Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter one

Chapter one starts by telling us it's April, and winter was 'dreary' but there's lots of flowers and colours and optimism in the air, bunnies on the floor and birds flying through the air.

So of course, Sophie is in a coat, to keep out the crisp spring air that threatens to chill my bones. Sorry Sophie, I think it's winter still.

She goes on to add to the count in the second paragraph:

My cold button nose is buried deep inside a battered copy of Wuthering Heights as I make my way down the tree-lined alleyway that leads to the quiet High Street.

*sighs* Is your nose a button one, or did that kind of purple prose just grab you? And I'd batter my copy of Wuthering Heights if it wasn't on my kindle because that book sucks ass(my personal opinion, sorry). Also, alleyways are typically between houses or fences, and are rarely tree-lined. I don't know where you were walking, Sophie.

Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 2

This then leads nicely into another opportunity to bump up my counts, because she can read while walking yet avoid all dangers by staying away of her periphery vision thanks to my literary obsession!

Excited?! Me?!: 3

I'm guessing it's thanks to the obsession because she read a how-to on walking, reading, and avoiding manholes. Unfortunately it doesn't get referenced, possibly because Heathcliff declared it was Cathy's book and a wench like Sophie shouldn't sully it. She says she still says good morning to people she passes, so either she's not concentrating on the book and therefore just walking around obscuring her vision, or she's chancing a 'good morning' on whatever obstacles she thinks she can see. She probably said good morning to as many trees as she did people.

She's also training for the olympic reading-while-walking event, I think, because despite reading she's taking strong strides up a hill. I've read-and-walked, you really don't walk that fast, or quickly, or which much purpose, and that goes double since you're on an incline. She can also see through the pages at Molly waving and winking through the window ... so we'll just assume what Sophie was actually doing was walking and thinking about Wuthering Heights.

Sophie enters the shop, and Molly's on the phone, gossiping about someone, and we add to our count with something really bitchy:

"Oooh, June,' she coos, excitement making her voice go squeaky. "There she is now! Gosh, what on earth is she wearing that for? She looks like she's in a banana suit!"

So, Molly's a bit of a bitch.

Excited?! Me?!: 4

I actually don't know the point of this bit, except to make Molly seem vicious with her gossiping and show Sophie to be a bit spineless.

I follow Molly's gaze and find that she's looking at Mrs Taylor, who has decided to venture outside today wearing a tight, bright yellow two-piece. Oh, the scandal! I roll my eyes and walk over to the oven to start baking. I can still hear Molly wittering away on the phone while I tie on my red-and-pink spotted apron.

See? She knows Molly's being a bitch, she thinks it's wrong, she sees nothing wrong with the outfit described ... but she starts baking. Also, unless they're pink and red spots on a white background, that apron sounds gross.

Molly carries on 'wittering' (bitching) until Mrs Taylor comes into the shop. She hangs up quickly, and Molly becomes an even bigger bitch by smiling and simpering as she talks to Mrs Taylor, and then compliments her on her outfit, saying yellow really suits you!

She didn't have to say shit about the outfit, she wasn't prompted. If it was that bad, mention Mrs Taylor's hair cut. This is what I fucking hate about other women. And Sophie's response? To think internally

Ahh, the friendly two-facedness of village life

Was that really friendly? That was like Regina George saying:

 

Molly is Regina George in fifty years. Anyway, the next bit is of Sophie banging around in the kitchen and Molly asking why but not really asking and the conversation goes in a pointless circle vortex of increased word count. So what does that signal?

Big, bad secret: 3

I'm still only two chapters on from here, and you know what? I can call this secret. Her dad died, her mum couldn't get over it, and neither could she. Billy will help her come to terms with it, blah blah blah.

I'm also introducing a new count, because the amount of ellipses I'm seeing in the text is frightening. Ellipses are so tempting, and I am forever editing the shit out of them and in fact I've deleted two in this spork alone. There's a use for them, to show a transition from one thought period to another but this is ridiculous and unnecessary. A comma would do for most of them.

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 11 (I just counted)

We're treated to a time jump signalling the end of an undetermined length of shift, when Sophie goes to visit her mum, and we hear all about their council-funded library. Are there many independent libraries in England and I'm just unaware because I come from a poor area where all we have is council-funded libraries? Or is this opposed to a University library and therefore balancing genres rather than being academic?

She also gets a bit Bella-Swan like, saying there's only ten rows of battered books (does her mother not give people the stink eye and try and revoke their cards based on the way they've neglected these books?) and two computers that might as well turn to oil now, they're such dinosaurs. At least there's a study table and a stretch saved for beanbags. So we can afford to spruce up the decor, but not the actual point of the library ie books and computers? I'm not pissing about here:

Mum takes great pride in the place and makes sure the rows of books gleam to perfection, that her wall displays are always fun and inviting, and that she's quick to order in anything requested that they don't have in stock.

I take it back, she's Ana Steele-d it (with her, nasty, never-used trainers) ... how can the books be battered, yet gleaming? I'm assuming all these dog-eared, fall apart books her mother is so eager to order more of are in dust jackets ... but wouldn't it be more prudent to pay for new rather than second- or third-hand? But hey, I shouldn't judge, because the walls are fun! Take that, High Street!

She talks to her mum, and almost Bella Swan's again, since we get this wonderful description of her mother, but we still don't know what she looks like. She misses being a total Bella though, because we actually get hazel eyes and chestnut hair, which is a major step up from 'my mom looks like me' *flips back and confirms there's no description for the comparison in the first place*

We find out her mum, who's restacking magazines, has been reading along as she goes, so well done skiver-mum! It's an opening however, to talk about how her mum thinks the magazines will bring in younger people because they're things like Heat and Grazia and shit. Which will lead to talking about the point of the story eventually, but first, we need some culture!

 

"We've also had some new books delivered," she continues, as she picks herself up from the floor, brushes dust off her knee-length black skirt and removes bits of fluff from her black shirt. "Including a brand new copy of Jane Eyre," she continues. "So you no longer have to battle with those loose or missing pages!"

Oh, for Jane Eyre we can get a brand new copy, but Dan Brown and Dorothy Koomson can go take a hike, right? Also, continues twice in the same paragraph? That's an Ana trait. I can tell this has been edited, so what the hell editor, proof-reader and beta readers? Could she not 'add' after she 'continued'? Plus

 Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 3

Jane Eyre reminds me of my year eight teacher making me stand on a chair at the front of class so he could deliver the teacher's "you're pathetic, Jane; you have no future" speech at me. Thanks for that mental scarring, Mr Cracknell (could be worse, he did Mr Rochester's love speech to my friend. Awkwarrrrrrrd!)

Sophie's read Jane about a hundred times, by the way, but the old copy's probably worn out by all the schoolgirls who leave it in their bags ... grrrrrrr! (also, mental note, add to the ellipsis count because that was an unfinished sentence in the book) Okay first of all, depending on which exam board your school is part of, Jane Eyre is on the curriculum. Girls and boys would all be reading it. Second, if it's in their bags, it's safer for the spines and therefore the leaves than if it was, I don't know, being read constantly? And third, why would these school children have a book for their coursework and then just leave it in their bags? They'd come out for lessons, and homework assignments and I'm actually so mad at this. Is this a dig at Tom's fans?

Tom McFly? Is that you?: 1

So mad, I'm starting that count early.

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 12

And now her mum starts gossiping. She says she doesn't want to hear any gossip but pfffft, course she does. The gossip it that a film company is coming, ohmigosh, and they're going to make a period drama right in the village, up in the big hall that the village was built around. They're making Pride and Predjudice, would you believe?

Excited?! Me?!: 6

Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 5

Yep, the exclamation count got a triple, look at this:

"This is the bit I think you'll like ..." She pushes her glasses up her nose with one finger and pauses for dramatic effect. "Pride and Prejudice!"
"No!"
"Yep!"

And Goddammit, I almost missed it:

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 13

But Sophie isn't happy, because of course a film crew is going to butcher a classic Austen, and they clearly don't love Austen the way Sophie does.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 4

It's such a Mary Sue thing, to love something so much better than everyone else and therefore piss and moan if someone dares touch their special thing. I'm tempted to add to the Tom count on this as well, because this is so foreshadowing for the Tom figure, but I won't. Sophie starts speculating on who Darcy is going to be played by, because hey, a Sue is not complete without a Stu, and wouldn't a film star just be the peachiest role for a Stu? That way he can be perfect and manly and it's expected.

Been there, done that. Also, this adds:

Excited?! Me?!: 7

Sophie's hoping it's Jude Law. Now, for an older-than-myself man, Jude Law is pretty fit, but this seems off to me. Jude's borderlining forty, he's too old for the role. Why couldn't she say someone like James McAvoy or Orlando Bloom? Both can do regency, and British accents, and are young enough to pull off the role. I think they both have, actually. It's just weird for a twenty-six year old to fantasise about a young man being played by a middle-aged man when people like Douglas Booth make more sense for her to aim for, but this might be to try to show how unattainable the Stu is going to be. This gets two counts:

How convenient, Mary Sue: 5

Tom McFly, is that you?: 2

We're treated to another time jump, where everyone's gossiping about the film. Not about how wonderful Pride and Prejudice is and how excited they are for a new interpretation, but because it's a film, and they might get to meet whatever star is involved.

We get this wonderful bit of foreshadowing as well:

The shop has slowly become the 'cool' place to hang out, attracting grannies and mums in the daytime and then schoolgirls from four o'clock onwards. There are a few different groups of girls that come in on a regular basis, but this afternoon we are joined by Janet, Ella and Charlotte - three fifteen-year-olds who simply love talking boys, make up and gossip whilst sipping their pot of peppermint tea and picking at their skinny blueberry muffins.

Oh, boy. Do you know what I just read? "All Tom's fans are young, have stupid names and are vacuous and cliquey." Harsh. I'm older than all of McFly, love reading, and writing and discussing theories, but I also love shopping, and peppermint tea, and cake ... I will give you the stupid name. Seriously, what monster calls their child Janet these days? Apparently she's bossy, and therefore the leader of the clique. Nice judgement there, Sophie.

So the first person mentioned is a made up Big Brother contestant. It gets lots of exclamation marks, because he weed in the pool and had a threesome in the garden apparently. Not sure anyone is quite that voyeuristic. But still

Excited?! Me?!: 8

Charlotte, who's quiet and therefore thought more kindly about, volunteers that she heard Billy Buskin might be Darcy.

Tom McFly? Is that you?: 3

Billy Buskin is a made up actor, and because the title is Billy and me, and we've already met the me (Sophie) this must be the Billy. Welcome to my Sherlock style powers of deduction. Charlotte heard this from the mum of one of their friends who's going to train the cast on horse-riding. She has lists, and apparently no confidentiality contracts, so what kind of shitty film crew is this? It would be different if Charlotte was snooping and found the list, and she'd impress her friends more.

Anyway, her friends hear the facts and immediately ignore them because he's too famous for a period piece, dontcha know? Except I know Jake Gyllenhaal tries to match every three films he does with a stint in the theatre and Daniel Radcliffe is equally eager about being on Broadway as he is about expanding his film roles. So this gets a blatant count for shitty foreshadowing.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 6

And then we get this wonderful bit of internal monologue:

I've no idea who they're talking about and so zone out and think about Jude. Imagine walking through the village and bumping into him every day! That would be absolute heaven! Of course, he'd bring lots to the role too ... charm and charisma. I don't just want him here to ogle at - honest!"

Excited?! Me?!: 11

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 15

We then get to hear why she's obsessed with Jude Law, it's because of The Holiday. And Goddammit, I'm giving this final paragraph a couple of counts, because it's vacuous what Toms fans - those teenagers-are discussing, but since Sophie loves Austen and Bronte and Jude Law, it's different:

How convenient, Mary Sue: 7

Tom McFly, is that you?: 4

Excited?! Me?!: 12

And I bet you thought I was joking about the excite-o-meter bit.

 

END OF CHAPTER TALLIES:

Big, bad secret: 3
Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 5
Excited?! Me?!: 12
How convenient, Mary Sue: 7
Molly just knows, OKAY?: 1 (unchanged from prologue)
Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 15
Tom McFly, is that you?: 4 (and Billy hasn't even shown up yet)