Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 21

Hey. So, you know how last chapter I was like ‘Squee! This is the best thing Giovanna’s ever written, it’s so realistic! Guess it must be editor’s notes!’

I’m pretty sure it was editor’s notes. Because chapter 21 ... chapter 21 ... you know when you get fanfics of say, Harry Potter and the secondary characters act nothing like they do in the books? Like Neville in the Ariana Black series? That’s chapter 21. Billy is not in character, Sophie is not in character, Heidi is not in character. It feels like Giovanna was having a tantrum over her editor’s suggestions (as you saw in my 100^th post, I know from writing your tantrums out) and although she allowed them, this was her rebuttal.

I can’t think of any way to really do this, because I am going to get mad. But then I thought ‘hey, they’re all hideously OOC, like they’re in a play. I’ll script this crap!’ – maybe I’m reading Mervin’s take on Rose Potter too much (one sentence is too much, but Mervin’s asides are worth it) but I think it’s the best way forward. Also, being OOC is another check on fanfic/Mary Sue bingo. Did you think I forgot that, Giovanna?

Sophie: I am at home. I am having a tantrum. I always get my own way Billy! I mean, chuh, I’m an only child, I’m used to it. You have a big family, you’re used to conceding. I want to break Billy’s shit, because this is an appropriate reaction to him doing his job. Billy is so mean for putting his work before me. It’s all about ME! We never argue like this, in the five minutes we’ve known each other. What’s a honeymoon period? But I am right as well, not ‘overly sensitive’ as Billy put it. When have I ever been over-sensitive in this entire book? Exactly. I’ve spent some of this afternoon wondering if I could be wrong, in a nod to my so-called lack of self-esteem, but then I remember Billy’s a dick and that makes me right again.

Still Sophie: Yeah, I am monologue-ing in a bad way right now. I am so ready for Billy to come home so I can scream at him. I will tell him exactly how he has messed up and how wrong he was, so he can see how right I am. Because I am. Right. I am right. I’m not wrong. That’s Billy, he’s wrong. Someone’s texting me. It’s Billy. I hope he’s grovelling already, although I will still chew him out, because he’s wrong.

Billy’s text: Having din-dins with my director-poo. g2g. brb. Chats later, kthnxbai.

Sophie: Today has been totally horrendous, completely devastating.  We could be over. But instead of coming to me like he’s meant to, he’s picking his director and therefore his work above ME? He should be rectifying his mistakes, which include listening to the director and following the directors directions. This just shows how Billy’s thinking right now, and it’s not good because he’s not thinking about me. He’s been doing this in all the months I’ve known him or something. Since the BAFTA’s that happened at the wrong time of year or something, let’s go with that. Billy’s priorities have changed. I remember when we met and he took the Mr Darcy role to prove he was a serious actor, and then the stage play to prove he was a serious actor, and then this latest role to prove he was a serious actor. We decided – I did, but same thing – we decided we’d have a happy home life and build for a long future together, and we’d keep Billy grounded. And now it’s all about his career, and people respecting him for his acting talent more. He needs to be desired and admired more than I do, which can’t happen. Billy is changing far too much. Maybe it’s playing this Stan guy, he’s becoming narcissistic and selfish and egotistical just like Stan. What’s a method actor? Maybe Billy’s confusing fiction with reality once the cameras stop rolling, like I frequently do. But taking a pretend life that far into your own is a ridiculous idea to me.

*scene break.*

Sophie: The hours have passed. I can’t do transitions, that’s why we have a scene change, although I’m still in the exact place in our house. I’m not feisty anymore, like I was in the last section break, because it’s been hours and I don’t understand about short-lived feelings. I’m now paranoid, and fragile, and lonely, and nervous, so I guess I’m at least a little bit in-character for this paragraph. Where is Billy? I forgot he told me in the text. I know he has to go to work early tomorrow, so why’s he out late now? Has he died or gotten AIDS? I am now likening Billy’s absence to the time I had a tantrum at my dad and he died getting marshmallows for my hot chocolate, because I couldn’t drink the peasants version without. I feel sick. I tried to call Billy at 2am because I can’t sleep without my human teddy bear but he’s not answering me. He couldn’t be asleep anywhere else. I sit on the sofa and hug a cushion and stare at the wall clock like a crazy until this section ends.

Sophie: Wow, I actually broke my batshit cray-cray long enough to maybe doze off for a nap, probably. I woke up to my phone ringing, like I have a billion other times this book because Giovanna thinks that’s a good wake-up, and I hope it’s Billy. I really need to chew him out. It’s not Billy, it’s Paul. Eh, close enough, even though Paul is evil and I hate him. Billy likes him, and Billy would talk to him, so I will deign to talk to Paul. Hi Paul.

Paul: Sophie?

Sophie: I will not confirm this, even though I waxed lyrical about the tenor of my voice from my lack of sleep. I will instead demand to know of Billy’s whereabouts.

Paul: Yes, I know where Billy is, crazy bitch.

Sophie: Where is he? What happened to him? Does he still have his limbs? Does he still have his fame? Why didn’t he come home last night for me to scream at him and have angry hate-you sex? I am stumped on this one.

Paul: Billy’s fine.

Sophie: Look, Paul, I keep asking where Billy is, you’re not giving much away. WHERE IS BILLY?!

Paul: He stayed here last night. He’s at work now.

Sophie: Why?

Paul: Because he’s a lead and in most of the scenes? I will sigh dramatically so you can be more neurotic.

Sophie: I am neurotic! Is Paul annoyed with me? Does he hate dealing with me and my existence in Billy’s life? Is he still trying to take Billy away from me? I will put way too much weight on this sigh, even if it’s early morning and he probably called me first thing when he woke up because Billy asked him to. I won’t appreciate what Paul does for Billy at all.

Paul: Look, he went for that dinner tonight. I’m too busy for your usual shit. Billy will tell you, because you know, communication is key to a decent relationship. He’ll be back at nine. I only called to give you that five-word message. I should learn to text you instead. But Sophie? This ain’t my issue.

Sophie: Oh my God Paul, what could this possibly mean? Has Billy gone to a strip club, or a brothel? Has he cheated on me? Why? I’m Sophie May, dammit!

Paul: Sophie, I work for Billy. I am Team Billy. I called as a favour to my client. Frankly bitch, you can’t afford my charges. And your attitude yesterday was appalling and if I were Billy I would kick you to the curb. I guess you’re lucky Billy’s so whipped.

Sophie: What? Did you actually judge me on my attitude when you weren’t even there?

Paul: For fuck’s sake Sophie, stop grilling me. I’m keeping mum. Billy will tell you. I don’t deal with your relationship, I just have to keep Billy on top form. You are making it really hard to encourage him to focus. I’m going to hang up now, crazy bint.

Sophie: I immediately start crying, even without an audience. This means something has definitely happened. There is no other possible explanation for why Billy would sleep at Paul’s last night, because I am temporarily forgetting about my behaviour. Unless Paul is lying, like I always suspect Paul of doing, and Billy slept somewhere else. Is Paul covering for him? Has Billy cheated on me? I’m going to mention cameras and stuff, which makes no sense, before I declare it as fact. Billy. Has. Cheated.

Sophie: I put in another section break, to make that statement extra powerful, despite my lack of evidence. The hours go by, but I refuse to keep myself busy. I did that yesterday, by the way, though I won’t really mention how. I have no energy, because my stupid thought pattern has wiped me out. I spend the entire day sitting on the sofa, staring at the wall. I think I’m becoming numb to pain but it’s eating me up inside so clearly one of these things can’t be. Molly keeps calling me, and I would love to hear a friendly voice, but she’ll probably say I’m over-dramatic and side with Billy, and anyway this is more dramatic. I prefer the silence. I won’t go into how it can be silent and my phone can keep going off at the same time. I need another section break.

Sophie: I hear a key! A key in the lock! It must be Billy! I mean, Billy holding a key, not Billy being the key. He hesitates, for drama, then lets himself in. I’m still on the sofa. He’s got shit posture, and his face is red like he’s been crying. He looks drained, and in shock, but surprised by me sitting here. Why does he look so shitty? We fought yesterday. God! He looks at me, and bows his head in shame so I know I’m superior here. I MUST have been right. He crouches down and starts crying, punching the floor with his fist. What a fucking drama queen. I stay where I am, watching him and lapping up his performance and feeling like the queen of fucking Sheba. I am interpreting his crocodile tears as confession. He has cheated. I listen to his cries and want to tell him to shut up, but then I couldn’t lord this over him. I will suffer his suffering.

Billy: I’m so sorry!

Sophie: He stands up, his hands over his face, but his breath hitching. I don’t even guess that he’s hiding the fact there are no tears to go with the histrionics. He comes closer, and I flinch like an abuse victim, to make him seem even worse. But he doesn’t touch me, or try to get me to hug him – huh, as if right now – he sits next to me, staring at the floor. I guess he took his hands away from his face, but I don’t mention irrelevant details like that.

Billy: I’m so sorry.

Sophie: Too late bitch.

Billy: I can explain!

Sophie: Will explaining it take it all away?

Billy: No, because an explanation defines, it doesn’t delete.

Sophie: Then I don’t want to know.

Billy: But you have to understand!

Sophie: I will now employ the silent treatment. I am loving how Billy isn’t even questioning my assumption that he’s cheated. That means he’s clearly cheated. Oh, fuck, my silence means that he now thinks he can explain, even though I said no.

Billy: I need to tell you everything! First, I will centre myself through breathing. There. So I felt shit when you left yesterday. I sucked, but I will say it’s because I missed you and not because you’re pathetic tantrum threw me out of whack. I will use a lot of lines in this speech, like ‘I hated knowing I’d upset you so much’ so that you will eat this shit up. Max suggested taking me and Heidi for dinner, and I agreed because maybe he’d say in a restaurant the stuff he should have said while we were filming. I went to see Paul first, and agreed to meet Max and Heidi in the restaurant. When I got there, it was just Heidi. She said Max was coming, but we should order.

Sophie: Carry on, even though I just said I didn’t want to hear it. I am surprisingly okay with you having dinner one-on-one with Heidi, compared to everything else I’ve been jealous of so far this book.

Billy: Heidi seemed happier than she has been lately. We had a lot of fun, she was so funny.

Sophie: Oh, how good for you! /sarcasm

Billy: Please don’t be a bitch Sophie, I’m trying to grovel. So Max never showed and Heidi was like, lolsurprise, we’re on a date! Even though I said we were cool but at the same time she’s been a frosty bitch. There has been no hint that she was after anything more since she appeared, but she must be vilified nonetheless, right? I was all ‘what’s up with this shit Heidi?’ and she was all ‘it’s nice to bond again, just us, amiright? And then when we got our second course she started reminiscing about the old days and how she pictures me naked while she beats one out and how popular would we be in the press if we got back together? I said, wait, aren’t you getting married? PLOTHOLE! And then started talking about getting a playstation 4 and she got pissy.

Sophie: Poor thing /sarcasm

Billy: As soon as we had the cheese and biscuits round, after dessert and coffees, I asked for the bill and we were out of there. I must have been pissed, like full on legless. I won’t guess if Heidi roofied me, because I don’t think Giovanna knows what a roofie is. But then Heidi pounced on me, sucking my face like a lollipop and being really out of character. She even grabbed my dick, at least, I think she did. Giovanna made me say ‘cupping my bits’.

Sophie: And then you went to hers, told Paul to cover for you, and fucked her brains out. How lovely. I no longer want to hear this, forgetting that I said earlier I didn’t want to hear this.

Billy: No, you’ve made me a complete prude. Plus, something about commitment. Oh, a photographer was there, she got a picture of the whole thing.

Sophie: Muchlolz!

Billy: I gave Heidi my confused puppy-dogs, and she was grinning, like surprise! She called us the next Brangelina, and I realised she’d set it up! I couldn’t believe it, because it’s unbelievably out of character. I pushed her away and was like ‘ewww, gross, I can’t even do this shit with my girlfriend!’ and I wanted to come home-

Sophie: Oh, but you didn’t. You must be lying, even though I will count this as you cheating, since you’re describing being so into this kiss and all.

Billy: No, I went to Paul for some advice.

Sophie: What about me? I’m a neurotic mess, you can’t just leave me in the dark! I thought you died!

Billy: Sorry, I was asking Paul to trace the photographer and stop the story. A series of unbelievable events occurred and we couldn’t stop the story running. Even though you usually get notified in advance, like when Dougie in Mcfly was in rehab and that story broke and Mcfly were discussing it for days before allowing it to happen. Real life, huh?

Sophie: So Billy will be in the papers again. I will now make Billy feel shitty for considering me so much, especially after my unreasonable behaviour. Did you snog her back?

Billy: What?

Sophie: It’s a simple question Billy, it only requires a yes-or-no. I will be a bitch whatever, so the relevance of the question is of itself questionable ... I guess that’s what you were really asking.

Billy: Yes. No. I don’t know! It happened so fast, like when the Winchesters steal a gun that’s been poking them in the head without the trigger ever being pulled. I wasn’t thinking.

Sophie: Do you fancy her?

Billy: That line again? I mean, no!

Sophie: Okay, I will rephrase, but I’m basically asking if you fancy her. Do you have lingering feelings for her?

Billy: Urgh, no, she’s nasty and dirty and smelly and I hate her because I might lose you and I don’t want to lose you! She’s a wicked bitch! Are these words actually coming out of my mouth?

Sophie: It’s not her fault you fancy each other. All the girls do. You’re such a flirt, you were a manwhore before me, you treated me like dirt yesterday for no reason.

Billy: *grovels*

Sophie: *getting into the stride she was after at the very start of the chapter* You’ve changed, Billy. You used to be cool. It used to be about me, but you’ve lost your grip on reality, on what’s important. It’s all about your career. When did you change your perspective? Remember when you were like ‘Sophie, you don’t need to work’? Billy, you don’t need to work! I’ve changed too, I was all happy to live with you, but I’m not now, because now it’s all about you, and I need to think of me for a change.

(I’m not shitting. The actual line is “Your world is all about you, and I think I need something to be about me for a change.” Also, if you’re playing the Mcfly song title game, you can tick off All About You, which is actually Giovanna’s freaking song.)

Billy: But it is all about you. It’s all about you, baby. Dancing on the kitchen tiles, Yes, you made my life worthwhile, So I told you with a smile, It’s all about you. Anyway, I‘m hurting that you’re hurting. I want you happy. I’m so sorry that I’m such a cad. You were right, the scene was gross. I should have prepared you in some way. I should have been a diva and rewritten the entire script. How dare I have tried to justify it, or see it from the correct viewpoint, if it differed from yours! It’s sick. Sick and depraved. I can’t believe I allowed you to think for one nanosecond that you were the one with the problem. There should be no nipples, or licking of nipples, in any kind of cinematic display. Like, in Titanic, Kate Winslet’s boobies? Ugh! So degrading and not artistic at all, right? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so, so, so, sorry!

Sophie: I will allow you to continue to grovel, and tell me I’m right.

Billy: I throw myself at you *throws self at Sophie* I love you oh-so-much. Never leave me, I’m so co-dependent. You’re so important to me.

*end scene*

Sophie: Billy eventually stopped crying and apologising after a few hours. Good, it was getting a little bit annoying. But he has giving me a great idea. We went to bed together, agreeing to talk in the morning, because everyone thinks it’s healthy to go to bed on an argument. Guess I’m about to prove that one. I don’t sleep, for drama purposes. I want my mummy! I don’t want to be here. Billy’s sleeping through my angst. He looks like he has no concerns in his sleep, so I guess I wish he was having a nightmare. I don’t have much shit in his house, it won’t take me long to pack. I’ll leave the Vera Wang, so Billy can wear it. Billy might follow me to mum’s, so I will leave him an appropriately dramatic note. *does so* I walk out.

Sophie: Gosh, that was so dramatic, I needed a scene break just to get to the station. I go to WH Smiths, and buy the first paper I see with Billy’s face on it. I decide to read on the train, for suspense. I overhear some other girls.

Random extra: This is so terrible. Billy’s shagging his co-star. I thought he was happy with that fat nobody. It’s her I pity, because no one has done so in the right way yet. Maybe Sophie will appreciate more the vacuous pity of a stranger?

Sophie: Eh, it’ll do for now. I get on the train, and stare out of the window angsty and artfully, until I’ve mused enough on my role in Billy’s life and our rash decisions to move in together to be able to read the newspaper in just the right way. The picture is how Billy described, which he didn’t in the book so I will now. I will describe his emotions and how I can see them in the picture, and then say that if I didn’t have the knowledge that he was jumped and hating the kiss, I would think he was in love with Heidi. God, I can’t believe he cheated!

Newspaper: This is a repetition of Billy’s story. But Billy loves Heidi. He split up with Sophie. They fought in his trailer and everything, yo!

Sophie: Who did they quote? Was it Heidi? I bet it was Heidi, the bitch. This paper lies, but it will sell many copies and people will believe I’m not with Billy any longer. Let’s ignore the fact I just snuck out while he slept to run away from him. I can’t believe my entire pitiful life is once again in the papers for everyone to enjoy like I’m some sideshow! I spent all my teens avoiding attention! I didn’t want people to know me! And they still don’t, but now they think they do! Woe is me, I am the court jester!

Sophie: I needed another section break, because train journeys from London into Kent are surprisingly long. Like seriously, a high-speed still takes an hour to get to Dover? Only takes 50 minutes on a normal train to Southend! I get home, and ring the doorbell so I don’t have to look for my keys. Also, I get instattention from my mum this way.

Sophie’s mum: Sophie, you’re here! What’s wrong?

Sophie: Mum! *cries*

*chapter ends and fades to black*

I paraphrased the whole chapter, sure, but the basic storyline is the same. How fucking Mary Sue of her is it to have Billy grovel to Sophie like that? It’s a disgusting, disgusting chapter. And people still side with Sophie!