Siobhan's Sporking - Billy and Me, Chapter 5

So, before I start sporking chapter five ... I'm not doing those counts any more. I just get into a roll and scrolling through word just feels tedious and I do enough tedious shit as it is.

Also, I should probably stop reading ahead, as I'm just annoying myself. I just can't believe how fanfic this is. And it's not like fanfiction isn't in Giovanna's sphere of existence, like

 

 

(and yes, that's Jason Perry from A) although admittedly, they only fixate on the fanfics that slash/ship (what's that about, Harry?) I've been reading some reviews on goodreads, and even the ones where Giovanna's been given four or five stars tell about a really generic storyline in the feedback. We are not going to see anything new.

By the way, when chapter five ends, we will be a fifth of the way through Billy and me! Huzzah!

So, the chapter starts at 8am (look at Sophie, finally learning some timings!) and Sophie's waking up to her alarm clock in a state of panic because she hasn't picked an outfit for her date with Billy, zomg!

There is so much wrong with this. As Jenny's pointed out recently, there's something a little wrong when you start your chapters waking up, and end them going to bed. We've had three of five chapters begin with waking up, or a lack of sleep, so borderlining bad writing here alone, Giovanna.

And why would you wake up in a panic? Would this panic have come from a dream? I've had dreams where I'm at work and I realise I forgot a temp in the food safety book or something. That shit isn't funny, that leaves me open for having my ass sued. My point is, I know I'm dreaming at the time, I'm panicked in the dream, I wake up with residual panic. We're given no information even comparing to a nightmare, so again, this is all reader speculation. Which is sloppy, Giovanna.

And lastly, out of what I want to bring up - who the hell cares what you wear for your date? Is it going to help us picture you? Or are we all going to think you're a superficial flake for introducing clothes at this point in the story? I'm not saying clothes aren't important, like I've said before, they give a good first impression because they're the most abundant source of self expression. You have no choice but to wear clothes, so you pick the clothes that make a statement about you. I get that. I've used clothes as a mood indicator in my writing, in more than one way. But when you act like your Sue is so sweet and lovely and only bakes cakes and makes friends with old ladies and insults actors of questionable status, and therefore never focuses on fashion and derides those who do (the yellow suit, the marks and spencer's cardigans ...) then this sort of thing is completely OOC and I hate you.

Guys, I'm sorry. The last four paragraphs of mine? They're based on the first sentence. The first SENTENCE. I hate myself for starting this.

She's still wittering on, and I hate Sophie more:

When my alarm goes off at eight o'clock the following morning I wake up in a panic, realizing I've not picked a date outfit yet - what a thoughtless omission! I have absolutely no clue what Billy has planned for today as he wanted to surprise me, although with hardly anything to do in Rosefont Hill it will be interesting to see what he has come up with.

Oh, quick maths class - this is the following day after she wails at Molly, who does her best to remind her the rabble can't compare to Sophie, since her four conversations with Billy prove she knows him better than anyone else, ever. That happened the day after Billy asked her out. Today's Sunday, so he asked her out Friday. Why in the hell am I the one working out your time frame?

And I hate the end of the first paragraph. "Oh, my village is so small, there's sod all to doooooo! Waaaaaah!" I've had this from people before when trying to make plans. Go to fucking hell, if you think there's nothing to do it's because you have so little personality and imagination that you can't look for or create something to do. Maybe if you had mentioned a slew of village activities or things you enjoy and then disregarded each as inappropriate for valid reasons, I would give you that. But basically, you're saying other people have to create your fun, but even village-based fun won't count. Is there no craft village with pottery painting? Does Molly not have cake workshops? (I went to a beginner and intermediate royal icing workshop in my local cake shop, the classes were fucking A and my cakes were amazeballs) and what's so wrong with a stroll through the countryside, having deep and meaningful conversations? Or is any of the above 'settling'? Screw you, Sophie. And why's the guy got to think of a date's activities anyway? Ever heard of equality?

 

This is my cake by the way, I did the cornelli, the dot detailing, the leafs, the sugar roses ... it took me six weeks to learn and four hours to make)

 

The next paragraph is her whinging about all her stupid clothes and why each is inappropriate (so I guess at least she's able to apply that method of thinking to something ...) she finally settles halfway down page two ... on jeans and boots, and a blouse.

At least I'll be comfortable this way and not pulling at a skirt hem or tugging up my tights all day.

Can't see why Billy wouldn't want some of THAT action (I love People of Walmart pics). Sophie then showers, fusses with her hair, plucks her eyebrows and slaps on make up ... why? Do you do this normally? Are you hoping he won't recognise you? WHY IS THIS COMING UP AS STANDARD IN CHAPTER FIVE? There is nothing to warrant it, nothing. A date shouldn't count. It's because she wants to write a typical romance, accidentally coming off as crazy Mary Sue fanfic. This is the sort of shit they pull. And for two fucking pages!

She finishes caking it on and goes lightheaded. She attributes this to nerves, and breathes to get rid of them. I must constantly be a bag of nerves ... she has a conversation with her mum, which doesn't make any sense whatsoever to me, and not because I'm writing this at my overnight bedtime.

"You look beautiful!"
"Thanks ..." I say, biting my lip.
"Oh no! Look at that face!" she laughs as she wiggles my nose between her fingers.
"I'm just a bit nervous ..."
"There's nothing to be nervous about. It's only a date."
"I know ..."

So, did anyone else read that as "you're beautiful!" "Thanks." "You're ugly!" because it took me a second to realise she meant 'look at that expression'. Again with making me do all your fucking work, Giovanna. And I think I love her mum, just for being so blasé there. Although, she got married to the guy who thought it was okay that his friends be present and most likely the focus, on the first date. Sophie kisses her on the cheek, and runs out the door.

Billy's already waiting for their date, so what time did they decide to do this thing? How long did Sophie get ready for? Why do we introduce and then ignore our timings? Get a calendar, fill up like Sophie might have if this were real and then use it as a reference point (or do what I did, and create something similar in excel, and colour-code for plotlines). Even if you don't specify a lot of timings, the structure will be more evident to the readers. And I'm not trying to be an ass here, the one thing I didn't do for my timings has already been pulled up for me in one of my first chapters, so it's not like I'm a freaking angel. But also, my shit isn't published yet.

Anyway, Sophie gets a teeny bit purple when she sees Billy, I can picture this guy really well. She even describes the colour of the zipper on his hoodie, for fucks sake. She says it's interesting that he's wearing wellies, so Sophie doesn't know from interesting. Clue - this book is about as interesting as those boots.

She finally makes it up the hill (I don't know guys, maybe she needs to read to be able to conquer the peak in mere seconds, but in the face of a handsome guy it grows into Everest) and he gives her a kiss on the cheek, so these guys move fast. I may need my smelling salts to continue reading such graphic scenes (sorry, I'm pissy, my IE's fucking up right now, think I have a virus and the only solution my virus checker has could damage some files, and since for me that means writing, the sims, or my music ... I'm trying to solve it in other ways :( )

Billy says she looks beautiful, and she just smiles and can feel her cheeks changing colour again. I'm not even going to mention that one any more, I'm just going to go and listen to flavours or some crap like that. Lark, can you hear that spaghetti carbonara? Maybe you hear the pot boiling to cook the pasta, or the hum of the oven's fans ... dumb bitch.

 

Billy presents her with pink and blue wellies, and she cracks a dumb joke about most girls getting flowers. I can't even ... you had TULIPS! Back in the day, one bulb would've set him back £2500! I was watching Breaking Amish earlier, and Abe was doing his nut because Rebecca wanted roses and they were $125 each! And this was for their wedding! Sorry he's not blowing his obvious millions on flowers every day he sees you, but if you were really so fucking obsessed, pick a couple of wildflowers on your walk to the date!

Billy's on my side, he does the eyebrows thing and points out he already did that, and get the boots on. We get the grossest sentence ever in romance 'how did you know my size!' ("for menfolk are not always so aware of the intricacies of the fitting of female garments, particularly as our body sizes differ on various areas and lo, I am particularly impressed!") ... it's wellies. I'm guessing you're meant to be an average girl? Average British women are size 5-7 in footwear. He went for six, and lucked out. You're welcome, Sophie.

Anyone would think he bought her a size 8 dress for her to gush all over. Which totally makes me think of Can You Keep A Secret by Sophie Kinsella where Emma tells her boyfriend that she's size 8 and he believes her and buys her underwear in size 8 ... which she can't ever wear because she's 12. That was a good mockery of the situation you're including here by the way, Giovanna.

She makes a stalking joke about her shoe size and he plays along. I feel sick. Why is stalking such a great device in romance these days? Why do women think it means twu wuv and why do men think it proves their dedication? Do me a favour, if Carter, or any of my guys in my stories ever start thinking this behaviour is in any way okay, and no one pulls them up on it? Tell me I'm a shit writer and I'm never approach word again. Tell me why obviously, so I can also burn my notebooks.

Billy then says my favourite line from any male anywhere, once Sophie has her boots on. He says 'come on'. Any variation of 'come' as a command does my nut in. I had a boyfriend do that once, 'come here' *code for 'I want a kiss'* ... I never pulled that shit, why was it getting pulled on me? Come here, sit, heel, play dead ... I'm not a fucking dog doing tricks *grinds teeth*

I feel like I'm in cliche city. It's not going to get any better. He introduces her to the horses, but doesn't give the horses the same consideration (which was the only part of the Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks that seemed genuine, Beth introduced herself to Zeus before Logan) and then we get a really long, boring filler scene about getting on horses. Seriously, two pages of my kindle. Does Giovanna put any bread with the filling on her shit sandwich of a book?

They 'hack' through the woods that mystically border the village *shrugs* where there are bluebells. She says they're beautiful, and my spite lessens since I passed patches of bluebells in Richmond Park on my bike ride and they made me smile because they were all innocent and hiding in long grass and tempting me to pick them, but seven miles of biking up and down hill put me off a little. And then she sends me back into bitch mode by talking about missing horse riding and how much better she is at it than Billy. Fucking Mary Sues, getting all up in my bluebell scene reminiscing! Of course she was amazing at horse riding, she can probably get her legs behind her head too.

She of course rubs it in Billy's face that she's amazing and he's shit, so she's well on form today. Billy mentions a 'big lake' and Sophie says 'she knows the one' like there are many lakes but only one big one and ... I seriously know nothing about Sophie's town. So there's a wood ... and a lake ... and a teacakeshopsometimescafebutsometimesnotbecauseofmisogynywoo on a hill ... and an alleyway that sounds like a boulevard, and a manor house somewhere ... that's it. That's all I got. I was wondering if this was maybe somewhere like my friend Charli's mum lives, but it's starting to sound more like a video adaptation of one of these books, so maybe Billy looks like Colin Firth and I think I just entered a vortex of Lacking Imagination Completely. Sure is full of Harry Potter and Twilight fanfics in here ...

They ride some more (oh, come ON now!) and get to the lake, stopping under an oak tree because describing the actual protagonist or setting isn't as important as noting random bits of vegetation and they start talking about lunch as they tie the horses to the trees. The 'are you hungry' conversation takes over a page and seriously? I wish I did an AnaBella Syndrome count, but then I'd have to bother with counts. But yes, AnaBella. Totes. Sophie even forgot she was hungry or to eat until Billy brought it up! *spontaneously combusts* even better, she claims the only way they can be having this conversation is IF HE READ IT OFF A SCRIPT! Dude.

I'm not a happy bunny, because my kindle has frozen. Like, it won't turn the page, won't turn off, won't do jack. Come on, kindle, I'm staying up late for this! Ah, plan B, kindle app on my ipad ... *toddles off for ipad* *toddles back**loads app, loads books, syncs, and carries on* so now the format is a little weird because I think I get one page split on two pages, but I'll try and bear that in mind as I go.

Billy needs to blindfold her to show her food, because AnaBella's need to be surprised to open their cakehole big enough to get more than a crumb past their lips. Billy walks her with his hands over her eyes ... on their first date. After knowing each other for a week, and seeing each other three times in that space, and spending a couple of hours at a time in each other's presence ... Sophie deserves to be hacked to death in the woods.

 

He finally lets her look, and there's loads of fairy lights and a black sheet around it which sounds like he wants a night-time picnic but couldn't pencil it in, or even worse ... it sounds like a set. A crappy set from a junior school production. I bet he has a video camera somewhere filming this ... Sophie waxes lyrical about this shit while I test out the two-fingers-on-the-uvula theory and eventually Sophie tells Billy 'wow'. He tells her that's two in one date and since I am skimming this shit I legitimately had to go back and scan for the other wow. It was over the horses, which she used to ride. But Sophie has strange ideas of interesting, as I already discussed in this chapter.

They take off their wellies so they don't muddy the blanket on the floor and settle on some throw cushions, and Billy admits he's gay and asks Sophie to be his beard ... no, I'm kidding! He should, because this is the gayest date I've ever heard of. And I regularly write picnic date scenes (with KFC, because of my high levels of awesome), so yeah ... the black stage-backing sheet (cyclorama?) and fairy lights were unnecessary, as was the cushions. Blanket, basket, people, that's all that matters. Fuck your overkill.

 

(for those who read Uprooted ... that's kinda how I picture Becki, but without the trampy eye make up and wearing the clothes from the front cover of Sarah Dessen's new book

but I digress)

 

They drink orange and cranberry and it's Sophie's favourite drink! I would gag again, but I have this weird thing where I go 'I don't like cranberries' *eat cranberries or drink a cranberry drink* 'oh yeah, I actually love cranberries'. I wish I was kidding, but no, I seriously believe I do not like cranberries but eat them by the bucket. Psychosis, am I right? I'm still going to gag for him knowing her favourite drink, because nothing says 'dating my beard' like knowing this shit out-of-hand.

We get a list of food in the basket, and it's all Sophie's favourites, and then she realises he isn't watching her eat at home, and actually asked Molly about her. And we get more OOC from Molly, because she didn't sabotage Sophie like I would have and Regina would have, but I bet she loved having Billy behind Sophie's back. Like Aaron Samuels.

They giggle over Molly keeping a secret that she wouldn't use later to stab someone in the back and Billy says he got the crew to help him set out his beardpad. They start chowing down and Sophie says how relaxed she feels with Billy, so I guess he drugged her food? Molly teach you that too, huh, Tiger?

Once they've eaten, they lie back on the blankets and throw cushions and Sophie zomg's because ... can I put this kind of smut on my blog ... heavens! Okay, hold it together ... their shoulders are touching, ever so slightly.

 

Sophie asks Billy his favourite book, because when you write a book you totally forget that books aren't popular so much anymore (hint hint, John Green) and of course people start getting to know each other through the books they read.

I know about 6 people who regularly read books. 6. I work with 100 people. Six does not even cover my siblings. Do you know how my ex found out I was an obsessive reader? I went to visit him when we went to different universities, I had no classes but he had one, and when he came home I was halfway through Are You Dave Gorman? which I had found on his shelf and refused to really talk to him until I'd finished. I did something similar when I met his mother (...) my friends will contest to the fact I will bundle about ten books their way and tell them to give me them back when they finish (and I forget and buy a second copy thinking all is lost) ... yeah, half my library is scattered across the country right now.

Anyway, Billy does me a solid and admits he's never read a book. Suck it, Sophie! Sophie's favourite book is *groans* Jane Eyre. Fuck you. You know what you just did.

Jane Fucking Eyre ... I can't ... I just ... my brain is going to explode and never recover. You're not a reader Sophie, a reader reads more than just three books, over and over. I have mentioned more writers and books in just this chapter than you have in the entire novel so far, and I've mentioned seven if you do not include me (eight) or Giovanna's husband and band, who've at least had ghost writers assemble their autobiography (12). What you are Sophie, is

 

They start talking about what they wanted to do, and first Sophie says a writer (grrrrrrrr, I wrote a post on that! You are or you aren't, but want does NOT come into it) but then a doctor (not with your brains) and then a florist. Even though she worked in a flower shop and experienced the other side to the flower-arranging. It's like when people come to McDonald's and have the reality slap of it being more about cleaning than cooking (because we have to be sanitary enough to serve food) and the look on their faces when they have to wipe the sides, bleach the steel doors, mop the floor, change the clothes we're using, keep the chemicals in the correct pots, wear gloves when handling dairy ... oh, did you think it was a five second thing to cook a burger and we all just take the piss?

Seriously, she basically laments working at the florist because she had to clean the buckets of all the flower debris like loose leaves and fallen petals and stamen powder and dirtied water. She obviously wanted the glamour of poking pre-pruned rose stems into that weird green polystyrene.

Anyway, now she wants to steal the teashop, which Billy picks up on right away (is he also thinking 'you just want to settle, like your mother did'? because it feels like she picks the thing she's doing to be her ambition and that way she's living her dream and you're not so Sophie's better than you) and there's some dull exposition about Molly, for some reason. Sophie sounds like she'd shit the teashop up, you know, she'd do flower arranging classes ... in a shop for pastries and darjeeling. The health and safety critic in me just had a raging hernia.

Sophie's not into drinking, or drugs, or smoking, or anything that makes her seem less than innocent, which I'm not buying after her boyfriend history lesson. All she wants is her safety screen and oh my God, does this girl have anything going for her?

 

We will all need to go soon.

We then find out Billy stumbled into acting and it sounds a LOT like Sophie's info dump from earlier. They're so made for each other, clearly. Billy whinges about how hard life is as an actor and he doesn't like his profile and fuck off, Hollywood's rammed with people trying to make it, clear the field for them if it's such a fucking drag. Or to quote Zac Efron:

 

 

 

He also says he's having a blast, that the negatives of acting can't compare to the positives and the fans made him what he is, he'll always make time for them. Take note, Billy Buskin. He pussy-whinges about the chaos of growing up in a family of seven, and as someone who has grown up in a family of seven ... what the hell? This actually sounds like someone who read Harry Potter, thought they understood about large families and wrote to a type.

"I bet that was a noisy house."
"Yeah, it was, but I always had someone to play with or someone to talk to."

No. No, no, no. "I always had someone who would encourage me to be an ass to one of my other siblings until it escalated to the point my mother intervened." "It's totally normal to throw the phone at your sister for pulling your hair, right?" "They built more rooms on the house and got into debt to keep us all from killing each other, in the end." "It's only now we're adults that we can laugh about selling each other out to mum to piss each other off, right? What larks *I still hate you*."

I was the runt they always picked on. I'm not bitter, no ... but also ...

"At least when mum or dad went off on one there was always someone to stand behind and pull stupid faces so you got the giggles. Yeah, your grounding was worse, but totally worth it." "There being so many at least meant mum could never keep up with which one of us she was grounding at a time ... it only sucked when she grounded us all to make it easier for her.""I would never have known the rocket game without my siblings."

**the rocket game was totally awesome, we had two two-seater sofas opposite each other in the living room. Two people would lay with their backs on each sofa, facing across from each other and bend their knees up. The other two would push against their feet then go launching across the room and smash into each other. Mum hated it. We also got banned from playing shithead - the card game - when I screamed at my brother that he was clearly the shithead because I had the winning card and he didn't so could he stop the cycle of fucking me over already? I was eleven, he was twelve. Mum walked in to me going "You're the shithead! YOU'RE THE SHITHEAD!" This is what happens in a large family.**

I digress, because my family history is way more funny than this book ... so Billy moved his entire family to America when he was shooting a film (called Halo, real original, is that based on the video game?) and now they all live out there. The fuck was the point of that? And is 'my brother is a semi-famous actor' really applicable for a visa? Read Lindsey Kelk, because I learned a few things about working visas from that. She likes to repeat the first scene over and over, so that should ease you in, Giovanna.

Giovanna then asks if Billy's MO is the stage props and he says no, his MO usually want to go clubbing or to restaurants or somewhere they can be seen. Bitch, I got to TGI's and Chiquitos for cocktails and food, the fuck's going to see you there? Macs is a restaurant too, so ... I'm having real trouble with this bit. And basically he's crying that he's only dated superficial girls and he knows Sophie's not superficial because she wore wellies ... because Kate Moss never went to Glastonbury? I'm so fucking confused by the stereotypical standards.

Billy then starts kissing her face off, and she AnaBella's by trying to pin him down and eat him (does she mean a BJ?) and the chapter ends and I'm so confused by the latent eroticism. Oh well, chapter 6 next, and I've just seen it starts with The next few weeks whizz by in a blur so who needs to see Sophie and Billy actually get to know each other past this first date?