Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 6

*walks into the room, fires up her laptop, grabs a bottle of Disaronno and pours into a shot glass.* *drains the glass in one, and pours another*

Hey. So, chapter six. I tried to read ahead on this, but I skimmed. I skimmed bad. And then gave up three pages before the end. So I need the Disaronno for this chapter. I also have cake, a victoria sponge that cost a quid from tescos, so it's sweet and artificial and if I eat enough and get bladdered enough, maybe I can survive this chapter.

I feel I should mention what's ahead. Then you can understand why I've been driven to drink my favourite liquor to read this.

-We see Sophie rationalise her relationship with Billy.

-We get title drops galore.

-We get a pap clipping, which will lead to me expounding a lot with examples from newspapers I bought yesterday. There is going to be a lot of transcribing.

-I will rant about marriage. Marriage features heavily in this chapter. I rolled my eyes the third time I saw it mentioned, gave up on the book and started reading 50 Writers On 50 Shades instead, which was far more eloquently written. I'm on the bit written by a paralegal right now.

-The stereotypes are going to make me puke up this entire bottle. Which will suck, because I love Disaronno.

So ... let's go.

The next few weeks whizz by in a blur with Billy and me spending as much time together as possible, which isn't easy when I work six days a week and his filming schedule is hectic and irregular.

Already, I am pissed off. Clearly, you don't see him much more than you already did. Also, six days a week? In a teashop? Has Molly heard of the European Working Time Directive? Because she sure as fuck isn't sticking to them (you can argue that it's voluntary and she might not have signed on for it, but it's as much to protect the employer as the employee so why wouldn't you?)

The following is from the wiki page, which the HSE website directed me to, so this is a legit page:

"The Working Time Directive, 2003/88/EC, is a Directive of the European Union. It gives EU workers the right to a minimum number of holidays each year, rest breaks, and rest of at least 11 hours in any 24 hours; restricts excessive night work; and provides for a right to work no more than 48 hours per week. It was issued as an update on earlier versions from 22 June 2000 and 23 November 1993.^[1] Excessive working time being cited as a major cause of stress, depression and illness; the stated purpose of the Directive is to protect people's health and safety"

Breaks

• art 3 there must daily rest of 11 hours per 24 hour period
• art 4 a rest period for every six hours, set by legislation or collective agreement
• art 5 weekly rest of 24 hours uninterrupted, on top of the daily rest in art 3, but derogation justifiable for technical, organisational or work reasons

Working week

• art 6 (a) member states must ensure weekly working time is limited by law, or collective agreement(b) average working time should not exceed 48 hours for each 7 day period
• art 17 derogations allowed under arts 3-6, 8 and 16 for (1) ‘managing executives or other persons with autonomous decision making powers’, family workers and religious leaders (2) …. (5) doctors’ provisions
• art 18 derogations by collective agreement
• art 19 limit to derogation for reference period
• art 20 mobile and offshore workers
• art 21 workers on fishing vessels
• art 22 ‘miscellaneous’ (1) individual opt out for art 6 where (a) the worker agrees (b) no detriment for not agreeing (c) records kept up to date (d) authorities kept informed (e) information given (2) three week trasitional provision (3) inform Commission

Holidays

• art 18 annual leave of at least four weeks (i.e. 20 days on a full-time basis) and no payment in lieu except where employment is terminated

Night work

• art 8 (a) eight hours night work in any 24 hour period on average (b) eight hours where hazardous or strenuous work
• art 9 free health assessments for night workers
• art 10 night workers who risk health can be given guarantees (?)
• art 11 night workers to be notified to competent authorities ‘if they so request’
• art 12 night and shift workers should have health protected
• art 13 ‘an employer who intends to organise work according to a certain pattern takes account of the general principle of adapting work to the worker, with a view, in particular, to alleviating monotonous work and work at a predetermined work-rate’

 

We'll ignore the fact that my company schedules 9 and 10 hour shifts overnight, and that since I had my TTP I haven't had a health assessment ... if she's working a full working day, which seems to be from 5am to 5pm? She should only be working four days a week, and have at least two twenty minute breaks per day. Sophie could take Molly to a tribunal easily. She could cite exhaustion and depression, which are fairly clear in the writing, and as she's trying to convince me that Molly is a sympathetic character, you would think that this came up, and Molly wouldn't even risk it.

But as I've said before, it's clear Giovanna doesn't know shit about businesses or how they work, or how to add that into her story. She also, as I read along, doesn't know shit about how a film production works. Apparently, they magically appear a week before filming, set up, and are good to go right through the day.

No. You send a location scout out, get a deal, negotiate timings etc, you arrive on location,  you set up every day, set up can take hours. The director needs to oversee and okay everything, and discuss with the producers as the actors get their call sheets and if they're required on set, go to hair and makeup, and wardrobe, and get prepared for the scene. When the lighting and set dressers are happy and the director is sure everything is blocked and ready to go, they'll do run-throughs and finally film the piece, and then as much as they can, they will undress the set because they're not in studio and can't leave camera equipment outside. Read through what I wrote, how much of that is Billy actually acting? A sentence within a paragraph, correct?

Actors often say there's a lot of waiting around on set, that they'll maybe do press or else they'll rehearse their lines or get to know the crew in that time. Billy has so far been able to walk off set and spend a few hours in the teashop before you started dating, so I don't understand why it needs a page and a half discussion as to why Sophie and Billy seeing each other as much as possible then just amounts to them talking on the phone sometimes late at night. She's pulling this out of her ass again.

Oh, and Sophie won't go to see Billy 'on set' despite him basically begging for her to come along (because he's bored, and apparently she can get off work for that?) she says it's because she can't believe she has a boyfriend (although she's had others) and she ... *gags, then swigs the Disaronno straight from the bottle*

so I think going on a film set and seeing people running around after him and pandering to his every need might be a little too much too soon.

She just accused Billy of being a diva. It sounds more like he's friends with the crew from them helping with the beardset from the last chapter, and from the things about to come up in this one ... she's doing Bella's trick of hating everything about everyone else. Why not just call everyone peasants and plebs and be done with it, Sophie? Even your freaking famous boyfriend isn't safe!

*sighes* *empties the shot glass*

 

It would be fair to say that we've been living in a bubble ... a wonderful, shiny, bouncy bubble full of romance and sickly affection. But as everyone knows, bubbles inevitably do one thing - burst!

You said it, Sophie May. Sickly. Also, I hate you.

So Sophie goes to Budgens for some food colouring for work, because that's where most independent catering companies go for supplies *groans and rubs head and prays for all industrial suppliers everywhere who offer better wholesale* and it's now "a few weeks" since her first date with Billy. A few is typically three, so ... this is about four weeks after they first met, and the first six chapters therefore represent a month. Remember this.

Sophie notices something on the newspaper stand ... something familiar ... could it be? Yes, it's Sophie! Sophie's face all over the papers! She has a panic attack over the irregularity of every publication in the country only fixating on the new crush of a Hollywood actor as opposed to real news like natural disasters and murders. Slow news week, huh? No fluffy puppies to put on the front page instead? No variation from the Telegraph or the Independent? Sure as fuck don't remember them turning into gossip rags. And i is much more likely to feature articles similar to time magazine than who's fucking who.

Fucking hell, this book *pulls hair out*

The only thing Sophie focuses on is that the picture is of the time she went to snog him in the street as he left the teashop, because she didn't want Molly and the other old birds seeing them swapping spit, and claims they were trying to be discreet. She focuses on it because she's in her work wear, the bandana on her head and flour everywhere. She's focusing on it because she doesn't look her best in the picture.

Seriously, I wish, I wish I was lying to you guys. It's not about an invasion of privacy, or a toe-curling sense of embarrassment generated by an overarching shyness, it's that she looks a mess:

"It's of Billy and me kissing outside the shop, taken the previous day as he left to go to the set. I know that because of what I'm wearing; I have a pink scarf wrapped around my head and a pink spotty apron on.
I'm covered with flour and dough.
I look a mess.
I can remember following him out so that I could give him a quick peck without being watched by Molly and the customers as we're still trying to be discreet, even though most of the customers know, but now the whole nation has seen us.

*drains her bottle, then throws it at the wall where it smashes*

I'm not going to say anything more. I'm going to let a picture do it, that whole 'a thousand words' thing:

 

Discreet. *stabs a fork in the cake and stuffs a huge glob in her mouth*

She whinges about not seeing the pap and the rights of a photograph ... please. Janet could've instagrammed it, or taken it and emailed it to the Sun. And with pap stories, Billy would have been forewarned, with the chance to nix the story if it's false or inflammatory. Billy would KNOW about this leak. Or if not Billy, his agent or assistant. Someone in Billy's camp OKAYED THIS ON YOUR BEHALF.

Fucking amateur ... we'll get more into that later.

The headlines sound like they're calling Billy gay, so my eyes stayed on this paragraph for a second. Seriously, we're about to do my first comparison.

Billy and Me:

My eyes wander across the different papers as I take in their headlines, "Billy's Sprinkle of Fairy Dust", "Buskin for Love", "Love in the Country for Billy Buskin", "Billy Finds his Halo" and "Billy's on the Love Bus".

*aside put in here ... I did wonder at the other chapter, I have a feeling "Halo", the film that shot Billy to fame is actually about angels. I wish it was based on the video game :(*

Actual headlines from the newspapers I bought yesterday:

"COPS TO QUIZ CHILD KILLER PHILPOTT OVER 2 RAPES" (Daily Mirror)

"B BRUV GINA BIGGEST FAKE EVER" (Daily Star)

"BABY KILLER MUM'S LOTTO JOY" (The Sun)

Notice how if they are about celebrity - and that's only the Star - they're negative? Notice how these are the cheaper rags in England and they're about death and people undeserving of what they have? Notice how they all use caps all the way through?

Maybe I'm being unfair here. Maybe we need to find the gossip pages *thumbs through*

"Grace Jones cast a spell on Nadal ..." (subheading "the real reason Rafa lost" - yes, romance is the main headline, but only names are capitalised. Limited purple prose, and then it's connected to the fact she actually tried to cast a damn spell on the guy). Page 16/17.

"Wright old ding dong" (subheading "'chelle of a time to row", about Mark Wright and Michelle Keegan arguing over him apparently flirting with other girls. Again, only names are capitalised.) Page 12/13.

"OCTUPITTS" (subheading "Brad and Ange want eight kids", this one is entirely capitalised, and makes a weird pun ... oh dear, I just saw another story that makes me sick, but it's not the main one so ... fuck it, I'm going to leave where I am now and blog and facebook it, because wtf? It's the post before this one, obviously.) Page 16/17.

My point is? She doesn't know shit about writing newspaper gossip articles. But more on that later. These newspapers are also going to feature again. Also, can we note what pages these headlines are on? There's no hints for the gossip pages on the front page. Pulling it out of her ass.

Anyway, so the Budgens guy, Mr Tucker, notices Sophie staring at such a weird occurrence on the newspaper stand and bangs on about her making the front page of every paper and how excited yet odd she must be feeling, and she can have a copy of every one but only this first time, understand? Or he'll lose out on money!

No one in this fucking village can work a business. And this is Budgens, although the stores are independently owned (so Tucker would have had to stump up a small fortune to have one) Tucker is nothing more, really, than a Franchisee, and Budgens isn't even the Supergroup, the Musgrave Group is. Mr Tucker would still have to meet targets and account for every penny and stock according to demand and I am still so pissed off by this lack of consideration of how hard it is to be an independent retailer. Molly and Mr Tucker would have to file self-assessments, but Sophie seems to have forgotten that also.

Weirdly, in Mr Tucker's ramble about how excited Sophie must be, he still makes that 'tomorrow's chip paper' comment which is out of place because ... when was the last time you had chips served in newspaper? It's either a styrofoam tray, a styrofoam cone, a styrofoam cup or greasepaper. None of which contains print. Fuck off.

She also says Mr Tucker 'chortles' ... the last time I read about someone 'chortling'?

 

 

Yep, the entire village is a fucking comic book.

We get an entire page of Sophie blabbing about who and how the photo was taken and there's no paparazzi now, and does Billy know?

She gets to the shop, and the phone is ringing, she picks up hoping to hear Billy and gets a journalist instead. Then another, and another, until she pulls the phone out of the wall.

Sorry, rewind, she's using the COMPANY phone for a PERSONAL call? Not to call her mother and say she has to be home an hour late, or to call a cab because her phone is out of battery? But to chat to her boyfriend. I can't ... I can't take this anymore. I'm just going to emoticon or something every time I see a shoddy business practice. How the fuck is she not fired? How the fuck is this village trading?

Molly walks in as she's pulling the connector cord out of the wall, and Sophie immediately blabs about being in the paper. Molly asks what the papers say, and Sophie admits she hasn't read them, because she was basically so freaked out by the picture (she doesn't admit to freaking about the picture, but that was the only reaction she had, what else am I, as a reader, meant to think?)

Molly loves the pictures, btw.

"Oh well, that's a lovely picture, darling" she coos, as we start reading the first article in the Daily Dawn.

It's that skirt that was Sophie's mom's in the eighties, right?

Here's the article, in its entirety. We will then move onto the articles I have, and that thing I've been saving up:

 

BUSKIN FOR LOVE

Until now Billy Buskin has remained single since his split from his Halo co-star Heidi Black several years ago, with many speculating he was finding it hard to move on from their relationship. However, while filming his latest offering, on location in the Kent countryside, someone seems to have caught his eye.

Billy, who is currently filming an adaptation of the classic Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice in the little village of Rosefont Hill, has apparently been talking about the beauty (pictured above) non-stop on set, even hinting that marriage could be on the cards.

A source said: "The last thing Billy was expecting to find in the country was a girlfriend, especially one who has nothing to do with the film. That's definitely what he finds attractive about her, that she's not a part of the showbiz bubble. She's just a normal girl, who works in a cafe. She's got good morals and she isn't caught up with the drama of Hollywood. In fact, she had no idea who Billy was when they first met."

They continued: "Billy hasn't been shy with his feelings at all. Sophie is all he talks about on set, and he regularly declares to us all that he has finally found love, as well as the girl he is going to marry."

The new couple were caught sharing a tender moment yesterday outside Sophie's workplace, confirming that they are indeed an item.

Billy has dated a steady stream of celebs and A-listers in the past, earning himself our Womanizer of the Year award four years in a row, but could a true English rose be what he has been searching for all along? Watch this space!

 

Fucking hell. There is so much I want to say about it all, but I think I'd be repeating myself. But could you love yourself more here, Sophie? And did you see that? Did you see that they've known each other a month and he's mentioned marriage? But we're just getting warmed up.

Onto the articles! To make it comparable, I will try and use gossip articles about new romance, okay?

The closest one in the Sun is the one I posted in the last blogpost, so I'll be skipping that one. But notice how short it was, and how much it name dropped and ignored the purple prose? Okay.

The Mirror doesn't have a love one either. I will post the closest to it:

MONEY doesn't make you happy, apparently. And it's only people who have it that say that, so it must be true.

Professor Green reckons his priorities have totally changed as he's grown up.

He tells Radio 1: "All I wanna do is get married, have children, walk my dogs and make sure my kids don't grow up like I did. That's happiness. A watch doesn't make you happy."

Speaking about wife-to-be Millie Mackintosh, he says: "I think you get to a point in your life where you just want someone to share your hangovers with." Bless him.

So much purple prose waxing lyrical about Mary Sue Mille, right? So much article, so many details, such big news! Wait ...

 

KAN DITTY IS DITCHED

KANYE West's deleted a song from his new album about Kim Kardashian.

He decided to get rid of the mushy ditty after his mother-in-law Kris Jenner said she "loved it".

The track was called Awesome but it will never be heard now.

But worry not. The new dad, 35, has already written four songs about his baby daughter North West. No doubt these include Scouse brows, fake tan and Stevie Gerrard.

 

Thank you Daily Star!

So as we can see, even when these articles are about love, they're not. Dr Greene's article came closest, and his other half was only briefly mentioned as an after-thought in the final paragraph! This is such horse shit.

And I'm not buying all this anti- news media crap. First of all:

 

Sorry, shall we use a picture from the multiple page article and not the front page?

 

Hey, wait! This is just their wedding! Maybe I'm being harsh?

 

Maybe not.

The thing that pisses me off the most? The blurb for Giovanna on Billy and me.

Actress and freelance journalist, Giovanna is married to Tom Fletcher from McFly. She grew up in Essex with her Italian dad Mario, mum Kim, big sister Giorgina and little brother Mario, and spent most of her childhood talking to herself (it seems no one wanted to listen) or reading books. Giovanna is a firm believer in the power of magpies and positive energy. To see what makes Giovanna smile, view her blog at www.giovannasworld.com or her Twitter page @mrsgifletcher.

That's the blurb, as reposted onto the Amazon page

Freelance journalist. I'm not the only one seeing those words in that combination by the AUTHOR OF A BOOK WHO IS SPITING JOURNALISTS? Right?

This is an article that basically describes the real life Billy and Me. More articles of Giovanna's? ... I can't find any. They're all articles about her.

But wait, she also says she's an actress! So what I said about acting, that should be relevant to her, right? Let's IMDB her.

Two films. One recent.

*sighes* I'm starting to not like Giovanna as a person so much anymore.

This is the moment I wanted to stop reading. I forced myself on. Sophie's starting at all the articles, which are all basically the same, and she and Molly gossip like Molly's turned into a pod person.

Billy runs in about 30 minutes later, whatever time this is, in full period costume. Sophie orgasms at the sight of him, and compares herself to Elizabeth Barrett. No, you're more like a Lydia (sorry to my awesome friend Lydia ... but Lydia Barrett was far more vacuous and far less kick ass than Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Mary would kick Sophie's ass for this one), but zomfg for this bit. I just ... it's making my brain break, I swear.

Billy wants to know if she's okay. He tried to call but couldn't get through. He came to see her because her work phone was off the hook despite someone in his camp giving the a-okay for this article and he can't compute she might freak out? Billy, you just lost ALL your cool points.

He saw 'the paper' with the picture on it (which one? Apparently all the broadsheets ignored fiscal events for mere celebrity fodder after all) and came over after ringing? Just to check she was okay? YOU SHOULD HAVE LET HER KNOW BEFORE THAT YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING OUT!

Sophie just starts cackling like crazy, and Billy is staring at her like she's mental (she is) and he apologises and she says it's not his fault, and then he says:

"I know. But I should've warned you. It was bound to happen at some point. Promise me something; if it ever gets too much, or someone just turns up and you don't like it - call me,"

Oh, I'm dating a famous actor who's fame increases with every scene in this book and yet I never considered the negative aspects of dating someone in the media spotlight! And of course he should grovel because I was so unprepared for something that should be inevitable if he were really that famous.

Because even if he didn't know about this article, she should have known it was a possibility.

And this still wasn't the point I threw this down in disgust. Nope, I kept skimming even past this (seriously, I'm skimming now and we're all following the 'action' pretty well, right?)

Billy says he's spoken to his manager and he's tracking down the mole on set, so they can punish that person for having a loose tongue, because Billy doesn't want to be censored. So Billy can have a loose fucking tongue ... maybe he is a giant fucking diva. Douchebag.

Sophie asks Billy if he 'said those things' (and who else went 'like MARRIAGE' and ignored her English rose/nice normal girl/so not a steretypical Hollywood actress shit she probably actually meant but has already been expounded ad infinitum) and he looks shy and smiles, but says perhaps, he has been talking about her nonstop because now he needs nothing else in life, so maybe?

And she just smiles. And then I fucking walked away from the read-through.

SHE JUST SMILED AT THE THOUGHT OF THIS GUY SHE'S BEEN SEEING ON AND OFF FOR LESS THAN A MONTH ADMITTING HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED!

*pukes up all the Disaronno and cake.*

This ... this is Twilight. This is Fifty Shades. This is so wrong. I just ... fucking hell, is that seriously all girls are meant to worry about? Whether the subject of marriage comes up within the first month of dating? Is this why I'm single?

The next scene is ... Sophie goes to see her mum and we get an unnecessary exchange between Sophie and her mother's co-worker who we'll probably never see again. She seems quite emo, so that's a shame, emo's can be funny characters.

Sophie's mum is organising the backroom, something she does as a diversion tactic. She's doing it because Sophie was in the paper. Somehow, this leads to her begging Sophie not to leave her. Sophie promises she won't.

Sophie's mum?

 

And then her mother fucking mentions that Sophie's older than she was when she married her dad. FFS with the marriage shit already?

There's some more emo shit I can't be bothered with, not because I don't care, but I just ... it's horribly written. It's 'I miss your father because you've started shagging a famous actor'. That's all I can get from it. It makes no real sense and it's so obvious her dad died and it's still not mentioned because it's meant to keep us glued to our seats ... but no.

That's the end of the chapter, and almost the end of 'Part One'. Apparently, there are four parts ... at least we're 25% of the way through, now.