Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 20

Chapter twenty makes me a little bit happy. I was cheering so hard for Billy in this chapter, but if you're in any way sympathetic to Sophie, like a lot of reviewers were, then he might seem like a major dickwad. You'll see what I mean by the end of this post.

The chapter starts with Sophie talking about the next phase of filming, which are 'the first in a long line of love scenes' so hey, guess what the overriding theme of this chapter is? It's all getting pissy because Billy has to snog someone else! I think reality just slapped Sophie in the face, but to help it along - Sophie, do you realise that the house and the flash car and the nice clothes and yummy food and eons of free time are all due to him getting paid to make out with other girls and he is essentially a legal rent boy? - I'd like to think I'm putting some good out into the world, there. Or you know, keeping her morals in line.

So, Sophie spots the call sheet which has been left in Billy's dressing room for the next day, so thanks for catching up to the rest of us in correct terminology. Billy notices her sighing, which makes me think she's sat there doing it over and over again for effect, and he comes over to look. He realises exactly why she's sighing, so cue an emo-loaded conversation. It starts as eloquently as ever:

"Ah ..." he says, rubbing the sides of my arms.
"Ah, indeed," I nod, turning to face him.
"I know I've said that I want you there, but I'm not going to force you to sit and watch it if you're not comfortable."
"Well, it's not going to be the most wonderful day of my existence, that's for sure."

Because, even though this is Billy's job for which he gets an obscene amount of money? This is all about Sophie's feelings. I actually really like Billy in this conversation, because she's her typical neurotic self, and he's taking the time to sympathise, but to also give his side of how it feels. Sorry to shove so much quotage at you in such a short space of time, but:

"Mine neither. I'm pretty nervous about it," he says, fiddling with my hands.
"Why?"
"Despite what you might think, it's not something I'm used to."

That was actually really sweet to me. Like, he's saying he's insecure about what he has to do, and he's afraid of how it will come across and is he even a good enough actor to pull it off? And Sophie seems to realise that Billy has feelings at the same time as he says this. I can't even, guys. They're in a relationship, but it's only now that she considers Billy's thoughts and feelings? Wow. Maybe this is why I'm single.

They emo some more about whether or not Sophie should be there when Billy's having to shoot these love scenes. I can't even believe it's up for debate with everything that's been in the book so far. She should not be there, she can't take it and Billy's a melt if he thinks for a second it's a good idea. But since in this whole scenario I'm the only one with common sense, of course she's going.

Oh, and there's a line that makes me really mad. Billy starts raving about how he doesn't know how he'd cope in Sophie's position. Which is what, exactly? That makes me think he is doing the dirty on her at work. She makes a cute little joke about how she doesn't plan on rolling around in bed half-naked with another guy any time soon and I die inside. Bitch, you're confusing your reality for his work AGAIN. Why did Giovanna word-replace Tom's job for 'actor'? Because this shit is driving me to the mental hospital at the end of my road, for sure (true story, I live near a facility). But anyway, they agree Sophie is going to be there ... hell, just look at what they say:

"I'll come and watch ... I want to support you and be there for you. I'm trying my best not to turn this into some weird thing between us."
"I know you are, and I admire you for that," he says, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.

That's some bad foreshadowing. This is Sophie, this will turn into something weird between them. And like fuck she's thinking of supporting him. The dialogue is so stilted too, and that kiss-on-the-back-of-the-hand bullshit? The fuck is that?

Anyway, the scene ends in the usual inappropriate manner. Judith - hit list girl number one - knocks on the door calling out about how she's a granny who needs to see Billy naked. Wow.

The next section starts with them walking onto set the next day, and Sophie's emoing like crazy about how she'll deal with this. Rather than hit myself on the head over this bullshit, every time something like this comes up, I'm just going to put cute dog pictures in.

 

Look at the adowable puppies in the basket, n'awwwwwwh!

Sophie describes the set and having watched a LOT of supernatural (like seriously, five and a half seasons in about three weeks) lately, it sounds like every dodgy motel the guys stay in. Except Day-Z, but it's not some sit-com remake created by Gabriel ... I digress.

She then starts saying how the scene they're shooting should be taking place on a closed set to allow the actors some modesty, but she's Billy Buskin's girlfriend, bitch, she can be there if she wants. No, seriously, Billy got permision - from Heidi as well as the director - for Sophie to sit in on a closed set.

 

He'sh sho fluffy and gwumpy! Seriously, it's the cute fluffster or sheer rage. Sophie finally, finally thinks of what it must be like for Heidi, but in that kind of 'well, I checked those boxes of empathy' kind of a way. She gets a paragraph of consideration, and that's it. Actually, she gets half a paragraph of empathy for the fact that her ex's girlfriend will be seeing her tits and then Sophie gets right back to bashing Heidi. Because Heidi's being a sweet girl to the director, but the other actors can just jog on. Maybe, since this is a closed set with only a few of the techies and one other actor, Heidi is finding it difficult to be in the room with Billy and his highly-strung girlfriend and is therefore talking to other, more neutral, people.

 

Needed. Needed so much. I am so Team Heidi right now. And that puppy looks like Text From Dog's friend ... yeah.

We get two more paragraphs on the kind of bitch that Heidi must be based solely on what Sophie has seen, and how Sophie should be intimidated by Heidi's vast beauty but she's not because Heidi has an attitude problem. Oh, Sophie, did you never hear this one:

 

Or, as psychologists would say ... PROJECTION!

So Billy gets dragged straight onto set and Sophie notes the seriousness of his handler, but the moment still gets dragged off point by Billy telling her he loves her. Oh, I get why, he's trying to reassure her that whatever she's about to witness, it's not Billy doing it, it's Stan *pulls fingers together as she drags her hand down in front of her face*. But he winks as well and that really kills the mood for me.

Sophie sits by the monitor, criticising the director for wearing the same clothes for a week as she tries to listen in on the directions he's whispering to Billy and Heidi. She's not happy though, because Billy's arms are crossed and that means he's uncomfortable.

 

I cross my arms in serious situations, it's not a sign that you're uncomfortable, it's a sign that you're holding back on the flippant side of your personality so that you can give the correct respect to the situation. Every action has more than one connotation, bitch.

 

There's a section break just before the action, though I'm not sure why. Maybe Giovanna sucks at transitions? It's also the most cringe-worthy section because ... look, Giovanna, you cannot write erotica. Did you take lessons from E. L. James? Because she's bad. Really bad. Jenny Trout/Abigail Barnette, now there's a great erotica writer (I'm still not into erotica though ... but I love The Boss for the characterisation ... I digress).

So the morning doesn't go smoothly, apparently. Mainly because with their touching, writhing and licking (which actually causes my heart to shrivel up painfully like a prune), they aren't comfortable and appear awkward and clumsy on screen. Sophie's a critic now. But I did note how the first way the morning wasn't going smoothly was because of Sophie's interpretation of the action in front of her, rather than the way Billy and Heidi might be feeling.

It just carries on from there, the Sophie emo and her hurt feelings and the dry description of the real action. I just ... I can't ... here, you read this shit for once:

It's been gut-wrenching to watch, and at times I have had to look away, preferring not to watch as the person I love gets his ear nibbled by this vixen woman, who has her pert boobs on display, or watch him slide his way up her. Surprisingly, I've managed to hold it together. So far.

 

One puppy wasn't enough. And I love Siberian Huskies. Shit, if this gets really bad, we might have to have a clip of the 'I love you' dog.

Apparently the director, Max, isn't happy either, but he's more upset about the lack of chemistry between his two stars. He's trying different tacks, but not the best one, which would be to kick the distracting girlfriend out. We get a really shitty example about how Max is losing it.

"CUT! This isn't working!" screams Max, as he walks towards Billy and Heidi, holding his hands in the air in desperation. "It needs something more. It needs to be sexier. Guys, come on, you're not giving it to me. This is setting the tone for what's to come. Stan is meant to be a sex god, so play with her, use her, tease her. Manipulate her body like you're the master of it. Megan is gagging for it. She wants him and she wants him now. She's got to show him what she's got, entice him with her body. They're wild. Wild! You're both too in your heads, it needs to be all about the physical,"

He goes on some more, but I'm leaving it there. I have never read a more dispassionate rant before. I write them dude! Shall we look through my writing for one of the times Carter goes off on one (it's always Carter, crazy boy), when he was talking to Thomas in the first story, which is on my other blog:

'Anyway, it shouldn't matter, Car. You want her and she wants you, it should be that simple.'
'It's not that simple for you, is it?' I challenged him, pissed off that he was being so damn flippant about it.
'Nice try, Carter.'
'I'm just saying, you're saying all this crap about how nothing else matters, but if it was that simple, you and your boyfriend would just come out with it. And you don't, you hide behind all these stupid excuses and then think you can dole out all this hippie advice. Maybe I don't wanna hear it.'
'My situation is nothing like yours. I'm just trying to give you a little perspective.'

Just a few points I want to make - Carter let Thomas talk back, to put in valid arguments he could spring off of. Yeah, it doesn't seem like Thomas is saying much, but he's actually pointing out that Carter can't turn around and lay his problems at Thomas' feet, he has to man up and deal with his situation. And Carter then turns around and tells him exactly, and concisely, why he thinks that's complete horseshit. Which is how most people do rants. They need to feed off other people's reactions, but all we get in this is some kind of dictator. A good director would try to get into Billy and Heidi's heads, find out what's making this scene so difficult for them.

Also, the language Sophie used seems more like a how-to book rather than dialogue. I know it's not correct grammar, but speech is different, and sticking to the rules leads to awkward dialogues and monologues. Like, further down my scene, Thomas takes the chance to rant himself. He's a lot more uptight that Carter (which is saying something) so you'd think it'd work better with Sophie's scenario, but:

'This is why I knew you wouldn't get it, Carter. Let go of the past sometime, maybe?'
'Let go of the past? Are you for freaking real? Why not make a pass at Matt, I used to love the atomic wedgies, you could see why he called them his speciality.'
'Carter-'
'Or hey, Brett or Noah! Swirly kings.'
'I get it, okay? And no, I didn't enjoy having my head stuffed down a flushing toilet either, but that doesn't mean I'm going to use the vitriol against them forever after. People change, Carter. It can be as simple as that.'
I didn't bother answering that.
'And Ashley has changed, just try talking to him once. Or not, if you're really still offended that he did shut us in lockers. I mean, you never tried to exact revenge or anything, did you? Never did anything wrong in middle school, never fought back, just kept being targeted by the big bad jocks.'
'You're right, people do change, because right now you're acting like a dick.'

Sorry for the big quotage of my own work. But there's one more point I want to make in that scene - there's a break in the rantage where there isn't a spoken reaction from Carter. It's written in first-person, so it's how Carter views the situation. The break is for an internal reaction. Go back and read that director rant, and tell me where we see Billy or Heidi, or even Sophie reacting. The bit I broke off on? It's where the director pounds his fist in his hand and then carries on talking. It took until that point for her to break.

My point is, it's so fricking unrealistic. And now I need to do this:

 

I used to be all about Dalmatians.

Anyway, back on point. So Billy and Heidi trade a look as the director makes suggestions like 'could you suck on her nipple or something' and my God, I have to fan myself pretty briskly, I'm so turned on. Sophie interprets this look as them recognising the request 'as ridiculous'. Personally, I think they're silently communicating whether or not they could do it effectively, and then agreeing to just try it.

Sophie's emo is threatening to kill me. I hate her so, so much.

I know in Billy's earlier scenes I've been highly sensitive to the smallest glances from one of the girls, but this is bordering on the insane. It's too much to ask these two people, who are actors, to do. They play characters, yes, but their bodies are their own.

Then they should go on fucking radio. Since you know, acting on TV and films is a visual, physical thing and that includes bodies. But Sophie thinks millions would agree with her. I must be one in a million.

The director keeps trying to talk them around, still without getting their feedback to best speed up the process, and then they finally start trying to act again. And there's a really telling bit to me next:

"It's fine by me," huffs Heidi, as she gets back into her starting position on the bed, pushing her hair over her shoulders, sticking out her breasts.

Now, we're meant to think with that last action that Heidi is a whore, but it's the context of what she says and why that intrigues me. She's obviously trying to get the chemistry going, she's comfortable in her role in Billy's life and how Sophie fits in, and she just wants to get the scene done. She's getting frustrated that she's making the effort and it's still not going anywhere. So what does that equate to? Billy. Billy's the one fudging the scene, because Sophie's so in his fucking head that every time he does what he's scripted to do, he second guesses himself because of Sophie. He should have flat out told her to fuck off on this shoot. I bet it looks a little something like this so far:

 

lol, the episode where they enter an alternate reality where they're actors on a show called Supernatural ... I love parody. Dean's so wooden and Sam has no idea what he's doing ... muchlols.

Anyway, so Billy hesitates, looking on the floor, trying to blank out Sophie, and then he agrees. And Sophie steals my fucking line.

"We can try that," I hear him mutter.
Something in me dies.

I think she's joined me in hell. Except, mine is worse, because I'm making myself go through this and I don't have to. Wait, no, shit, it's the exact same set up for her. Okay, it's worse for me because she is STILL MAKING THIS ABOUT HER:

I look around helplessly as they start to film the shot again, not able to believe that I'm actually about to witness this.
No one notices me.
Everyone is wrapped up in the scene, all busy doing their jobs.

 

Do you know when, on a film set, it's a problem to be ignored? WHEN YOU'RE THE FUCKING DIRECTOR!

/rage. We get some indepth shit about what Billy's doing to Heidi, and I call incorrect, it's what Stan is doing to Megan. You have to learn to characterise. I'm glazing over it, because it's yet more dryrotica and I don't want to chafe. So anyway, in the dryrotica, Billy starts sucking Heidi's tit, and then a wailing sound makes them call cut.

Oh, hush, you saw it as soon as they read the call sheet in the first paragraph. She totally Bella's it though.

On the monitor, Billy looks up in shock, as confusion and anger flicker across his face. People start looking in my direction, which is when I realise the sound is coming from me. I cover my mouth to stop it, frozen to the spot as everyone glares in my direction.
In shock, I run from the room.

On the plus side, Sophie, everyone paid attention to you then. Billy's hot on her heels as she heads for his trailer, although personally I think he should get the scene done first and then appease her psychobitchness. He immediately turns into my hero though, asking her just what in the fuck she was doing. And I can't stomach the response.

"That's the same question I've been asking myself, Billy, 'what was that?' " I ask, flinging my arm in the direction of the studio. "Don't worry, I'm going - so you can carry on without interruption from your stupid girlfriend," I blurt, getting my coat and bag from the sofa.

 

I don't have to rant about why Sophie is stupid, do I? We all know why it's completely obtuse of her to be so up in arms about a scene an actor has to do. He's done all the prep he can to make sure she knows this is kosher, but she still clings to this idea that should Billy do something for work, he's emotionally involved. Does she actually think he's that terrible an actor? But Billy stays on point of awesome.

"What do you want me to do? I can't just ignore the director. Do you want me to quit? Is that it?" Billy shouts. "Do you want me to just walk away because you feel uncomfortable?"

Apart from the fact that there's no caps or exclamations, so it's hard to buy that Billy is yelling ... beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. See my above comments on ranting, because at least Billy gets it. Sophie acts like it's abominable that Billy could think she was in the wrong. Fucking Mary Sue. Billy's not done yet ... it's like a Dean Winchester Is Self-Righteous But Also Right rant, and those always get me in the girl bits.

"I have done everything I can to make you feel welcome. I have spent hours talking you through every little detail, making sure you feel included and a part of this whole thing."
"I know ..."
"Hours when I should've been getting to know everyone so that it's not awkward when we're on set together."
"I've never said you couldn't spend time with them."
"No, you haven't, but any time I do spend with them you make me feel bad about it. I can feel you seething, bubbling away the minute one of the girls comes over to me."
"I don't do that."
"Any girl I chat to, straight away you're saying they fancy me - making everything awkward because I don't want you to think I'm egging them on in some way."
"I've never stopped you talking to anyone ..."
"But you have! Can't you see that?"

I just ... it's the best scene in the book. The best bit. Guys, this is great writing, Giovanna can do arguments well. Why is she shying away from her actual talent?

Do you know what I think it is? And it's sad, but I think these were editors notes. These are the questions the editor brought up 'wouldn't Billy question Sophie, wouldn't he feel like Sophie is stopping him from bonding with his workmates and making him feel under pressure?' and Giovanna took the notes and turned it into this. But Sophie still has to be Right and Billy still has to be Wrong. Like a little bit later in the same argument:

"Overly sensitive? Billy, you had another woman's nipple in your mouth!"
"And?"
"And?" I scream back at him, unable to see how he can't comprehend where that might be a problem. "Your ex-girlfriend's nipple? Do you really not see what's wrong with that?"
"It's work!"
"It's disgusting!"

This is the bit where a lot of reviewers have said Billy is a jerk, but I don't agree. He's been so patient about this, he told her what the role meant, shared with her his worries about working with Heidi, prepped her for the work so that she knew he was doing it per script, and not because he got his rocks off that way. And yet she still makes it personal, she still applies reality to the fiction and makes it far creepier than it is. And I'm sorry, this isn't about women's rights. If Sophie was up in arms about how both Heidi and Billy were being exploited and the film industry was depraved I would back her one hundred percent. But it's about his previous connection to her co-star. Sophie is crossing a line.

After all he's done, the work he's put into her ...

"You could've thought how that might affect me and realize that asking someone to do something like that is far from normal, it's sick, and you're stupid for going along without questioning it. For just doing it because the director told you to. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"
"But I was acting. That's what I do."
"Then you're pathetic," I spit.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I fucking hate Sophie. Puppies aren't going to cut it this time.

 

 

 

Better.

So Sophie stalks out of the trailer and off the lot. And she takes the cake by looking behind her about five seconds later and being affronted when Billy doesn't follow her out. Her phone starts ringing and she thinks maybe that's Billy, but it's not, it's Molly. For once, she decides to end the call and not complain to Molly, but not for any good reason. She doesn't want to hear Molly say 'I told you so'. But Sophie is still in the right, honest!

She then starts emoing about whether she's to blame or not, and was she really so paranoid and giving the other girls a hard time? And I'm sat here thinking 'do you read over what you write?' because clearly not, I've been saying about this shit since what, chapter four?

Holly then appears, you know, the bitch who flirts with Billy because nothing phases her? And she says how she heard what happened from Judith, so Sophie's done great making herself the topic of gossip - I thought this was a major problem for Sophie? - but Sophie doesn't seem to think anything of it, she just tells Holly she's not fine but smiles. I'm pretty sure she's full-on crazy. Holly tries to empathise and sympathise and Sophie eats that shit up. Holly then tells Sophie how much Billy loves her -

You know what, I'm getting on my soapbox about this. She is telling-not-showing this apparent love as much as Meyer does. All I hear about this great love is what other characters tell Sophie exists. All I see when they interact is two near-strangers trying to convince themselves they're in something big. I have a real problem with the word love being banded about. I've almost written two full novels, and not one character has sincerely turned to another character and professed their love to them. They may have said it in a different context, like say, when Lamb got Carter something he wanted for his birthday, he may have said it the way I do over my friend Cat letting me talk her ear off about Supernatural (her fiance is making her watch. Catty, marry him!). The adults in the story might say they love each other, the ones who are married. But the teenagers? No. Because you know what? Love is a big deal. A huge deal. And these eejits have been declaring it to each other through others since chapter four. But you know what? You know fucking what? When my characters finally talk of love ... they're damn well going to have expressed it enough to back it up. And for those who have read, Foster hasn't even said it to Abbi, and they're my high school sweethearts in the story. They're for life, and it's almost a year into the story and they haven't said it, in what's been written and in my head. And they won't for a while.

Fuck anyone who says love this soon into a relationship. I hate you all. You're shallow and superficial and don't know true love.

Urgh, I hate Holly's peptalk. She's gone from being competition to being Sophie's moral crutch, since she wouldn't pick up on Molly.

"I reckon that might be why Heidi has been such a sourpuss from day one."
"Do you think?"
"Definitely. Think about it, she's working with an ex ... what's worse than working with an ex? Working with an ex who doesn't want you."

Shut your mouth Holly, Sophie's entire problem is that she thinks Billy does want her, because she has no self-esteem and must build her ego with sycophants like you.

Holly says maybe Billy can't admit he's wrong until he's done the scene and I'm gobsmacked that a professional actress would take that side. Holly invites Sophie back on the set, but Sophie says no. Holly says, just to get a ride home? Sophie says no. Holly gets the message, and says she'll ask Billy's gopher to send a car outside the lot where she is so that she can go home. Sophie agrees, and her latest minion runs away to do her bidding.

Hi, I'm Holly. Sophie is Gru.

That's the end of the chapter. I need a drink.