Sorry if this post rambles or my iPad autocorrects everything, but I really need to vent, because I've just heard some of the shittiest words ever, and although my mum was there and tried to make it better, she didn't really help.
For those of you who don't know, I work roughly 50 hours a week, often in the middle of the night. On top of this, I'm a single mother of one. I write this blog, and all my stories either once my son is in bed or on my days off during school hours. I also, as I've said before, need a lot of sleep around both because of health problems. I don't go out so much.
I wouldn't be able to work if my parents and I hadn't negotiated a timetable, which also fit into my works patterns (hence why I do so many freaking nights). As a full time manager, I'm expected to have a role in operations, and I'm part of a team in charge of apprenticeships in store (I'm also the only person to have completed mine).
The other day, I had arranged a meeting with the apprentice team leader. I told my dad, who had agreed to pick my son up from school anyway (he's retired but chooses to do part time work). Now, the woman I was working with said if I needed to leave to get my son it was okay. I told her don't worry, it's covered - and we got a lot done until I had to leave for a nap before my overnight shift.
And then I find out my dad got asked to do some extra part time work, called the house, left a message and went off on his merry way ... and didn't bother following up on my mobile or the store phone. I didn't hear my phone going off when the school called ... Eventually they got through to my mum, who was an hour away, and she started sorting out how my boy was getting picked up when his grandfather basically flaked out on pick up.
And then he had the audacity to say it was my responsibility. It's my fault I didn't hear his answer phone message in an entirely different location and act on it. It's my fault, because he's my son.
I fail to see that logic. That was when this happened, on Friday. I haven't said two words to him until today, pissed off that even after this, he didn't bring my son home for another hour and a half (oh, but he bribed him with KFC! He's a good granddad!) and then my mum wanted to go over schedules for this week so my son isn't left like that ... and he couldn't help himself.
The deputy head spoke to him, did I know that? It's a neglect of care, and it embarrassed him because his part time work includes working with her. Oh, but he shared the blame, because he admitted to not following up on whether he had cover or not. He told her I wasn't at work, so he didn't know where I was!
And when he got off that high horse and we started going through the week and I kept thinking how done with this I already was, he said he could pick my son up on Thursday but then had to skip off to a meeting at 5 but it's okay because I'll be home (yet, working over night again next week) and this is Important because it's his part time work and he's in charge of it (but if my mum wanted a lift to my nan's, he'd drop it)
So basically, the ranking is part time work, my mum, gardening, my son, retirement and everyone else.
I can't even verbalise how angry and upset I am. It's my fault he didn't make the effort? It's my fault his extra work that he doesn't need because he gets state and teacher pension doesn't rank as highly on my list than it does on his?
I swear he doesn't know how hard I work, how much guilt there is in how much I get to see my son in the first place, how much I feel I owe my parents for helping out, or how much my illness takes its toll. God, he was there when I did the bike ride last week, he saw the effort I will make for things I love. I just ... you don't need to swear at someone to completely cut them down, just search out the things they care
Okay, the iPad messed up. My point is - I hate leave my son to work. My work isn't an amazing place to be as it is, and even though it's 'just burgers, chips and fizzy pop' (as our area manager puts it) there's an enormous amount of pressure on us - particularly the managers - to do well, to meet targets, to keep things going even when we get tripped up (you're reading the blog of a girl who has played with fuses more than she's read books on her kindle. Well, not played with, exactly, but ... Yeah) and to do it all while being actual human beings (it's hard). Just because it's fast food and not teaching doesn't mean there isn't an importance to what I do, and he would never cope with being this tired and juggling everything I do.
ReplyDeleteI already want out. I want to go back to college and qualify in accountancy, maybe work part-time enough to cover my bills. I want to be there everyday, at pick up and drop off. I want to get my son out of the patterns his grandfather started of hot dogs or chicken nuggets and chips for dinner (boys nursery had him eating all sorts of things, but now ...)
I don't get what I want very much. I'm okay with that, because I'm providing for my son and I don't have to worry that I'm pissing off a childminder when I have to stay an extra hour to get everything done.
But I do NOT need to have it implied that I don't care about my child, or that my work is less important than what a retired man does to occupy his retirement days. I do not need someone telling me their mistakes are my fault. I do not need this.
If I didn't care about my child, then I would have followed so many impulses. I would've walked out the door the second my old manager said I was useless (when he understaffed me and gave us too much work. The imbalance used to be ridiculous. It's not a great deal better now, but it's getting there) I would have run away when I felt the impulse a few years ago, when recovering from the TTP was still too much. I would've walked the second hey said I couldn't just do weekday day shifts due to my son and illness. I have put so much on hold to try and make this work.
But it CANNOT work if I can't trust him with the most important thing/person in the world. I would have died if it wasn't for my son.
NEVER. Imply I take him for granted or do not care.