Siobhan's Sporking: Billy And Me, Chapter 27

So, it’s Christmas Eve (or, in the words of my friend Cat, Christmas Adam) and we have two more chapters and a Q&A to go. I am so obviously going to end up publishing this on Christmas Day, so Merry Christmas, people!

I admit, I’ve already finished, and the thing that got me the most was who pushed Giovanna to write. It still does not compute. Here’s a clue: I mentioned this author, and said she was superior, and went into why. My friend Julie knows this author. So, apparently, does Giovanna. Does not compute.

Anyway, Chapter twenty-seven! Here we go people!

It starts by fast-forwarding to the opening of the shop, and we have some wonderfully clunky description. Oh Gi, stick with it!

Inside, it looks relatively the same as before, although it’s been spruced up with a lick of paint and there’s now a big cabinet made of weathered white wood against one of the far walls, where some of the home-made gifts are displayed.

So it’s all the same, except obviously different. You know, every so often, my new work will have a sale, and we have to put all these green banners up. There’s not many, maybe three per shelf? And the shop always looks so different, and when they go away again, the shop looks naked. And she’s talking about a different paint scheme all over the interior and how it looks the same.

As ever, eat me, Giovanna.

Sophie explains about the cabinet in detail, but I’m not impressed. There are heart-shaped blackboards. Some of Sophie’s favourite books (all three of them! And I bet she didn’t make those …) and she has a sign on them saying ‘devour me’. So now she’s ruined Alice In Wonderland, and Lydia gets to hate her too. Sophie explains people can basically use these books like you would a library (putting Mummy out of her job?) while they eat and slop coffee and cake crumbs between the leaves (shuddering already) … why would she put these things in the same place as salable items? It’s confusing.

Sophie moans she hasn’t included flowers, and she’s sad about that. It already sounds like an eclectic mess, Giovanna, you don’t need to make Sophie want to make it worse. Would people get to devour the flowers too? Rose petals used to be a delicacy.

Anyway, both Sophie and Giovanna continue to live in a dream world, deciding to make a huge production over re-opening the shop. I’m sure the only people who actually care are the old ladies, and Janet’s little gang. And sorry, isn’t this giving Sophie extra attention? FFS, stick to your characterisation! There’s been no proof to show she’s grown to like the attention, past her stupid tantrums when Billy was being fawned over.

So, here I am, standing outside the shop, with the new sign above me covered up for its grand unveiling, which will be the first noticeable difference the villagers will see in the shop. In front of me I’ve laid out a huge table, which is laden with cakes of all shapes and sizes, as well as dozens of big teapots, for everybody to help themselves to – at first, I thought I might’ve been being too hopeful and made too much, but now, as a crowd has started to gather, I’m slightly worried that I might run out of it all rather quickly.

That whole paragraph is two sentences. Ouch! Run on sentences like that imply the character is talking fast, I use it a lot when my characters get emotional, or they’re reaching for words. Sophie’s just describing shit. And there’s some horrible grammar in there. ‘In front of me I’ve laid out a huge table’? ‘been being too hopeful’? Double ouch. But of course, everyone suddenly loves Shut-in Sophie.

She describes the crowd, and then her mother and Colin come up, asking if she’s ready. Dunno what for, since there’s been no hint so far, and all she’s done is describe setting up cake and not-cake things. People are already eating and drinking and taking advantage of her freebies and laughing at her for her poor cost control. And we see another line that makes me think Sophie is a world-class bitch.

I’ve always liked Colin, but over the last few weeks he has proven himself invaluable. His help has been priceless. I’ve enjoyed getting to know him a little bit better and understanding why there has been such a huge change in Mum. I have a lot of time for him.

I know this is supposed to read as Sophie accepting her mother moving on, but it really reads like ‘I like Colin because he gives me free shit and I therefore deign to speak to him’. Spoilt bitch.

Anyway, it turns out her mother was prompting her to make a speech. She starts to, and it’s insipid at best, and since it’s Sophie:

“ … I’m so sorry it’s taken me a while to pluck up the courage to do this but-“
I stop as a lump forms in my throat, threatening blubs if I continue. I look down at the ground in front of me and clench my jaw as I try to take hold of myself and my emotions.
“Go on Sophie! We’re right behind you!” shouts a merry Mrs Sleep from the crowd, sparking further cheers of support.

Attention-seeker.

Sophie smiles at the crowd, and recognizes they’ve always been there for her (even those who ignored her at school?) and then she can magically continue with her speech. She actually says some nice things about Molly, in the penultimate chapter (I guess better late than never?) and then unveils the new name of the teashop. It’s no longer Tea-On-The-Hill, it’s Molly-On-The-Hill. Makes no sense, is creepy, and pathetic … it’s so Sophie.

Of course, I’m alone in this opinion:

As the sheet falls I hear a number of surprised gasps from the crowd.
“Oh my!” says Mrs Sleep.
“Woooow!” says Janet. “It’s beautiful!”
Miss Brown is the first to start the clapping, which spreads across the group.
“To Molly!” shouts Mum.“To Molly!” we all chorus back, holding our teacups and cakes up to the heavens.

Yuck. Oh well, one more chapter, the Q&A and then I summarise. The summary will appear on Goodreads. I’m thinking of what books to do next, and I think I’m going to tackle Stephanie Perkins sister-books: Anna And The French Kiss, Lola And The Boy Next Door (the last book I was slating, Lydia!) and Isla And The Happily Ever After. Stupid names, poor clichés and storylines that don’t last the entire book, bet you can hardly wait, huh?