Sexuality

This is going to be one of those slightly uncomfortable posts. Or very uncomfortable posts. I think I might be good at both of those.

I'm going to kinda frankly and very unclearly discuss my own sexuality. I am going to leave the actual post a little further down the page, so if you don't care or don't like discussing it or you think I'm being more self-centred than a blogger normally is, you can skip over it.




















































Still with me? Okay. I've been reading a lot of anti-fifty shades stuff. Like, a lot. At the moment, I'm reading through Das Sporking, and I've already made it clear I'm a Jenny Trout fan. And a lot has been said about different sexualities and it's kinda made me think.

See, I've only dated guys, and not many of them either. Yet people tend to think I'm a lesbian, or they did as I was growing up. Nowadays, I work with a few lesbians ... and no. I'm seriously nothing like them.

Anyway, I'm not too fussed about the whole going-out-with-someone thing. I've always found it a little surreal when I do end up with someone. And my last boyfriend (I don't count the rebound who ended up being my son's dad) was when I was 21. That's a pretty long time ... like seven years.

I don't know ... I mean, when I like someone, I'm pretty clear on the fact it's a crush and I don't normally want it to go past 'they're pretty and I like looking at them now and then' and it's rarely reciprocated, which is okay. Like, there's a guy I work with right now that I joke about with, and everyone thinks I'm besotted with him because he is man-pretty and we can joke about ... but I'm not. I don't want anything, except to out-gross him with banter.

That's not right, is it? As in, not conventional. Enter the stuff I've been reading lately, the stuff talking about the lesbian, gay, transgender communities ... and Asexuality came up. A lot. And that's got me wondering. It sounds weird saying I have a child but I think I might be asexual, but that's where I'm at right now. Like, sometimes I miss having someone to hug when I feel a little down, but that's it. That's all I want. And apparently this fits in with demisexual, or demiromantic. So ... not like I always like a label on it, but I think I am demiromantic (a person who may identify as a "grey asexual" because they may feel sexual desire once a reasonably stable/large emotional connection has been created, according to Wikipedia) and I actually kinda feel a little better about how I view life knowing I have that kind of label.

And I don't think the shit I put right at the beginning of this blog has anything to do with it. Maybe Disney does, or going to an all-girls high school and being made to feel like because I wasn't boy-obsessed or girl-obsessed, or because I was too clinical in sexual health lessons that I must be a freak. Maybe it's because actually, I wasn't that impressed when I did lose my virginity (at 21 as well. Long-lived, obviously. Yes, same person. No, I cannot in any way relate to Ana Steele and her attitude to sex. Sorry, but that girl should be way more like me) and I kept thinking 'really? Is this it?' - I thought that with a guy I loved.

It makes me wonder about how effective I'm going to be, writing the story that I am ... nothing like a crash in confidence writing an obscure version of romance than being an obscure version of sexuality.

So anyway, I guess ... there you go. If I have to go for a person, it will be male (unless it's my friend Martha, but that's a whole other story ;) ) but I most probably won't be with someone for a long time, and even then, I'll probably seem offhand and aloof about the whole thing, because they might excite me as a person, but their mind and soul will be far, far more important to me than the way they kiss or, anything else. It's not celibacy, either ... I just don't get the whole need-for-sex thing, period.

**edit** Okay, I'm actually kinda upset. The view count for this page sky-rocketed and I was like 'really?' and maybe hoping someone was reading with a little more knowledge on this tangent and could maybe offer advice, but no. It's all spambots, and I have no idea, beyond the choice of topic name, as to why that could be. The spambots view every page, but once maybe, or twice. Not a couple of hundred times. Does anyone with a better working knowledge of blogger than me know of a way of blocking those sites? It actually feels like it's undermined everything I was actually writing.

And further to this edit, I found a page of asexual terminologies (which is awesome, because pie, cake, and erasure are all entries in there, though they affect everyone ;) ) and it had another term for something I described above. Lithromantic. It means you can be attracted to someone but not want reciprocation. So there we go, I guess, I'm a lithromantic demiromantic. I can feel emotions but expect nothing back, and I don't go looking for it, it happens when it happens and until then, ehhh. It's like crusts on sandwiches, I can eat them, they fill my tummy ... they're just not to my taste.