Sioban's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 19

I'm back. I've read this chapter once already, and I want a drink. Like, bad. It's Billy's first day on the set of the film so of course there's plenty of time for Sophie Emo. I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be like, Giovanna's interpretation of the time Tom did that one music video/meet'n'greet/interaction with any other girl not related to him. I feel like I'm getting more and more cynical the more I read about Sophie and Billy. Sad times.

The chapter starts with Sophie blabbing on about Billy being in rehearsals. She's clearly not been allowed in there, and it's blatantly eating her up inside. I have never seen a more obvious bunny boiler outside of a horror story:

I don't ask too many questions when he first comes through the door (I don't want him to know I'm trying to size up the situation), but when we're sitting down for dinner a little later I try to delicately ask a few questions about the cast. Trying to prise information out of him without making it known that I'm worried the girls are maneaters, ready to pounce on my man at the first opportunity they're given.

Guys, I didn't write that. Those words are in the book, verbatim. If I was seeing someone like that, I would be scared to go to sleep. They've been dating for a few months at best. It's frighteningly co-dependent. The next sentence makes it even creepier:

"So, what's everybody like?" I ask innocently, twirling my spaghetti round my fork.

Mm-hmm, she's all nonchalant while she plans how best to skin the bitches alive, I'm sure. Billy doesn't get that she's being blatantly two-faced and chats like she actually gives a rats ass that he makes friends easily. He blabs on about wanting to learn something on the guitar once they've finished filming and sounds more like Tom than ever. Sophie takes the opportunity to wax lyrical about Billy's many talents, and it sounds a lot like Giovanna is back to fapping over her husband publicly again.

Sophie eventually goes back to digging for information about the other girls on set, because she didn't give a flying fuck about the rest of the band cast, and Billy immediately asks about the extras who are cast as groupies, rather than you know, the ex-girlfriend who's playing opposite him. Maybe he's more switched on to her bunny boiling ways than I first thought, but not enough to save him. Sophie forces him to tell her all their names and he blanks on two. Clue Sophie - these are the two he's potentially fucking. I hate this conversation so much:

" ... this way, when we get on set we'll just be able to bask out scenes easily rather than having to be wary of upsetting each other."
"Right ..."
"They're looking forward to meeting you."
"Really? I thought you didn't get a chance to speak much?"
"We didn't, but you're always on my mind," he says, with a laugh and a wink.
It's good to know Billy's been talking about me, that I'm not banished from his mind the moment he steps into a room full of girls.

I've said it before, I'll say it again.

 

 

She says she wonders if he's lying and it's really because someone's been getting too close for comfort. Oh, Giovanna, with your placing Mcfly song titles in your published fanfic!

So, it turns out the ex-girlfriend is being off, not just with Billy but with everyone. And instead of sympathising that the girl must be going through some shit that she's not talking to anyone about and being friendly despite that, they bitch about how difficult she's making it for everyone else. And even worse, Sophie says how happy she is that there's a barrier between them, so they don't reminisce about the old days and end up in bed together, or some shit. God, I hate Sophie.

There's a section break, that cuts to the first day and we get a laundry list of turning up on the set of the film, complete with slobby clothes and sleeping in the pickup car that came at five. It takes two pages for Billy's bitch the Second Assistant Director to show up and introduce himself and make the point that he's there to lick Billy's shoes. But I am grateful just to get away from Sophie's whinefest for two seconds. Even if it does delve into the slightly homoerotic:

"He does an awful job," mocks Billy.
"Oi!" laughs Stephen as he playfully punches Billy in the arm.
"See? If I'm bruised the make-up ladies are going to be so mad at you!"
"You're such a  peach."

The fuck does anyone care about the makeup ladies? I'd be pissed if someone bruised me. Start with number one. Also, the peach thing, is so fucking gay. The whole damn thing is gay, they get a huge breakfast, and sit on the sofa watching TV. I know that happens in real life, but in a book, if you dedicate half a page, you're going to make your readers want to tear their eyes out. Just because Meyer won the fucking lottery doing douchebag moves like that it doesn't mean anyone else is going to score the same way.

Billy goes off to make up with more homoerotic innuendo, and Sophie carries on watching shit TV until someone comes up to Billy's trailer singing his name. The whore. When she gets into the trailer, and sees Sophie sitting there, the girl gets confused and Sophie gets pissy. I mean, how dare she be so happy to see Billy, and all? Sophie introduces herself and the girl is like 'riiiiight, Billy's girlfriend!' and seems just like those actresses in the stage play to me. Brilliant characterisation there, Giovanna. The girl introduces herself as Holly just before Billy comes back, and then they start flirting, in front of Sophie. Although, I'm not buying that interpretation, since Sophie's view is clearly skewed by the steam coming out of her pot.

They blab for ages, I'm bored. As soon as Holly goes, Sophie turns on her 'should I kill this woman' setting and asks all about Holly, in the context of 'so how well do you know her?' and I am so Goddamn tired of this bint now. She also starts talking like an asshole, because no twenty-six year old on the planet would have dialogue like this:

"You seem quite close."
"Not really, I probably speak to her a bit more than the other girls, that's all. They get a bit funny about just coming over and talking to me, whereas Holly doesn't seem fazed by anything."
"I think she might have a bit of a thing for you."
"Nah! Don't be daft," he says, as he takes his shoes off and sits back down on the sofa beside me.
"She seems quite smitten."

Oh my fucking God, get over yourself already! I hate this bitch's insecurities. And who talks like that, who? It should be more like:

"You seem close?"
"What, me and Holly? Yeah, I guess. She doesn't seem as scared to come talk to me as the other girls on set. I don't think nothing scares her."
"I think she fancies you."
"Don't be an idiot, and anyway, I'm with you aren't I?"
"She acts like she wants you."
"Well, I want you, but I don't have a fucking clue why right now."

I nail dialogue.

So we get someone else banging on the door before Sophie can go completely Glenn Close, and it's the bird who gets to put clothes on Billy. Well done for forcing yourself to the top of Sophie's hit list, Judith, even if your name implies you're old enough to be his mother. I mean, Daniel Radcliffe lost it to a fifty-year-old, right? That sort of shit happens.

I want to show you some accidentally funny dialogue now. It's Judith blabbing in her intro speech as she spots Sophie. I almost smiled at it:

" Ah, yes, someone said you had company," she says, looking at me. "That's a good idea. There's so much waiting around on these jobs. It can get quite lethargic."

So perk yourself up with a quickie! Billy asks for her name again after about five seconds, just so we know that Judith is dead girl number one, and then we get the section break. The next part is of them going on set, and Giovanna tries to describe it ... look, I've been to the Harry Potter studio tour. Twice. I know what to expect, and it's far more fascinating that the way it's being described here. I will spare you most of the shit, except for this little nugget:

Bizarrely, it's colder than I thought it would be, in both temperature and atmosphere.

Muchlols. It's a huge warehouse, they're not going to have space heaters all over set, they haven't got a huge load of ovens ... when my McDonald's loses power, the temperature drops quick because we rely on the 300 degrees C equipment we have for heat.

After a couple of paragraphs about the actual set, we get another entire paragraph about how everyone's drinking tea. Changed my life, that whole section. Sophie then starts describing the scene being shot that day, and I swear it's like she's never been in a club or seen a sixties documentary in her lifetime.

With nearly all of the actors in it, it's meant to be full of energy and excitement, like one big wild party. From what I can see of the set from where we're stood, the club has red leather sofas lining the mirrored walls with matching stools at the while bar, and black-and-white tiles patterning the floor. It sounds as though it should all look gorgeous, but it actually looks like it could do with a wash: the floor has been streaked with dirt and the furniture has been battered and worn in, making it all appear dark and grimy, adding to the rock and roll vibe the designers have been creating.

Maybe it's because Giovanna's only really ever been backstage at Hammersmith or Wembley? I don't know. Or that's how she felt about The Boat That Rocked. I'd hate to see her at the Underworld.

Sophie gets told - by Billy - not to go wandering into shot, although how people manage that when there's you know, giant cameras and white spots everywhere is beyond me. And then Billy's ex-girlfriend shows up, and Sophie spends forever having an orgasm over this girl. Absolutely nothing happens, so Sophie asks if that means she's still being 'off' and Billy says yes. He hasn't even fucking talked to her! But then the director calls for attention, and we get more shit about tea.

There's a section break, in which we hear even more about how boring film sets are and how in the way Sophie is but Goddammit, she is not going back to the trailer, because Billy is flirting with everyone and she wants to keep an eye on him.

I have a major issue with this. I mean, I've moaned and complained about how much of a bunny boiler Sophie is, but she does make a good point that he shouldn't be so flirty, even if she's a witness to it. There's being friendly, and there's being flirty, and there should be a segregation of the two when you're in a relationship. Billy's being a dick. It's just yet more proof that these two together are a hideous, hideous idea. Sophie's actually pretty introspective about this, admitting that it's part of the reason why she has a problem with other women being near 'her man' but she's not smart enough to speak up for herself or realise that this is going to be a continuous problem. And she immediately goes back on all of it from a few moves of Billy's:

In his defence, Billy has pointed me out to a few of the girls, blowing kisses in my direction in a sickeningly sweet, yet cute, way - so he isn't acting like I don't exist. But what is he like when I'm not around if he's like this when I am?

I don't understand her punctuation usage here by the way. She opened a parenthetical, but didn't close it? Weird. But hey, I guess writing is just vomiting words on a page and hoping to fuck they make sense, right? Punctuation's for pussies.

Ugh, why do these chapters feel like they will never end? Sophie goes back to the trailer in the afternoon as Billy gets a makeup touch up, and she calls her mum to tell her, and us by proxy, about the nothing that is happening on the set. Thanks for the waste of words. You wanna share my torture with me?

"I don't know how you can watch it, love. I wouldn't be able to."
"Billy's asked me to," I say, although now I'm doubting if it's sucj a good idea to watch after all, especially knowing how much it affected me just seeing him interact with the girls earlier.
"You're a stronger woman that me, If I'd had to watch anyone so much as look at your dad in the wrong way I'd have given them what for."

I don't think any women are looking twice at the guy who brings his buddies along on dates. Or if they are, they totally love fat, sweaty guys who are stuck on Star Trek and their X boxes. Anyway, Sophie and her mum start gassing about Colin, the man who pulled Sophie's mum out of depression, and I'm trying real hard with this book. So hard, but it still numbs my brain.

We get an awesome week-long time jump when the phone conversation finishes, and Sophie's back on what Billy thinks of the other girls, and which one he fancies, even if Sophie wasn't there. Billy takes like, two pages to get slightly irritated with all her shit. He makes a half-assed attempt to make her see reality, and then the chapter ends, with these two yahoos still thinking they're meant to be together.

But there's 25% left to go of this book. A quarter left. We can do it ... right?