Feeling down

So, I think a couple of posts ago I was thinking of this situation I'm in, and for the last few weeks I've managed to avoid it, but it feels like it's rearing its ugly head again, so I'm going to blab on about it on here and see if I feel any less rubbish as a result.

I've talked on here (relentlessly) about my health issues as I try and sound them out, and cope with them. It feels like my doctors are finally taking it seriously, now I'm in the position of feeling light-headed nearly constantly.

They do limit what I can do as a mother. I'm not the mum who goes and takes my boy to the park, or plays games with him all the time. Sometimes I'm the mum who can barely move out of bed but I do because seeing my boy is important to me. On my worst days, I sit in the front room and just try to be near him while he plays, looking at him when he's close, trying to listen when he talks endlessly about his passions. On my worst days, I can't follow him, I pick up words and the general gist but it all goes over my head.

I know I'm lucky, still living with my parents, having them help out. It took them a while to realise that it's always going to have an effect ("Siobhan, I think you have fatigue, but I don't think it's chronic" "I've had it for seven years" *speechless response*) but throughout, they've always helped when I'm feeling weak, made suggestions to keep him entertained that are low impact for me, given me reminders when I needed them ("he has swimming on Mondays, not Tuesday now") - I am grateful for everything.

But I'm not the only one who lives at home still. And those who do can see my struggling, can see when I'm sitting on the sofa with a heat pad and a glazed look on my face because sitting upright is hard for me. I thought they understood just as much.

I'm not the only one in my family who has issues, but where I can be sensitive to them, I am. I thought that I had a good relationship with all my siblings, but I found out recently that I was wrong. That the sister I thought I was closest to can't stand me.

She said some really shitty things. Things that are unacceptable normally, but then throwing in all my problems and ... it was such a slap in the face (which is ironic, because as they were leaving her mouth, I slapped her in the face)

And now my parents have gone away, to visit my cousins halfway around the world - one of them is getting married - and it's just us in the house. I would be finding it tough anyway, to do ten days without support. I'm on the least amount of hours possible at work to balance it all, and make sure boy is always looked after, but that doesn't mean I find it easy to do all the cooking and washing and remembering the schedule all by myself. I would cope with it, however, if she wasn't there, ignoring me, acting like neither of us exist. She was the one saying the unforgivable stuff, how am I the one feeling this awful over it all? This isn't like falling out with a friend where you have a difference of opinion but still love each other and know you'll get past it, this is something I don't think I've ever experienced before. She blamed me for things that other people have done or said, and then acted like I was the bitch for pointing out it wasn't me, that she shouldn't be judging me without judging everyone who has actually upset her. My mum's reassured me that she was venting on me, and I could take that, if she hadn't crossed a major line.

Because as a mum, you worry constantly if you're good enough. You have the whole world, at some point or another, making a judgement call on how well you do. And when you suffer from a chronic condition and struggle with the basics but make sure there is a decent support system in place, you feel it even more. I feel guilty all the time for not being the mum to go to the park, or play Minecraft alongside the boy (I've been finding screens difficult lately, the brightness and the motion together sets off my dizzy spells). To have someone you love say that you're a neglectful mother when you already feel like you don't give your kid enough but do your best despite your obstacles ... I don't know a bigger stab in the back than that.

Writing tired

So, part of what I've been doing while not blogging is working out what's wrong with me. Aside from the obvious - looking back on past posts where I've mentioned being fatigued or otherwise sick, talking to people who have a condition whose symptoms I seem to match almost exactly - I drew the conclusion a while ago that it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I have visited the doctors (when I can grab the time off work, and it's in the week, and the doctors actually give me a frigging appointment, and I'm not so fatigued I can't even) but I get the feeling my regular GP doesn't believe in it. Awks.

Anyway, I have tried to keep on top of writing, even though I find it difficult. I was rereading something I wrote recently, and I could see when I was writing tired. There were so many silly mistakes, stuff spelled correctly that made no sense (he got up at walked of, for instance) because when I get tired my fingers jump over the keyboard and the scenes that are in my head won't turn off and ugh, I hate feeling so shitty all the time. I hate that it's so evident in the stuff I'm writing and I haven't caught it before. I think I always need a beta.

Bye bye

So, I don't know how many people read either this blog or my blog that had the second draft of my YA, but I will put this on here anyway. I've deleted as much of the other blog as is possible, so Uprooted is no longer on here.

It's not for any negative reason. I originally posted it to welcome beta readers to go through it and correct it as they saw it needed it. I knew it needed a lot of work.

But a few months ago, I went with Sarah-Jane to YALC at LFCC, and we had the opportunity to speak to an agent one-on-one. I know Sarah-Jane talked about her plotline and the agent was really enthusiastic, but with mine we talked more about technical stuff, about what I could do with a series if I'm trying to sell it. Her advice matched things I had heard at the Essex Book Festival Writer's Day last year, and things that I have heard other writers I admire say about their publishing process. So I need to really overhaul the entire story in order to meet the parameters they're setting in order for it to be publishable.

So for NaNo this year, I'm going back to the drawing board for Lamb and Carter. I'm currently thinking about what is important for THEM in the story, with the themes etc I would like in there. What can stay and what can be thrown away.

Because as a writer, you do get precious about your creations and your characters. Sometimes I think it can be a major hinderance. You can't be precious about every element. You have to pick your battles. If a sub-plot is damaging to the overall point of the story, then there's no need for the sub-plot. The last few fanfics I've written have given me some great practice with writing a story that stands alone and focuses on the main agenda, so I'm hoping that this will help me go ahead with Lamb and Carter's story, even if I have to strip a lot away. And just because the story is getting stripped, it doesn't mean I no longer care for it. I care for it more than ever, I miss Lamb and Carter so much. But it's because I care about doing their story justice that I'm determined to do whatever it takes to get it right.

back to blog

Hi blog, how've you been doing? I've been missing you a lot lately. What've I been up to? Well ... maybe in the next few entries I'll manage to cover everything.

I went to YALC a couple of months ago, got talking to an agent. She gave me some good advice on how to tweak Uprooted but it means a complete rewrite. I think it'll help in the long run though. I miss writing Lamb and Carter, but I don't regret the break from them because what I've been doing with my fanfiction is really great prep work for the advice the agent gave me.

I've been working a lot, doing conventions, spending time with Boy, thinking about booktubing. Currently I'm moving into my brother's old room so when I'm done and set up I can start :)

I'll go into this more another day, I'm sure. I have to go back to work after my break now. But we'll talk later, right?

mental health

So, as you all know by now, I don't have great mental health, a result of my body being starved of oxygen from poor blood flow and partially collapsed lungs way back when I had TTP. Sometimes, I think I can cope with day-to-day stuff despite it, but increasingly I'm feeling like it's really limiting me, or holding me back.


Even the most simple tasks can escape me, be too challenging or just not occur to me. Things like getting my son ready for school, or doing a simple laundry load, I need encouragement or assistance by my parents still.


I'm not trying to moan, or make people feel sorry for me. I just feel so frustrated by it all, and out of my depth for things that should be commonplace. I remember when I first went into remission, I was determined to beat it, to make what happened a footnote that I would barely remember. But sometimes, it's the only thing I remember. I'm learning - very slowly - just how big an effect this has had, how ling it will continue to dominate my life. You can't escape a handicap no matter how much you try.


Sometimes I don't realise just how it affects me until a situation occurs where I then can't cope. I might have been having a good day and then one question can ruin everything. Because I struggle with the answer. Because I can't figure out the task. Because the question places some kind of stress on me that renders me useless.


And I'm not unintelligent, I was always gifted, and even now when I'm confused so easily I can still ace a quiz. But where I used to coast so easily through these things it makes it so much harder to deal with.


I admit, sometimes I wish I could just cave completely and research whether I'm technically disabled on this front, go through the system to find out if they think I am. But then I'd feel so guilty, or lazy (this is a personal thing. I am not in any way applying these thoughts to my disabled friends) and I can imagine them saying no I'm not, and I've worked since my sick leave so obviously I can manage. And I love my job, but I know I'm not very good at it. I forget the simple things there too, like asking customers obvious questions.


I think mainly, I just wish it wasn't like this so much. That I could remember the basics and not have to rely on others. My parents are getting on, you know? They shouldn't have to be my carers. They shouldn't have to be my sons other parents.


Part of the reason I haven't blogged so much, on top of my big writing projects (which I am also struggling with) is this feeling, and not being able to think of topics. And I probably sound really down and for the most I'm not. I'm just increasingly frustrated by how limited I feel. I think that feeling fuels the problem and I'm stuck in a cycle right now. I don't know how to break it.

2015

don't worry, I'm not about to make wlempty new years resolutions like "I will blog more" (truthfully, I have missed blogging but have been consumed by this companion story I've been working on which is almost over now) more, I'm making a plan of action for the foreseeable future. Such as:


-not spending anything superfluous in the next few months. I have a shit ton of expensive things to pay for - a new car, a concert with boy, my BFF's hen do, Asylum 14, BFF's wedding - and not much time, with minimal hours in which to pay for it.


-clear my old laptops. Sell them.


-ebay my nice clothes that no longer fit.


-car boot stuff from Primark etc.


gahhhhh, I fucking hate money!


other POAs include:


-finishing the companion piece.
-finish other outstanding pieces.
-work on my WIP.
-actually sodding publish.


... so, not many goals.

Illness

I chose a timely moment to write this, my boy is home from school with a stomach bug (you wouldn't think it right now, because he's drinking juice and watching YouTube, but my car stinks of stomach acid from where he puked last night) but ultimately, my motivation for writing this comes from ... you probably guessed. The Supernatural fandom.

Overall, it's a fantastic fandom. Unless you're in it, you probably wouldn't understand totally what it's like, and don't worry, I'm not going to sit here and bang on about it. Any more than I have done anyway.

One of the things I've noticed - and I've noticed it in other areas of my life too, but this one more so perhaps because I met about 500 people, all at once - is that a lot of us do have health problems. Fibromyalgia, MS, BiPolar, arthritis, Aspergers. We're a sickly bunch.

But despite this, it's proportional, you know? I mean, when you consider that fibro, like TTP, has only really had an advancement of study in the past few decades and more information and therefore more diagnoses are becoming prevalent (and in the case with my TTP, it means more lives are being saved so more people are TTP survivors).

However, I have noticed a trend in the last few weeks in the various groups we're all involved in. A trend where people claim that anxiety is a disability - I mean, it can be, but I'm referring to those who have never had a problem before, or who don't seem to have any issue with shouting about their anxiety from the rooftops, which seems like an oxymoron to me. Those people definitely don't have the medical connection - with the announcement that Jensen will be at the next Rogue Convention (fucking meeting DEAN!!!) it's increased sporadically.

I'm sure I've mentioned on here before my own dealings with social anxiety, where I couldn't even hand in my TTP sick notes and my parents had to do it, where I have to talk myself into the simplest of things. One of my best friends has gotten married in the interim of my postings, and I was terrified of going. Someone reposted something on Facebook that I included into my mantra to help me do basic things ("Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on") but there is something key here. My social anxiety is a result of the trauma I went through. It's tough, it can seem debilitating, sometimes that fuck it feels like I should be saying 'fuck it, who needs it?' but most importantly? IT IS NOT A DISABILITY.

Like friend A with fibro needs a rest every couple of days and she can live a semi normal life. She has a friend with recurring Lyme disease who developed CFS and he is only functional a couple of days a week. Friend B with fibro has to rest up for a few days after doing anything, because her body will fight her if she tries to do any more. Like friend C whose son is Aspergers, and friend D whose husband and children all have different things wrong.

I'm not trying to shit all over people's problems. I loathe it when people shit all over mine, when they think I'm whining about being tired because my brain damage gets triggered by my fatigue so when I'm feeling like I cannot go on and the only sense I can make is to say "I'm tired". But there is an inherent difference between being medically unable to function and something that's tough but doesn't require medical assistance. And people should understand the finite differences, and act accordingly.

Why is this annoying me? Because I can see a couple of things happening. Perfectly healthy people with no restrictions are suddenly considering asking for disability access, all because Jensen is coming. I get it, I do, he's a huge actor and that makes you anxious which sets off the cycle. But consider this - your anxiety to get five minutes up the queue to see the man triggering your anxiety will have a knock on effect for that Aspergers kid who can't cope with crowds. It's going to make that girl with fibromyalgia sit out something she wanted to do because she cannot cope with the increased access line. They got access to avoid what your anxiety is causing. The knock on effect is that your anxiety makes a tougher con for more people, including the staff who are helping to make the experience a good one for everyone. If it is so important, why did you not buy a ticket early and seek out an upgrade? I know of one upgrade who will be getting access because she has genuine issues ... and that's it. Out of 150 of us (approximately).

What else can I see? I see people using it, going on about it constantly, making it seem like a big deal that they have anxiety and so need pity. No. I'm sorry that you have these issues, I do too, trust me. But there are worse things. There's being told you're brain damaged for a start. There's doctors telling you that the things you took for granted, you can never do again, like walking, or being fully independent, or having children. All because of a legitimate disability. I, and others, battle constantly to even try to function as normal, to do things like we used to because dammit, it's hard enough now without those pleasures life used to give us, without people wanting pity for something others consider a side effect. Yes, it irritates me. I get that it's a big portion of your life, and this will be harsh, but please understand what it's like for those of us with real issues who have to read this over and over. It is minor. And it sickens me that this is the excuse that will be used by so many people to try and get that much closer to Jensen. It makes a mockery of the system, and of those people who are so restricted by their legitimate anxiety that they can barely leave the house.

So reconsider. You have over six months in which to do so. Is your anxiety really so strong that you cannot even go near the crowds (have to wonder why you booked for such a notoriously busy convention, personally) and must have access? Is it general or Jensen-specific anxiety? Does someone else need this more than you? Are you being selfish here, or is it so bad that it's a necessity?

And for the record - no. I wouldn't consider access. I didn't spend seven months of sick leave when I first went into remission fighting to get my brain back and function again to go on disability, so why would I try to access that now? I've done two cons and know what I can cope with (lesson learned at A13: I cannot stay up drinking until 3.30 in the morning and then get up at 5.45 and expect to feel well at all. I went straight from still drunk to hungover to fatigued-and-nonsensical) and know that I don't need it, not when that boy in the wheelchair does. Not while that man's on crutches. Not while that girl is saying she has arthritis. Live within your means, and remember the convention is for everyone who paid a ticket, and not just you.

/end rant. This is the most I've written all day. Whoops.

Asylum series: an explanation

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger. This is where I make some weak ass excuse. But seriously, I keep thinking that I need to blog and then nothing springs to mind. A little like my main writing, atm. I've been stuck on my Destiel.

So, this post actually serves a purpose. Maybe a couple.

I know I promised to continue talking about Asylum, and I will, but not how I was planning before. I know I promised to address something, but I wanted to do it right, and well … I don't know if I can. Because for me, it's tied to a lot of things that took me a long time to deal with and trying to work through the minefields that it concerns is just … it's beyond me. So I'm not going to be writing about that. But I do plan on summarising the awesomeness that was Asylum 13, and I will also talk about the impending asylum 14, which Sarah-Jane will be coming to as well!

But for now I'm tired because there's been a few stresses at work and I've been on the go for a while now and I just need to chill out a little. But I'll be back soon, promise!

I want out

People can suck so much.

How much do you have to beat yourself up to meet their requirements when they still shit all over you?

It seems like such a minor thing, but it stems from something much bigger.

Ugh.


BTW, when I say people, I exclusively mean my brothers. Want nothing more to do with either of them.

I will blog properly soon. I only just remembered the other day that I owe Sarah-Jane a blog post about a necklace, and another about fan fiction for two of her separate blogs, so I promise to get right on with them!

Genre

I'm still struggling to write the first draft of book four of Uprooted. I think I know what it is, I need to research the American school system more, to know when stuff like college applications happen, so I can plot that in. Plus, this is the book where things change drastically for one of my main characters and I'm terrified of doing it wrong. I feel like I've been ham-fisted with a lot of things.

Meanwhile, I'm getting more requests for the risqué stuff I've been writing. I seem to do okay with it. It makes me wonder … am I writing in the wrong genre, aiming for YA? Or can I be like Rowling, and have more than one genre (and just go by a pseudonym because erotica and YA should not be compatible). I don't know. I feel like the emergence of this serendipitous revelation that I'm good at filth is making me question my true abilities. I enjoy writing it too, which is bizarre, because I never thought I would, and because I don't in "real life".

I'm whining, I know. I'm procrastinating. Like I was when doing GISHWHES. Like I do with a lot of things.

I just have a shit tonne of ideas and no real time to write them in.

In other news, today is the last day of my Yearly tracker. I have to finish totalling todays writing when I finish today's writing, but I had the intention of writing 150,000 words this year. Currently, the total is 468,189, plus I have two paragraphs to add in, and others to write because I'm not done yet tonight. Let's round up to 469,000.

Next year's tracker may have to have a higher target. 300,000?

Climbing a mountain

So, I've said before I'm doing GISHWHES this year, right? We're about halfway through now (just tomorrow and Friday to go!) and I'm loving the challenges, both that I've done and that my teammates (who're just awesome) have done.

I did a big point item yesterday. Worth 147 points. I climbed to the top of Mount Snowdon ( item 26: IMAGE (two images edited side-by-side). Table Mountain, South Africa; Mount Snowdon Wales; Mount Sinai, Egypt; Mt. Fuji, Japan; and Mt. Kilimanjaro, Tanzania are epic peaks. Climb one of them. You must submit two images side by side, one of you in front of the mountain, and the second, with you at the summit, wearing the same clothes, holding up a sign that says: "Everything is easy when you GISHWHES!")

This was a big challenge for me, in a few ways. My family came to North Wales when I was seven, and we were going to attempt the summit. We were going to use the train, but it was too expensive. I was hung-ho for walking it, because I was seven and had no concept of time or distance or effort (I have climbed hills since, like Malvern in Wales and somewhere near the Lake District, and part of Vesuvius) but mum said me and my eight-year-old brother were too small, so we didn't go. I've wanted to do it since then.

I admit, due to health reasons, I got the train this time, which stops a ten minute walk from the summit (so Misha, I did reach the summit on my own! Kinda!) I'm glad I made that decision, my fatigue would never have gotten me to the peak, and nor would my lungs. I'm so disappointed with them. They partially collapsed with the TTP stuff, and I had physio to get them working properly again, and then last year I had chest infections/bronchitis so badly they gave me and inhaler. That's why I only did part of Vesuvius, I got about fifteen minutes from the summit and had a coughing fit so bad I nearly puked. So getting the train lessened the strain, though as soon as I stepped off my chest was tight, my throat felt like it had been sanded raw, and I coughed a lot. But I freaking did it. I got the pictures. I got our points. I completed a 22-year-old wish. I didn't see dragons, but you can't have everything.

So, thank you Misha, for putting that item in there, and completing a childhood wish. I'm sorry my health stopped me going along the walking route (though I did the very bottom for one of the pictures) but I reached the summit, one way or another. And that's what counts, right? You said climb and well, the train helped me do that (if I was wheelchair bound, I wouldn't worry this much! Although, I would never have reached the tiny summit! steep, wonky steps up to a compass point!)

You could see the isle of man from that vantage point. If it wasn't so cloudy, you could have seen Ireland. I don't think my pictures do justice for the scale of how steep and high it was!

Yet another reason to love Misha Collins

He's like a big fan himself:

He also tweeted about orgies. It's a Supernatural fan thing (I haven't been tweeting him about the same thing. Nooooo!)

Why would you not respect a guy who embraces all the strange things his fans do, and then makes them do strange things too? I wish I was in Seattle on Sunday, with the french maid's costume and art-style hat.

And that won't make any sense to you, but it's so very, very Misha.

Positive developments

I don't have a lot of body confidence. I know it's cliche to be a woman and have body hang ups, so I'll make this clear - I used to be happy with my body. At the end of my teens, start of my twenties, I had a body I was happy with, that I understood, that I could dress well and know my clothes suited me. And then I had my son, and got sick, and spent a few years bloating out and not understanding my physiology enough to be able to change that. Part of the reason why I like doing herbalife is because of the energy it gives me, and the chance to think about what I'm doing with my body again. I'm not like a health food crazy, but I'm more restrained. My body's getting back to the way it was when I was happy with it, like I wanted. It's been slow because I've been crap with herbalife through June and half of May, but I'm back on track now.

And I did something I've never done before. Ever. Even with my happy-body. I wore a bikini. I know that sounds melodramatic, but I do prefer onesies. Unfortunately, my boobs become besties with gravity when I wear one. And I found a Kelly Brook range in New Look months ago, and she understands what it's like to be a big-on-top girl, and this bikini has been floating around my room for ages. We were going to the beach today, and last time we went I had so much fun playing in the shallows with Noah, that I wanted to go further. I'm not a strong swimmer, but he's little and wouldn't go too far. I wanted us to enjoy ourselves. So I wore the bikini. That I now resemble a lobster is nothing, I gave Noah a lot more than I've been able to for a long while, thanks to my shitty energy levels and headfuck. Today was fun. Even if I still have some way to go (and no Lydia, I have no side-on shots. They all looked pornographic!) I'm not sorry I'm making you look at it. Gallbladder surgery scars and all:

How on earth did I forget this?!

So, I don't think I've even mentioned this! God, what's wrong with me?

Okay, so a couple of months ago, someone from the Supernatural fandom world and I were talking, and she said she really wanted to go to Asylum 14 next May. And I offered to help her out, not by buying the ticket, but by doing something, finding some way of contributing. I would have just given her some of the cost of the ticket, but I knew she wouldn't be comfortable with that. She does Chibi drawings a lot, so we hammered it out until she agreed to draw some of my characters as a commission piece, and the money from that would go to her ticket. She got the ticket, and worked her butt off on the commission. Bless her, she was worried it was taking so long, but we'd gone into our summer sale at work and the days were flashing by and I honestly didn't notice when her imposed time limit was gone. She kept saying sorry, but honestly, the most important thing for me was that she was going to be able to enjoy herself (coincidentally, the woman I'm sharing a room with at Asylum 13 offered to help someone else, and got refused. Which is fair enough, money makes people weird, but then the same person kept moaning she couldn't afford a ticket, and then they all sold out and she didn't have one and it's like, dude, you had a brilliant opportunity to go!)

Anyway, she sent me the final product a few weeks ago. I love it! There's a few things I didn't expect (like Carter's shirt is bright for him. Must've been baseball day, haha!) but I love what she's done. Especially with Lambrini, since I can never quite picture her (although my friend Holly sent me a picture of a character from Waterloo Road, and she comes close) so now I have some kind of visual representation to refer back to.

Wanna see the picture?:

If you haven't read my stuff, they're probably just cartoons to you. But this is the two main characters, and their friends (at least, the ones dominant in the first four/five books) and it took me ages to work out who I'd want a picture of. Can you imagine if I'd asked for Carter's entire family? She'd still be working on it, for sure!

I need to get off my butt and carry on writing it, really!

Trouble

Another video book review! Hope you enjoy it. It's probably too waffly :/

The Fault In Our Stars

You can hear traffic constantly! I have abrupt edits because I had to cut off my mother calling me every two seconds! I totally disregard my most recent post (until like, the last ten minutes, anyway ;) )

Enjoy! It's effing long:

*ETA: I can't upload it for some reason, blogger's pretending it doesn't know crap about my youtube, even though they're on the same google account. Whatever, google plus! so sorry, it's a link. Maybe because it's 45 minutes long?!*

zee moans about TFIOS

Awwwh!

So, I haven't talked too much about it on here, though I have talked about it at some point, but I've been trying my hand at erotica in fan fiction. I'm surprised at how okay I am at it, all things considered. I've had to explain some BDSM stuff to two different people based on my last chapters, which is so surreal for me. How do I know all this stuff and you guys don't?!

Anyway, so the big project I have going on, with my longest chapters ever (current one I'm working on is estimated at 8k. I tend to do 1-2k per chapter. Gerald won't know what to do with me!) I've done two versions of, for each of the two main characters. They have such different perspectives, and different things going on in their lives (which marries up with the show beautifully. Okay, I confess, this is Destiel. Heavy slash Destiel. Totally NSFW. And it's so much fun to do) and even though the main thread of the story is the same and I don't change events or speech … well, this is the comment someone made this morning when she read some of it:

"I've never read companion writing before yours. Wasn't sure what to make me the idea, but when i started reading, my god, WELL impressed with how different the same story can be, its so cool!"

I'm so pleased about that! It's a big ask to make the same story different, but I think it's because I've employed a few little tricks to keep it going:

-One is written in third person, the other in first. Which means one gets to be more descriptive, and one is more colloquial, and emotional.

-One is meant to be more romantic, and touching. The other I'm trying to inject some humour in. Writing in first person means the reactions can be the most comical bit, especially when they misinterpret each other.

-They're not together 24-7. What happens when they're apart lends the stories a different flavour.

It's so much fun to see people's reactions to the different stories, although the third person one is getting more of a response. I think because it came first and then people are worried that by trying the second, it would be really repetitive? But if you'd want to read, let me know, I might link you, if I think you can handle being scarred mentally. I mean, at one point there's an angel buying supplies in an S&M shop in Amsterdam, so you already know it's going to be pretty messed up.

And I'm totally going to hell.

Good timing!

Last night, I drove home in the middle of a thunderstorm. I freaking loved it. But the best part of seeing forked lightning streak across the sky in front of my little Fiesta was the music. I was playing McFly's memory lane album, and the timing was exception. Like there was a line about storms *lightning flash* and seeing someone through driving rain (driving through driving rain). I mean, yeah they were making metaphors, but you cannot time that kind of perfection!

I was sad when the storm ended before I got home, the sky owed me like, a giant flash across the sky as I put the handbrake on, just to tie it up neatly! Okay, it didn't owe me, but that would have been amazing!

Surprise! I've been busy plotting

For a reading/writing blog, I don't talk much about other books on here very much. But I've solved that now:

My editing sucks. So does the sound quality. I was nervous doing it, and taping it trying not to be overheard by the many members of my family, who would just take the piss (ahhhh, family!) so if I seem like I'm whispering, it's because I thought I heard them on the stairs ;) Still, I hope this can be a regular thing. I can be very opinionated.

It's nice to be important. But it's important to be nice.

Someone on my twitter feed wrote the above title as a tweet today. I like it for a few reasons.

Like, more and more, since I left McDonald's, I'm trying to be positive and embrace the good in life. Part of that is trying to see the best in everyone, part of that is finding ways to be kind, or to reach out to people on something relevant to them. Being nice is about making others feel good, because the world is so full of criticisms and harshness and if you can be the brief silver lining in someone's cloudy day, doesn't that have some relevance for the way the world works?

That's not to say by being positive you should be a doormat, and you should always endeavour to stand up for your beliefs. Just find kind ways to be firm. You can be nice for so many things where people get irate. Like, I went to a store recently, and I had to talk to the sales person about something I needed, but at first it felt like she was really unhelpful, and I could feel myself getting worked up, but then I had as quick a rethink as I could, and I rephrased. I asked questions to find out why she couldn't help, and I felt shitty for getting upset in the first place. But you know what? When I left, we were on pretty good terms, because I'd tried to be patient and kind and understand that actually, the situation was as little her fault as it was mine, because that's what I hope for when customers aren't happy in my job.

Or like when the A12 tickets got cancelled, as upset and angry as I was, yelling and being abusive would have led to what, exactly? So I was as polite as I could be through the devastation, and the tickets were reinstated, and actually, I've emailed a couple of times since then for the next two conventions and I feel confident in doing so, because I am polite and patient and just nice. The responses, when I get them, respond to that. Nice leads to nice, and that leads to happy.

It makes me look back on McDonald's and wonder why I ever put up with the way things were there. The way you had to compromise your morals and friendships in order to keep the wheel turning one more day. But there was no gratitude for they way they stomped on your soul and sucked your time, just an expectation that you step up quicker, next time. I cannot be around that anymore, or anything like it. Not when there's so much in the world that is amazing, and worthwhile.

Or like on goodreads, where I do discuss books with other frequently. There's a member I've debated/clashed with for a long time. I used to think it was me. I endeavoured to take my new, embrace-the-positive attitude to those conversations, or else move away. And I've realised - albeit with the help of others - that it was never me. It was always her negativity. And now that I've let it go, I'm really enjoying the conversations with everyone else on there.

The world is so full of good-natured, friendly people. It's just that sometimes, one negative person can make the world seem like it's full of anger, and lies, and depravity. It's times like those - like the other day - where I just try to take five, and then find those who are being positive. I want to surround myself with good, and happy, and love, because I've had enough sadness to last me for the rest of my life now.

I think this is why I embrace statements like the above, or things like Random Acts, which is about being kind and considerate. I love Misha forever for creating such a great concept. I can't wait for GISHWHES in a couple of weeks, which is his biggest fundraiser, and completely mental, according to my more experienced teammates.

And all of the above … I'll be honest, it's why I haven't posted so much lately. I've had a fair bit of negativity in my comments since my Destiel post - which I stand by - and I felt like this was a negative place. I feel compromised being here, a little. But this is my blog, and it's where I reason things out, and I'm not going to let a few unfounded comments put me off being here. This blog is going to grow again, and it's going to grow from love. I may still have my whiney posts - I am human - but remember that they're fleeting, and that I'm aiming for something different now. I'm aiming for happy, however I can harness that. I'm considering doing 100 happy days on here, just to enforce that. Because happiness is in big shows, and tiny efforts, it's in smiles and compliments or a comfortable silence with an old friend. It's a book, or writing, or hugs with my son. Happiness is everywhere, I'm just going to make sure I've got my eyes open.