Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 24

Hey, so I’m back on this already! I read Chapter 24 and chapter 25 last night. They’re both mercifully short, but irritating in content. Shall we?

The next day, I receive an envelope in the post, with my name and address written in Billy’s handwriting. I think about not opening it and just burning it straight away or shredding it, but curiosity gets the better of me.

Ugh, I hate it when books use letters to explain emotions because the writer is too lazy to have the characters communicate properly (we’ll ignore the fact that I’ve used this technique, but STFU, mine is done over 6,000 miles, so I have an excuse) I’m fine if it’s a love note, or there was one book called 13 little blue envelopes where this girl followed instructions left to her by her aunt. That was pretty cool, and the aunt had died but wanted her niece to enjoy life. She sent her travelling … anyway, so I’m a little pissed off that Billy and Me has gone down this route. I don’t care that Billy bothered to write your name, or that you almost shredded his precious words, you vindictive bitch.

I’m so over Sophie right now.

Inside the envelope is a photo, of that weekend Sophie’s mum came down with Molly. It’s in black and white, so Billy’s a bit of a hipster poser. Did he instagram it first? Anyway, Sophie really analyses the photo. I’m not doing it for you here, I’m not going to torture you with a quote. You can imagine, I’m sure, that she’s analysing Molly and then spelling shit out for us.

Don’t touch me, Giovanna! Also, now you’re wrecking my awesome cover art idea for the uprooted series. Eat me.

Seriously, it’s the mark of an insecure author to explain intent. How long ago did I get this shit? Chapter 8? And 16 chapters later, you’re scared I didn’t get it. So you have to explain. I just … if this happens in my novel, shoot me. Call me shit. Unless it looks like a character is having some kind of epiphany, then it’s intentional, and it’s them gearing up for the next part of the novel. I’m seriously pissed when a writer sits there going ‘did you understand my reference here? I thought it was so good, I’m going to spend too long on it!’

Your readers are smarter than that, trust me. If they’re reading a book, they probably read a lot, and they can connect the dots. And if you need to do it for you, then you really need to sort your shit out as a writer. Or give up trying to do it for anyone but you.

Anyway, once Sophie gets off over-analysing Molly to death, she does the same about her own image in the picture, for fap purposes I guess? There’s a note on the back, and it’s a quote from Jane Eyre. Which, if you remember, is the only book Sophie’s actually read, or something.

If there’s anything I hate more than the note thing, or the picture-analysis because who knew their feels at the time? It’s quoting better works in your shoddy piece. And now I feel dirty because I didn’t like Jane Eyre and I just bigged it up (in context, yes, but still). So even though it’s short, it has like, a trifecta of bad-author devices. That’s some skill you got there, Giovanna.

Anyway, so of course Sophie bitches about how Billy probably never reads (he has to learn lines, he reads far more than you) but how of course the quote was fitting for the picture. She stares at the picture for hours

and the next day, there’s another envelope. Another picture – this time of a scene we didn’t see, where Billy and Sophie were messing about in Trafalgar Square and posed by the lions, groping each other as someone else took the photo. Apparently, there was no drama about Billy then. Anyway, same deal as before, a Jane Eyre quote on the back after a really long analysis. The quote fits, apparently. It’s when Rochester actually says something nice to Jane, I think, but it doesn’t describe either of them.

And that’s it. The end of chapter 24, the end of part three, and giving us only 8% left of the story. I don’t know whether to be happy it was so short, or mad about the content. Chapter 25 is just the same … fair warning ;) Except, chapter 25 has a poem, so we all get to vom!