Siobhan's Sporking: Billy and Me, Chapter 3

Chapter three starts with Sophie laying in bed, looking around at her pink walls and photo frames that hang up. All the pictures are of her family. It leads almost straight into another flashback where Sophie goes into her dad helping her pick her colour scheme and moaning when she picks pink because 'she'd grow out of it'. That doesn't happen for every girl you know, and some don't ever go for pink. Check out this wonderful bit of inner monologue:


Being an only child I generally never heard the word 'no' when asking for something.


Grrrrrr! I have an only child, I have to remind myself that I can say yes occasionally. Anyway, most of the memory is of painting the walls and eating KFC. It's about two pages of my kindle so I am sparing you like crazy. The memory ends and then Sophie talks about how she hates change, but the change of Billy is acceptable. We get some totally unacceptable Mary Sue prose then.


Once I stop cringing at the fact that I had a near panic attack in front of a complete stranger, I can't help but grin to myself at the thought of his smile, his touch, even his smell. Just thinking about him is enough to make my insides flutter. I've never experienced a feeling like this - I'm giddy and full of what I think is hope.


Oh, he touched me! I love him! I'm a pure virgin at twenty-six and I'm acting like I'm thirteen! Pfffft.

How convenient, Mary Sue: 16

Is every chapter going to start with a Mary Sue? Also, we've swapped ellipses with hyphens, but I doubt it'll last.

I hate how a lot of current popular fiction starts with a virginal girl falling for the first guy to flash her a smile. Referencing my work again, one of my lead characters is a girl who's just gotten out of an abusive situation where she was used by multiple boys - and men - at the hands of her manipulative relative. The first relationship you see her in is one where the guy thinks he's pushing her luck by holding her hand and for her, the revelation is that he's giving her respect, and her space. The other lead character is in a relationship that's gone stale, and although I think he'd love to give up the v-card, his girlfriend is clinging to hers like crazy. I just think there's more depth out there, more room to make relationships special, by searching for more normal experiences. Not many people fall in love, lose their v-card and marry the very first person to show them attention. I know it happens, I do have a couple of friends in that situation, but for the most part? No. So why do popular books insist on going this route? And also, you should totally read my book.

Back on it, Sophie says how she's avoided male contact and surrounded herself by old dears as much as she can. She has dated, yes, because the old ladies try and hook her up with their grandchildren which sounds painful. She says I'm baffled by the feelings stirring in me.

Maybe you're demiromantic? And oh, my God, she's still obsessing over him touching her. How many pages of this chapter are 'he touched my arms, he held my hand, he touched my arms'?


I find myself replaying tiny bits of the day in my head - his hand smoothing out his hair, my hands in his as he rubbed them with his thumbs to calm me down, his concerned smile as he said goodbye ... I'm a complete loser. What makes it worse is that I know nothing about this handsome stranger. I have no idea what brought him to Rosefont Hill, although I'm guessing Molly's right and that he has something to do with the filming. The thing I find most frustrating is that I don't even know his name.

Molly just knows, OKAY?: 4

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 28

Don't worry Bella, he won't be a handsome stranger for long. And what else would trigger him coming to the village except this new film? And why the hell didn't you ask for his damn name? Was he meant to walk in and go 'Ladies, ladies, it's okay, Billy Buskin is here for to drink coffee and eat cake and keep a low profile from the younger village folk!' most actors are shy away from camera or stage.

She spends even more time waxing lyrical about whether she'd see him again and not being able to sleep because of handsome. I'm skipping it because I'm now on the fifth kindle page and all she's done is lay in bed and think and boost her word count by repeating the other two-and-a-bit chapters.

But fear not, readers, for we have a section break and can return to Gary Stu! Phew, for a second there I thought we really would never see him again, as opposed to having every chapter focus on him. It wouldn't be a good McFly fanfic romance if that happened. We get such a typical English-person-in-prose conversation then:

After lunchtime the following day, just as I start to lose hope of the stranger ever coming back, in he walks. I can't help but smile at him.
"Hello, you. Feeling any better?" he asks.
"Yes ... although I still feel like the world's biggest plonker," I admit.
"Really? Hopefully these will cheer you up a little bit, then," he says, holding out a bunch of multicoloured tulips.


How convenient, Mary Sue: 17

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... more Ellipses!: 29

It's list time:

-I don't know how long it is 'after lunch' but who dictates when 'lunch' is? You're in the food industry, sure, so atypically people will increase their visits between 12 and 2, depending on where they work. But local workers aren't guaranteed to get their breaks in that slot, and as a result, sometimes lunch rushes go from 11 until 3. Why are you allergic to timings? If this was set in a school, or an office, 'lunch' would be easily determined, so 'after lunch' is clearer. And is this the lunch rush you're talking about, or your own personal lunch break?
-It's either 'hello you, feeling any better?' or hello, you feeling any better?' I don't understand your comma use.
-He asked a question and closed the sentence. He was not going to speak again until you answered. Therefore, 'he asks' should be capitalised. Basic English!
-I am a plonker, and therefore such a Rodney, Del Boy.
-Who the hell gives tulips to someone they've known for about two hours?

*sighes* Sophie's all 'you didn't need to buy me flowers' and he's like 'bitch, I walked past a florist and they were just sat there, it's nothing.' So giving flowers is just a thing that Billy does. And didn't he help her? So why the fuck is he getting her flowers instead of her giving him a giftcard for Game? Men love money towards their PS3's.

Sophie then completely Mary Sue's by asking him if he wants to eat something (... in a tea shop ... during opening hours ...) and he's like 'coffee will be great, Baby,' and then walks over to the table he sat at the day before. She appropriately Mary Sue's out by orgasming behind the counter, stopping just short of Ana Steele-ing it by hugging herself and rocking. She takes his coffee over and actually bothers to look away from his face at the papers in front of him.


"Ah, so you are working on Pride and Prejudice!" I exclaim.
"I sure am. Hence all the talking to myself," he says as he raises his eyebrows. "I've been learning lines. Well, trying to."
"So your odd behaviour makes sense, then! Miss Brown will be thrilled to hear that."


Are you fucking kidding me? She's like 'you're working on the film! Molly should be a master detective!' and he's like 'um, yeah, I'm trying to read? I have to remember this shit, cue-cards are so embarrassing.' And she returns with 'so you're not mental, you were just acting! The old bat who forgot me long enough to miss my panic attack and never asked for that other pot of tea will be so glad you're not a mass-murderer!'

Ahem. He's also raising his eyebrows, did you see that? 'I'm Billy Buskin bitch, how do you not recognise me and want the honour of licking my feet?' Oh Billy, you were doing so well last chapter. Is it because she made you lose your place? It's the flowers, flowers make bitches crazy, next time just have your assistant do it.

Excited?! Me?!: 23

And now for a long excerpt, which we will go into detail after but expect many 'lulwut's.


"You'll finally be able to end all the rumours then - on who's playing Mr Darcy?"
"Well-"
"All the schoolgirls that come in here have been harping on about this teen hot-shot bagging the role, apparently he did some big trilogy thingamabob - not my cup of tea really, never seen it. Erm, Billy something ...?"
"Oh?"
"Mmm ... but me, I'm hoping for Jude Law," I declare.
"Really?"
"Yep ... I know it's a long shot but he'd be much better at it that some newbie heart-throb who probably doesn't know the first thing about romance or desire. So, do you have any idea if you'll be joined by the one and only Mr Law?"
He stares at me for a few seconds before saying,
"Actually, I'm not on set until tomorrow, so hopefully I'll find out then."
"In that case you'd better come back and tell me everything!"


Ellipses! Ellipses! ... more Ellipses!: 32

Excited?! Me?!: 24

How convenient, Mary Sue: 18

I know what this is. This is the set up for her to be like 'I put my foot in it, how embarrassing, I insulted the hot guy without realising I was insulting him!' but it's just. So. Tacky. Of course she doesn't wait for an answer, and whittles on with her grand ideas, and then insults him all at the same time. Of course he looks at her like she's lost the plot, because even if she had no idea who Billy was, she must be aware that if that guy is being speculated for the role the smart thing is to hold back on your opinion that he has no depth?

And from what I can see so far, despite her acting like a puppy reunited with its owner who's returning for work, he has been pretty obvious in his interest in her, and I get the feeling more from his actions than I do from hers that there's something of substance there.

Sophie just seems more and more of a dipshit as this goes on. I'm so sad, already, because I know Giovanna's better than this, she doesn't need to BellaLolClumsy her character to make her likeable. The appeal of this story for me was that there wouldn't be awkward scenes like this. I feel let down.

Anyway, Sophie goes back to work and I'm going to assume that Billy tries to concentrate on his script while also thinking maybe he won't come back to the crazy-bitch teashop tomorrow. Sophie's amazed that she managed to talk to Billy for the second day in a row which is actually really annoying. She attributes this to being giddy, or being more excited about the filming than she realised (since she was anti- this film, that's not exactly hard) ... or else it came from flowers. Ahem. Like I said, flowers make bitches crazy.

She starts baking muffins ready for Janet and co, and says she can feel his eyes on her. If she looks up, he's watching her 'intensely' but then looks away, rubbing his head. Sweetie, I think he's either memorising his lines like his job needs him to, or else he's wondering why the fuck you don't know who he is. I love this next bout of hypocrisy too:


Usually attention like this is the sort of thing I try to avoid, as it tends to make me feel uneasy and want to disappear, but there's something about this guy that I find intriguing. I want to know more about him. Unfortunately those feelings still don't stop my cheeks from turning a deep shade of pink at the realization that I'm being watched!


I refuse to comment on the obvious annoying tangent this is taking. It makes me want to slap Sophie. So we'll stick to this:

-he is intriguing, beyond being famous. The guy has been insulted by you multiple times in the last two days and not only has he been gracious about it, he's even rewarded you for it with flowers.

-how do you know you're pink? Is this an all-over glow? Or are you surrounded by mirrors? There is no way in first person narrative that you could know what your face looks like. Your cheeks can be hot, or prickly, but they cannot be pink unless someone has told you or you have seen your reflection.

-realization is Americanised. Realisation is the British spelling. You're a British writer, they're British characters, dafuq you doin', fool?

And lest I forget, once again:

How convenient, Mary Sue: 19

Excited?! Me?!: 25

There's a section break, and Sophie's putting muffins out on a plate when Janet and five friends come into the teashop. Uh-oh, this is it guys, this is the moment where Sophie's Mary Sue-like ability to not be socially aware comes to bite her in the ass and litter her speech with ellipses and exclamation marks aplenty.

The girls are talking about some boy called Matthew in their class and him playing the girls they know off one another. Sophie's doing really well following this dialogue, since she's so against being popular or casual dating or interacting with someone outside of Mansfield Park. Janet then interrogates Sophie about the calorie content of her muffins after Sophie fucked up months ago, but they're interrupted by Ella screeching across the shop. She's seen Billy. And all the girls start taking pictures on their phones without asking and one starts crying while one of them tries to slam him to the floor or something ...

Is this how Giovanna views the fans? I've met Tom a couple of times, and Dougie a few more (and even though he's from my area, it always seems to be in London, what's up with that Dougie?) and I've not seen that happen. I've been in circumstances where I've met Harry and Dougie at a gig, been on a train with Dougie, bumped into Dougie shopping (Dougie obviously wants me ;) ) and I've also been in a meet-and-greet situation where a hundred fans got to spend an hour with the guys. There were a few slots throughout the day, and a day or two set in each city around the UK, it was a seriously cool thing ... but the fans were all a lot calmer than that. And awesome things happen when you're a calm fan (like my friend Jodie, who has danced with Danny and had Danny sing to her on two separate occasions ... we have awesome stories for the grandkids) I just can't picture what she's describing.

Like, I went to high school with this girl who now works on ITV, and she said she bumped into Tom and Giovanna at some after hours thing, and she felt like she was a goon in front of them, asking for photo's and losing her phone. But she said what I do, that they're sweet and patient and gracious. And notice what I said there - she asked to have a picture. Fans by and large have a lot more discretion than is being described.

Maybe I just got lucky *shrugs* maybe it's like when I went to a My Chemical Romance gig in the Underworld in Camden in 2005, and everyone queuing saw the band coming to the venue from the market and they all went running towards them ... and got shoved aside by security. And me? I kept my spot in the queue, right by the door to the pub above the venue, and was just like 'hey wassup?' and got a few nods from the band. My friend had gone with the crowd, looked back at me and cracked up laughing at the fact she'd got swept up in the excitement (but still a little pissed, I think, that security were just like 'hey' back and didn't shove me like they did her. But we learnt from that).

Maybe what Giovanna's actually aiming for is how patient and kind and gracious Tom is in these situations, and made the girls more extreme to try and highlight that. I just find it hard to look at it that way when she's already been derogatory to the girls.

So anyway, I've been digressing. Sophie wants to hide as she realises he's Billy. It's kinda funny (weird, not haha), and the moment I went 'I'm going to spork this'.


I feel like shrinking behind the counter and hiding until they all leave as it suddenly dawns on me that he is the Hollywood hotshot that they've all been raving about. He is Billy Buskin - the one they've all got posters of pinned up on their walls. Why didn't that possibility even cross my mind? And why didn't he tell me? He listened to me harping on about blooming Jude Law and let me continue to talk about how I thought that this 'Billy Something' wouldn't have the first clue about passion or desire. So basically, he was ridiculously kind to me yesterday, bought me flowers today and then I insulted him in a roundabout way by saying I thought he would be rubbish in the role.


If it helps Sophie, you insulted him yesterday too. But this is what I've been saaaaayinggggg! And be fair to the guy, every time he tried to give a straight answer, you had a panic attack or else prattled on, talking over him and he's just too polite to point it out to you. And unlike Miss Brown, he can't give those wonderfully sarcastic replies because I think he knows that you won't get it like she did. The poor boy's been swallowing his tongue because you haven't given him the option! And did you ever go 'hello new person, what's your name?' That's BASIC.

Sophie carries on with the girls order - truly a hero of our times, bringing tea and muffins when cringing in embarrassment (try sarcastically saying to one of your bosses that you love him and that's why you're leaving your shift so late and he doesn't get the sarcasm and chooses to believe that's why you're there and not just because everyone else is incompetent and lazy ... then you'll know embarrassment) and she can feel her cheeks getting redder (what does that feel like? Does it feel like pink but stronger?) and even though she wants to cry because she's embarrassed, she can notice Billy.

FYI, crying at work would humiliate me. This girl is so backwards. And yes I have cried at work and then gotten pissy with myself for being so fucking weak and just made myself cry more. I've also been there when someone else is fighting tears and had the 'are you okay?' *lip quiver* 'y-yes' 'should I shut up?' 'please' conversation. My finest moment is losing it in the chiller from being a total stress-head ... you can't wipe tears away with tubes of tartare sauce or eggs.

Anyway ... Billy ...

Billy on the other hand, is a dream. He's more than welcoming to the school rabble as he signs their school books, has photos taken with them, and speaks to one of their absent friends on the phone. He even laughs politely at their jokes and answers all their intrusive and personal questions.

Tom McFly, is that you: 8

Okay ... hold it in ... focus on the little things ...

Can he really deface their schoolbooks? Does she mean the exercise books or textbooks? Can't really see the textbook thing. Teachers hate doodles on exercise books. Fail. The phone thing made me laugh derisively. The arranged meet-and-greet I mentioned above? Someone passed their phone to Danny as Jodie and I were trying to chat the first time we went. His reaction was 'Hi, bye' and passed the phone back. Because the meet-and-greet was a big deal, and something I may or may not have paid for, and everyone else may or may not have done too, and this pleb is sat at home getting the experience for free? Fuck off.

Oh, and notice how Billy 'politely' laughs at their jokes? The fuck you think he was doing with you? And intrusive and personal questions? Two pages ago you were asking him if he thought this "Billy something" was as good as Jude Law, basically.

And you know what, I can't choke it down anymore. Rabble. RABBLE. RABBLE.

Fuck you. Fuck you so hard, up the ass. The school rabble? These girls are the girls you try to live vicariously through by listening to their gossip and judging how holier-than-thou you are than them and you try and giggle with them like the cool older friend but when they steal your new toy, your Mary Sue special friend, they're FUCKING RABBLE?

I hate you, Sophie. If I knew your damn surname that'd end up on there too, because I am unbelievably pissed at you. So pissed off my run-on sentence probably makes no sense but I am far too pissed off to care. And make no bones, if I meet Giovanna ever, I will ask outright if she thinks we're rabble, don't think I fucking won't, I called Dougie out on the time he almost walked into me on Oxford Street. I have said some really inappropriate things to Mark Read (from a1). I will quote this Goddamn book.

The girls calm down at the sight of tea, such is the psyche of the Brit, but Sophie notices that they're acting weird. Fuck you again Sophie, they've met a hero of theirs. They'll be like how I was when Jay Asher emailed me through goodreads. I almost wet myself. And that was a humiliating experience in a way and yet I only made fucking judgements on myself (and another Jay Asher ... I may have made a politely-bad review on a book I didn't enjoy but since I love Jay a lot I was trying to be kind and he was like 'um ... that's not my book, but thanks for being so nice about my actual writing' then blogged with a copy of my review and said it was his best-bad review, especially as it wasn't even him being reviewed. I'm a little bit of a weird one when it comes to being right, so thanks Jay for whoring out that mistake of mine. Whatever, we both know I was still skipping around the house for hours, elated that someone who's mind made such an impact on mine filtered me into their radar).

Sophie says Janet's trying to sit provocatively, wherein I think 'she's fifteen?!' but then I remember where I live and think 'eh, at least she's already fifteen ...' I just ... I can't believe the level of condescension in this scene. No wonder you're friends with Regina George, Cady.

 

Billy leaves, probably the same time he did the day before but Cady Sophie attributes it to the attention from the girls (Fuck. Off.). He pays for his food and she can't look at him but can see him smiling. She can also apparently see her cheeks resemble a tomato - nay, a flaming tomato

 

How? How does it look like that and HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW? Apparently, silence followed him being given his bill, which doesn't make sense when one of the girls is still crying and I'm guessing there's still talking in the background. But hey, who needs details when you can dismiss the fans ... you know, the rabble (Fuck. OFF). He pays up eventually and then brings up her absolute stupidity.

"So, turns out I'm the newbie heart-throb you mentioned."
"So I see ..." I mumble."And I do happen to know who's playing Darcy ... I would've said, I was going to - it's just that once it was clear you favoured Jude for the role I didn't quite know how to break the news."
"Well, I'm very disappointed," I say, whilst raising my eyebrows and shaking my head.
"That the teen hotshot is playing Mr Darcy?"
"No ..." I say, finally looking him in the eye. "That I won't get to meet Jude Law."
This causes him to rock his head backwards and let out another almighty laugh, which this time he is happy to let boom around the shop and doesn't try to cover up, even though it causes the girls to turn around and gawp some more."I've got to say, service in this place is a little peculiar, you're either having mini episodes and causing customers to wait on you in some twisted weird role-reversal thingy, or you're insulting them. Very strange approach to customer service, but it must be working because I can't wait to see what'll happen next time I'm in." Then he quietly adds, "Although, it'll have to be during school hours of course."

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 35

Excited?! Me?!: 26

How convenient, Mary Sue: 20

There is so much I want to say about this excerpt. I'll go through bit by bit.

-Why would Billy call himself a heart-throb, even if he's being a little sarcastic about the delivery? I know it's meant to be derisive, but really? People don't talk like that.
-That's what I said, Billy! You were about to tell her, then she got verbal diarrhoea, and then what could you do?
-Shut up, you bitch. Shutupshutupshutup! He's been gracious enough to approach you and try and alleviate an awkward situation and you immediately rip into him because his presence still means you won't get to meet Jude Law? Fuck off doesn't seem strong enough anymore. Let's be quite clear, you do not deserve this guy. You. Do. Not. Deserve. Him.
-He didn't hide the big laugh this time? He didn't hide it any time! This is the third big laugh he's had in two chapters, and it was only the first one where he realised the situation might not be appropriate for his brand of humour. Oh, I know what you're doing, you're saying to the fans, the rabble (FUCK. OFF!!!) that they couldn't make him laugh and connect with him the way you do, because they couldn't make him laugh so uncontrollably he has to tip his head back to let the full force of his laughter out. But none of them have been rude and insulting, so I'm going to side with the rabble (FUUUUCK OFFFFFF!!!) here.
-Oh Billy. Billy, Billy, Billy. I was rooting for you here. And you made such a good start, because she has been rude and insulting for no good reason despite your attempts of being civil ... but no one asked you to do her job. No one made you. What power do you think Regina Molly possesses?

 

 

 

Oh.

Also, I get the school-hours thing, because obviously he doesn't want to distract from work, or their schoolwork, doesn't want to upset the elderly clientele, but guess how Mary Sue takes it? I shouldn't need to spell that one out, you're intelligent readers. Bitch.

 

Jess thinks you're a bitch too, Sophie. Anyway, Tom Billy pisses off back to where he came from, calling a goodbye to the girls, and Molly appears from the room of waiting-to-be-a-plot-device (seriously, this is her first mention in the entire chapter, where the fuck has she been? She didn't come running out when Ella started screaming. Consistency is not for fapping to McFly even when you're married to one of them romance, apparently.

"I told you I recognized him!"
"Oh, Molly ..."
"What, pet?"
"I've just made an absolute idiot of myself!" I say, burying my face in my hands."As if!"

Excited?! Me?!: 29

Ellipses! Ellipses! ... more Ellipses!: 36

Molly just knows, OKAY: 5

Lolz moment, As If was the title of a TV show, in which one character, Sooz, had multi-coloured dreadlocks. McFly's first single was written about her. I don't think Giovanna even knows what she's done at the end of that exchange.

Of course Regina is bigging Cady up on Aaron, she'll go talk to him for you, okay?

Seriously, was Molly only injected at the end of this fap scene so Sophie can be 'woe is me, I'm such a verbal-klutz'? And then Molly can be OOC and be like 'don't worry dear, he'll definitely do at least a hump'n'dump. He will hit it and quit it, because of tulips.' but we all know that's not how Molly thinks.

Oh, and again, recogniZe is American, recogniSe is British. Sort out the settings on your word processor.

Hey, want some more Mary Sue? Course you do! (I know you don't.)


"Soph, that young man came in to see if you were feeling better and bought you flowers. He hasn't been able to take his eyes off you since he came in - and I noticed that before I knew he was some blooming fancy film star! I'm telling you, he'll be back before you know it."


How convenient, Mary Sue: 21

Excited?! Me?!: 30

So much rage from this one paragraph (Giovanna's got a good knack for that) ...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MOLLY HAS NOT BEEN IN THIS CHAPTER, YOU HAVE LESS THAN A PAGE TO GO AND SHE PHASES IN LIKE A MEMBER OF STAR TREK AND SUDDENLY KNOWS BILLY CAME SPECIFICALLY FOR HER AND TO BRING HER FLOWERS?!?!?!?!?!

Is she Snape, able to Apparate and practice Occlumency?

 

You wish you were that cool. Anyway, they exclaim a couple more times, Sophie snotting over Molly's top, and the chapter ends, and I can start lowering my blood pressure.

Excited?! Me?!: 32

 

END OF CHAPTER TALLIES:

Big, bad secret: 5
Look at all the books I read, Austen, and Bronte ... and Austen ....: 5 (unchanged from chapter one)
Excited?! Me?!: 32
How convenient, Mary Sue: 21
Molly just knows, OKAY?: 5
Ellipses! Ellipses! ... More Ellipses!: 36
Tom McFly, is that you?: 8

Before I go, fun little story: I read this book of crazy stories when I was about nine, stories of boys being raised by fish and poeple being buried alive and heavily drugged so they ended up as free labour but led to believe they were zombies (I have eclectic tastes) anyway, one story was about tulips. There was this huge tulip war, and bulbs were saught after like crazy. The rarer the bulb, the more expensive it was. Lords of country manors bankrupted their families for single tulips ... this element makes me even more pissed off because of what tulips represent to me. And this book wasn't pulling it out of its ass see? or maybe this helps if you don't trust wiki so is Sophie saying Billy can splurge like that? Oh, I know tulips aren't crazy expensive any more, but history dude, history. And Giovanna's saying tulips are her favourite flowers and Billy and Tom can both afford things mere mortals can't. And my blood pressure peaked again.