Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 11

Chapter eleven is weird. There's no other way to say it. When we delve into it, you're going to join me in thinking 'what do you have in common?' like seriously, why are Billy and Sophie pretending that they belong together?

I'm not trying to be naive, I've been with people where it seems we have nothing in common but we are able to communicate and find a middle ground in our likes and dislikes ... someone point me to the part where Sophie and Billy have this, at the end of the chapter, please? Okay ... here we go ...

It starts with Sophie having a gossip with Molly on the phone.

 

And Molly's wanting to know what Billy's acting is like on the stage. Sophie's response is pretty apt:

"Honestly, Molly, I've never seen anything like it! The whole production was incredible."

Nope, she's never seen a faux-blow job first hand. But it was incredible *winks* so then Sophie and Molly laugh at the fact that the professionals are better than the local amateurs (isn't that implied in the terminology?) and then Sophie said it was interesting. Molly wants to know how and Sophie says she saw his ass in a roundabout way. And Molly replies with something my five-year-old is too mature to say:

"Oh, is that all? I thought you meant the front bit. Well, I wouldn't mind seeing that."

Oh, what lolz, that reads like Molly wants to see Billy's penis. But honestly, 'front bit'? Again, my five year old? He calls it a winky, and has picked up the word noony for girls. And winky and noony are still a step UP from 'front bit'.

Also, Winky and Noony could totally be House Elf names, which is a little wrong ...

And then, oh this is an hilarious conversation, Molly says she meant the play, not Billy's penis or his ass. We get some Sophie brand emo where she says everyone was really cliquey and Molly feels bad she was out of the loop, and then Sophie takes the time to badmouth Paul. Why do you hate my man, Sophie? Sophie tells Molly she thinks Paul thinks that she's going to corrupt Billy. Sorry about that horrible phrasing ... when did Paul say that? He said exercise caution, which is astounding advice. And then Sophie admits maybe she read too much into it, but that also, Paul must be hated because he calls Billy 'Bill' and that's not his name. Bill is too pompous, apparently. Molly thinks that's hilarious.

What a bitch. Seriously, Billy isn't his name either, it's a shorter version of William. His name, if you're going to be that pedantic, is William Buskin. He asks you to call him Billy, but you've seen him interact for minutes with his manager, you don't know the relationship. They probably cleared it years ago that Bill is an acceptable term. It's faster to say, it reduces the name to one syllable (so does my habit of calling him Bills) and also, Sophie, it's none of your damn business.

Sophie talks herself out of telling Molly about Paul's advice or 'rude comments' as she puts it. She has a brief moment of clarity which backs up everything I said in my last post:

It could be that he is just wary of people's intentions when they get close to Billy and is looking out for him. I'll give Paul another chance, I think.

Like you even have a damn choice.

We have a section break where we skip the monotony of work and character building. Seriously, if Sophie's not with Billy, the only other scenes are there to talk about him, we've done the talking about, let's do the talking to. Billy's called Sophie, sounding really excitable. She's making Pavlova. He wants to go to the pub with his co-workers.

She decides that, because he won't come home that minute, the Pavlova is going to go to waste. Guess Billy isn't rich enough to afford refrigeration. Billy says they've gone against that stage conspiracy shit and checked all the reviews anyway, and they're all five stars!

Like fuck they are. They're full of praise for Billy, not one negative comment, so he's banging all the reviewers? I don't know. Billy waits until they've massaged his ego enough to ask Sophie to come along. And this is when the bad taste in my mouth started in this chapter.

"Well, that's amazing! Congratulations," I say. "No wonder you want to celebrate!"
"Come out!" he asks suddenly.
"What?" I laugh, looking down at my purple pyjamas covered in little cartoon penguins.
"Come join us."
"Oh, honey ..."

She spends five seconds imagining dolling herself up and going to see him. But she has work tomorrow, guys, and she's not spontaneous at all, and this is last minute for him asking, and she can't change her plans now. It makes her nervous.

Like when she gave up her entire way of life mere weeks after meeting Billy.

 

Sorry, I know loads of people who're like 'I start work at six, so as long as I'm in bed by two ...' I work with people who will do a slew of double shifts (no, I'm not one of them, I have a child and constant fatigue. My nine hours scheduled and three hours extra are far more than enough) so this smells of lazy bullshit. This is another check in the bunny boiler box.

Billy's all 'you look cute in your PJ's! Come out in them!' so I guess he's one of the drunk guys/guys reeking of weed so bad I get the munchies from the kitchen who come out at 2am and forget the food they even ordered. They always have PJ girls, if the girls are wearing anything.

Billy can't persuade Sophie to socialise or have fun or cut loose in anyway, and she's like 'nope, night, see you later!' and hangs up ...

the flat feels emptier and quieter than before. I stand there rooted to the spot for a short time, feeling lost and unsure of what to do with myself. I don't feel like watching television or reading a book. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel deflated. I feel empty.

*disgusted. Absolutely disgusted*

-The 'flat' was always quiet, you didn't describe playing music or putting the TV on. It was always empty too, it's the two of you in a millionaire's pad.

-Do you ever know what to do with yourself? Or does someone always have to entertain you, like you expected of Paul and Ruth? Or do you just not function without your man? In which case, I hate you. I'll reference my work again - as an unpaid author - take Carter, who starts the novel with a steady girlfriend. When he's not with her, he has four friends to visit or call (Fearn, Becki, Thomas, Lambrini), he has a mass of brothers, one of whom - Cody - he gets along very well with. He has a good relationship with his mother. If he doesn't want to talk to other people, he listens to his iPod, he tries to play guitar, he reads AP magazine, he even grudgingly does his homework sometimes. He's also got a good relationship with Lambrini's father, so sometimes he goes and spends time with him. All of this gets featured a decent amount. I don't understand why you would make your protagonist so bland that without the other feature person, they have nothing.

Okay, let's not focus on my writing. Let's focus on one of my favourite romance authors, albeit Young Adult. Sarah Dessen. We'll pick Annabel, because she was the first character I read about, and she starts her story (Just Listen) with no friends. She's a model for the local mall, and has two older sisters. One who is in film school in New York, and the other is a recovering anorexic. She befriends Owen, who seems massive, and angry, and listens to weird things like entire tracks of fishermen tales over the sound of the ocean. Taps dripping for seven minutes nonstop. Gregorian Chants. He opens up a whole world for Annabel and asks for nothing in return, but Annabel is holding onto a major secret and ends up hurting him. And when they're apart, rather than acting like Sophie is, Annabel throws herself into the modelling, and pleasing her mother, and it's only when she finds a CD Owen gave her that doesn't even work that she begins thinking things through. She also meets Remy and Dexter (you have to read Sarah's novels, all her characters make reappearances throughout the other novels. Remy and Dexter are from This Lullaby) so win.

I really want to read Sarah right now. The Moon and More is my treat for finishing this book.

Anyway, back to my points:

-you feel deflated? Why? He hasn't let you down. If it's about spending time with Billy, he asked for that - just in another location.

-and empty? Yeah, I agree, the above characters show that you, Sophie, are pretty freaking empty.

Sophie then kind of just stands there, staring around at Billy's knick-knacks and narrating that he offered for her to bring more stuff and she refused but now she realises it's like staying in a hotel. She didn't want to take over as well, remember that. she says those words. I didn't want it to look like I was taking over.

We get some more whinging about how this is still very much Billy's house, and then Sophie puts a dome over the Pavlova, gets a glass of water (you rebel) and goes to bed 'ignoring the loneliness that niggles away at my heart.'

Hands up who thinks Sophie made a huge mistake already?

Section break time! This is where I usually start the next chapter, just for random, slightly more interesting information.

Sophie's woken by laughter. Loud, high-pitched laughter. I'd imagine a bit like

 

Oh. My. Gwaaaaaaaaaaaawd!

Anyway, so Sophie says she's woken up by it, but then reiterates by saying it's 'dragging her from her dreams'. Because you dream every night, guys!

The room is dark, so Sophie knows immediately that it's late, but since the time frame should put this around early April? British Summer Time just kicked in, it can be any time after 6pm and be dark this point of the year.

So anyway, lots of people are talking over one another, completely animated. Sounds like Billy has a secret TOWIE fetish. But Sophie doesn't investigate if the voices are coming from the TV:

What is going on?

Who are all these people that have interrupted my sleep?

Why are they here?

My sleepy mind can't quite cope with the unexpected commotion and is slow to piece together an explanation.

Billy.

He has decided to bring people back to the flat.

-You don't know that for sure.

-It might be the TV.

-Yeah, how the fuck dare they interrupt YOUR sleep in YOUR flat?

-Did anyone else read Billy's name like he is so trouble and so help me mister, if your father was home you'd be grounded from here to Kingdom Come?

Okay, McDonald's thing I maybe shouldn't share but is such common sense I have to. Listen, ask questions, sympathise, fix it now. Complaints procedure for managers.

Did she listen to Billy's explanation? Ask if he'd considered her opinion? Show empathy when he explains he knew she was shy and thought it would be best on home ground? Reach a mutually acceptable agreement as a result? Did she fuck.

Billy crawls in (to HIS bedroom) and asks her what she's doing. It's written like he's drunk, but in case I missed that, Sophie tells me. I'm an idiot, you see.

"What are you doing?" he asks in a childlike whisper - clearly having decided to have a few more than the one or two drinks he had promised.
"Sleeping!" I say, hoping my dull tone conveys the fact that I'm not impressed.
"Ha! No you're not!"

He's right Sophie, you're standing there staring again. Unless you sleepwalk and can hold conversations unconscious? And exclamation marks don't normally signal a dull tone, which likewise cannot convey the impatience you've described there. Either it is dull from a need for sleep and slightly slurred, or you're exclaiming because how DARE Billy bring people back to his flat without seeking express permission from the chick he moved in weeks ago?

But also Bills, that's really fucking immature, and her hair's probably mussed, her eyes puffy from the reintroduction of light and lingering sleep, and she's probably giving you the evil eye while folding her arms. Is she scowling? She doesn't want to play, shut the fuck up and give her a little respect. I know, I know, it's hard and this hurts right now, but I have been in Sophie's place and it's not fun.

Uni, since you're asking. My housemate had friends over, and I had a downstairs bedroom. At three AM, one of them got locked out by the others and stood banging on my window shouting 'SIMONE! SIMONE!' and since my name is not Simone, I ignored the fuck out of the wanker waking me up. I had a lecture at 9 AM.

So anyway, Billy talks about his thinking process of 'you can stay in your PJs and hang with us now' and Sophie says no, I have to be up in a few. Billy doesn't seem to understand, so Sophie insists she needs sleep. He says 'it's only Coffee Matters' and I'm thinking ... they've been together for maybe eight weeks, and they're already fighting like this. He wants to party, she wants to knuckle down. Neither of them are trying to see things in the other's way ... they're horribly incompatible.

Sophie's all 'I know he's right but my job shouldn't be less important than his' to which I say, get out of the job you're bitching about and DO BESPOKE CAKES! Fuck's sake ...

Sophie snaps at Billy that she doesn't want to when he's going 'come ooooooooon' and then he calls her boring. He asks her why she doesn't want to have any fun together. He makes a good point, but he's being an incredible arsehole about it. Sophie kinda clams up and he strops off, so that Sophie can emo her way into trying for him. Billy's a little bit of a manipulative arsehole, isn't he?

And what was Paul saying, the first conversation with Sophie? Sophie, remember that, he was warning you about scenes like this. Especially as Billy doesn't send anyone home, or ask them to shut up, he just delves straight in there. Sophie tries for a little bit to sleep but shows a little more of her psychiatric problems by not being able to do so with other people around. She goes into the lounge, where Billy and four friends are sprawled on the sofas.

They sound like they're having an orgy, because they're draped all over one another 'like some sort of Renaissance painting'. She recognises them all by name and gives a description, which is hilarious because she couldn't do that for Billy when they first met. Fiona gets instant bitch points, not just for being a girl in Billy's presence, but because she's eating the Pavlova and smoking. Billy's obviously cool with smokers in his house but Sophie is 'not sure which of her two activities I'm more annoyed at.'

And uh-oh, what did I say last time? Exhibit B, Your Honour, for reasons why Sophie thinks Billy is screwing Ruth. Ruth has her head on Billy's lap, Your Honour, and he has his arm laid across her body so that his hand is on her thigh.

Their closeness makes me inwardly squirm and feel uncomfortable. They look like a couple. I have a sudden urge to drag Billy back to the bedroom and ask him what he thinks he's playing at, but I don't.

Take the hint Sophie. Paul saw something like this happening, go with your gut. Go back home.

Fuck you Billy, now I'm rooting for her to leave and steal a bunch of your shit to go with her. The stuff she can pawn. She can burn the rest.

It gets worse.

Nobody jumps up to rearrange themselves - they all stay in their comfortable positions, as though there is nothing wrong or inappropriate with the affectionate way they're sitting. Perhaps there isn't. Maybe my awkwardness at it says less about them and their theatrical chummy ways and more about me and my inability to be so free and open.

Maybe you're both on cloud cuckoo and the middle ground between the two is more standard? And this coming from a girl who doesn't like to be touched unless she cares about someone.

Billy's smug about Sophie being there, and Ruth asks if they woke her up, while frisking Billy. Fiona says the cake is delicious, which is fucking hilarious, because it's a meringue:

 

and Sophie gets all flattered and warms up to them. She wonders if she should cuddle up to one of the guys who isn't Billy (as revenge? To make him jealous?) but decides to do what she was, apparently, born to do. She acts like a tea girl.

So much for her pre-press thought. And is that why Billy poached her from her old life? A free maid he just has to kiss occasionally? God, I'm really beginning to hate him.

Also, I want to add in this excerpt. It's not from Billy and Me, but from the McFly autobiography. Oh yeah, I've gone there! It's long, but I hope you can see the parallels I drew from this chapter:

Harry:  ... back at the band house, it was party time. I had different mates around every night, and I'd discovered that Dougie, too, was happy to join me in a smoke. I read him the riot act: "Dude, you can't tell Tom ... Danny said he'd go crazy ..."
Once the others were back from Florida, we were super careful to hide our habit from Tom. But as the weeks passed, we grew a bit sloppy. We started smoking by the open window in Dougie's room, feeling a bit bummed out that Tom wasn't into it and that we had to hide what we were doing. We were having too much fun getting stoned, and it sucked having to be so secretive.

Tom: I might have been naïve, but it didn't take more than a few weeks for me to work out that something was going on, especially given that the whole house stank of cannabis. Not that I knew what the smell was, of course, but when I started to suspect that the guys were doing something they shouldn't be, I was ten times more alert to the little telltale signs. Why were they so obviously waiting for me to go to bed? Why did I suddenly feel a bit left out? And as Harry and Dougie were getting sloppier and sloppier at keeping things secret, I soon twigged what was happening.
I spoke to Danny about it first. "Mate, I think Harry and Dougie might be doing drugs."
He nodded, all wide-eyed innocence. "Yeah, I know ... shocker."
The penny dropped. I sat in my room and burst into tears. Our band had barely begun, and already our drummer and bass player were a couple of drug fiends! What would our management say if they found out? What would my parents say? Even worse than that, I was worried what would happen if the public found out. We were still unknown, but I knew that it was just a matter of weeks before we would be catapulted into the public eye. If it leaked out that half our band was doing drugs, our career would be over before it had even started.

The only difference here that I can see? Cake has replaced drugs, and actors have replaced bandmates. The upshot of the scene above? Tom amended their manager's rules so they only smoked weed once a week, outside, after 11pm. They soon broke his rules, so he drew them a note of them toking up with the words 'Rule Breakers' ... and then joined in. So in the chapter of Billy and me ... has Giovanna put Sophie in Tom's place?