It's times like this I hate TTP the most.

So, if you don't know me personally by now, you may have picked up in these blog posts the type of person I am. I may not be beautiful, or particularly feminine, or the nicest person on the planet. But I think a lot, and I have a lot of determination, and useless general knowledge, and I'm kinda principled even if those principles may not seem cohesive. Like, why would I bitch in my recaps about Sophie ditching work to be little better than a socialite when I also bitch about my work? The main issue there being I bitch a lot (no, really!) and also, I wouldn't act without another plan.

What's my point right? Don't worry, I'm not having a self-esteem issue and doing a public motivational speech to myself, at least, not in that sense.

I got sent home from work today. I've never had that, not in the 8 years I've worked there. I was feeling hot, and dizzy, and nauseous, and disoriented. I was in a position where I had to communicate with a lot of people at once ... that's kind of hard to cope with. Still, I didn't feel good about leaving, even if I knew that's what I needed.

That's my conflict right now. Has been for a while actually. The more I find out about my illness, the more research that's done as time goes by ... I'm in the wrong place. But I'm not. Like, for the person I am, this job makes sense. It's physically and mentally demanding and there's always a challenge. I have to think on my feet, and own my mistakes. I eat that shit up. But every so often - and I think now is one of those times, and my boss called it too when he sent me home - it's like I hit a TTP wall. Like, my body is saying, "you can't do this anymore, you can't be you all the time anymore, you have to stop." And then my mind races but there's nothing there and I'm tired but I can't sleep, and I'm rushing but it's like running through quicksand. There's recent research from Arkansas that says TTP is just the start of needing long-term care. Five years ago, my doctors told me it wasn't a genetic thing, but the money we raised on the bridgathon is being put towards a genetic tracer thing.

Basically ... I think I might have to give up being a manager so I can get access to better hours. But the notion of a demotion makes me sick, like it was all for nothing, or I failed ... I'm not good with either concept. But I can't carry on being so up-and-down with this whole thing.

I really dislike reality right now.