Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and me, Chapter 10 (part 2)

Walking to the after party, which is being held across the street from the theatre in a trendy bar, we notice there's a line of photographers waiting outside.

This feels like a run on sentence. And I hate the word trendy. Ugh.

The nerves start to kick in again at the thought of walking into that crowded room on Billy's arm, knowing I'll be scrutinized and judged.

She didn't have that many nerves about being alone on the red carpet, ready to be photographed  just for shacking up with Billy. This is how I hate Sophie.

This is my first proper outing, the first one I'm almost prepared for (well, I'm flourless and wearing decent clothes), and I want to make a good impression - so far people have only seen the two sets of pap pictures, they haven't seen or heard anything else about me, so it'll be nice to get pictures when I'm looking my best and show that I'm not just some dowdy teal-girl.

All she cares about is looking good. Didn't she spend the first couple of chapters expostulating that she's a simple girl and doesn't care for high fashion? That she tries to be practical? Because she's coming across as really shallow and vapid now.

Although I still find the whole thing daunting, I'm proud of Billy, and want to be there with him on his special night, supporting him as a girlfriend should.

She's also starting to sound a little bit like a bunny boiler.

 

"Bill," says Paul, stopping us both. "I think it's really important that you do these photos alone tonight, the ones inside and outside. It's got to be about you and what you've achieved. It would be foolish to let something else overshadow that," he adds, taking the time to slowly look from Billy to me so that he can hammer his point home.

I think Paul makes an excellent point. When Billy brought this topic up as plot point earlier, he expounded his need to be taken seriously in his profession and how he could achieve that by doing this edgy stage play. Paul is placing a reminder here about the end goal, the long term achievement over the short term whim. I like Paul again!

In other words, Billy should have no photos taken with me, because that is what the press will focus on, thereby distracting from the purpose of the night, which is to show Billy's worth as an actor.

Thank you for spelling out Paul's meaning, because without the reiteration, I would be lost, lost I tell you! Stephenie Meyer is kind of a hero of yours, isn't she?

I understand the point, obviously, but coming from Paul it feels more than a little bit unwelcoming.

Because Paul finds social situations with strangers awkward and has therefore ignored your Mary-Sueness. Paul must be stopped at all costs!

Billy turns to me with concern.

Why?

"It's that OK?" he asks.

Why is it capitalised OK and not okay? I mean, technically both are correct but I prefer the word to the abbreviation.

"Of course!" I say, not wanting to cause a drama on his special night by showing that I'm uncomfortable or disappointed that it has to be this way. "It makes sense," I say with a shrug.

I really hate this, because she's clearly not expressing her opinion - which I still think is bunny boiler - and yet she still expects people to pander to her whims and it's just going to blow up eventually. It's a horrible way of writing, I know it happens in real life but real life doesn't always make for realistic books.

"You sure?" he asks again, cupping my face with his right hand and rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

He didn't ask again, because he changed the question. A better dialogue tag would be 'he pressed'. Also, is he trying to con her into feeling a certain way by using that kind of physicality?

"She said yes, you soppy fool," says Paul, while he playfully pushes Billy towards the party. "Go on, get in there, Bill! It's your night. Sophie will be safe with me. We'll see you in there."

I love you a little, Paul.

"OK, see you in there," says Billy as he squeezes my hand, releases it and walks in to charm the awaiting press.

Why is he walking in for the press, when the press are waiting outside? Were they holding hands? He was holding her face, sure, but getting hands and face confused is an achievement, surely?

We watch Billy posing for the cameras and see him laugh as people shout things out to him about his pert bottom.

Oh, dear God.

Paul turns to me with another fake smile.

How do we even know Paul is fake-smiling? Maybe he's making a real effort with you and you're just being a bitch. I know which one I believe here.

"I'm so glad you understand, Sophie. It could be quite awkward otherwise. You see, it would be different if you had a public profile yourself, it's hard to get past something like that, but well, it's still early days and things can change in a flash. There's just no point creating a fuss over something that could dissolve as quickly as it was formed."

Again, great advice from Paul. And it's not even about Billy, so much. He's looking out for Sophie. He's saying he knows what Billy's like, and since this isn't about publicity and she hasn't had coaching, it's a little tenuous. He's saying Billy might hump'n'dump and she would do well to try and protect herself a little bit otherwise she could end up hurt. He's taking her feelings into consideration. And I have to hand hold for this bit because Sophie?

His words ring in my ears as I break them down, slowly making sense of them.

Tell us when you're done. Any time ...

"You don't think we'll last, then?" I ask him as I look down and fiddle with a loose bit of black thread on my dress.

Sophie thinks he's saying she doesn't belong with Billy and Paul wants to put an end to the charade.

"Not at all, I didn't say that," he says, putting his hand on his chest in shock, as if my interpretation of his words is pure madness.

Or else, he's genuinely surprised you think he's that callous, and he's hurt that you're twisting his concern. Which, when you think about it Paul, my future husband, means maybe we should be worried that she wants to believe the worst in you. To me it's a sign that she's thinking that way, because she's expecting for you to catch her out.

"But that's what you meant, though. Right?"

What. A. Fucking. Bitch.

 

"Sophie, don't be silly," he says in a patronizing tone, resting a hand on my shoulder once again. "I just think we should take our time - this is a lot for you to take in at once. It could be quite overwhelming, that's all. There's a lot to learn."

Paul, you're not patronising, she's just choosing to take it that way because she thinks only of herself. I think you're doing a stellar job, personally.

Yes, I think, and the number one thing I've already learnt is to be wary of the people I meet, even if they do work for my partner.

Your partner, like you've been together for so long *grinds teeth*. The thing is, if this situation has happened to Giovanna - and I can't imagine Fletch being like this with McFly or Giovanna - then her reaction is more relevant because Tom and Giovanna met at thirteen and dated on and off from then, her indignation at that point is valid. But she's not writing a couple meeting young and one of them catapulting to fame, she's writing an established famous person and a nonentity, and the reaction is completely out of place.

Billy spends the next hour doing a variety of interviews with press about the play and chatting up the important thespians and critics in the room.

As you know, his job requires. Since without these people, he would struggle.

I, unfortunately, have been stood next to Paul during that time.

Why is it unfortunate? It's unfortunate for Paul, sure.

Luckily for me, though,  instead of continuing with the conversation he started outside, he has decided to ignore me completely and he continually failed to introduce me to whoever he is talking to, causing me to linger by his side while attracting odd glances from his showbiz pals.

I think it's more lucky for Paul, personally, but what kind of behaviour is that? He has zero obligation to you, he made the effort and you bunny boiled him so why the fuck should he even try? And can't you introduce yourself to people? Can't you start conversations? No wonder you're getting odd looks, I'd be like 'the fuck is that girl sniffing up around Paul? Did one of Billy's fans get in?'

Although it aggravates me that he is being so rude, I'm actually quite glad that I'm not being included, because now, thanks to Paul, I'm no longer in the mood to make small talk with strangers.

He's being rude? HE'S BEING RUDE?

I need Kellan.

Twilight ruined that mass of beautiful, absolutely ruined him.  

And when were you ever in the mood to make small talk with strangers? You've expected everyone else to put in all the effort. Who the fuck do you think you are?

When Billy finally finds his way over to us, an hour or so later, he has a woman in tow, her arm looped through his.

Oh, shit's going DOWN now. Billy, you're dating a bunny boiler, this is not good!

She's wearing a little black dress, which she has partnered up with leopard print heels.

Like a slut would wear, obviously.

 

Her bare, toned and tanned legs seem to go on forever.

What a whore, amirite?

"Sophie, this is Ruth Banks from the show," says Billy, introducing us.

Oh, check it out Paul, Billy will introduce her, you're obviously such a bastard in comparison to Billy. Also, that's Stephanie Pratt.

"Ah!" I say, recognising her as the blond with the enthusiastic hair-swishing talent.

'Ah!' I said, as eloquently as Ana Steele, while I emulate her ability to hate on anyone blonde. She MUST be after Christian Billy.

"I just wanted to come over and say hello. Plus, OMG! So sorry about the whole blow job thing ... how awkward?" she says, putting her hands to her cheeks in mock shame, causing Billy to laugh.

I like Ruth, she's obviously embarrassed to learn Billy's new girlfriend saw the show and rather than acting like nothing happened and immersing it in some kind of shame, she's like 'let's laugh it off, because otherwise it could go bad.' She's making the best of a weird situation, poking fun at something that could be really awkward. I admire her for that.

"Oh ..." I say with a smile, swiping the air with my hand as if brushing the subject aside due to its unimportance.

These two noises are the only contribution Sophie has to this conversation. She's flapping about, barely speaking. I bet Ruth thinks she's special needs and is trying to work out if that makes Billy some kind of hero, or some kind of creep.

Clearly this isn't actually how I feel about the whole thing, but I'm not entirely sure how one should react in these circumstances.

It's not clear, because you're passing it off. The only outward sign you've made of how uncomfortable it has made you is to gasp, and well, that could have come because you didn't realise how enthusiastic they'd have to be over it. And how you should react? Is to laugh along with Ruth, glad she brought it up because talking about it means it's not being hidden, it's therefore not shameful and there's little chance she has an emotional connection to your boyfriend.

I'd rather not have her mention it at all - especially seeing as Billy hasn't referenced it in the slightest.

Which says SO much about Billy, here.

"Seriously, they made us do that on the first day of rehearsals as well - talk about getting to know each other quickly. I just didn't know where to look!" she giggles.

Can I marry Ruth too?

"Ruth, you're making it sound like I've actually been swinging my bits in your face," Billy says, bemused, while shaking his head, a flicker of annoyance in his voice. "Don't worry, I've been safely under wraps, at all times!" he says to me, as he pulls me into him and kisses my forehead.

Um, Billy, you did have your bits swinging in her face! They were under a G-string sure, but what if you did a Simon in the Inbetweeners and let a bollock hang out? What if she made you hard? What if there was accidental touching? He sounds annoyed, I bet, because he wants Ruth and she's clearly said no. That's how this is reading to me. And then he reassures Sophie out of nowhere, like a fucking child. They haven't been caught in a compromising position, they've been doing what they've been asked by a script and a director.

"Aww, you guys are so cute!" squeals Ruth. "He talks about you non-stop!"

And suddenly Ruth has a personality transplant.

Paul, noticing that Billy has returned (and no doubt annoyed that he has his arm around me in public on his ever-so-important night), waves his hands in the air to grab his attention.

I hate the aside in brackets. Talk about putting words in Paul's mouth! Also, this isn't a real party, it's a way to talk to journalists and critics and other actors and as such, Billy shouldn't be sat around chatting with his girlfriend and co-star. He has the chance to do that whenever the fuck he wants.

I got yo back, Paul my love.

"Billy, you must come and meet Clarissa Hall from The Times," he calls, beckoning him over. "She's been dying to hear about your process of finding the character and how you've coped under the pressure."

Why are The Times covering this? And how generic are those questions? I'm not blaming you Paul, you're just being written this way.

"Sure!" Billy says, loosening his hold of me.

Gripping her pretty tight there, huh Bills?

"You'll be ok with Ruth for a bit, Sophie. I'll bring him back," Paul says as he hurries Billy along.

But honey, will Ruth be okay with Sophie?

I look at Ruth, my designated babysitter, and smile.

I hate that she has to have a designated babysitter. She's twenty-fucking-six.

We don't know each other.

Oh ... really? Because even though this is your first time meeting and Ruth has been sparkling and friendly and enthusiastic and inquisitive ... you've made two noises at her. I think she knows you inside and out, now. I'm not even sure if I'm being sarcastic, here ...

This is uncomfortable.

Only because you're making it that way.

"So, what do you do then, Sophie?" she asks, tilting her head to the side as though she's genuinely intrigued.

I agree with the 'as though' because she's making a real effort and getting sweet fuck all back and now she's getting to the point of 'politely check out of conversation with the weird girl'.

It's the question I've been dreading, but seeing as pictures of me in my uniform have been in the papers and the majority of people in this room have probably seen them, I can't really shy away from it.

I really don't know the point of this angst. You have a job, you're not a fully-fledged gold digger. You could use it to your advantage and act like you're humble because a job is better than sponging off your new, famous boyfriend. It's not hard to do. Like, I know my time at McDonald's would make me a little bored with other jobs out there, because there is so much to it.

"Actually I've not been in London long."

Which doesn't answer Ruth's question. Your career or past times, that would answer her questions.

"Oh, right?"

Polite disinterest while wondering what the relevance is of that answer. I feel for you, Ruth.

"So I've just got a little job to tide me over until I find something else more permanent."

*sniggers* She sounds like she does temp work.

"So where are you at the moment?" she digs.

Because you didn't understand the first time, and she's making such an effort. Ruth's an angel.

"Coffee Matters?" I don't know why I say the name as though she'll never have heard of it before, she clearly would have.

You sound like you're guessing what jobs normal people do. She probably thinks you are a gold digger.

 

I watch as a flash of pity and disinterest flicker in her eyes, before she manages to drum up her reaction.

I'd be disappointed to, if I had to work my ass off for that answer.

"Oh, how lovely," she says, unconvincingly.

Because you clearly hate the job you've had for two seconds.

"Not really, but it'll do for now," I smile, hoping my honesty will banish the awkwardness that now sits between us.

THAT YOU PUT THERE!

"So many of my friends are in the same boat, having to do jobs they hate while trying to get somewhere in life. Oh gosh," she says suddenly, grabbing my arm and looking over my shoulder at someone behind me. "An old friend from drama school has just walked in, I've got to go and jump on him. Do you mind?"

I like how Ruth tries to let her know to get over it, that's how life works and she's not alone in that circumstance, but then immediately does what Billy and Paul did so much more smoothly and ditches her.

"Not at all!"

Lying through her teeth again.

"Great. Back in a sec," she beams, as she literally runs and catapults herself onto the unsuspecting man's back with whoops of joy.

I would kinda love it if it wasn't the old friend, but I like Ruth too much. And also, this enthusiasm has been there since she was first introduced to Sophie, she's a very out-going girl. Put money on it Sophie thinks Ruth and Billy are doing the nasty backstage.

I play around with the straw in my glass and look at the people around me who are making the most of this networking event.

Did she have a glass? And yes, finally, it's a networking event, not an after party. Thank you for waking up and smelling the fucking coffee.

They're all laughing and talking excitedly to one another whilst occasionally giving quizzical glances at the girl in the corner, who is standing on her own.

I don't think they're really concerning themselves with you, so much.

Me.

I got that. No, really, I got that.

Later that night, after hours of watching Billy circulate the room with Paul eagerly placed by his side, we both climb into bed. A small slice of light coming from the hallway illuminates the room gently, enabling us to see the room and each other.

So they're in a dark room, and haven't bothered turning out the hall light? That's weird to me, I'm not the only one, am I?

After a minute of silence Billy turns to me and runs his fingers through my hair.

This is so ... not tacky, but something sticks for me. It just lacks emotion, and it seems awkward. There's nothing between them.

"Did you really enjoy the show, baby?"

DON'T CALL HER BABY!

 

"I thought you were great, honey ..." I say, putting on another smile and looking at him briefly before gazing back at the ceiling.

She's as bad as him, with the honey. And staring at the ceiling, in bed with your new boyfriend? This is so ... they don't care one iota for each other. There's no first flush of love, I'm pissed off. At least when Lambrini started going out with Curtis she's like 'I love kissing him so much, squee!' and talks about how weird it is to suddenly be in that situation but how good it feels anyway. And even though it's slow and a little strange between them, you root for them and yep, I am outright saying my book is better. Fuck you, Giovanna.

"But?" he says slowly.

So it sounds like 'Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut?' How can you say that slowly? Would it be better to be like 'Billy hesitated for a moment. 'But?' He sounded unsure.'

I sigh. I'm actually aware that I either let the whole thing slide by, not wanting to cause a problem, or I just say what's on my mind so that I can get reassurance of some kind that I'll be kept in the loop in the future.

Or how about, you've been dating him for maybe two months and he wants to know that he's capable of doing stage work, and it's not about your insecurities but about his.

I hate when other people hear you asking for a genuine opinion about something they've done and they make it about them. I mean, sure, use your experience to illustrate your point, but then refer back to the question for a comparison.

As I'd rather not get the shock of my life again in a crowded room, I decide to be honest.

Well, that makes once in the whole book.

"Well ... I wish you'd have warned me about certain moments."

He did! Swear to God, when he told you he was doing stage work, he told you the nature of the play. What a BITCH.

"Oh ..." He stops fiddling with my hair and sits up, leaning on his elbow. "I said it was dark and dirty, didn't I?"

Pretty much, yeah, Bills.

"I don't think you said dirty, but either way, it just would've been nice to know that you were about to expose your butt to the world." I explain. "And that you'd have someone so close to your bits pretending to, you know ..." I continue, not able to look him in the eye.

You're in the dark, chill your beans about being able to see each other. That stupid hall light isn't going to do much.

I just ... I'm done with this girl so much, already.

 

We lay in silence for a few moments.

We lay in awkward silence for a few moments, surely?

"You know Ruth never actually saw anything, right?" he says, rubbing his thumb along my cheek and chin, trying to soothe my thoughts with his actions as well as his words.

Except when your ball dropped out. And I love when guys poke my face and chat on about other girls. Totally gets me in a sexy-time mood.

"Right ..."

 

I fucking love Drake and Josh ...  

"Seriously, I think she was just feeling awkward about the whole conversation and just blurted stuff out. It's not easy doing scenes like that and then meeting people's other halves. Honestly, I've had my trousers on the whole way through rehearsals, it wasn't until we got in to the theatre for tech rehearsals that I actually had to pull them down and, to be honest, I was more concerned with getting my butt out and whether the audience could see the G-string up my crack - which I have to say was not very comfortable."

He said honestly, you saw that didn't you! Twice. He was concentrating more on not getting a hard on. And guys don't talk like that in front of girls.

"Lovely!" I say, at the grim image, although it's good to know he was properly covered up, of course. "How do you even rehearse something like that? I mean, you must need to get into it or something. It must get you ... excited."

She's calling him a shit actor. How does that make you feel again, Jude?

Still not impressed.

"Baby, I'm acting," he says matter-of-factly. "Plus, even in rehearsals we had the director with us and all sorts, so I was always concerned about making it look right and standing at the correct angle or whatever. It's professional and it's just work. I'm not stupid enough to think what's happening at work crosses over into real life."

Most sensible thing Billy has said so far. Go on Bills, tell her about the essence of the play and the relevance of that first scene she's fixated on.

"But yet you have dated your co-stars," I blurt.

*speechless*

"What?" he says, pulling away from me as though my words have literally punched him backwards.

With you, Bills. She's in full on bunny-boiler mode.

 

"Well, obviously at some point with them it became a reality ..." I say meekly, instantly regretting having said anything about his past.

You should regret it! You're calling him unprofessional!

I hadn't even thought of this earlier, so have no idea where the concern has come from.

You did think about it earlier. It's coming from the fact your face hasn't been that close to his junk, and your first peep at his ass was when 200- or so other people got a glimpse too.

"That was completely different," he says drily, looking away from me.

Billy's brilliant here. You should be pissed off. You should break it off now, before she gets so into boiling bunnies, there's none left.

 

We sit in silence, unsure how to correct what's been said and erase the negativity between us, which has never been there before.

Honeymoon's over, people! And there wouldn't be any negativity if you hadn't just made this about you.

"I'm sorry ..." I start.

I hope that is just the start. Wait, no ...

"No, you've got nothing to be sorry for," he says turning back to me slowly. "I was single then, Soph. Everything was different back then. But baby, I'd never do anything to hurt you. You must know that?" His arms engulf me, making me feel safe once more.

The fuck? She has everything to be sorry for. She's being judgemental and close-minded. I had to re-read that line about being single, and I realised he meant he was single to begin with, before hooking up with his co-stars. He wasn't cheating ... I read it as 'hey, we were co-stars with benefits, we weren't dating!'

And stop with the fucking lines!

"It was just strange for me, you know?" I explain. "I'm not used to any of this."

 

Is all I'm going to say.

"I know. I should've told you what was happening right from the start," he says with a pained sigh. "I knew it."

You ... you did.

"Why didn't you then?"

He DID.

"I thought about it, I mentioned it to Paul."

That's a comma splice and I hate you.

"And what did he say to do?" I ask.

Stop digging for dirt on my future husband!

"He said it was best not to worry you unnecessarily. That I'd make you think it was worse than it actually was."

This isn't him telling Billy not to say anything, this is Paul telling him to think through how he says it, because from what Billy's told him, Sophie is delicate. Exercising caution to protect her.

I love Paul.

How interesting that Paul had queried the fact that Billy had chosen not to say anything about it, when he'd specifically told Billy not to tell me.

That's not what Paul said, and not what Billy's telling you.

"I see ..."

You don't.

"How was it with Paul, by the way?"

Pretty good *reaches for a cigarette* much better than you, he knows how to treat a woman ...

Ahem.

"Fine. I'm not sure he likes me very much though."

Don't blame him.

"Really? I'm sure he does. It was just a stressful situation tonight, lots of schmoozing to be getting on with. He was probably just preoccupied. I'm sure you two will get on like a house on fire soon enough."

He was preoccupied. But also, that's a huge assumption to make. One is your employee who seems to have a father-like role in your life. One is your new beau. You have different reasons for having them in your life. Does Paul like baking? Sophie doesn't understand his intent ... they're never going to get along. Saying it right now, and this is as far as I've read.

"Maybe," I say, deciding not to tell him about the conversation outside and Paul's flippant behaviour towards me.

Because Billy will side with Paul, or you'll tell it wrong, because you're so determined that Paul's the bad guy here.

Perhaps Billy's right and it was just a tense night for him, his keenness to get it right leading him to act bizarrely. Maybe ...

He was acting bizarrely? WTF?

And that's the end of chapter ten, thank God.