He pulls it out and flicks through that, where there are pictures of reapers and of the cross, in amongst the old, heavy text. Inside the book is a folded newspaper article, talking about an openly gay teacher, and a local abortion rights activists. The final clipping he finds includes the guy outside, claiming it's a cult. The pictures are of the guy who died for Dean, the jogger we saw die, and the guy outside.

Dean's filing into the tent, when his phone goes off. He picks up, and asks what Sam's got. Sam tells him the victims who are seen as immoral. He tells Dean the next victim, and says he'll try to get to him, but Roy isn't allowed to 'heal' anyone. Dean hangs up and approaches the front of the tent, where Roy is standing, waiting for everyone to file in. Sam is outside, walking amongst the cars, as Layla is called to the front of the tent. Dean catches her on her way to the front and tells her she can't go up there. She asks why not, and he says she can't let Roy heal her. She points out that Roy healed him, and he says if she does, something bad is going to happen, but he can't explain and he just needs her to believe him. She says sorry and goes on, and he tries to call her back.

Outside, Sam hears someone screaming out for help. The protestor is running from the reaper. Sam finds him and asks where the reaper is, and the guy points wildly between cars, though Sam can't see. Meanwhile, Roy is warming up to heal Layla in the tent. Sam runs with the protestor, and in the tent, Dean shouts about the tent being on fire.

This is the sort of thing I love about Dean. He'll commit arson to save people. He's so ham-fisted yet well meaning, compassionate yet logical. Totally loveable.

Dean phones Sam and tells him, as people are leaving, that he did it, he stopped Roy. Sam looks at the protestor (and we finally get his first name! As far as I remember, anyway. He's called David) and tells him he thinks it's okay. David nods at him, then turns and gasps, because the reaper is there still, and starts to take David's life. Sam starts yelling on the phone to Dean that it hasn't worked, the reaper's still there.

It would be real easy to judge Sam for not trying to save David, but he can't see what he's fighting, and he doesn't know how to stop the reaper either. Sam's pretty helpless. More than when Dean was waiting to be carved up by a scarecrow.

Sam screams at Dean that Roy must not be controlling the thing, and Dean asks who the hell is? He looks around the now empty tent, and sees Roy's wife past the makeshift altar, reading something in a hushed whisper. He says her name quickly to Sam, and rushes across the tent. He turns her around and she stops reading, grabs the cross she wears on a necklace and stows it under her coat then screams for help. Dean steps back, looking resigned, as the sheriff grabs him and hauls him out of the tent. Meanwhile, the reaper has left David alone, and he gasps for breath. Sam helps him up.

Outside the tent, Roy's wife, Sue-Ann starts chastising Dean. "I just don't understand. After everything we've done for you, after Roy healed you. I'm just very, very disappointed, Dean." Dean just looks at her, and she tells the sheriff to let him go, she won't press charges. And then she says "The Lord will deal with him as he sees fit." She walks off and the officers threaten him if he comes around there again.

I don't get this bit. Press charges for what? Can the police do that? And do they not understand Dean has bigger issues, because Sue-Ann just promised to make Dean the next victim. Bitch.

They let him go, and he walks into Layla, who asks him how he could do that when it may be her only chance to be healed. Dean tells her he's not a healer, and she points out he healed him. Dean tells her "I know it doesn't seem fair, and I wish I could explain, but Roy is not the answer. I'm sorry." She tells him goodbye, and wishes him luck. He says the same, and under his breath he acknowledges that she deserves it more than him.

That's such a Dean trait, to think he's not worth the same as another person, that's he's worth less, somehow.

He walks past Roy and Sue-Ann talking to Layla's mother, where Roy promises a private session where he'll heal Lala. Sam is also nearby, and they both overhear before heading to the Impala. In the motel room, Sam says to Dean how Roy really believes he has the power to heal. Dean says he doesn't think Roy has any idea what his wife's doing. Sam shows him the book he found in the library, written by an old, dark priest. He tells Dean about the binding spell that traps the reaper. Sam starts listing the things required on an altar necessary for trapping a reaper, and calls it evil. Dean calls it desperate, and reminds Sam that she probably did it when Roy was dying. She started the binding spell to keep the reaper from Roy.

Sam acknowledges that she was literally cheating Death, and Dean starts wondering why she's still using the spell when Roy's alive, and Sam repeats what he said on the phone. To punish the people she thinks are immoral. Dean says "May God save us from half the people who think they're doing God's work."

I love this quote. It's so apt for so many of my experiences. There are some wonderful Christians out there, and there are some people who claim to be religious and act almost to the opposite of everything they preach. Like Sue-Ann, though not as extreme in my experience.

Sam says they need to break the binding spell, and Dean, flipping through the book, says that Sue-Ann had a Coptic cross as well. Once she dropped it, the reaper backed off. Sam asks him if they have to find the cross or destroy the altar, and Dean says, probably both, but whatever they do it has to be soon because Layla's being healed that night.

That night, they pull up to the tent, where the sheriff's car is parked outside. Sam spots Layla's car as well. Dean says if Layla had been picked instead of him she'd be healed already. Sam tells him not to say it.

This will forever interest me. For someone who refused to have a 'chick flick' moment in the pilot, Dean has a few touchy-feely moments that make Sam deeply uncomfortable. I think it's part of the warping of their relationship, where Dean's a mother as well as a brother and Sam feels especially helpless when Dean - who's provided so much for Sam since they were small - goes down these worthless routes. But Dean never had anyone to big him up, he didn't have Sam's self-confidence, he was traumatised to lose his mother and his father put upon him endlessly. He only had a handful of people, his whole life, who didn't treat him as second best. He's bound to have a complex.

Dean continues by saying if she's not healed, she'll die soon, and Sam tells him that yes, it's horrible what Layla's going through, but does someone else have to die to save her? "You said it yourself, Dean. You can't play God." They get out of the car and approach the tent, ducking in to look as Roy gathers them around. Dean asks where Sue-Ann is, and Sam says, the house. As they go, Dean tells Sam to go in, he'll catch up, as the sheriffs leave the house. Dean calls for their attention, asking if they'll put the fear of God in him as promised. They start running after him, and Sam runs up to the house, looking for somewhere to break in. The sheriff's lose Dean as Sam finds the storm doors to the basement.

Dean stands up from where he's been hiding, and a dog in a caravan starts barking like crazy, calling attention to him, and the sheriffs come running again. They miss Dean again, and walk off, missing where Dean is squatting on top of the caravan. In the basement, Sam finds the altar, which is set up with a picture of Dean printed from the CCTV camera. There's a red cross made in blood across his face, in amongst all the dark artefacts. As Sam picks the picture up, Sue-Ann tells him she gave his brother life, and she can take it away. Sam tips over the table in response, and makes for the storm doors, which she shuts from the outside, and starts telling him how the lord chose her to reward the good and punish the bad. That Dean is wicked and Layla is good and it's obvious Dean needs to die for her. Sam finds a blunt hammer and uses it to break some of the wooden panelling around the side of the house, freeing himself that way.

In the tent, Roy take's Layla's mom's hand, asking her to pray with him, and starts his healing ritual. As he does so, the lights outside near Dean begin to go off, and he turns, seeing the reaper approach. Outside the tent, Sue-Ann is clutching the cross and reciting the latin spell, trying to control the reaper. The reaper grabs Dean's head, beginning to suck the life out of him, and he collapses, yelling, as Layla kneels in the tent. Sam goes running up to Sue-Ann, grabbing the cross from her hand and throwing it to the ground, where it smashes, the blood that was inside spilling out. The reaper lets go of Dean, and inside the tent, Roy takes his hand from Layla, saying he doesn't understand. Layla says she feels no different.

Sue-Ann screeches at Sam, demanding to know what he's done, as Roy calls for her, unsure of what's happening. Sue-Ann sees the reaper outside, who smiles, and waits until she turns to run before reappearing beside her, holding her head and draining her of life. Sam watches her die, and then walks away. He meets Dean at the car and asks if he's okay. Dean tells him it was a hell of a week, before they climb back into the car. Back at the motel, Sam notices Dean moping and asks what's up. Dean asks if they did the right thing and Sam says of course. Dean says it doesn't feel like it. There's a knock at the door, which Sam goes to answer, and Layla's there. Sam lets her in, and Dean asks how she knew where they were. She says Sam called and told her Dean wanted to say goodbye. Sam lies and says he's going to get a drink.

If I know Dean like I think I know Dean, sexy time ensues.

If i know the CW like I think I know the CW, sexy times will not have screen time, we'll just have to infer it after the conversation.

Like every Dean/Cas interaction.

Layla asks where they're going next. Dean says he doesn't know, wherever the work takes them. Layla says she went back to see Roy, and Dean asks what happened. She says nothing, and Dean nods, saying sorry. Layla goes on to say that Sue-Ann died of a stroke. Dean says he heard, and Roy's a good man, he didn't deserve that. Then he says "Must be rough. To believe in something so much and have it disappoint you like that."

He's such a squishy little teddy bear!

She smiles, and asks if he wants to hear something weird. He nods, and she tells him that she's okay. That you can't just have faith when the miracles happen. You need to have it all the time. He asks her what now, and she tells him God works in mysterious ways.

Referring to their meet-cute. Awwwwwh!

She says goodbye, and he tells her he's not the praying type, but he'll pray for her. She calls that a miracle in itself before she leaves. 

And that's the end of the episode. That's gearing up for so much, because faith and a variation of Christian lore will hit big time and never leave, soon enough. And I'm so sorry that it took me forever to do!

Monday 7 July 2014

*sigh*

I've been having one of those moments, the last few days, where I feel really wearied by humanity in general. Like, I don't understand people, at all. I'm trying not to be antisocial, though I'd really like to become a hermit for a few days and pretend people don't exist, but it is freaking difficult.

So if you're wondering where I am … I'm in the online version of that box, pretty much.

Tuesday 24 June 2014

Asylum series, part four: Misha

So, as I've already said before, I was fortunate enough to win a place in Misha's coffee lounge on Saturday morning. I remember seeing Natalie there, and then I was talking to someone who turned out to be my friend Holly (I felt so dumb when we realised we'd been talking for ages online!) and there was maybe about twelve other people, a few who I recognised, most who I didn't. A lot of age ranges too, from sixteen to sixty. It was pretty freaking cool.

I don't think anyone knew what to expect. We'd heard that sometimes he plays twister or musical chairs, other random stuff like that, but when he came in, he just sat down and started chatting. That's all our forty-five minutes was, just sitting and chilling and talking. You could hear the hubbub of the madness outside and in our room, even though it was warm there was a door open with a nice breeze and it was just so chilled out. It sounds bizarre, but even though he's someone I admire, it felt more like a chat with an old friend in a coffee shop, it was so laid back and the conversation jumped around so much. I don't know if I'm the only one who felt that way (and in retrospect, I may have talked too much, but there were a few moments where it could have been an awkward silence and I had something to contribute so I'm trying not to feel so bad?) but it made the weekend a little easier to deal with, knowing we could just kick back for that period of time, instead of rushing around and overheating in the panel room or the corridors outside.

So, what did we talk about? So many things. He asked us if we had any questions, and asked us some questions. We talked about the failed back door pilot for the spin off and what our thoughts were on that. He gave some advice to Natalie on acting, which she wants to pursue. We talked about the cooking show he does with his son, and his plans for the summer. GISHWHES and Random Acts came up, and we talked about past challenges and how that was shaping this year. It'll sound weird, but it felt like we were talking to Misha-the-person, not Misha-the-persona. It didn't feel like he was putting on an act.

Like, when we were discussing bloodlines, we asked him to be honest with his opinion on it, and he said that we knew he couldn't be completely honest because it would get him into trouble (ha!) whichever way he answered, and then he asked us what was wrong with it and we said it felt like they were trying to make it Supernatural-meets-the-Vampire-Diaries and it didn't gel well, and we couldn't get along with the characters, we'd rather see a character we already knew in the spin-off.

He was pretty open with his plans though, he said after Asylum he was visiting a friend in Amsterdam and was looking forward to it because he'd never been to Amsterdam. And from there he was doing Jus In Bello in Italy, going back to LA for a day and then he and his wife were talking their kids on a 400-mile bike ride through Montana (which I think is where they are now?) and that they'd recently done a practice run for about 45 minutes and they screamed for about 20, so he's got high hopes for their trip.

He told us about this extra in the penultimate episode of season nine (after checking we were all up to date, despite not having any channels showing it over here, then telling us we were all doing something illegal, lol, he didn't care though!) who was supposed to just walk out of the scene with all the other extras, but insisted on stopping by a desk and sorting out her coat and bag, and how annoying she was. And that led to him talking about a series of shorts he wrote with his wife and a friend and how the cameramen walked out near the end and they had to put the cameras on sandbags to finish the shoot.

He's such a funny, warm guy. I wish that forty-five minutes was still going on, if that makes sense? I would love to meet him again and chill out like it.

I can't think of much more he said, which is really bad! I know he mentioned Jared and Jensen torturing him, and West acting more and more like Vicki … but you know what? Everything else I might remember … I'm going to save for me and the other people in that room. If I haven't already blabbed it to you anyway. I know, I know, such a cop-out, right? Sorry :(

Monday 23 June 2014

Routine apology thread

Sorry, like I said in my other post, I've felt a bit burnt out with writing lately. I still have half a recap sitting in drafts, still need to continue the Asylum posts, which I think I have about three more to cover? And I'm planning on another type of thread pattern soon.

Do I have any news from the last couple of weeks, since my last post? Well:

-I'm going to Asylum 13 and Asylum 14. I'm very excited to get to meet, among others, Jim Beaver, Matt Cohen, DJ Qualls, Gil McKenney and Richard Speight Junior.

-Sales are going well, but the air con on mens is broken. It is too damn hot to work in, I swear!

-I'll be doing GISHWHES this year, Misha's worldwide scavenger hunt. It's going to be crazy good. I should book the time off work …

-I've commissioned some artwork! A girl I met through the Asylum convention does these cute cartoons she calls Chibi Village and I've paid for her to draw some of my characters, so I have some kind of visual reference. I might post a picture when she's finished with them, but that's going to take a few weeks.

-Sarah-Jane and I went to see The Fault In Our Stars, based on the John Green book. She liked the book. I did not. But we both seemed okay about the film. More on that later ;)

-I got a few comments on one of my fanfics from this person, and I thought they were basically telling me my work was shit. So I messaged them saying I was sorry they didn't like it and gave the reasons why I wrote the thing in the first place and they messaged back saying no, it's funny, they've just promoted it on some group I've never heard of before, and that got me a few more comments and it was kind of cool chatting to them. I've got a message in my fan fiction inbox waiting right now, from them, should answer it but I'm tired, so it'll happen in the morning.

-I've been doing a paint-by-numbers. I know, that's lame, it's not a real skill, yadda yadda yadda. I find it relaxing, and it's nice to get the muscle memory going in my hands from being that type of creative. I miss making art, but I don't have the fire in my belly to improve the craft and lo, it's wilting terribly. I need to stop coming on the computer and spending forever writing 500 words like I am right now.

Hope you enjoyed that little update in my life! Until next time!

Tuesday 10 June 2014

Block

I have a serious case of writer's block. Like, I'm not into any of my projects now. I think there's a few reasons for this, ones I don't want to go into, and a couple that I do.

Firstly, like I said in my optimism thread (weird place to put it, I know) I was doing thousands of words in a day. I did nearly 200k in the 100k in 100 days challenge. My weekly average was 12k. Then I did the convention, and above reasons happened, and I think I burnt out.

But also, I think it's because one of these projects is for my writing group. We're doing a Christmas anthology for 7-12 year olds. This is the first time they'll see my writing. The deadline is Saturday. Before today, after two writing sessions (seriously!) I had 292 words. I've done 379 today in an hour. I once did 1200 in a half hour sprint! I think I'm finding it difficult because hey, the weather outside is beautiful and I'm writing about Christmas, and I'm not sure whether the piece will work for the group/the target audience, and people will be paying to read this and it's been done in a few weeks, instead of several years like my Uprooted series. I have to meet 2k with this story and I'm not confident I'll hit anywhere near the target. Also, this isn't like my stories where I've planned and planned and planned, this has pretty much been a pantser story. As in, writing by the seat of my pants.

Sarah-Jane brainstormed with me last week to get a resolution to the story, which I love, but I think it's going to need a lot of work and we'll only have so many edit options.

I think it's bleeding through to my other projects as well. Maybe this blog post (which has taken me ten minutes and is already more than I've written today, dammit!) will help with inspiration for any one of them, but I think there's more to it than that. Maybe the guest post I'll be writing for Sarah-Jane's book blog (which hopefully I could post here too) will also help me figure stuff out? We'll see.

Sunday 8 June 2014

Asylum series, part three: Sunday

Forgive me if I seem distracted, season seven is showing on TV right now. Dean's on trial with Osiris. He has guilt issues.

Anyway, so Sunday! We got there in time to pick up our pictures before going into the panel room for Misha and Jared's joint panel. I remember doing the conga on the way into the panel room? And somehow I ended up sitting next to Annie and her husband, who was rocking a kilt, which was pretty awesome. There were some schedule changes, and then Misha and Jared were late for their panel.

And then Misha showed … and Jared was still late. Misha fielded a couple of questions before Jared came in. Jared said Misha had promised to wait for him, turned around to do something, went back and Misha had already left … ha! They were so funny together, and at one point Jared ended up on the floor laughing his overgrown ass off, because two little girls had stepped up to the microphone and the older sister picked the little sister up and donked her head on the microphone. Jared wet himself! We also heard some of the ways Jared and Jensen torture Misha on a regular basis, including Jared randomly deciding to stow fish in Misha's car, and how they screwed with him so badly they got thrown out of their own show, just so Misha could film his parts. I love hearing about stuff like that, seeing how strong their bond is even if it sounds like they're tormenting each other. Some video evidence:



Link to Jared on the floor laughing because YouTube isn't playing ball

I went to the loo after their panel, and left my phone behind accidentally, klutz that I am. I went back to get it, and the girls in my row said they'd handed it in. And, okay, this used to be my lock screen:



I totally ship Destiel, did you not get that already? Well, anyway, after seeing the messages that came up when someone lost their wallet, I'm glad I changed my lock screen to this the night before:

(Fangirl moment! Me and Misha! Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh! Although, my arm looks weird in that picture)

Because when I went up to ask about it, they pressed the button, held it up to my face and asked if I was sure it was mine. Cheeky! But a lot better than reading jokey comments about the manip.

I think my first picture was  Misha and Jared's double photo, where Jared took the piss out of me (thanks, Jared!) but I got another hug from Misha, so win ;)

I got my morning autographs, from people like Ty Olsson, Osric Chau, AJ Buckley, Gabriel Tigerman, Adam Harrington … it was pretty awesome. I went back in the panel room and saw some of Misha's second solo panel, and I went straight from there to my picture with Seb Roche, and then I went to see Gabe and Tyler's panel, which Adam was in as well. Oh my God, the three of them were hysterical. And it was so cool to see three actors who had minor roles and see how the show influenced their lives, how accepted they were by the convention crowd. They were amazing!

I next caught some of Ty's panel, where he got choked up because he got on the subject of his kids, and he asked for Seb, so Seb invaded, being completely wrong and funny and destroying all good things like Disney. He also got this girl - who I've spoken to since and is amazing - called Rachel to sing Let It Go as he ran around the room. She was so good, we gave her a standing ovation. If you want to watch, I'm sure she won't mind me doing this:



I believe after that I queued for my Osric picture? Seb was a sweetheart, but oh my goodness, Osric! I asked for him to dip me, like in a cheesy romance sort of thing, and he was game for it, and we started to do it and then the photographer said something about we had to move over, so he kind of shuffled me along, still holding onto me. It wasn't good for my fangirl levels. I kinda hate that picture though, I wasn't ready when they took it and I have a major double chin. But Osric was such a sweetie … I gave him a thank-you hug as I walked off, I'm sure I pissed him off!

I went back to the vendor's room, talked to Amanda Tapping's foundation girls, spoke with Will for a bit, said hi to the Random Acts ladies and signed up to do a short video they were making, talking about kind acts. I talked about the people who had donated blood for me, and the fundraising I participated in now as a thank you. Those ladies are so sweet!

After that, I got my final few autographs, from Mark S, Misha, Seb and Tyler. I think Tyler was in that slot? Not remembering that too well, I remember deciding to buy his autograph and then going up to get it and realising he was flirting with his minder. I was like 'ohhhh, I'll leave you two alone then!' *big wink* he was so cool! And I gave Misha the pooping dinosaur books for West but my TTP brain was in full force by then and I messed up, telling him he could read them with Misha, tit that I am. He was clearly tired too by then, but I was going 'oh my god, sorry, West!' as he corrected me, but it was cool and he said West loved Christmas and poop so he was sure he'd enjoy them. Even if that wasn't true, I really appreciated the effort. Misha put in so much effort with all the fans.

Then it was time for the closing ceremony, and the last few minutes of Amanda's panel, and a quick run to get the Seb and Osric photographs before the long drive home. It was even longer because numbnuts here forgot to print return instructions and went all the way to Oxford before she corrected herself!

And that was the weekend, pretty much. I feel really hazy about the order of things from Sunday, for some reason? Also, those youtube videos are not mine, so if you want to claim them, let me know and I'll tag them, or remove them if that's what you want as well.

Next post will be about the coffee lounge, which will probably be muddled up because well, this is me ;) I hope you're ready for a full blast of Misha Fangirling!

Saturday 7 June 2014

Optimism

The last few weeks have completely sucked. I don't think it's going to end for a while, but I made a promise to myself when I left McDonald's that I would embrace the positives in life, even when inside it fucking hurts. And at the moment, though it doesn't feel like it, there are a lot of positives. Like:

-When I last weighed myself, I was 11 stone, 7 pounds. This is the halfway mark of my target. Yes, it was slower than I anticipated, but I'm feeling healthier than ever. My physical body matches the way I picture myself more. It's giving me a lot more confidence. I take that as a win.

-When re-reading Departed, and seeing it was as bad as it felt at the time, I surprised myself by really liking the ending. It's a letter from Carter to Lambrini, and he's talking about a lot of the issues that come up through the book and kind of pushes towards the third one and apart from typos, there's nothing I would change about it. At least, for now.

-I have the UCLH bike ride tomorrow, my second year doing it. 7 miles across hills, seeing deer, raising money to help others who get shat on by this condition … and this time I have a bike that can go up an incline.

-I actually had a Saturday off (thank you, Lydia!) and not just a Saturday off where I got called in, but an actual, bonafide, Saturday off. I took the boy shopping because he's had a growth spurt, and after £106 in Primark, he has new trousers, new shirts, some PJs, pants and socks, two new pairs of shoes, a hat and sunglasses. And a lot of marvel themed crap. And now I have to go through the explosion of clothes in his room and throw out anything aged under 5. And yeah, he's still in 5-6 clothes when he's seven in two months.

-I'll be doing GISHWES this year, which I'm excited about. No idea what to expect! I'm in a team of about 8 other people, so there's still room in our group. It starts on my mum's birthday, so that may get a teeny bit messy :/ I'm so behind GISHWES, and RandomActs, and any crazy idea Misha has. Follow those links, you'll see why he's a hero of mine.

-Speaking of which, I have met several of my heroes, including Misha, and had no bad experiences. That's pretty awesome, especially when people recommend you don't meet your heroes because they may disappoint you. I've been very lucky, in that regard.

-I'm getting back into the flow of writing, slowly. I think there's a few reasons why I haven't been doing it so much lately - I haven't balanced it with other things the way I normally do, I've overloaded myself with work and other commitments, I haven't taken the time to step back, step away and process like I normally do. I burnt myself out a little, trying to completely thrash my yearly writing goal. I'm trying not to feel bad if I don't hit 1k a day. I won't be doing July's Camp NaNo. Even if I could set my goal at 5k for the month … it's just too much on top of all my commitments. I'm still learning where I need to balance everything, I guess. It's a long lesson.

-I went to a parents evening this week about Noah, and heard he's on target for writing but would be much further if he just got his ideas down on paper because he has amazing ideas and just doesn't get them down. His teacher said she gets frustrated because she wants to know what's going to happen and Noah won't commit to the ending. But he's started writing stories at home, so maybe he'll develop it more (yes, I'm ridiculously proud that he's so creative). He's also a level above where he should be for maths and three above where he should be for reading. My obsessive reading to him has had an impact ;) we're nearly out of Roald Dahl books now, going to try for David Walliams books next, they're meant to be really good.

That's not all of my positives, but that's all I can think of for now.

Tuesday 3 June 2014

Asylum Series part 2: Saturday

I'd just like to preface this and say, because I didn't in my last post, that after a few laughably irrelevant comments I'd received on my Destiel post (and for some reason, the first one of these) I've turned comment moderation on. I didn't want to, because I don't get many comments on this blog (mainly because what, five people read it? Except for the Destiel post that I did whore out a little, obviously) and I'd been asked to turn off that 'prove you're not a robot' crap I did have because one of my friends who did want to comment was too lazy for that. I'll probably turn it off soon enough, but for now, that's the way I'm keeping it.

Anyway, so Saturday! We queued up and then filed into the room we'd been in for the tube station party, which during the day was the panel room. Misha's panel was up first, after a quick opening ceremony, but first they announced the raffle winners they'd had so far for the coffee lounges. I'd joked before that sod's law, I would get Jared and Misha's coffee lounges on the Saturday (they were on at the same time) but I didn't expect to win, at all. There were around 1,500 fans there, and about 15 spots in each lounge. But I won Misha's one. Which I was shocked about but psyched too, because Misha is, as I said in the Destiel post, a bit of a hero of mine. The girl next to me also won, so we went together to pay for the lounge in the vendors room, and when we were in the room, paying, Misha walked through to talk to his charity. A few girls did freak out a little, but I wasn't. I know that sounds strange, but for me the whole thing felt really surreal? I did check for the Jared lounge too, because sod's law may have been in effect, but I was a few numbers out. Which is probably lucky, because that one was £120! Misha by comparison was £50. I know, ouch.

Anyway, we got back in the panel room and the opening ceremony was already over, and Misha came on stage, being the crazy, yet wonderful, yet intelligent person he is. And despite that, it's kinda when things ballsed up a bit. They had screens either side of the stage so that showed a close up of what was on stage for those of us too far back to see. They also used those screens to announce when people were supposed to go, in group order, for their pictures and autographs. It started okay, announcing Amanda's photos (and when all the upgrades at the front stood up for it, Misha called them all Destiel-haters, haha!) and it went from group F to final calls, instead of all the alphabet. I think everyone panicked, because after Misha's panel everyone kind of freaked!

Anyway, because of the way the schedule was fitted out, with the lounge and all, I went to get my photo with Misha first, where I told him I'd be at the lounge and he totally bluffed a 'looking forward to it' before insisting on a big hug, like he was doing to everyone. He's a good hugger ;) and then I went to the lounge room, where I started talking with a girl who interrupted after five seconds to ask if I was me, and it turned out to be Holly, a girl I've befriended on the page who's trying to write a modern version of Game of Thrones. I've read two chapters, and about four people have already, very graphically died. One of them twice. She's gruesome, and awesome! My friend Natalie was also there, who I'd spoken to at dinner the night before, and the girl I'd sat with in the Misha panel, so it was cool knowing other people who were in the room.

I'll talk more about the lounge in another post, but it was seriously cool. After the photo op I was starting to get excited, and after about ten minutes in the room I was feeling seriously chilled out. Like the nervous excitement that had barely started had gone. I know Holly's been looking back since and thinking she opened mouth and inserted foot a few times, which makes me sad because she looks up to him too. I've tried reassuring her that it wasn't as bad as she thinks, but it can be hard when someone's formed a negative opinion to convince them that there's a positivity there (and now I feel like I'm repeating a conversation I had with someone this morning over a negative perception about someone) but I hope in time, she can look over it and think it wasn't so bad, and maybe Misha was teasing her. She said in her autograph and photograph he was jokey and friendly as well, so I think maybe her nerves got the better of her. I hope, anyway.

So, after the lounge, it was the end of Mark Sheppard's photo session, and I admit, Holly and I played the system a little. We said someone by our lounge had said it was okay for us to go in after the lounge, some random mythical steward (the official line was we got our photos first, then the lounge, but they were running behind at the time and someone who had tried to follow it missed the lounge, and when Misha heard that he was like 'she's coming to tomorrow's one then, right?' like it wasn't even an option that she'd miss out) and they let us straight in. Everyone was kinda screwing up the system, it meant way too many people were milling around, but also that everyone was missing the panels to panic. Whoops. After that, we filed in for Jared's panel, which was freaking awesome. He's everything people say he is and more. Even though he'd been in London, then Paris, then New York for two days, then back in London, he was full of energy and jokes and he was such a cool guy.

It was about lunchtime, so I went to get my Baby photo, and then we heard from Hayl where Jared was doing his autographs. We started queuing up, but then an op came up that both Hayl and I had, so we went to find out what was going on with that, but they finally started trying to control people by groups. And then Hayl decided she was going to get some autographs and I realised I meant to buy a book from a vendor I'd been chatting to for my autos, so I went to the vendors room instead. It was busy, but I managed to get the book I'd fallen in love with online and agreed with the guy, Will, to come back and chat when it was less busy. And then I saw the line for Jared was seriously short, and bumped into the girl from the panel room/Misha lounge and we queued together for our autographs. She was telling me how she had no interest in her RE exam for GCSE so applied every answer to Sam and Dean. Love it!

I was a complete dork, and bought a couple of books for Misha and Jared's kids, Tom and West, so when Jared did my autograph I gave him the copies … I got them the pooping dinosaur books. Jared looked at them like 'what the fuck are these' but he took it pretty well. His minder was talking them up, so thank you Rogue Worker who loves those books too! He was like 'Guess I'm reading about dinosaur poop tonight, thanks.' lol, I love the sarcasm.

So after that, I went to check on the queue for the photo I mentioned early, with AJ Buckley (the guy who retweeted my Ghostfacers comment a few weeks ago) and the queue was low so I got in, and did an awesome Ghostfacers pose with him and Travis, who was on the phone. AJ was so chilled out, he was awesome! On my way back, I bumped into one of the Hannah's, and we sat there talking for a while with someone I think was called Christina, about the day so far and our experiences with the other fans and it was pretty cool to bump into her and chat. She looks scarily like someone I used to work with, which threw me off a little, but otherwise, I love her no-nonsense attitude.

I think next I went to get some autographs, which included being one of the ones who told Mark Pellegrino when the hell he was meant to be doing his photo ops, which kept getting moved! My memory is hazy as to whether I got my picture with Jared next, or my picture with him, but they were my last two pictures. And at the end of the day, three of my pictures (Misha, Mark S and Baby) were ready, so I picked those up, and then we went back to our hotel for food and to 'have an early night' (I can't do them, I seriously can't!)

And that was, in essence, my Saturday! I'll probably write up my Sunday on Thursday, which is my next day off. That cool? Cool!